Who the eff is Hank?

Well, to that I say, clean up your language young person.

Or old person.

Or middle person.

No, my name is Craig, AKA WheezyWaiter on the intertubes.

That's right, if you ever see me on a lazy river riding an intertube, call me WheezyWaiter. 

A few years ago, I filled in for you John, and i did my best impression of you that I could.

It was well received! Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun Times said: "Two Thumbs Up!" several times throughout his career about other things.

Anyway, if any of you nerdfighters miss Hank right now, I will do some things that Hank does.

Dancing!

You gotta do a lot of hip thrusts when you dance like Hank

He also sings rock music.

Rock Music! Yeah.

What else does he do?

Breathing.

(Deep Breath)

Pooping, I'm assuming

(Deep Breath)

And other stuff.

He also smiles when he talks, then he talks like this sometimes when he's trying to get his words out.

You know what I'm talking about, John.

So, all bad impressions aside, right now we are celebrating Pizzamas.

In honor of me trying to be like Hank, I'm going to tell you about the science of pizza.

The term "pizza" first appeared in a Latin text around the 10th century in southern Italy.

Here's a reenactment: Let's-a call it-a pizza!

I learned everything about my Italian accent from Mario 64.

"Let's-a Go!"

The Latin text was found in the town of Gaeta, Italy, and it stated that a person of a certain property is to give the bishop of Gaeta twelve pizzas every day.

So basically, you have to give twelve pizzas to the bishop if you are at a certain high income level, or upper crust, if you will.

(Laugh Track)

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Also, I just realized I'm talking about the history of pizza and not the science of pizza. 

History's more your thing, John. I'm sorry.

Here's the science of pizza.

"Let's-a Go!"

That's the last time I'll do that.

Most basic pizzas have three things - well, four if you count joy - five if you count bloating when you eat too much.

But the three are: bread, sauce, cheese.

Why did I have to look at that?

I've had pizza before.

The bread is made of flour, water and baker's yeast, which is actually a living, single-celled fungus called Saccharomyces cerevisiae.

Yeah, I said a big word.

That means I got to the science.

Boom! Scienced! Moving on.

And, of course, a crucial element of Pizza, John, is the Pizza John mustache.

So, here's the history of the mustache.

The oldest portrait of a mustache is an Iranian horseman from 300 AD... BC.

BC. Not AD. BC.

I couldn't find the photo, but I imagine it looked something like this.

(02:21)

By "horseman" I assume they meant "centaur."

And by "photo" I assume they meant "sewn to a pillow."

That is all I have for you today.

I assume you learned nothing.

Thank you Hank and John for having me.

I love doing these.

Please have lots more kids.

I'll see you sometime.

(Wink)