Hank: Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. 

Maureen: Or as I like to call it, Dear Maureen and Hank.

Hank: Oh, hello there. This is a podcast where today I, Hank Green, and Maureen Johnson answer your questions and provide dubious advice and bring you all of the latest news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. Though I don't know if Maureen has any AFC Wimbledon news, do you?

Maureen: I barely know what balls are, sports balls.

Hank: Sportsballs, you're familiar with. Listen. Do you have a poem for us?

Maureen: I do.

Hank: Oh, that's good. So you don't have any AFC Wimbledon news, but you will fulfill John's role of a short poem.

Maureen: I certainly will. Here is a short poem for you. Blue jean baby, L. A. lady, seamstress for the band, pretty eyed pirate smile.

You'll marry a music man. Ballerina, you must have seen her. Dancing in the Sand, and now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand.

And that was, of course, part of Tiny Dancer, written by Bernie Taupin, the man who wrote lyrics to nearly all. It's an extraordinarily high percentage of Elton John's songs.

Hank: That was beautiful. That was a beautiful poem. And a somewhat unexpected direction to go in. Which I'm excited. that, yes, because who knows a bunch of short poems and is pretentious enough to talk about them on podcasts besides John Green?

No one.

Maureen: No one. Yeah. Zero people.

Hank: Zero people. Really. So... We have some Dear Hank and John updates.

The first is that we have theme music now, thanks to Gunnarolla, Andrew Gunnedy, who you can see travel vlogging and making music and being awesome at youtube.com slash gunnarolla with two N's and one R and two L's. And second, John Green, who is the John of Dear Hank and John, is in the pre-release Madness of the Paper Towns movie release. And...

He's gone. I think he's in Brazil right now, and he will not be here. He will not be at his house for the next month and a half.

And his house is where he records podcasts, so we are going to have a bunch of guest Johns. And the first guest John, as you probably have guessed by now, is Maureen Johnson. Can you tell us about who you are, Maureen?

Sure.

Maureen: I'm Maureen Johnson. I'm an author like John. Unlike John, I show up and do stuff. This is now Hank, this is the third time that I've filled in for John because he was simply too lazy or to show up.

Hank: Sort of.

Maureen: No. Well, don't make excuses, Hank. He just didn't. He didn't.

Is he here? No. Could he be?

Well, I mean, the first two times were because someone not even that he was having a baby, someone else was having a baby.

Hank: All right. Just someone that he was, you know, that he was closely related to. through matrimony.

Maureen: And I just want to say as a footnote, those two times I made videos and he actually told me that the reason he picked me to do it is that because I am so bad at making videos, he wanted to make sure to pick someone that wasn't so good that they wouldn't like them better. And then they would, you know, really want him to come back.

Hank: Oh, that's lovely. That's a lovely thought that John. That's such a nice thing.

Maureen: That's actually something he said to me. And you know what, though? He was right, because I... I am not good at making videos.

Hank: Well, it does sound like something John would say.

Maureen: Oh, it is absolutely something he said. You know, and I also wrote a book with John. I almost said called Paper Towns, but that's not it. I don't know.

I don't know what I do. Called Let It Snow. So we have done that together.

Hank: Yeah. And do you have a... Tell me about your jars.

Maureen: Oh, that's been a while. That is a reference to people who follow me on Twitter. I spend a lot of time on Twitter. And I used to say that I would put everybody who followed me inside a little tiny jar and keep them with me forever.

Hank: But I've run out... Just like on the shelf behind you, run out of space or run out of jars?

Maureen: They're still metaphoric, you know, I still in spirit, everybody's in there. But I've moved on to other storage, large, large storage containers, shipping containers, things like that.

Hank: So I'm, what am I in?

Maureen: A very special spot in my heart.

Hank: But not, I'm not in a jar or...

Maureen: Tupperware, Tupperware.

Hank: Small Tupperware.

Maureen: Yeah, well yeah, a nice one though. Not one of those ones you throw. away, which frankly make me angry.

Hank: Yeah, yeah, why does it, I feel bad, I get, you know, like lunch meat now comes in this Tupperware and you're like, I now have this... And it's not very good but I have it and it's clearly not just a bag or it's not a disposable container. and now I have this and I feel like I have to clean it out and keep it. but who, you know, I have to continue buying more lunch meat and the only solution I can see to this problem is lobbying the lunch meat companies to to have more sustainable packaging. Do you see any solution aside from that one?

Maureen: You know I live in New York which is the land of takeout and every time you get a delivery you basically destroy the planet every single time. You get about 90 plastic containers and then in the end you're just like you know and they're just for you know a handful of rice but it's in like a huge very kind of sturdy plastic container and you're like oh I just I'm gonna just get rid of that I guess because I've got. 600 of them.

Hank: We should start a company, a business that just collects sturdy plastic containers from people in New York City and then resells them to people who are normal in other states and cities.

Maureen: You know what, if anybody was going to do that, I think it would be you because I believe you run 20 hundred businesses at this point.

Hank: Well, that's the thing that you have to, you know, if you have an idea like that, you have to like let nothing stand in your way. Somebody's gonna do that. 

Maureen: Ketch 22 He runs the war and you see that like he's slowly, like that's how I see you but in a good way because he's a little evil but not like that. You're like the good version of that.

Hank: You want to know something about books that I have noticed about myself?

Maureen: Yeah, I would like to learn something about books. I've been winging this a long time, Hank. I was hoping somebody would come up to me and say that very sentence.

Hank: I, for a long time, believed that if a book was assigned in class, that it was definitionally an unpleasant thing to. read.

Maureen: Oh yeah, sure. I think a lot of people think that.

Hank: And because of that, I've never read Catch-22.

Maureen: Oh, it's so good. You should read it.

Hank: Yeah, and like, I remember when I finally read The Great Gatsby. After having, you know, Cliff's noted it in high school, I was like, this is a very good book. I'm kind of surprised. And I was like, why didn't anybody tell me that this was such a good book?

I felt the same way about Fahrenheit 451, which I read in high school, and I hated every second of it. And then I read it, and I was like, what a fantastic piece of literature. Who would have thought?

That this thing that everyone is forced to read is in fact quite good and that is why they make us read it. It's true.

Maureen: Some of these books, though, can be confusing out of context. You know, I read, for example, I've just totally blanked on the title of Ernest Hemingway's 1925 novel, The Sun Also Rises, I believe is the one I'm... And I'm. I was this kind of a kid and one of the major, wow, I'm about. to go right into the territory that we started this in, but one of the major things you need to know about this main character is that he was injured during the war and is, can you say impotent?

Hank: Sure, yeah.

Maureen: I just didn't. Well, he is. And that's largely, that's a huge part of the book, which was not something they were going to explain to us in My Catholic All Girls High School. Yeah.

Kekch 22 It's brilliant, but it may, you know, some of these things, they don't instantly arrive with, you know, all of the, which is why, you know, Cliff Notes came around, but then people only read the Cliff Notes and, you know. And the circle of life continues. Also, an Elton John song, not by Bernie Topan, though.

I believe those were Tim Rice lyrics.

Hank: Wow. You know a lot about Elton John.

Maureen: I know a lot about Elton John.

Hank: But not about books.

Maureen: I don't know. I know very, very little about books. I've written some.

Hank: That's a question All right, so we uh You mentioned earlier that you have several times replaced John Green and in various other Enterprises, which is. why I wanted you to be the first guest John here on Dear Hank and John minus John. Amelia has a question that is specific for you. She says Dear Hank and Maureen What is it like to be the actual John Green?

Maureen: She is referring. Hi, Amelia You are referring to the fact that the one of the first times that when John went away for the first time, I made three videos for him, which almost killed me. I mean, I'm really not good at this. If I ever wanted to make videos, someone would actually have to make the videos for me because I really don't know what I'm doing.

I've never put that on. I like I shone lights directly into the camera like there. I tried to record an entire video sitting next to a fountain.

So all you hear is the really stupid. And I did manage, despite my ineptitude, to record a music video.

Hank: Yes.

Maureen: And I called it actual John Green. And it is a sort of riff on a Beastie Boys song called Sabotage. And I just did it with. it was me and I gave the camera to a friend. and said, follow me. And we just we just. made this music video and my friend Gene wrote this music. and the answer to this question is it's like um doing all the work but without any of the perks. so I'm not hanging out with celebrities. um you know I'm not.

I'm not hanging out with celebrities I think is one of the major complaints I have and I truly believe that even if they because they There's this possibility that Let It Snow will be made into a movie, and I fully expect that articles will read written by John Green and some randos.

Hank: Right.

Maureen: And you'll just see us, like, you'll see a hand in the corner of the photo in the back, and that'll be us. So... But I'm okay with that. I'm actually fine with that.

He's a lovely guy, is John. He's lovely.

Hank: Yeah. Yeah, but being the temporary replacement for him, does it leave you feeling unsatisfied? It doesn't.

Maureen: You know what? It's an honor. It is an honor and a privilege. I mean, he's a nice, he's, you know what, your brother's a nice guy.

Hank: I'm glad you think so. I agree. Do you? I do!

Yeah, I mean, sometimes he's my brother, you know, and I'm like, oh god, shut up. But, he's a nice guy.

Maureen: Well, we all think that, but I mean, it's, you know, to be fair, you know. But, I mean, he gets around your brother, I mean, you know, you don't, I don't ever feel like, whew, you know, if only they were just more... John Green articles in my life. I'm like, this guy, this guy.

All right, enough with this.

Hank: I have a question. that is not a question. It's just my question. Who do you think is the most famous person you've ever met?

Maureen: Probably John Green.

Hank: Really? 

Maureen: Oh, now I'm thinking. I mean, I've probably met a few. Well, you know what? He's getting famous-y.

Hank: Yeah, a little bit.

Maureen: Yeah, he's getting kind of, you know, he's in the Time 100 and stuff like that. You know what I mean? Like every time I read about you or your brother doing something I'm always doing something really wretched Like looking for something in the garbage or you know You've accidentally thrown away your contact lens.

Hank: Yeah, and you're just like well, I. guess I could probably save it.

Maureen: It was like the day. I have a really beautiful necklace and I accidentally vacuumed it up and I had to cut open a vacuum cleaner bag. Oh, yeah and search through the the dust to find my necklace like some sort of weird gem hunter and then like John Green comes on NPR and is like oh hello yeah no he's like on the today show in the background. yeah that is what it feels like but it's in. it's in a good way. I don't think I'd be good at those things so I'm kind of glad he he's.

Hank: yeah I I'm super glad that I don't have to do with that that stuff either. and it's it is a weird thing to have my brother showing up in those strange places but I do not find myself envious of it. I met Will. I. Am this weekend in France, and before then I really wasn't sure if it was John, or if it was Wil Wheaton, or if it was Brent Spiner, or any of the various other famous nerds that I've met. 

Maureen: J. Leno three hours.

Hank: Oh, yeah. Well, George Bush is. definitely more famous than John Green.

Maureen: Probably.

Hank: Yeah. Yes. He was the president.

Maureen: Is John not the president? I'm not sure. Yeah, like he's on the phone to the president. You know, it's ridiculous, but it's actually reached the point now where I just sort of assume that I'm going to see, you know.

As I said to John when The Fault in Our Stars came out, that if they didn't project the image of the OK OK onto the face of the moon, then he was a failure. And it didn't happen, so he failed. We're going to stop talking about John.

He's not here. This isn't about him, Hank. Yeah, this is.

Hank: Yeah. Why are we talking about John? He's like a ghost.

Maureen: He's haunting us.

Hank: Yeah, gross. It's like a gross, smelly ghost. Do you want to give us a question?

Maureen: Ask Maureen, how do you live in London and America? Do you have some kind of weird dual citizenship? And allow me to ask this, how do I get this? I don't live in London and America.

I only live in America.

Hank: But you are always going, and for a while, I mean this isn't the. case anymore, but for a while you were in London like every other week.

Maureen: Yes, yeah. And there is a reason for that, and it seems like I might be a spy or something. I am a spy.

Hank: You're not allowed to say that as a spy, just to be clear. The first, like, spy lesson number one is never say, it seems like I might be a spy. Like, don't, just don't bring that up. Yeah.

Maureen: Oh, well.

Hank: But anyway, sorry, you've ruined your spy status, so you're not a spy anymore.

Maureen: I go to, I go to England. still, my partner is English, and so for many years we lived in two separate places, so I would go there. He would come here, but I would go there more because my job is weirder and I'm a writer. So I, you know, I don't have to go to an office. Sometimes I go to offices and they say, please leave.

And I, you know, can I stay? And I stay there and I get in like to the closets and stuff and I can stay there for a while sometimes before they find me. But in general, I'm. not supposed to go to offices.

So, but he has to go to one every day because he makes video games. So they make him, they make him go to an office. And now he lives here and he goes to an office.

Hank: But you didn't have any like green card problems with that. They didn't try to kick you out of the country.

Maureen: They didn't try to kick me out of the country. I, everything, you know, I, I legally entered, you know, each time, which is good. And they did start asking me more and more personal questions. Like, you know, how serious are you about this relationship?

Hank: Really?

Maureen: Yeah.

Hank: The customs guy was like, so how serious are you about your relationship? Because I am not doing anything after work.

Maureen: Well, well, yeah. He's a custom. Oh, did I mention he's a customs guy as well? Um, but he, yeah, no, they would ask, they would ask things like this. and they ask you, especially if you're a writer, you get asked all kinds of weird, cause it's a dumb job to have.

And I've gotten lots of questions like your writer, what do you write books? One of the first questions, have I heard of you? I'm going to go with. no, since you're holding my passport, looking at me, looking at my name and looking at my photo and saying, do I know you is probably no.

Um, And one guy when I went back to New York and I was really jet lagged at half asleep and it was like in my mind four in the morning and he said, so do you write good books? And I was like, I don't know. And he's like, what do you mean? you don't know?

You should be more confident. Say you write great books. I was like, what?

And he's like, say you write great books. And he wouldn't stamp my passport until I said I was a great writer. So it's not just an immigration service.

It's also a self-esteem course.

Hank: Yeah, there's self-confidence boosters. And also now you have Custom certified by the United States of America, a stamp that says you are a great writer. It's just a smiley face. I think that's what that means.

Maureen: It's a smiley face on a book.

Hank: Yeah.

Maureen: I'm not 100% sure I was in immigration. I was really tired, but yeah. So that's the answer to that one.

Hank: Alright, um, Hannibal asks, Dear Hank and John, I'm a high school student, and I'm being passive-aggressively pressured by my parents to get a job for the summer. Personally, I'd like to get a job so that I can save up to move out in a couple of years, so I ask you, oh wise people I found on the internet, what are some good methods or strategies for finding a job? If it helps, some of my skills include video editing, short story writing, a knowledge of how computers work, also competence.

Maureen: No, that's not, I would really argue with that last one. I have a lot of thoughts about this.

Hank: I'm sorry. Like, that's the one. Because you're not gonna, as a high school student, you're probably not gonna find a high skilled job in the writing or video editing areas, though I encourage you to try. But just being generally competent and thoughtful, that's gonna be the thing that gets you the job at the entry level position.

Maureen: Yeah, I've had a lot of... I've had so many jobs. I mean, I went to. school for... I went to art, you know...

Art School, basically. I was an English major and then I went and got an MFA in New York. So I was a theater and writing student in an MFA program, which means that I was broke and had to do anything.

And I had a couple and I'd moved to New York, which is just the most expensive place you can live. So my policy was I would do any job.

Hank: And I had really D. A. N. N Well, it's really, it's about like, do you know enough, are you empathetic enough to know the lie to tell?

Yes. And if you can tell a really good lie that's not going to get anybody in trouble and it's not going to hurt anybody, then you're displaying a kind of competence. It's a communication skill.

Yes. Lying.

Maureen: Yeah, don't lie, except it turns out that the only way to get a restaurant job in New York is to lie and say you've worked there before. So you have to say of course and so I made a resume with all of these restaurants in England because I'd studied there Knowing that because at the. time there was no like Skype or anything and knowing that they wouldn't call Mmm, and so I had this because I'd worked some of them. I just really extended the times and then I fully made up about three of them. But I walked in with an air of total confidence.

But I want to also explain that I was trying to get a waitressing job in a haunted house restaurant. So you know I was not trying to get a job in air traffic control. I was literally trying to. it was the most amazing job I've ever had because that place was loaded down. it just closed.

I'm so sad. it was loaded down with microphones and video cameras and little things on the wall like animatronic skeletons and stuff. so we so people upstairs could spy on all the customers oh my god. and we knew what they were doing. so we knew if they were complaining and things because we could say like turn on the rhinoceros on table 42 and then the right. oh my god. yeah no i have a lot of stories about this.

Hank: that seems that seems illegal.

Maureen: oh no you. know you went in knowing that all of the things on the walls were okay because they talked they. the thing was it was fun because you'd go And you'd go there because it would suddenly spring alive and suddenly the skeleton would talk to you.

Hank: Right, it would like respond to something you were saying.

Maureen: Yeah, and it was supposed to catch you off guard like, hey, give me a fry. And you'd be like, oh, that's so scary. But also the skeleton was listening to see if you were going to send back those appetizers. I love that.

So we would kind of know like, you know, 42 is going to send back their appetizers and like it was the weirdest dumbest. I encourage having lots of stupid jobs. Don't worry if you get like a dumb job or what seems like a gross job or I've had so many dumb and gross jobs.

They are the best jobs you can possibly have. I miss waitressing because it's so like, you had to learn to read people really quickly. You had to learn to kind of live on a day to day like the money I took home. in my pocket was what I lived on.

And I really had to scramble to earn my money and like do a good job. And I learned a lot of people skills and some of the best stories I have are from my kind of dumb, you know, weird, like picking up garbage at Sesame Place was the job I had. I watched someone punch Grover once.

That's something I saw.

Hank: Was Grover, was there a hand in Grover? Grover animatronic.

Maureen: No, like a person was inside of a giant costume.

Hank: Oh, a big giant Grover.

Maureen: Yeah, people regularly hit costume characters. It is terrible.

Hank: I was a mascot. I was the high school mascot in my high school, Willie the Wildcat, and I would get beat by little children. They like, you know, it was an expensive suit and I was told to like protect the suit with my life and not let anyone hurt the suit. And when they would like pull the tail of the suit, I like, what are you going to do?

Hit a child? Like, I can't communicate. I'm wearing a wildcat costume.

And so I had to, you know, like wag my wildcat. finger at them. And that was all I could do. Yeah, I, I did not like that.

Maureen: People take out a lot of aggressions on costume characters. I did it once when I worked for theater festival. They called me at five in the morning and they said morning get down here because the guy we hired is too big. So you're small, come over and get in the costume.

And they put me in a Cat in the Hat costume that you saw out of the neck. So it like had another head on top of my head. And then they just, you're supposed to have someone with you, but they just sent me out on the streets of Philadelphia at 100 degree temperatures.

And I remember wandering into the road and I couldn't see where I was going. And I walked into the side of a building. So, you know, these are the times I cherish.

So go out there. You know what? Just go out there, ask people about jobs.

I think it's fine to sort of go into places you're interested in. Or just, you know, if there's like a little shop in your town or. whatever, like, go in and just start asking people if they're hiring and, you know, that's really how I think it's done. Yeah,

Hank: I did that to get jobs as well and I found it very terrifying to like walk into a place and be like, okay, accept me, make me your person and And 

Maureen: you may have this feeling when you walk in the door because you know like where I live there a lot of the store called Wawa which is a convenience mart. And when I went in normally, I didn't think about it, but when I went in to ask for a job, it suddenly seemed like I was walking into the White House. Like, it suddenly will seem like, oh, I have to be on my best behavior. I'm in a Wawa, you know, like it suddenly seems all different.

That's normal. Don't worry about that. Just like be like, oh, I'm getting into a different mindset.

Just ask them if they have an application.

Hank: I have another question. This one is from Nick. Nick says, Dear Hank and Maureen, would you rather have the ability to turn everything you touch into Dwayne the Rock? Johnson, or have every song you listen to sound like Smash Mouth's All Star? 

Maureen: This is...

Hank: You okay?

Maureen: This is dark. 

Hank: Well, the thing that I noticed about this question, it says that either you have the ability to turn everything you touch into Dwayne the Rock Johnson, or you have to have every song you listen to sound like Smash Mouth's All Star. And if it's the ability, if I can choose, then I would definitely choose the Dwayne the Rock Johnson power because basically that changes my life not at all. I will just choose to never exercise that ability.

Maureen: No, I gotta go the other way.

Hank: Why, are you afraid you're gonna accidentally turn someone into Dwayne the Rock Johnson?

Maureen: Well, one, for sure I am. For sure I am. Like, I'm going to, you know, it's always that time that you're not paying attention. And you're gonna turn something into Dwayne the Rock Johnson.

It's just. it's gonna be your ma and you've done it and she's the rock. However, so you kind of ruin the world because you know what the rock is great. But what's so great about the rock is that there's one. of him, you know, like if it was too many rocks.

Yeah Yeah, but you only person suffering with the second one and I do degree this is this is suffering. is you if every song you hear just sounds like Smash Mouth All Star?

Hank: Well, the thing is, I like that song, but I still wouldn't want every song I listen to to sound like it.

Maureen: That song is a really, like, notoriously terrible earworm. I mean, that is...

Hank: Mm-hmm.

Maureen: Just, even, I've said it now, and that's, that's two weeks gone.

Hank: Well, have you ever listened to Neil Cesariga's Mouth Sounds?

Maureen: No.

Hank: Well, next time you're on a road trip, or on an airplane, it's really great road trip music, actually. That would be my suggestion. If you're ever on a road trip, Download Mouth Sounds by Neil Cesariga. It is a mix, what do they call it?

A mashup mix, that's what it's called. And it's just wonderful.

Maureen: I don't think it's called a mashup mix.

Hank: Whatever, I don't, it's a mix of mashups.

Maureen: You've put a bunch of phrases together. What do you kids call it? A mix mash? A monster mash?

Hank: A mix monster mash? It's definitely a mix mash.

Maureen: It's a blendini? Is it a...

Hank: All Star is central to it and it is really, really pleasant to listen to and hilarious.

Maureen: That song was featured in every movie made between like 1995 and 1998 as well.

Hank: Yeah, I think that the folks from Smash Mouth did okay.

Maureen: They actually even, I remember this vividly, they even appear in a movie playing, it's in rat race.

Hank: It's in Rat Race, at the end of Rat Race.

Maureen: They go to a concert, they're all forced to go, at the end of this terrible movie, they're all forced to go to a Smash Mouth concert. It's not a terrible movie! It's not a terrible movie.

Hank: I love Rat Race.

Maureen: I do like it too, but the actual events are terrible, like imagine having to do all this stuff and at the end you also have to go to a Smash Mouth concert.

Hank: They seem so happy though, the problem is they have to give the money away.

Maureen: Actors, actors have to be like, oh I'm so happy to be dancing around All Stars. Hank and John, considering humans cannot see every color. Well, news to me. I have that new Apple screen that shows all the colors, even the ones that, oh right, you can't see.

What happens to all the unseeable colors? Do we just see them as white, black, or clear? Do you think scientists will find a way to genetically modify our eyes to see those colors?

Hank: Seems like it is a question for me.

Maureen: Oh, I don't know anything about science.

Hank: So, so what Maureen was surprised to hear is that there are colors that we can't see. That's not really true because the word color is, uh, is, is almost, is like by definition a thing that we can see. But there are. but but like scientifically a color is a wavelength of light. It is being detected by our eyes.

It's a visual representation of a certain wavelength of radiation and There are far more wavelengths of radiation than the ones that we can see. the visible light portion of the electromagnetic spectrum is very small and And so there are there are lots of wavelengths that are outside of what the receptor in our eyes is actually able to detect and it will trigger an action potential. So action. potential being the neuronal signal that gets sent to your brain and interpreted as color. So since we only have receptors, we have like the rods and the cones, we only have receptors for certain wavelengths.

There are wavelengths outside of that and those do not trigger the action potential. and so if you were in a room with a light bulb that shined only light in that undetectable by us frequency, you would appear to be in a dark room. You would not detect anything unless it was really high energy and it was like actually ionizing something in your eyeballs and making you see glowing in which case you have other things to worry about like you're probably gonna get cancer. So we see unseeable colors as black, and as for whether or not genetic modification could allow us to someday see those colors, yeah, that's a thing that could happen, but it would not be a huge benefit partially because the majority of The light of the radiation in and around us is in the visible spectrum and that's because most of the other radiation is either absorbed by the atmosphere or not emitted by the sun. in the first place.

So the reason we can see in the visible spectrum, this like narrow band, is because that's actually where most of the radiation around us lies. Some in the ultraviolet and some in the infrared as well, but we mostly don't...

Maureen: I just want to add, the other day I went to a 3D movie, but I didn't know it. I just thought I was buying tickets to a regular movie. And when I got there, they were like, do you want 3D glasses for your 3D movie? And I was like, oh, I didn't even realize I bought tickets to a 3D movie.

And I just sort of want to complain that I think that sometimes they should make it more clear because you don't always want to go see a 3D movie sometimes. Is that part of the answer? Does that kind of...

Hank: Are you aware that I sell a product that allows you to watch 3D movies in 2D?

Maureen: I am aware of that. That was one of the first times I said, Hank is an actual proper genius.

Hank: Well, thank you very much.

Maureen: And when I was going to see my 3D movie, I lost my 3D glasses three times on the way. It was a weird afternoon. And there was this Paper Towns poster there that had the disappearing Margo in it. So I was like, oh, this whole movie theater is doing crazy, crazy things to my eyes today.

And that's something about eyes.

Hank: Yes, eyes. It has to do with eyes. It's not the same thing that you said. It's a completely different set of phenomena.

Maureen: I was really annoyed at Apple when they were like, we have made this computer with these, these colors and this screen is so good that you literally will not be able to see or perceive. The changes we've made because they are too good for your fragile human meat sacks. 

Hank: I did not hear that.

Maureen: Oh, yeah. When they came out with the retina display, maybe they didn't because it was Oscar, my partner, who is the science nerd of our household and was like, you know, some of these changes we will never be able to perceive.

Hank: They have to upgrade human bodies before people will be able to enjoy the upgrade to their phone.

Maureen: We're a bunch of dumb meat. sacks. Sophia asks Dear Hank and John, I am terrified that I will finish high school, go to college, get a job, get married, have some kids, wrinkle up, and die. The average progression of adulthood terrifies me. I want to make a spectacular impact on the world, but it seems like those dream jobs where your life makes a difference to the world are hard to come by.

Is it impossible? To hope my life does not become normal. If not, how should I go about making that dream a reality?

That's a great question.

Hank: I will say that it's real easy to look at the at like, the very sort of surface level things that we know about the people around us and the people we like see at the grocery store and the stories that we sort of imagine about all of the folks that live in the world. And and just assume that their lives are boring. And that there's that They have this typical progression of life and it's just like a movie that you've already seen. And you're like, well, I know how this ends, so why even bother?

But in fact, that's not. how anybody's life is. And I think that most people, maybe even all people, have lots of weird, spectacular things that happen in their lives and contribute greatly to the human endeavor. So my take on that is that you will.

My take on that is that those ways to live your life and not just jobs but general life things that make a difference to the world aren't hard to come by and it is not impossible to believe that your life will have an impact and in fact it will likely happen even if you aren't trying. but it is good to be driven and try to have those impacts because You know, it will drive you to do more interesting and weird things.

Maureen: I had this, this was, this question was basically my fear through all of high school. I was, well, not even fear. I was just very determined that I was not going to, you know, that that wasn't going to happen to me. And what Hank just said, I agree with a million.

I mean, my mother, for example, is a nurse and she's like, oh, my job is so run of the mill. I'm just a nurse. But no, it's not.

What she does is extraordinary. I mean, One of my mother's days is like so much more. I mean, she's, someone severs a finger, she's getting a finger out of a machine, she's like resuscitating someone, like she's doing all of these things that...

Hank: Wait, she's getting a finger out of a machine? Yes. They have like a vending machine of fingers?

Maureen: They do have that. Okay. They have that now. They have those now.

Don't you have those? We have those in New York.

Hank: It's like those new things that like will fix your espresso just the way you want it. It's like just programming the finger you need.

Maureen: We just eat fingers here. No, where my mother works, I don't want to say too much about this, that she works in a school setting where there's machinery and she has had to do things like get severed fingers out. And she does a lot of kind of extreme stuff. And I think what she does is so exceptional and so amazing.

And I really am in awe of what she does. I went to a Catholic girls school and they. made us take a class called marriage and it was taught by a nun. And that, first of all, right there, the humor of that was not lost on me at the time.

And I spent every single day sitting in marriage class taught by a nun, just staggered by where I was. For as far as I was concerned, all of high school was just someone trolling me. Defacing my marriage book.

Just making fun of everybody in the pictures. I would just say don't, you know, these things that seem ordinary are truly when they happen to you exceptional. And just you kind of make your own luck and you make your own chances.

So you have to sort of not be afraid to veer from the path a little bit. you know you have to that that ability to kind of step out and say i don't really care if i look stupid i don't really care if i have to seem like i have to prove anything to anybody. that just takes a little bit of courage. sometimes and sometimes you have to do stuff that you're like oh i'll never get out of here i'll. do lots of dumb jobs forever and That's not true. You sometimes have to work your way to these places. that are the more unusual jobs. You don't sort of land there overnight either.

So don't worry if it doesn't happen overnight, because I think a lot of people are like, I am 21 and not a celebrity yet. This is awful. It's fine.

Hank: You're fine. And the other thing to remember is that getting married and having some kids, those are really remarkable things.

Maureen: Those are some remarkable things. Yeah. And when you do that, you can get someone else to make your videos for you.

Hank: What do you mean? Like I should have kids so that so that my child will make my videos for me?

Maureen: Well, you could do that. I meant that specifically your brother.

Hank: Oh, John, I would never let John make my videos for me. He's not even that good at it.

Maureen: Oh, I'm not even going to bother to correct you or like go back because that is just just boom. You just you just Hank stamp that you're like Dan. You know boom you drop the mic. you walked away That's just. why this is why you're the more popular.

Hank: It's just brotherly love. Yeah, the thing the thing is the nice thing about John being much more popular than me is that I can say mean things about him.

Maureen: And it doesn't seem that mean because like he's John Green I will tell you a true story about because he's a lovely guy. one time we I was out with John and his editor And for some reason, we decided to see if we could get into a, who could punch John harder in the arm contest, which he fully allowed. He's like, go ahead. And so Julie punched him in the arm and I punched him in the arm and we were like, who did it harder? And then he was like thinking about it and we just kept kind of hitting him in the arm.

And he was fine with it. He seemed, he was like, Oh, well, you know, it was kind of a tie. And cause he's just a lovely person.

He's like a gentle giant. You're both very tall.

Hank: To all of the people out there, if you ever see John Green, don't punch him in. the arm.

Maureen: Don't punch him in the arm! Even if he lets you, because he looked really sad, and I think we may have, like, kind of bruised his arm. Like, we were not trying to hurt him. We just sort of wanted to see which one of us could hit harder.

Hank: You weren't trying to hurt him, you were just hurting him.

Maureen: I also don't hit very hard, honestly. Like, I... I... am not. I think it's important, Hank.

I think it's very, very important that when this podcast comes out, no matter what happens, you have to tell him there was a huge spike in popularity when he went away and when I filled in.

Hank: Okay. Well, I think what we have to do is we have, like, in order for that to happen, people, like, that has to be true. So people should tell all of their friends to download the podcast, even if they're not going to listen to it.

Maureen: Oh, absolutely.

Hank: But also to tell them to listen to it, because aren't we just so charming?

Maureen: You guys are very charming.

Hank: Well, I mean, you and me.

Maureen: I'm not going to speak to that. I'm. not going to speak to it, Hank. I know that you're charming. I've seen your videos.

I've seen you in person. You guys are very charming people. You're nice people.

That's why people like you.

Hank: You're not going to accept your own charm?

Maureen: I don't have any proof of it. I have a scientific mind. 

Hank: All right. Eman asks, Dear Hank and John, So it's Ramadan at the moment, a month in the Islamic year when people fast during daylight hours, but my mom has made the call that I need nutrition and can't fast, so I've decided to give up music instead. Music is in my blood. I am a pop chart geek, so I need time fillers that don't have music.

First, I apologize for our theme music. I hope I didn't prevent you from listening to the podcast or ruin anything for you. Second, I think that this is a really cool idea to extend the spirit of Ramadan outside of the constraints of your situation.

And I think that not listening to music is an interesting thing. In general, not doing something that is sort of your thing for a while to see what other things. there are. that might be your things. I think that's a cool idea.

So, Maureen, any things? For Iman?

Maureen: You know, it's hard because I feel like I don't have the qualifications, the knowledge to answer this question. But I would say that I hope that during this time, you are not approached with this whole question about whether or not all the songs you hear sound like All Star by Smash Mouth.

Hank: Well, that's not actually wouldn't be a problem at this point, because there are no songs that she's hearing.

Maureen: Yeah, I'm just saying if anybody approaches you, full stop. Don't agree to it.

Hank: Right, okay, yeah. In general, if it's a would-you-rather, always make sure first that we're talking hypotheticals here and that you're not actually going to bestow me the power to turn anything I touch into Dwayne the Rock Johnson, which of course, being that I, like my foot, is currently touching my leg, I might accidentally turn myself into Dwayne the Rock Johnson, which would be really confusing for me and my wife. and all of my viewers on YouTube.

Maureen: It's the first thing that would happen. I mean, like, you'd just, you know, go to move your hair or something or in your sleep, you know, and then suddenly you wake up and you're doing the Rock Johnson and then you're done. Like, it's just done.

Hank: The huge problem with me becoming doing the Rock Johnson would be I would immediately, like, I would exercise the current amount. So, like, over the course, like, I would not start to exercise rock level exercise, I would just Diminish in size until I was like the sad skinny rock and everybody be like, oh, there's Hank. He's like, he looked like. he's genetically identical to Dwayne the Rock Johnson, but he looks so very, very soft.

Maureen: Or they call him gravel or something or pebble. Some sort of diminutive nickname.

Hank: Hank, Hank the pebble Johnson.

Maureen: Hank, this, this small stone. 

Hank: Just mud. It's just tiny, tiny rocks in water.

Maureen: Clay. Yeah. Fish gravel.

Hank: Well, in response to this question, I would say podcasts, for one. You're listening to one right now. There are lots more, and they do have theme music, but I think that's not in the spirit of what you're trying to do here. There are many podcasts that I would suggest you. listen to.

There's actually a really interesting podcast in which they dissect songs that Probably would not be in the spirit of what you're trying to do. But there's lots of podcasts about lots of fascinating things. There's also lots of YouTube videos and movies.

And you go see some stand-up comedy, maybe? Like that's a- Reading. Dating?

Maureen: Reading. But you can also go dating, but I mean reading.

Hank: Yeah. Yeah, reading is good.

Maureen: I don't know. Spend your time dating. Just date everything. It seems- It seems- More than anything else, that just seems very tiring.

Hank: Yeah, ah, exhausting. Call up Dwayne The Rock Johnson and see if he'll go on a date with you.

Maureen: That's one thing you can do.

Hank: What would it take, do you think, to get The Rock to go on a date with you, Maureen? Like, I don't think it would happen for me, but for you. If you wanted to, like, really badly go on a date with Dwayne The Rock Johnson, what would you do?

Maureen: Oh, that is not something I've thought about. I imagine I would have to be... He seems like a nice person.

Hank: He does seem like a very nice person. Yeah, he could probably date The Rock if he wanted to.

Maureen: I would love to. He is my imaginary boyfriend. I'm always like, you landed a plane on the Hudson. Like, you're the best.

Sully. Sully can, you know, Sully can do anything he wants. Okay?

Sully's a great man. All the clubs, you know, the velvet rope comes back for Sully.

Hank: Right, I just don't think that maybe that's his bag.

Maureen: He seems like he's just above all of that. I think he just spends his nights doing good deeds.

Hank: Yeah.

Maureen: I would try to lure the Rock with good deeds.

Hank: Right, okay. No, that's a good thought. I actually have a friend who's met the Rock, so you're only two degrees.

Maureen: I'm practically there. I should make it, like, my thing.

Hank: Yeah, I mean, I'd...

Maureen: Isn't he? He's probably married. He's probably married.

Hank: I know nothing about the Rock's personal life. Mmm. Fact.

Maureen: Yeah, I don't know, but he seems like he'd be married.

Hank: Oh, he is. Oh, he's not married. He is divorced in 2008.

Maureen: Well, then I better get to work. I better look for a burning, you know, puppy orphanage or something. That's. how I would do it. I think it is always good to just do a bunch of good deeds and then people will look at you.

And so you've done good deeds for the right reasons, but also people will look at you and go, hey, there's a do-gooder.

Hank: Yeah. And the Rock will say... You know, you and I, we like to do some of the same things. Making the world a better place.

Maybe we should go get a drink.

Maureen: Or another thing I could do is like have, get stuck under a really heavy thing.

Hank: Just make sure you're nearby the rock.

Maureen: Yeah.

Hank: And then you get a rock, a really heavy rock that only the rock can lift stuck on you. Yeah. And then once he saved you, you'd be like, I feel indebted to you. I need to buy you a drink.

Maureen: It's super complicated, but it would probably work.

Hank: No, that is a great, great plan.

Maureen: You just have to kind of, you have to really stay pretty close to the rock, and you have to be willing to put up with a certain amount of...

Hank: Grievous bodily harm.

Maureen: ...pressure. You know, like, this. is terrible, but in the Salem Witch Trials, one of the people accused was pressed to death, and apparently his last words were, More weight. And I believe that that is possibly the situation you might end up in while trying to lure the rock while under a rock.

Hank: You'd be like, he's not paying attention yet. He does not see me in enough plight. Yeah.

Maureen: It can't be like a paperweight. It has to be like something out of Roadrunner, like a rock. 

Hank: What if it was just the rock? What if the rock fell on top of you? That's what you need to do. You need to be standing in front of the rock, have someone trip the rock, and the rock lands on you, and then he feels bad for hurting you!

And then he takes you out for the drink.

Maureen: I think another thing, you lay on the ground in front of- you lay on the ground and wait for the rock to come by.

Hank: So if I come to New York City tomorrow, will I just see you laying on the sidewalk?

Maureen: Yeah. But that's- that's what I do.

Hank: I mean- That's not unusual.

Maureen: No, that's not unusual at all. That's not unusual. That's that's just, you know, Thursday. If you come over, that's yeah, I'll tell you where to find me because I could be in a number of different places.

Hank: Number of different places on the ground.

Maureen: Just on the ground. OK, sure.

Hank: Well, in the meantime, Maureen Johnson, do you have any news to share from us from AFC Wimbledon? Because John's not here to give us that fascinating, obscure. Football trivia?

Maureen: You know, living with an English person, I occasionally hear words about football. That's all I have to say about that.

Hank: Give me some football words, then.

Maureen: Uh, you say things like, come on, England. He says that a lot.

Hank: What does he say when he's sad about it?

Maureen: Uh, he just sort of makes noise like, ah, just pretty typical, really?

Hank: Yeah, yeah.

Maureen: English people, I will say this about English people, English people don't give you a straight answer about anything, so. It's hard to get, English people, if you're listening, you know, they're like, yeah, she's got a point. Because if you say something to Oscar like, do you want cheese on your sandwich? He won't say, yes, I'd like cheese or no, I don't want cheese.

He'll say, the thing about cheese is, and then you'll get like a nine to 10 minute lecture on cheese and you'll be like, great, do you want cheese? And he'll be like, well, you know, we can't really know anything about cheese truly. And they will not sort of tell you ever, just forever.

You're just You'll go insane trying to get a straight answer, but football is one of the few things where they do seem to kind of really give you their true emotions. I believe it exists in order for English people to just say yes or no in a kind of clear way like, yes, I am happy you kicked that ball into that net. No, I am disappointed with your actions for failing to kick the ball into the net.

You are a failure to me and your country.

Hank: Well, I feel like actually I may have learned more from your football news than from John's just because I really do need a base level of instruction here. I feel like I'm jumping in at way too high a level when John talks about. AFC Wimbledon.

Maureen: Yeah, you know, it is beautiful. I have watched the World Cup and I was like, this seems like it would be You know a good sport to know anything about but I don't. I don't know anything about any sports to watch them truthfully. I am that horrible person who just doesn't who just doesn't know.

I feel like I'm sort of missing a Gene or something like. I can tell it's really good and fun.

Hank: But yeah, I think it's okay. I think you got other things that you can that you can be excited about and and do with your time But I just like to be excited about more stuff. Well, do you want to be excited about Mars?

Maureen: I would never go to Mars, Hank!

Hank: No, I agree, I would also never go to Mars.

Maureen: Okay, well I'm perfectly prepared to be excited about it as long as I don't have to go there.

Hank: Okay, um... In Mars news this week, NASA is developing a tiny ultralight plane that could be packed onto the next Mars mission with the ability to fly up to 20 miles before landing on the surface of Mars. after the rover portion of the mission is deployed. It would be folded up inside of the ballast that's ejected before the rover lands, and it would be able to deploy after landing. It would weigh 2.6 pounds.

So it's very small, it's like two feet long, and it would be able to fold up into a CubeSat configuration, it wouldn't add any cost to a future mission, and they're currently testing similar configurations here on Earth where there's a lot more atmosphere and a lot more gravity, so they'd have to change the thing a little bit. And also a big problem is that the Earth version navigates with GPS, but there is no GPS system on Mars yet. And I'm Hank Green.

Kaitlin Kelly I don't, I... No one will want to pay for it. The only reason so many people want to do it is because there are so many people.

So if you start, if you have any preposterous idea, you can find eleven people who will do it. Well, that's a cheerful... That's how we always like to bring it back around to death here on Dear Hank and John.

Maureen: Well, can I bring it? back to life? Because I watched StarTalk with Neil deGrasse Tyson the other day, and I'll tell you for two reasons. One, because it's great, and two, because my dog Zelda loves watching Neil deGrasse Tyson on television. She loves him, and will come from anywhere in the house to sit there and watch Neil deGrasse Tyson, and that is true.

She... She just sits there staring adoringly at him and sometimes will get up and once knock to the television over in her attempts to get at Neil deGrasse Tyson and kiss him. And it's only Neil deGrasse Tyson.

She knows the sound of his voice. She knows his face. And she will come from any corner of the house to get near him.

But I was watching that with a dog who was thrilled and They were talking about the Mars missions. and one of the people on StarTalk said, we will probably know within the next 20 years whether or not there's, we'll get the soil samples and we will know whether or not there's life on Mars. And does that excite you? Are you betting on this?

Are you like, yes, I think there is?

Hank: I. don't think so that getting a negative is very hard. So like knowing for sure that there isn't life on Mars. So what really they're saying is that it's very likely that there is or was And that if it was widespread across the planet, which it probably was, if there was life at all, then it will be pretty easy for us to figure that out. We just have to be able to do a lot more science than is easy to do remotely.

So having a sample sent back to us or being there to do the science. And having a sample sent back to us is a lot easier than being there to do it because it's not easy to live on Mars.

Maureen: Okay, follow-up question. Are there ghosts on Mars?

Hank: No.

Maureen: Alright. You seem pretty sure. 

Hank: Okay.

Maureen: You seemed really sure about that.

Hank: Yeah, I mean, I feel pretty confident that there aren't any ghosts on Mars.

Maureen: Well, I guess we'll find out.

Hank: Will we?

Maureen: They have to go up there with, you know, like the ghost hunting shows have to go up there with their, you know, I Felt a Cold Spot and, you know, there's a breeze in the room. I want to see ghost hunters on Mars. Then I'll know for sure, Hank. Then I'll know for sure.

I have a scientific mind. You apparently are just ready to discount this whole, whole, just of whole cloth. Just say, I don't believe it, but not me.

Show me, show me those electromagnetic readings with the little cookie thing. Then I'll be sure.

Hank: Oh, great.

Maureen: I don't think you're thinking like a scientist, Hank. I don't know how you do SciShow with, like, sloppy, sloppy reasoning like that.

Hank: Just, yeah. I have a very closed mind, apparently, when it comes to whether or not there are ghosts in a place where there have never been people.

Maureen: Well, I guess we'll find out.

Hank: Do you think maybe there are, like, little, like, Martian life-form ghosts? Like, if there were, like, one-celled animals, there's, or whatever they would be.

Maureen: Hank, there is literally a show. 

Hank: Space Ghost. You know, it just doesn't seem like you know very much about Space Ghost. I met Space Ghost, the voice of Space Ghost, and I got him to sign my wallet, and he was very kind to me. I. met him at an anime convention when I was in college.

Maureen: Did you meet the voice of Brack?

Hank: No, I didn't.

Maureen: Well, then this story isn't so great, is it?

Hank: I really do like Brack a lot.

Maureen: Yeah.

Hank: And Wilfred Sprank.

Maureen: And the Angry Mantis.

Hank: Yeah, what was his name? 

Maureen: Big fan, huh? Oh, I hear the typing in the background.

Hank: Captain Google. Zorak!

Maureen: Zorak, yeah, Zorak.

Hank: I was trying to moan over the sound of the typing.

Maureen: That's always a good... That's always a good thing. to do on a podcast is just moan to cover up your typing noises.

Hank: Yeah, well, we have to. we have to deceive the audience somehow, Maureen.

Maureen: The magic of theater.

Hank: And with and with that, it feels like it is about time to wrap up. Is there are there any final words that you would like for the audience of Dear Hank and John?

Maureen: Obviously, I've enjoyed being here and I hope that I hope it's been OK. Know that John is coming back.

Hank: In a while. It's gonna be a while. I don't know how long the while will be.

Maureen: It rate this particular episode very highly. I think just really. just pump this one up as much as possible.

Hank: Tell all your friends.

Maureen: It would be funny to see John get a complex about this this episode. So that would be funny.

Hank: I mean it was better than any previous episode of Dear Hank and John and I cannot imagine what that is except that John is holding me back.

Maureen: I've been saying this for years. 

Hank: Oh, it's such a clear truth. Thank you for watching this, uh, thank you for listening. So, thank you for, shut up. Have you ever watched John make a video?

Because this is how we do it. Over and over and over again.

Maureen: I was there pretty much the day John made his first video. Oh wow. So, imagine what that was like. It took him like six hours and he was crying for three of those.

Hank: Alright. Thank you all for listening so much to this episode of Dear Hank and John, but without John and instead with Maureen Johnson.

Maureen: And remember, like this one more.

Hank: Like this one more. Thank you. We have an editor of this podcast. His name is Nicholas Jenkins.

We have the theme music from Gunnarolla. We have. our special guest, Maureen Johnson, who you can find on Twitter. I think it's just at Maureen Johnson, right?

Maureen: Yes, it is.

Hank: And I'm Hank Green. This has been Dear Hank and John. You can send us your questions at hankandjohnatgmail.com. And as we say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome.