Hank: Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John.

John: Or, as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank.

Hank: The podcast where we answer your questions, provide dubious advice, and give you all the week's news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. But first, John, give us a short poem, because that's what you like to do.

John: That's why we like to start the podcast. Today's poem comes from Ogden Nash. It's called Everybody Tells Me Everything. I find it very difficult to enthuse over the current news.

Just when you think that at least the outlook is so black that it can grow. no blacker, it worsens. And this is why I do not like the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons. A poem, Hank, that reminds us that the news exhausted and outraged us even before the men and women of cable began yelling at us and at each other.

And which also brings us to our first question of the day from Diana, where should I get my news? Isn't everyone biased?

Hank: So Dear John and Hank, does objectivity exist, basically? I like how we get to the root of the big questions that are basically On going philosophical questions that no one has been able to answer for the last 2,000 years.

John: Yeah Hank, that actually reminds me that we got to the heart of the podcast so quickly. I forgot to mention our sponsor. You know we're going to have sponsors moving on, Hank, are you aware of that?

Hank: No, this is actually taking me completely by surprise.

John: Okay, yeah, no, we are going to have a sponsor. Our sponsor for this podcast and every podcast is us. Today's podcast is brought to you by John and Hank Green, co-owners of DFTBA Records. DFTBA.com, your Dear Hank and John, which wouldn't be possible without the delicious, crisp, and clear taste of Crystal Pepsi.

Hank: Dear Hank and John, Brought to you by Rock'em Sock'em Robots!

John: Who's gonna win, the blue robot or the red robot? You won't know till you buy Rock'em Sock'em Robots! Available now at Rock'em Sock'em Robots dot. com. slash Hank and John. Use the offer code Hank and John to get 15% off and ensure that we make $6 every time you buy Rock'em Sock'em.

Robots.

Hank: I want to see if Rock'em Sock'em Robots actually still exist right now. They do, they do. I feel like we shouldn't use that because they're a real thing and we just advertised for an actual product. Don't, DFTBA, this, so, Dear Hank and John is not brought to you by Rock'em Sock'em Robots, it's brought to you by the game Crossfire.

You'll get caught up in the Crossfire if you play Crossfire from Mattel.

John: Dear John and Hank, brought to you by Chuck E. Cheese, Chuck E. Cheese, the number one place to go when your child is five and does not yet have an enterovirus. I'm just kidding, I actually love Chuck E.

Cheese. It's true that I get- Chuck E.

Hank: Cheese still exists?

John: Does Chuck E. Cheese still exist? Hank, Chuck E. Cheese is- not only does Chuck E.

Cheese still exist, I spend almost every Saturday there.

Hank: Oh. No.

John: I- I love Chuck E. Cheese. I might like Chuck E. Cheese more than Henry does.

Um, can we get to, uh, the question?

Hank: The question, asking and answering part of the podcast? Yeah, maybe, maybe we should do that.

John: Yeah, there was a question, uh... Objectivity.

Hank: Does it exist? Where do you get your news? Because there is no such thing as a non-biased source of anything that is human.

John: I mean, here's, here's my answer to the question. I, I try to get my news from multiple different sources. So I read The Economist, um, I read The New York Times. I read the Wall Street Journal.

I also read the Indianapolis Star, my local paper. And I read my Tumblr and Twitter and Facebook feeds, which I try very hard to curate intelligently. so that I'm hearing from Human Rights Watch and I'm hearing from the Gates Foundation and I'm hearing from organizations that are focused on what's called like effective altruism, like trying to maximize the effectiveness of your charity dollar. So I want to hear from lots of different organizations and Both news organizations and other kinds of organizations that are doing work around the world to find out what's going on.

I also get a lot of information from Wikipedia, which I feel like is a pretty good collection of human knowledge. Not the best, but good.

Hank: It's pretty amazing that Wikipedia has managed to not be biased. It has managed to be fairly unbiased. I really don't understand how that happened and how it's possible, but it does seem that way.

John: Oh, it depends on the article. Some of the articles are not great. But yeah, somehow or another, Wikipedia has become an astonishingly good encyclopedia. There's no such thing as a perfect encyclopedia.

Even expert-curated ones are not perfect. But it's a very, very good one.

Hank: I think that if you're looking at things that seem like unbiased news, that you're getting a pretty good sort of Cross-section of unbiased news. the trick is to not go to any one source and the other trick is to read the news rather than just read whatever comes across your Facebook page because that's where the most bias happens when you're only sort of being exposed to the news that your friends want to share or that or that people in your you know in your world are sharing. if you're only seeing and in having conversations inside of a bubble that is created by you know your internet preferences then And the internet is creating a world for you that does not reflect the actual world. 

John: Yeah, being exposed. to stories that you might otherwise not. I mean, that's very difficult to do. That's one of the things I like about The Economist. is they report news from all over the world. Now, obviously, they still have an American and European bias, but there's quite a lot of reporting from around the world.

Hank, I have another question for you. It's from Sylvia. Dear John and Hank, what's the most unusual place you have ever peed?

Hank: I feel like that question is kind of Because you pee everywhere you go.

John: Right.

Hank: The question is kind of, what's the most unusual place you've ever been? So for me, the answer to that question is the White House, where I also pooped.

John: Oh, that's wonderful, Hank. Congratulations. Um, the most unusual place I've ever peed is Mike DiTullio's bed.

Hank: Poor Mike DiTullio. You just gonna let that hang there? You not gonna explain that at all? 

John: I don't know how to explain it. I made a poor decision. And... Mike DiTullio's life was negatively impacted as a result.

Hank: I woke up in the middle of the night one time and puked in the sink of my bathroom and this was like. our childhood home. And then I peed in the tub. And I mean you pee in the tub plenty as a person, like that's sort of a thing that people do. But I just stood outside the tub and peed into the tub.

And then I went back to sleep and then I woke up in the morning and I was like, I don't feel very well but I guess I'm gonna go to school. I feel very tired and I got into the bathroom and there was puke in the sink and pee in the bathtub and I was like, I should probably go back to bed. 

John: So there you go. Hank has peed into a bathtub. I've peed into the bed of a relative stranger when I was an intoxicated college student. I do wish to clarify though that, just for the record, the young man in question was not in the bed when I peed on the bed.

And I did switch mattresses with him and do all of his laundry, so in some ways I didn't pee on Mike Ditullio's bed. I peed on a bed that was about to become mine.

Hank: Joe asks, Dear Hank? and John, do you see yourselves making YouTube videos in 10 or 20 years?

John: Yes.

Hank: Yeah, kinda. I mean, like, I don't know if there will be, if it will be YouTube videos, it will be web format video, which is the phrase that I had used to me in a conference call last night.

John: Oh god, that makes me sick to my stomach. I'm so glad I don't have to get on conference calls like that. Um, yeah, it will be, uh, video. I still think that we will make video and I still think that it will be transmitted via the little tubes that make up the internet.

Hank: People will watch them on their computer and iPad screens or personal device.

John: I think that your personal device screen will by then be installed into your iris. So I don't think that you'll be holding a screen. I think that it will just kind of run run across your cold dead eyes.

Hank: It's funny the things we disagree on. I think we will maybe eventually colonize the galaxy, and you think that in ten years we will have screens in our irises.

John: There is no way that we're ever. going to colonize the galaxy. That is so ludicrous, I refuse to engage with you further in the conversation. Next question from Kayla, Dear John and Hank, My two-year-old son Liam told me that if he ever has a brother, we should name him Hank John. Do you approve of this name?

And if not, what would you suggest? First off, Kayla, I am flattered. Please tell your two-year-old son, Liam, that we are delighted that he thinks so highly of us that he would name his brother Hank John.

However, Liam, if I may speak to you directly for a moment, in what universe does it make sense to name your brother Hank John when the name John Hank is right there waiting for you, Liam? John Hank. Hey, it's me, Liam, and my little brother, John Hank.

I can see it already. You're in fifth grade and he's in third grade, and everyone's like, oh, is that your little brother? And he's like, yeah, that's my awesome little brother.

He's so cool. John Hank.

Hank: I don't like you imposing your values on poor Liam.

John: No, I'm not imposing my values on Liam. I'm just saying what's objectively a. better name. John Hank is definitely better than Hank John.

Hank: It's funny because the podcast is called Dear Hank and John. So Hank John, actually, I feel like it flows better.

John: Well, you named the podcast. Clearly.

Hank: No, the podcast just, it was, you know, it named itself, you know, it's just what makes the most sense. Hank and John. 

John: I would argue that it makes the least sense that the older brother, John, would come before the younger brother, Hank.

Hank: Yeah, but then you're saying John and Hank, and you've got those two ends next to each other. John and... John and Hank. No, it doesn't flow.

Hank and John. You got that k at the end of the Hank to push you into the and. Hank and John instead of John and Hank.

John: It's awful. Okay, Liam, I think that we've decided that you should either name your younger brother, your hypothetical younger brother, Hank John, or just name him John and Hank. 

Hank: Yeah, that's good.

John: It's up to you, Liam. We're gonna leave it to you. We trust you. You seem like a really good namer already for a two-year-old.

Hank: Yeah, yeah.

John: I mean, I gotta say, I have a two-year-old and she has no idea that it is possible for her ever to have another sibling. Because it isn't.

Hank: An Icelandic Nerdfighter named Kolkka asks, Dear Hank and John, have you ever considered visiting Iceland? Best regards.

John: Considered visiting Iceland. Hank, can I tell my visiting Iceland story?

Hank: You've been to Iceland?

John: Have I been to Iceland? Of course I've been to Iceland.

Hank: You've been everywhere.

John: I was in Iceland in the summer of 2008, so here's my Iceland story. Iceland is a beautiful, fascinating nation of 300,000 people. It's about the size of Columbus, Ohio, but it's an independent country, okay? Okay.

So I land in Reykjavik, Iceland, with three of my friends. Well, one spouse. and two friends, but my spouse is also my friend, so three friends. And we go to the hot baths immediately, and the hot baths are almost empty, but very nice, very pleasant hot bath. out in public, and this part of Iceland itself looks a little bit like the surface of Mars, which is to say that it's like boring and uninhabited, but there was still something lovely about it.

And then we take the bus into Reykjavik. proper, and it's a large city with no people in it, right? everything it is completely abandoned. it looks like a ghost town like if everyone left Columbus Ohio all at once and I'm totally freaked out like walking down the road with my baggage behind me complete silence. it was the most odd and dislocated I can ever remember feeling. and then suddenly there is this eruption of sound Hundreds of thousands of people making noise all at once, and they emerge from whatever hiding place they've been hiding from onto the streets, screaming, cheering, throwing beer at each other, their faces covered in the Icelandic flag, many of them weeping. And it turns out... That when we landed in Iceland was the very moment that Iceland's Olympic men's handball team was securing Iceland's first Olympic medal in like 60 years.

And so I found myself in the midst of the most wonderful party and people would grab me or grab Sarah and they would grab us and look look at us and scream joyfully in Icelandic. And we would be like, that's wonderful.

Hank: And they would be like, oh, you're American.

John: You've won so many medals. You must. always feel this way. So I love Iceland. It's the favorite place I've ever been, Kolkka.

Hank: I like how there was just not a single person in the entire country who was not at that moment watching that handball match.

John: Because again, it's a nation of 300,000 people. It's like if Columbus won an Olympic medal. It was, ugh, what a time to be alive. And then when we, during our trip in Iceland, which lasted two days, at no point did anyone discuss anything other than the men's Olympic handball victory. 

Hank: Apparently you want to go back to Iceland. Did you know, John, that according to a recent poll, the majority of Icelanders believe in elves?

John: Elves like Santa's elves?

Hank: I think more like Santa's elves than like Tolkien's elves. I think like kind of the way that we would believe in like ghosts, where they're like little Little people who get up to mischief and live in the mountains.

John: Well, you have to understand, having spent two days in Iceland, I'm a bit of an expert in the country, and you have to understand that it looks like a place where elves would live. So I think if. I lived in Iceland all the time, I would also probably believe in elves.

Hank: I kind of wish I believed in elves.

John: Okay, another question, Hank, this one from Dylan. I would like to know if you two think punk is dead or not. And your reasons for feeling that way.

Hank: As a person who literally fronts a punk band, I hope it is not dead.

John: Yeah Hank, you're pretty punk rock. 

Hank: Usually when people say things like punk punk punk is dead or that anything is dead, it's because it's changed and looks different than it used to look or acts different than it used to look, and that is true of punk. But old punk remains alive. Even if you don't like new punk, you could still listen to your Operation Ivy or Seven Seconds or whatever you think real punk is, and those- That's not old punk. Songs still sound just as good as they- I've- but I know, but I think this might be where this person is coming from.

More from that era.

John: Yeah, that's- the thing is, like, in 1993, when I was a sophomore in high school, I thought that punk was dead, because... You know, nobody was listening to the Dead Kennedys anymore.

Hank: Right. So it's, it's, maybe it's that punk is different and in a way that makes older punks feel uncomfortable because All Time Low is too pop punk or whatever. But, but, but there is lots of interesting and amazing punk happening all over the world and some of it is very underground. and Independent, which is what punk should be. So I think a lot of times there's really interesting punk happening, it's just that people aren't taking the time to find it.

John: Alright Hank, quick question, and we're gonna answer together on three. What is a pop punk band or a punk band that most people aren't familiar with? that we would heartily recommend? One, two, three.

Hank: The Mr.

John: T Experience.

Hank: Yeah.

John: I knew it. I knew it. We both love the Mr. T experience.

Another question. This one is from James. Dear John and Hank, I will soon be starting a job that will have me traveling a lot.

Do you have any traveling tips? Do I?

Hank: Oh god, don't get John started on traveling tips. Oh god.

John: Oh, it's almost all I have at this. point is traveling tips.

Hank: Here's my travel. I want to start with one. When the plane goes err, err, err, err, err, err, err. That's normal.

John: Yeah, well when it comes to worrying about whether what's happening on your plane is normal, you just look at the flight attendants and what you'll discover is that pretty much everything that you're worried about is normal. And then on occasion, you're moments away from a fiery death. My biggest travel tip, James, is this. You're going to be spending a lot of time in mediocre hotel rooms.

You will, as I have, memorize the layout of the Courtyard Marriott hotel room so that no matter what city you're in, you'll feel like you're in the exact same place because every Courtyard Marriott is laid out the same. You must leave that hotel room, or you will, if you are me anyway, descend into a deep spiral of darkness. Call an Uber or a taxi or something and go somewhere in the place that you're visiting. that makes you feel like you're actually there instead of just like you're in another Courtyard Marriott.

By the way, today's podcast brought to you by Courtyard. by Marriott, fantastic hotel chain. 

Hank: Hank Green and the Perfect Strangers Like much bigger rooms, but they had just put the Courtyard Marriott hotel furniture in that room. Oh, yeah. And so it was very strange to walk into the room and be like, well, it was like this weird uncanny valley where it was like, this is all the Courtyard Marriott furniture and the Courtyard Marriott art on the walls, but there's just a huge amount of empty space. It was very strange.

John: Hank and I once spent 34 consecutive nights in different Courtyard Marriott's.

Hank: It's true.

John: And you do. Yeah. Like, close your eyes and think of that red love seat, Hank. You know what I mean?

Hank: Yep.

John: Ugh, that red love seat. It was my ground while we were traveling. You know, I'd spend all day in that minivan with you, and nothing against minivans or you, but I just kept thinking, man, I just need to get to that red love seat at the Courtyard Marriott in Duluth, Minnesota, or wherever we were that day.

Hank: I don't know, like, how long are you gonna go on with travel tips? Because you've done a lot of traveling.

John: I do feel like Vlogbrothers has been a tremendous gift to my traveling because it forces me to leave the hotel and do something or at least to think about something other than how much I hate spending time in hotels. And I know this will be very foreign to people who don't do a lot of business travel. Probably a lot of you are like, what's so wrong with having like spending time in hotels and having, you know, people clean your towels for you and having access to room service and a minibar or whatever. And There are a lot of blessings to it, but at least for me, it is the place of darkness and horror.

To be honest, it is. And so having to make a Vlogbrothers video is like, OK, well, you have to do something other than like stare at the television, which you don't. I can't find the energy to turn on and contemplate the dead blank face that's looking back at you through that off screen.

You have to make a Vlogbrothers video and it kind of like gets me going. So I guess that would be my other travel tip. I. don't want to make traveling for work seem that bad because lots of people enjoy it.

But that would be my other big traveling tip. make videos or do something. do some kind of creative projects with or for people you love just to kind of like feel connected to your wider world so you don't feel like you're just like disconnected in this travel space. and then lastly definitely Pick an airline and work hard to get medallion status. Not that it really means anything. It doesn't really improve your life in any way.

But it's like winning a video game. It's like leveling up. So it allows me to feel like I'm accomplishing something by traveling because I'm getting closer to diamond status.

Hank: Yeah, that's what they want. That is their goal.

John: Well, it works. And when I get diamond status this year, Hank, And Delta Airlines is forced to, every time I enter the airport, shoot off champagne poppers and sing, we love you John Green, we do, we love you John Green, we do. Then I'm going to be so excited, I'm going to be so happy.

Hank: That sounds very exciting for you. We have another. question. It's from Emily. Dear Hank and John, I'm hoping you can help me solve a mystery.

For six years now at the Indianapolis Airport, there has been a Spanish language announcement stating that, quote, effective of June 30th, 2009, it is prohibited to smoke in the Indianapolis International Airport. It is not permitted to smoke outside, on the streets, or in the parking garage. There is not currently an English language version of this message.

And this is the only Spanish language announcement in the airport. It sounds to me like no one in charge speaks enough Spanish to realize that this sounds quite silly at this point. Any thoughts on the matter?

John: Emily, you've asked the single most important question facing humans today. Why? 6 years on, does the Indianapolis International Airport continue every 12 minutes to play that Spanish language announcement that it is no longer possible to smoke inside the airport? Is it because they believe that Spanish speakers smoke at rates higher than English speakers? is it because also why don't they ever have in Spanish that you need to keep your bags with you at all times and that if a stranger approaches you? and asks to put something in your bag you should say no which they also air every 12 minutes. lest one forget that if somebody random walks up to you and says can I put this dynamite in your in your luggage you're supposed to say no. Emily, it's a great question.

It's a question actually that I have asked the Indianapolis International Airport over Twitter. They did not respond. I feel that it's time to retire the announcement.

You can't smoke in any public place anymore, including but not limited to the Indianapolis Airport. And yes, I am equally frustrated by this. And when I'm filming a vlog, I cannot tell you how often in the middle of a really great take They will come on the air and remind me in Spanish that I cannot smoke.

Hank: Your life is so hard, John Green.

John: I know. Thanks for empathizing, buddy. This question, speaking of hard lives and personally specific question, comes from Kieran. Dear John and Hank, Greetings.

I'm a Nerdfighter who was recently diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and I'm heading off to college in August. I was wondering if Hank, given his own experience, had any advice about. dealing with this disease while in school. Hank, you have Ulcerative Colitis.

What do you think?

Hank: It depends on your severity. But like, it's mostly about getting used to and being comfortable with uncomfortable things. So letting your professors know and your friends know that you might have to not be where you're supposed to be at all the times when you're supposed to be there. And you might have to run off in the middle of class and just don't ask because you know where I'm going.

Yeah, and it's about like being comfortable enough with your disease and your situation to not feel embarrassed about that or to, you know, be able to get over the embarrassment of it. And that's really hard. And it takes time and practice.

And that's the only thing that it takes is you just have to do it. And the more you do it, the more you'll know that people are really going to be fine with it.

John: Yeah, I feel like we have so much shame around our bodies that diseases like ulcerative colitis are kind of doubly traumatic. Like they're obviously physically traumatic, but there's also this huge social stigma. that goes with it because we aren't allowed to talk about pooping and we aren't allowed to talk about like intestinal diseases. in the same way that we're allowed to talk about say a broken arm or diabetes. and I just want to encourage you to be as open as you can and to understand that your body is not shameful and that making this you know it's unfortunate that you have a disease that's made worse by its social stigma. but you know the vast vast majority of people um are are compassionate and open and will not be uh judgmental and will not snicker at you and will understand that you are living with a chronic illness that is already difficult enough without having to be surrounded by uh people who would who would shame you?

Hank: yeah and it's a thing that's going to but it's not Not going to be embarrassing. It's going to be embarrassing for you, and it might also be embarrassing for them, but it's just, you know, like, the only way that we can move past this is if we pretend like it isn't embarrassing, and then everybody will be like, I'm embarrassed, but should I be? And then they'll be like, no. And then it's okay.

And hopefully, through a generation of that, we can have children who will not feel like they can't, you know, have a disease that involves pooping. and not experience constant shame.

John: Yeah, I guess that's what I really want because I do think that like once people are exposed to it and if you can be honest about it, like Hank, when you're honest and open about it, like my own embarrassment, it's actually done wonders for my own embarrassment and shame around. bodily functions, you know, and I think that it's unfortunate that you get placed in a position where you sort of have to be A spokesman for it, but it does do a lot of good and people's attitudes do change by exposure and they become more comfortable and they stop seeing it through the embarrassing lens that they've always seen it through. But it does take time and work and it's not fun.

Hank: Dear Hank and John, I recently finished my first year of university, and right after that I went on a service trip to Nicaragua. I have been thinking a lot this past year about ways in which we can help those less fortunate than ourselves, especially when it involves other nations than our own. Is it right to interfere in the lives of others and come to help them as if we know best? Kim?

John: Well, that's a really interesting question. And I think for a long, long time, one of the biggest problems in global development and global aid was this idea that instead of listening to people living in low income countries about their needs and their proposed solutions to the problems they face, you know, The US and Europe and the Soviet Union would come in and say like, oh, we have the way and now we shall implement it. And that was very effective in terms of getting countries to, you know, side either with capitalism or communism. But it was completely ineffective when it came to development.

And that's one of the big or one of many reasons why low income countries. I think the key Here and the key in so many places is to listen and to listen empathetically and to understand that people living in poverty understand much more about poverty. than we do and they also know solutions that we can't possibly think of. so instead of like going to a poor country and trying to I think that it makes a lot more sense to go to poor countries and listen and then see if there are ways that money or other resources can help to implement solutions. and I think that kind of development is a lot of what we've seen in the last 20 years and has a a lot to do with why we've seen these dramatic reductions in infant mortality, in maternal mortality, dramatic reductions in malaria deaths and diarrheal deaths. It's because we finally have started to listen, but we still need to do a much better job of that.

Hank: It's really difficult to come into a place and have this goal of wanting to make the place better and then to not immediately impose all of your values and perspectives and worldviews on that situation. Like, I am used to a world where you solve problems by hiring people, and you solve problems by thinking really hard about complicated, you know, like this, and I'm solving the problems inside of the social structures. that I know and understand, and... Those are not the social structures of other places. They're the social structures of Missoula, Montana, and online video, which are not universal in any way.

So, it's important to realize that when we are engaging other places and other people who are different from us, we are the ignorant ones. We have no idea what's going on. We have no idea how that society functions, and wanting to impose And like sort of implicitly imposing our worldview and then also wanting to impose our values are destructive feelings. because there's there's the thing where you where you feel like well I'm helping. and but like this thing this way that your culture behaves upsets me and so like let's fix that first is not? that's not why we're doing this. we're doing this so that fewer babies will die and so that People will live longer and have happier, healthier lives.

That's the first step. And like this thing that happened for a long time where the first step was to impose your values along with whatever aid you were giving was...

John: Yeah, and we still do a great job of not doing. that. I mean, the healthcare system... in the developing world that I know best is the Ethiopian healthcare system. And one of the biggest successes that they've experienced in the last 15 years is with volunteers. It's with female volunteers in rural communities who go out and talk to their neighbors about prenatal care, about how, when it's time to have a baby, how to get to the healthcare center. or if necessary to get to a hospital and those are people who aren't paid like that. that's very counter to my understanding of how you solve healthcare problems because I live in a country where we spend 20% of our GDP on healthcare and so I remember talking to a woman and saying like I don't want to sound like a you know like a filthy capitalist but like why do you do this? like You know, like you have a lot of other work and you have a lot of other responsibilities, why do you do this?

And she pointed out to me that that is not a question that I would ask if I had seen a lot of babies die.

Hank: This brings to mind the fact. that I have put this podcast in the comedy section, which I really feel like it belongs there. I'm glad I did that.

John: It's non-stop comedy. Our only negative review so far on iTunes has the subject line comedy question mark question mark and then the text was something like This podcast was so depressing. Why do I have to think about the fact that we're never going to explore the galaxy? And the answer to that is that we are never going to explore the galaxy.

It's not my fault. And it's hilarious. That's amazing.

Hank: That's the most depressing thing you took away from that episode. Not that the lifespan of the human is inconsequential.

John: Anyway, it's just good old fashioned comedy.

Hank: Do you want to know why I put it in the comedy? Section John. Yes. I was going through the sections and they kept asking me to subcategorize Mm-hmm Like if I picked what it'd be like. so which which of these subcategories? and I was like that's too much work and when I clicked comedy There were no subcategories.

John: laziness the key to podcasting success Hank. I think it's time to talk about the news from. AFC Wimbledon the most important football club in the world owned by its fans Built by its supporters and of course Mars, which is a cold dead lifeless rock orbiting around The Martian played by Matt Damon, who is one of my favorite people. 

Hank: Matt Damon is lost in a dust storm as they are evacuating Mars because of this dust storm and presumed dead, but then he ends up to not be dead and he has to stay alive for years on 30 days of supplies. It's basically, it's like, it's just weird engineering. It's just him, like, And I absolutely suggest anyone check it out. And it's but in like. the fact that they're turning into a movie is weird because it's going to be you know It's. it's like the whole book like it mostly has one character because it's a guy who's alone by himself on Mars, right?

John: They did that with uh, they did that with I am legend.

Hank: Yeah, which didn't turn out well.

John: Oh, I thought I am legend was totally watchable.

Hank: I Didn't watch it. I've only heard That it didn't turn out well.

John: You know, people are always so hard on. Will Smith movies, but just like Tom Cruise movies, I find them to be solidly viewable. I feel they distract me from the void, which is the number one thing that I ask of films.

Hank: Yeah. Well, maybe I'll check it out. Does it have zombies?

John: It doesn't have zombies exactly, but it has sort of... It has zombies of a kind, yes. It's a... It's a zombie-like film.

Hank: Those scare me a lot. I get very scared.

John: Well, I will tell you, it is a fairly scary movie. It's one of those movies where everything's pretty chill. You get the feeling that Will Smith leads an overall pretty high-stress life, due to being the only known human on Earth. So you always feel this medium level of anxiety, but then like, Hank!

That, by the way, is again not news from Mars, it's news from Earth.

Hank: Let me ask you a question, John. If they were making a movie out of the AFC Wimbledon story, would that not be your AFC Wimbledon news this week?

John: Actually, it would not, just because the actual news from AFC Wimbledon is so great.

Hank: Okay, yeah, I believe that for a moment.

John: Hank, Hank, Hank, are you sitting down?

Hank: Uh, that would be weird if I was recording a podcast standing up.

John: Autobio aken Fenwa. The most important soccer player for AFC Wimbledon, the strongest man in professional soccer according to the video game FIFA, the cult hero of AFC Wimbledon. He's big. He's tough.

And he's just signed a two-year contract. He's staying at the club despite offers from several American clubs in Major League Soccer. Adebayo Akinfenua, also known as The Beast, is staying with AFC Wimbledon.

It's huge news. He loves the club. He loves it.

It's owned by its fans, and he turned down offers to come to America for it. He's had a fascinating career, Akinfenua. He started out in his professional career in Lithuania.

He's always been told that he Hank, I don't know if you're googling an image of him right now, but you should. He started out in Lithuania. He once played for five clubs in a single season in England, but finally he has found his home where he is acknowledged and loved for the incredible player and person that he is, and that home is AFC Wimbledon.

We are so delighted that he. is staying with the club. I yelped for joy. Hank, as you know, I've had a pretty good couple of years in terms of professional and my personal life.

I had a child. 

Hank: I have to say that this is not what soccer players look like.

John: He's a big man. He is a big man.

Hank: I actually remember watching, I watched whatever the recent important sport thing And I remember seeing him on the pitch and being like, that is, yeah, different.

John: He is strong. He actually has a line of clothing called Beast Mode On, because he calls himself the beast. And when he gets out on the pitch, he turns the beast mode on. Because in real life, he's a very quiet, incredibly charismatic person, one of the most likable intelligent funny athletes I've ever heard interviewed. but then when he gets on the pitch he's got to turn beast mode on and he is just brilliant. he scored against Liverpool last season Hank he is the real deal and I truly believe that with bio as as we call him we have a very good chance AFC Wimbledon of going up to league one the third tier. of English football and then no one could make the case that Mars is more important than AFC Wimbledon.

Hank: We have news in the podcast as well. We have an editor for the podcast, Nicholas Jenkins, whose name you might know from being the producer and director of Crash Course here in Missoula.

John: Thank you, Nick. You are awesome.

Hank: In other podcast news, we held the second top spot on iTunes as our podcast in America. But we were. we were pushed out of number one because Stephen Colbert and his new his new nighttime show Pushed us out of the top spot. I don't know why he had to launch his podcast the same time we launched ours But we did usurp him in Canada and the United Kingdom which are of course countries that are way more important than the US. Because our podcast is popular in places where people get free health care.

John: It's not free. They have to pay taxes for it. It just It just seems free because we pay more taxes for healthcare and don't get universal healthcare. So that's why you were confused.

Hank: Also I tweeted to let people know that Steven was. keeping us out of the top spot and they should go subscribe if they want us to make it there, which we of course did not. But Steven tweeted back at me and he said, "@HankGreen sorry my anglerfish based music is just better than yours.". Hashtag yours is good though. Hashtag can't hate the night.

Hashtag Song Wednesday. Hashtag I run this pod town.

John: Hashtag Song Wednesday implies that Stephen Colbert watched Vlogbrothers in 2007, which I think is very unlikely because I feel like I was almost personally acquainted with everyone who watched Vlogbrothers in 2007 and I don't recall any of them having a cable show.

Hank: Right, no. Yeah, I feel like we would have, like, recognized that screen name. Yeah, but...

John: I don't know, I bet he has some minions who tweet for him too. Who knows if it was the actual Stephen Colbert, but regardless, thank you, Stephen.

Hank: Don't ruin my dreams! It was the actual Stephen Colbert. Just because you've been on the Stephen Colbert Show and you've, like, touched him doesn't mean that, like, I don't need validation, John.

John: Yes, Hank, you are suffering so mightily from a lack of outside validation. I. don't know how you get through the days. So thanks to Stephen Colbert for ruining our dreams of having a number one podcast. Thanks to all of you for listening.

Please send us your questions at hankandjohnatgmail.com. And as we say in my hometown, don't forget to be awesome.