Hank and Katherine: Good Morning John!

H: It's very nearly Christmas, and so Katherine and I have come together to answer people's Christmas Questions. We like Christmas!

K: I guess we do, yeah. I mean... [Laughs]

H: Taha wants to know: "Is it like the films? I've never experienced Christmas day with people who celebrate Christmas." You mean like Die Hard? 'Cause it's exactly like Die Hard.

[Cut to scene from Die Hard] 
John McClane: Got invited to the Christmas party by mistake.

H: What's another good Christmas movie?

K: It's a Wonderful Life.

H: Well...

K: I haven't seen that one.

H: What!?

[Cut to scene from It's a Wonderful Life]
George Bailey: I'll give you the moon Mary.
Mary Bailey: I'll take it.

K: I've seen parts of it, I've never watched the whole thing. I got the sense that it was a real downer and that's not what I want at Christmas! 

H: I mean there's, like, feasts, and there's opening presents, and there's stockings. All the tropes are there. You eat spaghetti with maple syrup.

K: And cotton balls.

H: "Whose idea was it to bring a tree inside and then decorate it?"

K: Oh, Germans?

H: Yeah!

K: Yeah.

H: Well, around that area. 'Cause Germany didn't exist.

K: Right right right, but like, the Germanic... F-f-folks.

H: I think the idea was it's the middle of winter, and we're depressed, so we need some green up in here!

K: Spring's a long time away.

H: I was reading that they would hang trees from the ceiling.

K: Right, well, you know the house is small so you probably couldn't, didn't have a lot of floor space, to like...

H: Right, good point. Before they had the trees and also people who couldn't afford a full tree would just have, like, pine boughs.

K: Oh, like the Christmas branch?

H: And it smells good. Yeah.

K: Emmet Otter's Christmas branch!

H: Katherine has a real love affair with Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas. 

[Cut to scene from Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas]
Emmet: At least there ain't no hole in the washtub. 

H: We are talking about it now which means Katherine's going to cry for a while. We'll be back in a little bit.

K: I'm better. The thing that I have a problem with Christmas is that it comes, it's done, it's over. Bye-bye.

H: Yeah, yeah.

K: And then you're like: 'Huh, wha-, whe-?'

H: Yeah, we did all, we were prepped for so long!

K: I got all this stuff happening in my house now. What I gotta do? Just put it away?

H: Christmas...

K: No, I leave it up for...

H: Christmas ends...

K: ...pretty much most of January.

H: ... when you can blow on the tree and the needles fall off. 

K: Oh gosh, that's too late. 

H: It's really dangerous actually, you shouldn't do that. Have you ever seen a Christmas tree fire? There's lots of Youtube videos, in fact, I'll put one right here, right now.

[Clip of Christmas tree fire]

K: I didn't like it. 

H: "Where do I get last-minute Christmas presents?"

K: What do you got in your cupboards? Didn't use that soap yet. 

H: Here's some Irish Spring.

K: Yeah.

H: Carve it with a knife.

[Cut to scene from Irish Spring 1979 TV Commercial]
Actor: Look, in these green and white stripes are two deodorants to get a man fresh and clean.

H: "Did you know that Turtles All the Way Down was named a best book of the year by The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Entertainment Weekly, Time Magazine, NPR, Buzzfeed, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, The Onion, The A.V. Club, Publishers Weekly and Booklist" And it's available at a bookstore near you! That's a lot of lists, John.

K: That's a lot of lists! 

H: Congratulations. Um, yeah.

K: That's like, all the lists!

H: Yes.

K: Are there any more lists?!

H: "What do people in summer climates do for Christmas?" Same stuff.

K: Yeah, I mean, without the sweaters probably.

[H+K Laugh]

H: "Why is it traditional to have a fruitcake?" Because the world is terrible.

K: I think it was special to have fruit at this time of year.

H: Where does the fruit come from?

K: Oh, it's dried. You put a bunch of booze in it. That's your mince.

H: Mince! 

[Cut to scene from Mrs. Paul's 2009 X-Large Crispy Fish Sticks TV Commercial] 
Little Girl: You feed me mince!?

H: And it's like being able to eat a fruit in the middle of winter. 

K: Yeah.

H: It's not... exactly like it. 

K: Well, its...

H: But it's reminiscent.

K: Close, close as you can get.

H: "What do Americans do on Boxing Day? What do you call that?" We call it the day after Christmas and we go back to work.

K: It's not a thing.

H: You bring the boxes out, you put all your Christmas decorations in them, and that's Boxing Day. "What's the deal with the pickle?" Do you know what the deal with the pickle is? 'Cause several people asked about the pickle. Are they messing with us? Is there a Christmas pickle?

K: Is this like Gigi the Christmas snake? 

H: [Laughs]

[Cut to scene from Chris Fleming's Gigi the Christmas Snake]
Kids: Gigi! 

H: Thank you for your questions. Thank you, Katherine for being here.

K: Anytime. Not really. This is a once a year thing!

H: John, we'll see you on Tuesday. 

[End Screen]

H: Banging on the banquet table, demanding figgy pudding. They're wassailing you, asking...

K: Wassailing all over the town. Eating fruit and getting drunk.

H: You wassailed at the Wenceslas estate? 

K: [Laughs]

H: What, how is it RE-fridgerator? Why aren't they just called fridgerators? 

K: Happy Christmas.