Previous: Introduction to Chemistry with Hank



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In which John discusses his impending role as a parent, his own dad, and the space pterodactyls whose poop makes the sky blue.

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A Bunny
( - -)
((') (')
Good morning, Hank, it's Monday, January 18th. Which means, you know. Any day now.

Today we're going to talk about fatherhood because that's all I'm thinking about.

So Hank, obviously, I'm very excited about the prospect of being a father. But to be totally honest, sometimes I think I'm not, entirely qualified. For example, I don't even remember to shave everyday. Also, I'm pretty lazy. Not in the sense that I don't want to work hard, but in the sense that I don't move much.

Also, our father is like a really awesome father. Like he's done a great job and he's always been proud of us and supportive. And he's made tons of sacrifices for us and he can do all that dad stuff like…woodworking.

I'm not a good woodworker. [On screen: That's what she said.]

It's a hard example to live up to, but on the other hand, I'm lucky to even have that example.

The other thing about our dad, Hank, is that Dad can always answer those questions that kids have about the nature of the world like 'Why is the sky blue?' Whereas I can not answer those questions, even though Dad has explained it to me like a thousand times.

So when my kid asks that, I'm either going to say 'I don't understand it, it's very complicated, call Grandpa' or I'm going to say 'The sky is blue because in space there are these gigantic blue birds like pterodactyls and they poop blue and cover the atmosphere with blue…Except when they're sick and they poop grey and that's why clouds are grey.' And he's gonna be a terrible science student because he's gonna believe deep down that there are these birds orbiting the world whose poop affects the color of our sky. And I will be a failure.

But Hank, deep down the nature of impending fatherhood is that you are doing something you're unqualified to do and then you become qualified while doing it. Which is in some ways analogous to writing and publishing a novel; although in this case, the novel is a person who will grow up, and if you mess up, will require a lot of expensive therapy.

[makes supernote] That's the sound that my anxiety makes.

Anyway, Hank, when I start to feel anxious about my impending fatherhood, I remind myself of one important fact. I am not the first organism ever to face parenthood and many of them have been much less qualified than I have. I mean, Hank, right now, Willy could have seven kids. [Willy licks John] Thank you for the licks.

I mean, if we hadn't cut his balls off.

And Hank, I think that we can agree that Willy, while he is inarguably adorable, is not well-qualified to be a dad. For one thing, he's an idiot.

Hey Willy, what's the square root of four? What do you have to multiply by itself to get four? [Willy licks John, John makes sounds of surprised disgust] No, the answer is not licks. The answer is two. [Annotation: Or -2.]

So I'll be okay. Although I do need to start shaving more.

And Hank, I'm comforted by the knowledge that even though my baby will have a doofus for a father, he's gonna have an awesome mom, and an awesome Uncle Hank and Aunt Katherine. Hank, DFTBA, I'll see you on Wednesday.

Oh, and sometime if you can, I'd love it if you make a video for me that answers all those questions that kids ask. You know, why is water wet, why do platypi lay eggs, why is the sky blue. So that after the baby is, you know, born and reaches the age of curiosity, I won't look like an idiot.