I'm Dr. Lindsey Doe, clinical Sexologist and host of this sex curious show, sexplanations.  Today I want to talk about phone sex, but first I want to let you know that this is really emotional for me.  REALLY EMOTIONAL.  A couple of months ago I was having phone sex that was So Good!  So I was telling my friends how much I love it.  Some of them disclosed that they'd never tried it before.  They were also suprised that phone sex could be so epic.  "You could go for hours?!"  They didn't know its potential and they were also too shy or embarassed to find out.  They felt self consious.  So I started working on this episode.  I LOVE Phone Sex! Of course I want to share that with others!  And we're at the end of March 2020, borders are closeing, flights are canced and there's a global standard to physically distace yourself from others to Not Die.  It's emotional, I'm emotional.  For many of us, phone sex is no longer a way to spice up our sex lives; it IS our sex lives.  So this has become the sexologists effort to help when the world is on fire.  To get you all laid; if that's what you want.
*whip and throat clear intro noise*

Let's talk about how intimacy survives the apocalypse.  One way, at least, is phone sex.  Texting, calling, or video conferencing on your phone with others, usually while masturbating or expressing sexuality.  JW asks, "How do you get started?"   The start could be as honest and simple as "Wanna have phone sex?", "Can I get you off over the phone?", "Have you watched the latest Sexplanations?"  It probably feels scary.  If you're on the phone, you can't read body language as easily.  You can't communicate through touch.  What if they say no?  What if they think it's weird?  Help!  

Deep breath.  If you try to have phone sex, you could have phone sex, and eventually you'll come up with your own phrases like, "Do you have a toy nearby?", "Are your notifications turned off?"  My go-tos are "Would you like me to moan into your ear while you masturbate?", "Do you have time right now to make me come over the phone?", and, dropped into conversations about taxes and epidemiology, "Up for phone sex later?"

The similarity across all starts is that you're asking for consent to get things going.  If you get a no, respect that.

Leave them alone or change the subject.  So COVID, am I right?  If they say yes, determine when.  Maybe it's tear your clothes off right now kind of phone sex.  Maybe it unfolds organically throughout a conversation with flirting and making dinner together and then on video call, you start to slide the shoulder of your blouse off.  Mhmm.  

It's also possible and probably most convenient to schedule a time when everyone is free and set up to play, accounting for different time zones and time changes.  Checklist: privacy, phone charged, toys prepped, hands cleaned, good lighting, quiet area, untangled headphones, hands cleaned again.  All the while you're prepping, anticipation is building.  Mm, you're going to get it so good, mm, if you're patient.

Another thing you can do while getting ready is warming up with some suggestive photos and emojis.  What makes you feel sexy?  Lip biting?  Your pantyline?  The bulge in your jeans?  If you're new to selfies, this may feel strange.  Lean into it.  Take a close up of your eyeball and text, "one of the last things your dick sees before I draw it into my mouth."  Ahh.  

In my experience, there's a bit of awkward.  Sex as a whole is awkward.  It involves our funniest looking body parts and body fluids and it feels like (?~3:17) intentional seizure and with phone sex, all of that awkwardness being sent into the ether, so when it's time for the call, get situated.  Position yourself to masturbate, drink some water, own the weird, and then call.  Audio or video.  Acknowledge you're nervous and try to make one move.  "If we were together right now, what would you want to do to me?"  Hoo, ahh!  Give me a moment.  Did I mention that I love this?  

There are suggested formulas out there for what to say or do next.  Mine is desire, experience, wait, DEW.  Express what you want, desire, and what's happening, your experience, and then wait.  Let the other person volley back their desire and experience to you.  Desire, experience, wait, desire, experience, wait.  Here are some examples.  "I just got your eyeball closeup.  It gave me a hard-on."  That's experience.  "I wish I was there to unbutton your pants.  Can you do that for me?"  Desire.  "I'm lifting up my skirt so that you can see I'm not wearing any panties."  Experience.  "Are you imagining my warm breath on your navel, excited to go down on you?"   Desire.  

Eventually, one of you might take a more dominant role, guiding the fantasy or narrating what's happening.  "Can you feel my hand sliding up from your waist under your shirt?"  Mmm.  Other times, it might be playful encouragement. "Make yourself really hard for me."  A third option is to say nothing at all.  Sometimes, I can't talk.  I'm so enthralled that I can't put words together in my mouth to participate.  I establish, "I'm just going to touch myself and imagine you doing the same.  I like you being on the phone," but then I switch to only breathing and moaning more audibly.  No one has to talk.  Got it?  

Let's do some phone sex troubleshooting.  Ryan Smith asks, "Odd question, but how can I hold the phone without having headphones on so that the phone doesn't go away from my ear?"  Hat, ribbon, underwear.  I prefer to use speakerphone and place it somewhere else, on the pillow, on the nightstand, leaned up against bedding, on my chest, and for the hands-free crotch and tits shot, I hold the phone in between my heels, haha.  

James asks, "How do I not repeat the same phrases over and over?  What can I do to make words more interesting and exciting beyond just describing what's happening?"  The more you practice and ease into phone sex, the easier it will become to script with new and delicious words.  One thing I would recommend is to add another person's words.  Read erotic literature over the phone.  Romance novels, porn for the blind.  For me, the best part of phone sex is sharing it with someone else.  They could be in quarantine with their family cooking curry and I'd still be so happy rubbing one out knowing that there's a witness on the other line who appreciates it, so less about what you say.  You can say anything tenderly and you're set.

DanIsDone asks, "What makes it enjoyable?"  How it feels ultimately depends on everyone's masturbation skill and imagination.

Kallie asks, "What are ways that you can keep it from getting boring or montonous?"  Switch it up between texting, calls, and video.  

Each of them have different benefits. For example, sexting words, photos, or video clips is going to be the highest quality and the most flirtatious, because there's a lag time between responses and a build-up of excitement.

Make a game out of which text makes the boner biggest. Dick pic the erectile progress. Mix in some photos or messages about nonsexual things that the other person cares about to make it more personal. Take close-ups of your skin and play "which square inch of my body is this?" Record a clip of your hand sliding down the front of your pants. 

Voice calls are nice because they let you focus on the story and not worry about how the fantasy doesn't necessarily match reality. You can wear whatever you want, go pee when you need to, move around, get all weird with your faces. Who cares!

So, here, try different accents. Pretend to be another person. Roleplay a clandestine meeting where she only removes her N95 mask to eat you out. 

As for video, you might switch to more of a strip-tease or performer role. So it's more about how you're actually touching yourself and less about the plot. 

Maybe costumes, props, body paint. Position yourself like you're doing it doggy style. 

Just A Scottish Yorkie asks: "Does your phone sex become surreal? One time I came riding in on a tank."

Yes. I found myself fellating a vibrator to give a virtual blowjob. May your creativity know no bounds!

Here's a list of phone sex do's and don't's:

Do try phone sex a few times before you decide whether or not you like it.
Do laugh at yourself. 
Do call each other back if the call drops.
Do try something different if service failure persists. 
Do set a time frame so that if one person wants to spend all day at it, and the other person has fifteen minutes to give, you can match your arousal cycles a little better. 
Do communicate when you like something. That did it for me.
Do communicate when you don't like something. That didn't work, how about this?

Don't record the conversation, video, audio, or screen capture without permission. 
Don't let other people listen in unless you have permission. 
Don't cum and run. Check in afterward. Phone cuddle if you want. 
Don't expect orgasms. 

Don't neglect the possibility of them either.  Don't put too much pressure on anyone or the situation and don't lose your cool if the screen is blurry, the audio is spotty, or the connection is bad.  Improvising during technological snafus is so sexy!  Dogs barking in the background?  Hit mute.  Screen frozen?  Do something extra kinky so that when the phone reconnects, the person catches a glimpse of what the missed and gets curious for more.  Bad sound reception?  Clarify what the person said, definitely, then speak slowly or hang out quietly and send a text.  "I wish you could hear how much I want you."  Blurry image?  End the call.  Do a photoshoot, send the photos, and then get back to just audio.  Almost all of my phone sex is on an app that occasionally stops working.  Maybe you know about this.  When it beeps and says "reconnecting, doo doo, reconnecting", use that time to drink more water and think abou how fortunate we are to have phone and internet technology to maintain sex lives and relationships.  Too loud?  My friend taught me that you can turn the earbuds around so that the speaker isn't going directly into your canal.  Here's a big one: can't tell if the person has come or not?  Ask.  Did you come?  And when you come, model being really explicit so that you don't leave them wondering.  "I'm coming".  Remember, desire, experience, wait.

Part of desire can include an outline of how you want sex to go.  Do you want to come multiple times?  Do you want to fall asleep masturbating with the other person on the line?  Do you want to get the other person all riled up, hang up on them, and then finish separately?  Put it out there.  The experience is communicating how all of this unfolds, by describing your body's physiological changes, everyone has a better idea of how into arousal you are.  Nipples hard?  Genitals engorged?  Heavy breathing?  Pelvis thrusting like it's somehow going to circumvent the globe and reach dick on the other side?  Check.  Wait for the other person to confirm that they understand and wait for them to reciprocate with what they want and how you're turning them on.  

Phone sex is something we're going to get better at.  It'll get easier.  We'll come up with surprisingly ingenious ways to please each other, to survive with what we've got.

Human beings are innovative.  We're built to learn skills and improve upon them.  We're curious.  Stay curious.  

I've put a list of other phone sex and sex in the apocalypse resources in the description.  I hope you're all taking good care of yourselves and reaching out by phone to others.  Much love.

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