Good morning, John.

So I have heard that some people have what they call an internal monologue: a constant string of words that runs through their minds, almost as if all of their thoughts are had in words. And yes, I'm being kind of tongue-in-cheek here because I realized that I don't have an internal monologue because I kept seeing people saying "apparently some people don't have internal monologues." But I think I'm the normal one, but actually I know I'm not, and we'll get to why later.

But first, I feel like I have to explain because people will then ask me how I think if I don't have an internal monologue. And it took me a while to get to the bottom of how to describe this, but I think in thoughts. Like when a thought becomes necessary, it sort of floats into my consciousness, and it might bump around with some other thoughts, and they might even interact with each other and then make new thoughts.

When I think of you, I don't think of the words "John Green," I think of John Green! The bubble! That is the things about you! Honestly, you're a bunch of bubbles. You're not one thing. You're like all a bunch of things that all kind of stick together in the shape of a John Green.

Maybe let's do a better example. Imagine the idea of an internal monologue. I don't have those words, I just have the thing that it represents. And it's just like a sticky bubble. Then that sticky bubble might attract toward it the idea of aphantasia, the way that some people can't picture images in their minds. And maybe they will briefly come together and be an idea where maybe someone who has aphantasia might be more or less likely to have an inner monologue, and it would be interesting to know which one of those it is, or if it's neither. Those thoughts will come together in the way that I just described, but without the words that I just used to describe them. 

I do experience the words, though, when I start thinking about how I'm going to write them down or say them to someone else. At that point, I kind of do have an internal monologue, I guess? Like, a bunch of words that are conveying the thought to me before I convey them to someone else. And that seems real. It seems like thinking the thought just feels a little less efficient than thinking the thought? It's work for me to say all the words to convey the thoughts. But maybe if you have an internal monologue the process of converting it into words is easier because you don't have to. That work is already done.

But here's the thing that actually makes me feel like this is a little bit weird: I can remember having an internal monologue. In high school and college, I remember having thoughts that were just strings of words running through my head all the time, and there was never a time when there wasn't words in there, and I find it very bizarre that it isn't just different people think differently, I think differently than I used to! Minds are so strange. I'm obsessed.

And the wild thing is how little thinking about the thinking parts actually tells you. You would think that the thing thinking about itself could uncover some clear truths about the thinking, and that a consciousness would be good at figuring out what a consciousness is, and yet!

To my brain, to myself, I know who I am. I'm the Hank bubble. I'm all the ideas I have about myself and all the stories I've told about me, and that narrative pulls a bunch of stuff together, but I don't actually know if all of that stuff is actually related, or is me.

Like when it comes to consciousness, I love the metaphor of attention being a flashlight. That I shine on objects in reality, or in situations in my mind, or ideas I would like to contemplate. And like, maybe, I'm the flashlight. Maybe I am my attention. But also maybe I am the thing that is experiencing what the flashlight is showing me and is that a different thing? But also, maybe, maybe, I'm the hand that holds the flashlight, deciding what it gets pointed at. But also maybe I am the thing that grabs hold of that flashlight and forces it to focus on things that I'd rather not look at right now as I'm trying to get back to sleep in the mornings. But I also feel like I am my physical body and the experiences that I have from it.

I think that these are all definitely different things, and kind of all of them seem separate from the story I tell myself about who I am, or that story, that brain bubble, of who I am sort of ties all of these things together into one idea of "me," and it's weird! Because like, my idea of me actually doesn't feel like the part of me that makes me focus on worries is "me", because I can't control it. But maybe, that actually makes it more me. It's definitely a part of me!

Meanwhile, the part of me that seems sometimes able to control the flashlight, that does seem like "me", and I tie that me to the story I tell myself about who I am, that includes my body and my memories and my experiences. But I actually don't think any of these things are the same things. I think I tie them together because that makes sense. I create a bunch of patterns in my brain that are the thoughts of who I am, and I certainly don't have an internal monologue about that because that seems like it would be way too hard! Like people can't think just in internal monologues. How would you think about yourself? You're too big for that!

I've just been thinking lately that like, all of these different things that I just mentioned—there's a long list—might actually be different things. And they're all different "me"s that are collaborating with each other despite not even being that familiar with each others' existence? And only being sort of held together loosely by a bunch of work my brain is doing to try and recognize patterns where they aren't necessarily even there. I think that, like much of life, I might just be a collection of whatever works. And like sometimes, whatever works doesn't work that well.

Anyways, I'm fine. I mean, I'm not 100% fine. I've been better. I'm fine, physically. We're getting through it.

John, I'll see you on Tuesday.

I feel like now whenever I tell people I'm not doing well I have to be like, "but I don't have cancer!"

Ey! We're over here now. How did we get over here? I don't know, but we're going to go to complexly.store right now where you can get the Complexly Calendar for 30% off! It's the time to do it because you've got to get a calendar before it's calendar time! Pretty photos of the thing that's the calendar. It's gonna be good. You want it, so do it now!

There's also other cool stuff there that help fund the work we do at Complexly and get cool stuff! I just wanted to let you know that mostly because it's kind of the last time you can get this calendar because you need it for the new year, right? And we have a bunch, and that's why we put them on discount. We got to get them out. We got to get them out of there. There's a deal. There's a deal right now at complexly.store. Okay, now for real, goodbye.