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 Hi, I'm Dr. Lindsey Doe, clinical sexologist and host of this sex-curious show Sexplanations. I want to talk about all of these fun sex and relationship words used by the polyamory community. 

First, polyamory. Polyamory is a big umbrella term for loving more than one person at a time or wanting to. You may hear it abbreviated as poly: "She's poly."

I try to use polyam instead. I learned in this book Love's Not Color Blind, some Polynesians use poly as shorthand for their identity and they've expressed frustration that it's also used for polyamory.  I'm not opposed to sharing, but as the author Kevin puts it in his own decision to use polyam: "Finding a way to secure the use of 'poly' for the polyamorous community wasn't important. What was important, was making sure that Polynesian people felt heard; their discomfort understood."

Okay, that said, let's test your polyam vocab! Specifically sex and relationship terms.

Starting with my favourite, favourite, a Comet. A comet is "an occasional lover who passes through one's life semi-regularly, but without an expectation of continuity or a romantic relationship."

An ambigusweetie, an ambiguous sweetie, is someone with whom the relationship status is undefined or unclear, maybe intentionally. You may also call them a Schrödinger partner because you just don't know what they're doing in your box. 

A tocotox partner or relationship is not so much ambiguous or unknown as it is difficult to describe. Tocotox: Too Complicated To Explain.

Personally, I fantasize about and love being a hinge or a pivot. Someone who has two partners and I am in the middle getting two times the attention. 

Because I believe in abundant love! That it's possible to love more than one person at the same time. Of course, it is! A mother can love all her children, I can love all of my intimate network.

An intimate network is one's romantic, sexual, and even platonic partners and their partners and their partners' partners. I actually like the one to multi-link everybody. 

Multi-linking refers to creating the intimate connections between people. Again, romantic, aromantic, sexual, asexual, platonic, kinky, temporary, seasonal, long-term!

Let's draw one: Dr. Doe's Panamory (mostly non-fictional.) This is Enn, Libi's partner which whom she experiences limerence (longing, preoccupation, desire) and new relationship energy (or NRE). Just the two of them would be a dyad.

Enn does (?) identify as monogamous (intention to only be with one partner). Libi doesn't. She's body fluid monogamous (limiting wet sex and reproductive system germs to one person) but Libi also identifies as a switch (capable of being happy in either a monogamous or non-monogamous relationships). Like a BDSM switch: happy as Dom or a sub. 

Fortunately, Enn isn't a cowboy (a monogamous man who pairs with a polyam partner and then tries to rope them off away from other lovers). No, not here. Libi has another intimate connection to Chelle, her SO (significant other) or Life Partner (a friend with whom she has a long-lasting intertwined, and committed relationship).

Libi gets ORE (old relationship energy) from Chelle. That's comfort, security and stability. They've gone through multiple decades together. 

Enn and Libi and Chelle together make a Vee. If Chelle and Enn were also connected, it would be a Triad, Delta or a Throuple. Or a Troika if they were all married, but that's not the case in this story.

Chelle has a partner, their Primary or MSO (most significant other). Some polyam folks use a hierarchy to describe the degree of intimacy and/or commitment in their relationships. They may have primary partners, secondary partners, tertiary partners. Primary partners are often given the power to veto secondary or tertiary relationships and/or certain behaviours with those partners. 

Whereas Polythrothism believes that one person or partner is not more important than anyone else. If Landin and Chelle didn't rank one another, they might use the title Nesting Partners. This shows that they live together and make big life decisions together but they aren't more important per se than anyone else. 

For now, Landin is Chelle's Primary, and Libi's metamour (the partner of her partner). Enn and Landin are simply part of the same "N" (two couples joined by a partner from each pairing-up with each other).

Or they would be, if there weren't more stars to configure. Libi has two Adonises (younger, very handsome lovers), we'll call Cas and Lox. Maybe they're comets, they're certainly ambigusweeties.

And there are some Free Agents (who present as single but practice polyamory) and Polywogs (a younger generation raised by all these amazing grown-ups with a sense that love isn't finite and partnerships aren't always sexual). 

It's Kitchen Table Polyamory (an intentional, chosen family, where partners, comets, free agents, and SOs can have a potluck together sharing food and love). Awww!

What do you think? Are you experiencing wibble or frubble? Wibble is "a feeling of insecurity, typically temporary or fleeting, when seeing a partner being affectionate with someone else". Maybe even imagining non-monogamous relationship dynamics creates some wibble for you.

For me, stories like this and my own experiences with polyam elicit frubble. Frubble (also known as compersion) is "a pleasant emotion of happiness arising from seeing one's partner with another partner." A sense of gratitude that their lives are being enriched by additional people and relationships.  

You may not know how you feel about it yet. Your feelings may change. Your thoughts may change. Stay curious.

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