(Intro)

Lindsey: We're here in San Francisco sharing the space of a friend of ours and this is Midori, who has joined me to talk about anything fabulous.  Kinks and BDSM, you're an expert in sex education, and I'm so glad that you're here, because I want to share your voice with people.

Midori: Oh, thank you, thank you all.

L: And you have an amazing program that you're offering to women.

M: The program you're talking about is fortefemme, women's dominance weekend intensive, and I do that in San Francisco and New York several times a year and it's a deep dive program tapping into authentic power so that you may co-create joy with your partner.  In the program, people learn how to explore their joy, how to express it, how to find out what another person wants and how to bring it together and create things, set a boundary, as well as asking for what they want, and those tools become useful in every day aspect of life, and people are using them in ways that I never expected it.  It just thrills me to no end.

L: So can you give us a mini lesson of it?  Can you teach us negotiation?

M: Sure, sure, and--

L: We can get a Midori class.

M: Yeah, yeah.  Have you covered negotiation in the show?

L: We've talked about want/will/won't lists and how you can identify what your ideal situation is, you're willing to do, you consent to it, but it's not what you look forward to, and then your hard limits or your absolutely-nots and then operationalizing those, so putting them into terms another person might understand and then comparing them.

M: That's a good start.  It is a good start and absolutely I recommend that you go through the list and examining your own hard limits and your want, will, and won't, and there's more.

L: Yes.  I'm really grateful that you can help me expand that.

M: Yeah, so lists, and some of you may have seen BDSM negotiation lists.  There are pros and cons to it.  The good part is going through these lists and I would suggest doing this on your own first, so you get time to learn new words, figure out what the words are.  It might be something you've already been doing but you didn't know there was a name for it, which is nice, or you also get a chance to sit with your feelings and reactions because you might immediately have a  (gasp), oh my God, what is that, but inside your churning, you go, ooh, that's sexy, or, or, you might go, oh, I'm supposed to like this but I actually feel icky about it, so having time to sit with it, really important, but the problem is, it doesn't address the now in the context.

Do you mind if we roleplay this a little bit?

L: I'd love to roleplay with you.  What an honor!

M: Okay, so let's say on your list, you had, you want spanking and if on mine's, I said I'd like to give spanking, in theory, that sounds like a good place to start, but there's no context, right?  It doesn't address maybe you don't want to get a spanking when you're PMS-ing.  

L: My skin is sensitive.

M: Right, and that totally happens, or maybe I don't want to give a spanking if I've come back from work and I'm really tired and I've been chewed out by my boss and I'm exhausted and I'm not in the mood for role playing much less whacking your beautiful butt.  The thing, though, is that if I said, if we just exchange a list and you said no, not tonight, I might start to wonder, well, is it me or is your information not trustworthy?  There's no context to it, right?  There's also no context to the 'I'm curious about it, but I have apprehensions' or how do you want the spanking?  Do you want it like, wild and naughty or a gentle pat?  The reliance on the list on substitution as the list instead of a conversation, one, puts us in a place of assumptions.  I think it makes us sloppy, and I think it's unkind.

L: Yeah, it's not comprehensive.

M: On the other hand, if we want to know everything absolutely, it's overwhelming and intimidating.  You can't possibly know what you're always going to want or you're never going to want.  

L: That's so true.

M: There's no room for experimentation.  Maybe you say, maybe spanking and I say maybe spanking, and I spank you and you decide you don't like it for now, there's--it doesn't seem like there may be an opportunity for exploring at a different time in a different way.

So, definitely go through the list because it's a good reflection and good tool.  So there's a sexier way, I think, to engage in a conversation around kink, especially right before play, right, 'cause the word 'negotiation' is like, so dry, paperwork in front of me and i'm like, bleehh, and it just sounds like such a turn-off, so how do we keep it sexy?  

L: Tell me.

M: Underneath it all, my definition of BDSM is childhood joyous play with adult sexual privilege and cool toys.  It's cops and robbers with fucking.  

L: That's so beautiful!

M: When we were kids and we were trying to figure out if you're my best friend down the street and I want to play with you, right, I would come over and say, hey, wanna play?  And somewhere along the way, puberty, like, scrambles our brain.  Adult expectation of proper behavior scrambles our brain, and we sometimes lose that skill of, forget this, we don't lose it, we kind of set it aside.

L: Imagination, you mean?

M: Yeah, imagination, but collaborative joy-making, yeah?

L: Yeah.  

M: That maybe we've been lovers, maybe we're life partners.  I like to start off with hey, how are you right now?  No, really, don't tell me just the 'I'm fine', how are you? 

L: I'm full of energy and joy that you're here and I am slightly anxious about the outside noise.

M: I'm a little fuzzy-headed, 'cause I've been traveling a little bit, so being in this low distraction space with you is really nice.  But I'm a little bit ditzy today, yeah, yeah.  Maybe if we were to play today, are you feeling toppish or bottomish?

L: Bottom.

M: Bottomish.  What might you want to adventure with?  

L: Uh, definitely hot wax.

M: Oh, really?

L: 'Cause I'm cold.  

M: Okay.  Oh, that sounds grand.

L: Soft blankets as some sort of bondage.

M: Ohh.  Let's talk about how--ooh, excellent.  I like to like, pick one thing and kind of go on down and then we could always go back to some of the other things.  I like playing with hot wax, too.  

L: Yeah, do you have any desires in your toppishness?

M: I think I'm in the mood for a chill, relaxing but definitely bossy.  So tell me about hot wax play.  What is it about it that you like?

L: I like the colors.  It feels like an artistic process and it's warm.  

M: Mmm.  How does it make you feel?

L: A little nervous that maybe it's going to be hotter than I want.  Courageous that I'm doing it anyway and experimenting with my body and another person.

M: So what I like about hot wax play--I like to make somebody squirm a little.  I like watching somebody experience a little bit of intense sensation that might have and the colors and it's kind of like finger painting, too.  Very tactile.  I love the tactileness of it.  It allows me to tap into my fun little sexy sadism.  Yes, I get to feel creative and a little bit, a little bit mean.  When receiving hot wax, right, when it's good for you, what will I see and hear?

L: Wow.  This is so cool.  Already I can see how much more effective this is.  

M: And the reason I want to know what you look like/sound like is I'm gonna want to know what you look like/sound like good and I want to know what you look like/sound like when it's not good for you.  I don't mean like when you call a safe word but before that, because I want to be able to course correct.

L: So when it's not good, I will probably wince or do like a tight short movement.  I might be really quiet and when it is good, I think I'll be quiet at the beginning because I will want to just be paying attention to everything around me but then I will shortly thereafter let you know by doing deep breathing or maybe even moaning or laughing.

M: Can I hear what that might sound like?

L: Mmmm.  Oh.   Mm-hmm.  Like that.

M: Those are all good?

L: Yeah.

M: Yes.  So for me, when it's not good for me, if I start asking all the health and safety questions, like is that too hot, are you okay, if I ask that a lot, it's not good, because I don't know what's going on for you.

It doesn't allow me to sink into the fun.  I end up overthinking because I'm, like, oh my God, what's wrong, and I get not confident.  Not confident is not good for a sense of dominance.  When it's good for me, I might actually be chatty.  Like, not the safety chatty, but oh, this one's gonna hurt or I might be talking about how you look, which is a whole different thing than when I'm playing with bondage.  I will (?~8:32) any facial expression is good.  Sometimes I might have like, this kind of face on, or I may be smiling, but this face is not bad.  This is me thinking.  What am I going to do next?  Yessss.  The evil plotting face.   Sometimes it looks like I'm constipated.  How are you going to let me know when you want more of something?

L: Raise up into it.  

M: Oh, that's nice.

L: Get closer to you or--

M: You wanna give me a thumbs up?

L: I imagine that I'm going to be face down and my hands are just going to be open, so I think I would just verbally tell you.

M: Okay.  Alright.

L: Or--or 'hotter' or--

M: How are you going to let me know if you want less of something?

L: Probably roll over onto my side.

M: Mm, but what if I have you in different parts of your body?  'Cause hot wax can go all over the place.

L: I would say 'yellow' if I needed things to, you know, slow down or get some caution into the mix and I would say 'red' if I needed a break.

M: And how will you let me know when you're done, and that could just be like, you know, done doesn't mean that, oh my God, this is terrible, but done might be, I'm done.  

L: Oh--

M: 'Cause that's good to know, too.

L: That is a good distinction.

M: Yeah.

L: Okay, so I think that in my subbishness, that I would like you to determine when the scene ends.  If I'm done, like, I can't take anymore, good or bad, then I would say 'Can you hold me?'

M: Okay, that's great.  Oh, that's beautiful.

L: What about you?

M: So for me, if I keep doing the same thing over and over again, it's that I'm enjoying it.  You know, don't--sometimes people are like, oh, should I be doing something different?

No, no, no.  I'm enjoying it.  It's kind of like the potato chip, where I'm like, I want one, another, another.  If I need something different, I will either let you know or just move you.  Like, maybe I want to get to a different part of your body.  So how about this.  When I am done for all the different reasons we can be done, can I just ask you if I can hold you?

L: Yes.

M: Now, that's nice.  I like that.  Anything about your body I should know about?

L: I am sensitive to really cold and really hot temperatures, so finding something that is a little mean but is still not painful would be nice.  Can I let you know--

M: Sure.

L: --as I learn them?

M: Sure.  Totally.  If we were, let's say if we were a sexual couple or if we were in a context when this would be sexual, this would be when I would be talking about how I have genital herpes, and I know for some of you out there, it can be a hard thing to experience having herpes.  I have an article out there about how herpes and herpes communication, about herpes, have saved my life, so check it out.  I'll send you a link, yeah.

L: I'll put it in the description.

M: Yeah.  

L: I have oral herpes.  Are you going to wax on my face?

M: I might.  

L: I'm okay with that.  

M: Okay.  And this would also be where our safer sex and our test results and our sexual boundaries and what safer sex is would come in.  I'm going to just insert that conversation.

L: Okay.

M: Because that, I'm sure you're covering in a lot of other places.  So the safer sex talk would go in there.  Aftercare for you, aftercare for me.  What does it entail, who is it by, and does it go in any phases I should know about?

L: Probably water, blankets, cuddling, a short amount of time, and then I will go into the world and do some of my own processing with some space.

M: Okay.  So for me, I like the bit about holding you.  I like a little bit of physical contact.  I love being able to be still in the afterglow.  There will coome a time, though, where my multi-tasking, self-employed, running a company brain starts to take over, right, you know, it's like coming out of a spa experience and going, I am now ready to tackle the world, so at that point, when I'm done, I need to go off and do my thing.

I want to make sure you know that when I do that, it is that I have been fortified by our experience, but you know what I actually really like is the next day?  Emoji text.  

L: Aww.

M: Yeah, nothing too, just, you know, just little, I don't know, surprise me with some cute emojis. 

L: Okay.

M: Yeah, that actually really makes my day, 'cause sometimes a day later, I'll be like, oh my God, did she like that, and that feeling, the top drop that happens the day after, totally normal.  So that little text message or a voice message or an emoji just like, makes me happy.  Yeah.

L: I love that you tell me that.  

M: Yeah, 'cause sometimes, there's a talk drop and I'll hit the blues, and that's from all the dopamine rush, so dopamine drop, it's a real thing.  What are our hard limits for today?

L: I don't want to go more than an hour.  

M: Ah, yeah, and I need to be in bed by ten, 'cause I have to fly tomorrow.  So the key there is hard limits for today, right, not like, the forever.  A lot of people have the, oh, hard limits, you know, don't ever cut me, no scat, no--and that's all good, but in real life, adding to that is what's the hard limits for today?  Like, okay, if we were to play next week, I will have had my hair just done and my hard limit would be don't touch my hair.  Like, this week, totally touch my hair.  Grab it, chew on it, stroke it, whatever, but next week, it'll be don't touch my hair, but it's a real hard limit and sometimes it's things like I need to be done by this time because the babysitter's gonna be over.  So hard limits for today.

L: No more than an hour.  If I have a reaction to the wax, it needs to stop.  Nothing in my mouth.

M: Okay, so what kind of mood do we want to go to?  I'll throw out some and see if you--

L: Okay.

M: See if there's any overlap, yeah?  I'm feeling a little lazy sexy.

L: Yep.

M: Yeah.  I'm feeling a little bit sadistic.  I am feeling a little bit silly.  Not like serious.  You know, BDSM doesn't have to be serious.

L: Right, 'cause we're playing like adults.

M: Yeah.

L: With our toys.

M: Our internal children.

L: Yes.  There's a--I'm feeling a little intimidated and I like that.  I want to own that and go with it.

M: I have an idea.  There's a nice bathtub there.  I'd say the scene in the bathtub.  Easy cleanup, too.  

L: Yeah.

M: What if I blindfold you, make sure the bathroom's all warm.  Small room, easy to warm.  

L: Yes, thank you.  

M: I blindfold you, I undress you slowly in the warmth, and I'll make sure my hands are warm.  Lay you in the bathtub and you will have, you know, all these candles that have been burning, and I start to drizzle hot wax all over you, and in between the hot wax, you might feel things, like other sensations.  Something might be suddenly ice cube cold, something might be soft like flowers, something might be chocolatey, something might be a little scratchy, and then you might feel like, warm water flowing over you with the showerhead.  As the bathwater fills and the hot wax all over you, I gently scrape it off of you.

L: Why does this just have to be conversation?

M: Ooh.  In the hot water, ice cube on you while sitting in the hot water.

L: Yes.  I consent to all the things.

M: Oh, and adding to the hot wax, what if I had hot oil hair stuff?  You know, the hot oil hair stuff?  And just kind of like scratchy, it's kind of like extension of the hot wax, and like, you know, not too long and then make sure that we have enough time to like, properly clean up the bathtub because I wouldn't want to leave a mess.

L: You're amazing at this.  I'm sitting here thinking about the conversation that we're having and how we're spelling it all out and people object to that in a lot of ways.  They're like, oh, don't you want it to be spontaneous?  Don't you want it to be a surprise and the unveiling and like, this is wonderful.  

M: The surprise will be things I'll bring in for sensations, because unbeknownst to her, I may have roses, I may have chocolate drops, I may have slices of orange, then a slice of ginger, which will create a whole different thing.  Maybe I have minty things, or not, you know, I might bring in a whole lot of different things and so the texture will be a total surprise.  The most important thing in the entire conversation, though, is what kind of mood do we want to go to?  I want to be a little lazy.  

I want to be silly and sexy, but do you want to as well, and you like the idea it--

L: Yes.

M: So based on the mood, if I know the mood we want to go to, anytime I'm stuck, I can remind myself, oh right, fun, silly, sexy, a little bossy.  So if I'm suddenly like, I don't know what to do now, I might take the warm towels and like, wrap you up in because earlier, you mentioned blanket bondage, so what kind of mood do we want to go to?  Most important question, right along with the consent.  

L: I love that.

M: Yeah, because the hot wax could also be a completely--if I didn't know any better, I could be all like, mean and cruel and overbearing and too much sadism, but if I keep in mind fun, silly, sexy, and warm.

L: It's so good!  It's so good!  Your technique, I love it, and I love that you modeled it.

M: And it's collaborative all the way through.

L: So this is what you teach in your program?

M: Yep, and further in depth.  I call it pleasure spy skills.  Dun-da-da-da-dun-da-da.

L: I love it.  Thank you for being on Sexplanations.  

M: Thank you for having me.  

L: Throughout your life, have done amazing things for the planet and I am so privileged to be sitting here and get to work on a negotiation with you and learn face to face from you.  It's--ah, what an honor.

M: You gotta find yourself a nice bath now.  

L: Yes, I do.  Is there anything else you would like to plug or have them know?

M: Oh, I'm on social media.  Look under @PlanetMidori in all the usual places.

M&L: Stay curious.