Good morning, John.

This video's going to have frank discussions and also joking about health and the human body.

Just so you know.

So I have "Ulcerative colitis", it is a chronic disease

INCURABLE, so far anyway

where your immune system is like "This colon looks terrible, I need to, hurt it."

I don't know why, no one does, it sucks.

It causes... diarrhea. And bleeding. And Paiiiin.

And (?) severe fatigue, weight loss, eventual Death.

When it gets that bad we have a cure for it where they take your colon out.

But that also comes with its own difficulties.

I'm a big fan of my colon.

Look, it's not IT'S fault. My immune system is attacking it.

Ulcerative colitis also increases your chances of colon cancer and a bunch of other nasty diseases,

so it's important to keep an eye on the colon

and by eye, I mean endoscope.

And by endoscope I mean a big long weird tube with a camera at the end of it, and a flashlight,

and a thing that pumps air out so your colon inflates, and a little water gun so it can shoot at stuff.

And also a laser sometimes? So it can cauterize wounds.

And a little clippy thing that snips off polyps and do biopsies.

It's a pretty cool tube! 

"How, much, does, an, endoscope, cost?"

Well I can't figure out how much a colonoscope costs.

But it does have a section in the key benefits that says
"Smoother and more comfortable insertion."

So I hope they've got that one in my hospital.

Anyway, I've gotten a bunch of colonoscopies over the years. I think this is maybe my third or fourth?

The fact that I can't remember might indicate that it for me is not that big of a deal anymore.

But with luck everybody gets to have several colonoscopies, so Let's Talk About It!

Even if you're not planning on getting one, just knowing before your doctor brings it up. Not a bad thing.

So the thing to understand about the entire process of a colonoscopy is that they want your colon to be real clean

and generally, it's not like... I don't think I need to explain that.

That's why for like a week beforehand you shouldn't have any nuts, you shouldn't have corn,

you shouldn't have anything with seeds, like a sesame seed bun or raspberries...

Those things stick around, they can get lodged in places

and the doctor sees them and is like "What's that?" and then they use their water gun

and if it doesn't move then they're like "Something is weird! And I'm worried about it!"

but then it's like "AH! It was a sesame seed the WHOLE TIME!"

The doctor's your friend. You wanna make life easy for them, don't eat a buncha nuts.

That water gun is adorable and everything, but like sometimes that sesame seed's just really stuck there. 

But that is uh, step #1. Step #2 is the Horrible Gas Gan of Misery.

I don't know why they can't put this thing in a better container. It seems very industrial.

But the copay was 0 dollars.

My main tip here,

put it in the fridge the night before.

It needs to be in the fridge for at least 12 hours.

You do not wanna drink this stuff warm.

If you start to get a little vomy, which happens,
I like to have a little sip of coke just like a little sip, reboot my palette. 

You can have coke or clear liquids or green liquids.

You can't have red liquids the day before the colonoscopy because that, looks like blood.

You don't want any maybe's when it comes to blood during the colonoscopy.

You can also take a Benadryl. That can help chill the vom.

In addition to not drinking red stuff, you also can't eat anything the day before the procedure.

I'm currently IN that day, at the beginning of it.

I will be useless by the end but right now,
egh

The stuff that they put in this can, you like fill it with warm water shake it up and then you put it in the fridge

that stuff is gonna make you feel a little bit like a rocket on a launchpad, except it's not like combusted rocket fuel coming out of you.

So if that's what it feels like, you did it right.

This is the day when you're gonna poop a lot.

You might wanna get some baby wipes, some A+D ointment.

You figure out how to use those things yourself I'm not gonna explain 'em.

Ideally, you can get a good portion of the day off before your colonoscopy

because you're taking this prep, and you're not eating food, so you're not a ton of fun to be around...

I like to use this day to do stuff that I wouldn't otherwise do.

Like work on a cool new project that I haven't thought about.

Or watch Star Trek: The Next Generation a lot.

Something I love doing that is not gonna have any annoyance in it

because... short trigger.

You often hear people say that the prep for a colonoscopy is "Hell". I find it a, it's like it's not fun.

But like in comparison to the procedure, it's bad cause the procedure these days is very... like nothing.

You go to bed, they give you Propofol.

You can also ask to be awake during the colonoscopy if that's your bag.

But they won't bring that option on their own.

More than half of colonoscopies result in a biopsy being taken or a polyp being removed. That's not weird.

So if you wake up and find out that happened, that's not like panic time, that's normal.

The vast majority of polyps are not cancerous.

But if you do have cancerous or precancerous growths, this is why you did it.

A 100% of colonoscopies end in MASSIVE farts.

They inflate your whole colon so that they can look around in there.

So yeah, let it go.

I am one with the wind and the sky.

At the end of the colonoscopy you will want someone to drive you home, and so will the doctors. 

And they will not let you drive yourself home because you will be on drugs.

Propofol, which is the drug that is mostly used for anesthetics now, wears off fairly quickly. 

But you probably should consider that day a wash as well.

You might wanna watch more Star Trek. You might not remember what happened.

And if you notice anything weird, they'll talk to you about this but like,
talk to your doctor if things seem off after the procedure.

And now without further ado, let's walk through the process as I experience it.

It's time to take my first, drink of the drink.

It's like a gallon of stuff. You will drink it in 2 sittings, 2 hours long each.

Oh yeah just make the glubby noise that's great.

Now I get to set a timer and see how long it takes for something to go through my whole body.

It's about 30 feet.

It's not as bad as it's used to be honestly.

It takes about an hour for that stuff to go all the way through you.

Which seems fast, but it is only 0.0056 miles per hour. SO it's pretty slow, honestly. 

Ok, it's been a long time since I've eaten food, but I'm up. It's time to go to the hospital.

Kitty, can you wish me a good time?

Give me a kiss.

(muah)

It is a surprising amount of online shopping, which might just be because I'm not making good decisions.

I bought a bunch of shirts Catherine. 

"Oh good."

(Music)

You'd think if there was any one place in the world, where they wouldn't have terrible, hard, awful toilet paper it would be the endoscopy clinic but YET!

Ok I got my IV on, about to go do the thing. I'm a little nervous as to be expected.

People are all very nice, so we're doing this thing.

(Music)

(Drowsily) My doctor was Eren Stone. He could've studied stone...

Kidney stones, geologyyyy... uh, other rocks.

They must've used the extra smooth insertion ones from Olympus.

"How are you feeling?"

Okayy

And now I'm here! Editing my video! On Friday, the day of my colonoscopy...

Was it too much?! Too much information?

I think at the very least, it's educational and in a way, that will hopefully lead to

more people screening themselves for colon cancer cause it's a serious thing.

And also that's why this video's longer than 4 minutes.

If you're headed for your colonoscopy, if you're doing your prep right now! 

Hope everything... comes out okay.

John I'll see you on Tuesday.