Craig: sighs Oh! Jeez! You're right! Okay, here, take all my money. Congratulations! Hey! Oh, you don't want it? Okay.

If my mother--who I often refer to on my YouTube channel, bless her heart--saw your performance, this is what she'd say:

You won! Whoooo! I need a scotch.

There were no swear words in that statement. I would take that as the biggest compliment you have ever received. So, good job. You're doing well.

Ambrose Burnside's facial hair was so outlandish that it spawned a whole new word. "Sideburns" is a much more flattering term than the British alternative: "bugger's grips." Oh, Britain, you delightfully eccentric friends to the East, don't ever change.

Round "Fore"! Be glad I didn't use the other word I was considering that starts with "fore." Okay, the number four is spelled differently, true. Don't care. Sorry for that outburst. Okay, let's move on.

Fact 1: There's only one member of ZZ Top without a beard, and his last name is "Beard."

Or Fact 2: Before the invention of the copper razor in 3000 BC, people removed their beards with fire!

Okay, while you're deciding, I'm just going to have some chips and salsa here.