Lizzie: Good morning, Internet. Or, you know, whatever time it is where you are. What time is it? Good lord. Wake up, Lizzie, come on. I'm sorry, Charlotte, you should probably cut all of this out. You know, why do I even bother saying that? You never do.
Charlotte, you should keep in all of this mindless blithering. Blah, blah, blah, bh... My name is Lizzie Bennet, and- [yawns]

[Intro plays]

Lizzie: So why are you being treated to the Lizzie Bennet Zombie Diaries today? So glad you asked. Is it because we're careening into the end of the semester and I'm slammed with deadlines? True, but no. Is it a shameless ploy to invoke an internet meme for more viewers? Not even. Is it because George Wickham's back in town and neither one of us got any sleep last night? Ha! You wish.

No, the blame, as it will surprise no one to learn, rests with my mother. I believe I mentioned before that she loves a good panic. Charlotte, roll the clip.

Lizzie: [as her mother] Thrift is to be admired, Lizzie, but that's no reason to show off our virtue.

Lizzie: But her latest fixation has taken on a whole new level of nuts. This morning, my mother dragged me out of bed to go grocery shopping with her at four AM! Who goes grocery shopping at four AM? Insomniacs? College students? Vampires?

Yeah, obviously someone must, or we wouldn't have 24-hour grocery stores. Well, now you can add the Bennet family to that list, because Mom's decided she doesn't want any of the neighbors to see us using coupons. So I'm dutifully helping her fill our cart with cans of green beans in cranberry juice - five for four dollars! This week only! - when it hits me--what's wrong with this picture? We're buying canned green beans in cranberry juice at four in the morning!

[knock, then Jane from outside] Hey, Lizzie, do you want me to drop you off on my way to work? 

Lizzie: Yeah, hang on a sec. [to camera] To be continued.

Lizzie: Hey again, it's been another fun-filled day in the Bennet household. I didn't think this was possible, but the green-beans-in-cranberry-juice situation has gotten even stranger. Mom wasn't just buying them because they were on sale --oh, no. She had a plan.--Behold! Green beans in cranberry Jell-O. Seeing is believing, am I right? And now, for the plan. Hang on...

Lizzie: Jane? can I borrow you for a second?

Jane[Off screen]: What is it? ... What are we doing?

Lizzie: I need a scene partner.

Lizzie: [as her mother]: Ta da! Isn't it perfect?

Jane: [as herself] Oh wow, Mom, that's a very nice cranberry gelatin mold with green beans in it...

Jane: [breaking character] Lizzie, this isn't very nice.

Lizzie [as herself]: Is it true?

Jane: Well, yes, but you always make Mom seem unhinged.

Lizzie: Okay. You play Mom.

Lizzie: [as Jane] That's so nice Mom. Are we eating it or is it for the neighborhood potluck?

Jane: [as her mother] Oh no, Jane, it's not for eating.

Lizzie: [as Jane] Oh? What's it for?

Jane: [as her mother] It's for you to carry over to Mr. Bing Lee's house. Now, I have checked the weather and we are due for a freak rainstorm tomorrow afternoon. You'll wear your white dress --with the full lining, of course-- and the rain will melt the gelatin, which will run all over your dress. Naturally, when you arrive at his house Bing Lee will offer to wash it for you...

Jane: [breaking character] This isn't a good plan, Lizzie.

Lizzie [as herself]: I know.

Jane: I don't wanna do that.

Lizzie: Oh no, don't worry. You won't. I've got this.

Lizzie: [reluctantly eating gelatin] The things I do for my sister.
This plan was impressive even for Mom. The only thing Mom loves more than a good panic, is a convoluted plan. I was just planning to talk to Mom, but when I went downstairs she was talking to Dad. And I wasn't eavesdropping, but her voice...carries. Should I get in costume for this? Nah, screw it. 

They were talking about a second mortgage, and the falling value of the house, and other... personal financial details that I will not share on the internet. I haven't talked about this stuff because it's boring, but there's a reason we all still live at home and Jane isn't paying back her student loans. But now, it seems to be getting worse.

Is this whole marriage fixation a race to get us out of the house before there isn't a house to get us out of anymore? Like we'd lose the house... At least not anytime soon...

Lizzie: [unconvincing] Mom just loves a good panic!

[Lizzie: eating gelatin] You know, the parts that are just gelatin - not that bad.

Lizzie: [picks up green bean] Let's just save that for later.

[Outro plays]