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Last sync:2023-11-17 10:30
Today’s problem: being bad at video games. The Wimbly Womblys play Scunthorpe United.

Give us problems in the comments!

And consider following us on Twitter: @AFCWimblyWombly

 (00:00) to (02:00)

Hello, and welcome to Hank Games Without Hank. My name is John Green, and I'm in the business of solving your problems.

By the way, I think if we win today, we're gonna' secure the League One title. All of the people against us have fallen away: you can see it right there.

Five games to go (after this game, four games). We'll be up by - I don't know. Maybe we won't win the title, but we're gonna be in great shape. We just need to win today. And we're at home. And we're against Scunthorpe, which doesn't even sound like a real place. I feel really good about our chances. 

Today's problem comes from Lyns.

Let's see there...Yeah. Alright, I like it. J Morris has scored a lot of goal for Scunthorpe, but...I don't know why Bald John Green always, like, respectfully covers his private parts when he's standing at attention, but anyway!

Lyns has a problem, which is "I like playing video games with my family as a way of hanging out, but I'm exponentially more terrible at video games than anyone else in my family. 

Lyns, rarely have a found a problem so relatable.

As you can see, we're starting with a midfield largely of youngsters. Kaja, Ant Hartigan, Jimmy Abdou (who's 34 years old; I don't know why I'm calling him a youngster). But I wanna give the kids a tryout today because we're looking at next season, and I am wondering "Are Kaja and Ant Hartigan good enough to stay on the Wimbly Womblys, or should we move on?"

And it's a big question, because it looks like we're gonna get promoted. By the way, have I ever told you about my deep hatred of green uniforms? Because I think that they're cheating because they fade into the background so perfectly.

That's good. That's - Oh, my god. He's so fast. Pass to your husband. Awwww...he tried to get fancy. 

As you can see from the fact that I failed the finish there and the fact that I've been playing this game for seven years, and I still suck at it, I'm very bad at video games, Lyns. I'm worse at video games than you are.

 (02:00) to (04:00)

And it could be really frustrating to be bad at video games, because our culture - you know - values video games a lot these days. Like, people - you know, like - Video games are a big part of a lot of social experiences. And it's just not that fun to suck at something that everybody - you know, like - cares about. 

That said, there are ways that you can work with whatcha' got. The first thing that I would do (and I always recommend this to people who say they suck at video games) is, I would try to play some video games cooperatively. Because if you have friends that are really good at video games, it's basically like a way of handicapping themselves to play with you, and I think that's good for them in a lot of cases.

I think, like - you know - your friend thinks they're so good at Call of Duty? Well, can they win Call of Duty with you sucking it up? You know? Like, are they still good if you're, like, constantly rolling around on the ground, screaming while they're trying to, like, be super subtle about their military moves or whatever?

Another thing that I like to do is, I like to play video games from a different perspective than people who are good at video games play video games.

So, for instance, most people when they play Fortnite are trying to, like, win, right? They're trying to, like...The idea of Fortnite is...It's a battle royale game, so a hundred people are dropped into a place, and only the last one who survives wins. It's like the Hunger Games, except it's a video game, and it doesn't have as bunch biting social commentary. 

So, most people play Fortnite and they go around and they try to like shoot all the other people in Fortnite. And that's fun. I bet it's really fun if you're good at shooting people. Like, I bet that - I'm sure that is the most fun way to play the game. Unfortunately, it's not a way that I can effectively play the game, because I suck at shooting people. That's always been one of my weak points.

 (04:00) to (06:00)

And I never thought it was gonna be a big issue, because - you know, like - I didn't...How could I have possibly foreseen a world where your ability to shoot people with a controller would be, like, one of the top 10 skills that you can have in the job marketplace?

Certainly, if you're gonna be a professional Youtuber, being good at video games is way better than being bad at video games. But again, Lyns, I've gotta work with what I've got. And what I've got is an extremely low level of video game talent.

Now, some people say it's, like "Oh, it's mostly about hard work." I know it's not. I'm bad at - 

It's gotta be! There ya go. I mean, just as I said I'm bad at video games, one husband to another husband! Oh, oh, look! They surrounded the goalie. They hugged with the goalie between them. It wasn't enough for John Green to humiliate the goal keeper by scoring from that angle. He knew that his husband had a better chance, and he made it so easy, and then John Green fired it right into the middle of the net. Smooth as you'd like.

Mr. Managerinio(?~5:02) getting his heart rate up a little bit, which is is important when you're in your 80s. Beautiful to watch. As beautiful as Bald John Green's complete cue ball head. Really magnificent. Super proud of him. And we are that close now to securing championship football next season. Going into the second tier of English footballs, guys. It's incredibly exciting.

So, maybe I don't suck at video games. Just kidding, I do.

So anyway! Like, I can't play Fortnite the way that you play Fortnite if you're really good at video games. And I wasn't, like - The other thing is that, like - I wasn't good - It's not like video games passed me by. I mean, they did, obviously. Like, you know, the last video game that I played for hundreds of hours - I might've played FIFA...However many minutes you've seen me play FIFA is how many minutes I've played it. But, like, it's not like video games passed me by, and I was good at them once.

Ugh! Oh, my goodness gracious. Oh, my God. Look at that. Look at that.

 (06:00) to (08:00)

Bald John Green off of a beautiful pass, and maybe I should be starting the kids, because whoever made that pass, that was influential. And then a beautiful finish from Bald John Green. Really a wonder to behold. He said - I mean, he had just a great season despite injury, despite challenges. The kid just has no quit in him. And by "kid," I mean "person who's almost my age and has a child."

So, like, I remember, like, I sucked at Super Mario Kart, like everybody else. I mean...Super Mario Brothers. Like, everybody beat Super Mario Brothers, and I never beat it. Like, I sucked at video games. I sucked at Tetris. I sucked - you know - at Castlevania. I really suck at, like, strategy games, you know? I could never beat strategy games, and this was in the days before you could look up hints on the internet and everything, and so I'd have to, like, buy a Nintendo Power magazine - 

Nice view of the male toilets there. -

- Have to buy a Ninentedo Power magazine to try not to suck, which was humiliating in and of itself. So what I eventually came to, Lyns, is that I'm never gonna be good at video games, but I am good at some stuff.

And one of the things I'm good at is constructing narratives in my head. So I play games where I can construct a narrative that makes sense to me. Where I can construct a narrative that feels compelling to me. 

It might be taking AFC Wimbledon to the Premiere League, for instance. It might be - you know - instead of, like, trying to win (beat Super Mario Odyssey), I might instead try to be the. Like, for 3 hours of playing Super Mario Odyssey, I had a rule that all -  We couldn't try to get any power moons. All we could do was hang out in New Donk City and see who there was to talk to and was there was to do other than get power moons. 

 (08:00) to (10:00)

So, like, I tried to take, like, an explorer's perspective. -

That was a fantastic goal. [claps] Congratulations, Ojo. Don't be surprised if you're Wimbly Wombly next season. That was good stuff, man. Ojo! That's a great name, too. Could be "oh-zhoh?" Could be "Oh! Jo!" I don't know. 

Anyway, so I try to construct narratives that aren't necessarily in the game, but that, like, I can play according to my rules and have fun. I know that that might not work socially, but I think sometimes it does. And then, the other thing that I do is that I -

For instance, when I play Fortnite, I play as a pacifist. So I try to think to myself "What would actual John Green do in this crazy battle royale situation?" And the answer, of course, is that I would die, like, every single time, you know? Like, that goes without saying.

That's a beautiful pass to Bald John Green. My god. Who's making those passes? And that's a magnificent finish! For his hat trick, and he does the rugby celebration right over the line. I mean, who's making those ridiculous passes? Good lord! They're magnificent! They're just absolutely cutting Scunthorpe open.

And at this point, it doesn't matter that we're giving up goals, because we're scoring more. John Green, John Green, and John Green. At hat trick. A 62-minute hat trick for the great one. For Bald John Green, just an absolute - He's having an absolute world-class game, and he's playing third tier football. And when you play third tier football, and you have a world-class game, you score 3 goals every time.

So anyway, like - This is actually a good example, right? Lke, I make up characters in FIFA who are really good so that I don't have to play with the regular players, because I'm not good enough to play with them.

So yeah, when I play Fortnite, I try to play as a pacifist. And that almost always means - It does always mean losing, but, like, it means sometimes I make it,

 (10:00) to (12:00)

sometimes I go out 93rd, and sometimes I go out third. There's never a chance that I'm gonna win the game, but there's always a chance that I'm going to go far. And then I don't have to, like, practice my shooting or anything. I can just -

Although, I don't know. Sometimes when I play Fortnite, I do think "Look, if somebody - If I'm in a battle royale situation," and I don't know if I'm ever gonna play Fortnite on this channel. But "If I'm in a battle royale situation, it's not that I wouldn't shoot anyone. It's that I wouldn't shoot anyone until and unless they shot at me." So, yeah, I mean sometimes I feel like it's okay to shoot back, but I have never killed anyone, so...There you go.

That's my level of skill. My level of skill is "Have Never Killed Anyone Yet." But! I guess there's always time. There's always tomorrow.

A really good game here! I think Ant Hardigan's had a really good game, although he just gave up the ball there. I think Kasia's(?~11:03) had a really good game. And I think Jimmy Abdou (who hasn't been playing all season long because they're players who are technically much better than he is) should have been playing for us, because he has had a great game.

So I'm super proud of the way the boys have played, and look at that John Green, He's just - I mean, the guy has no frickin' give-up. He's gonna try to get his husband another goal. Oh, John Green just, like, went - it was like he'd been shot in the back, the way he went down! But that's alright. There ya go. There's Will Nightingale doing work.

That's nice. Oh, look at John Green. Look at John Green just schoolin' 'em. Schoolin' 'em. Shoot from outside. OHHHH! It's four goals! It's four goals, and he's unstoppable!

It's another rugby celebration. It's four goals. An absolute master class from The Great One. 

 (12:00) to (12:53)

The greatest player (I would argue) in the history of the Wimbly Womblys. Bald John Green doing what, frankly, his husband has struggled to do all season long: putting in the work! From outside the box, no less. Oh, humiliated right in the side netting.

What a game for Bald John Green. Fantastic game for the Wimbly Womblys. Four games left in the season. At this point, it's a celebration, you know? At this point, we're just having fun. hopefully we're gonna get a couple guards of honor. I don't know if they do guards of honor in third tier English football, but they should, because we have had a season to remember.

Congratulations to the Wimbly Womblys, and thanks to everybody for watching. I mean, it's a huge win for us. Bald John Green, take that match ball, buddy, because you scored 4 goals on 5 shots. Congratulations. 

Ugh. Just an absolute master class. Thanks for watchin'! Best wishes.