Hello and welcome to hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green. I am the manager of the Swedish women's national team, the Yellow Herrings, the Swede Carolines. And today in the World Cup semi-final we are taking on France. It's a wonderful nation full of wonderful people. I believe they have a rooster as their national symbol which is a bold, some would say cocky, choice, and we are going to defeat them. Did you get my pun, Meredith? Thank you. Thank you very much. You're welcome. You're welcome everybody.

We are going to defeat them today as we listen to the Swedish national anthem. Is there anything in the world more beautiful than the sonorous sounds of the Swedish national anthem? What's it called, Meredith? And then we've got to listen to the French national anthem as well, La Marseillaise, a fascinating song about the importance of a bunch of civilians taking up arms against their government. Not the song I would choose if I were a government, but whatever, it's still a great song.

I have to say that when La Marseillaise was played in the England - France, England - France friendly game just after the Paris attacks, I wept when all the English supporters sang it with the French supporters, even though, of course, the English supporters don't know how to sing what is a very hard song to sing. It was very, very moving to see that in difficult times the, you know, what is best of us can come out of us and that we can come together. It was really, really moving and wonderful.

But today, while I spank France's bottom in an attempt to get to the World Cup finals with these wonderful, talented, brilliant Swedish women, I'm going to take the hardest John Green quiz ever. Is that correct Meredith? This is the hardest John Green quiz ever according to BuzzFeed. I consider myself something of an expert in the field of myself but, of course, there is much I don't know. There are depths I have not plumbed. Every week in therapy for the last 15 years I always learn something new about myself. So Meredith, let us begin the hardest John Green quiz ever.

Which John Green character is obsessed with Schrödinger's cat? I wouldn't say obsessed, you know? I would say interested in. Which John Green character mentions Schrödinger's cat while trying to explore the nature of his feelings towards a young woman named Jane in the book, Will Grayson, Will Grayson. The character's name is Will Grayson. Was I right? Ay! Thank God I remember writing that book. It's only been 4 years. The older one's I've got no chance on. That wasn't that hard. I wouldn't call that the hardest John Green quiz ever.

You want to know, you want... The first question on the hardest John Green quiz ever, what color shoes is John Green wearing right now? Because I can't even tell, Meredith. What would you say? I would say they're in that liminal space between green and brown. It might be top... It looks, you know what it looks like? It looks like if you vomit it you should be very worried. Like it looks like that color of vomit where you should be panicked. You might have an intestinal obstruction, something is seriously wrong. Do you agree with me? Meredith agrees with me that it's, that the real color of this is worrisome vomit. (Laughs) Alright. It's less of a good joke when you can't see my shoes I realize, but trust me. Worris...

Ah! You need a better pass there! Come on! Swedish Carolines. Come on! Let's do this thing, guys. Let's, let's... Can we press a little bit? Can we get some press on because I don't like just waiting here in the back. I'm more of Gegenpressing Jürgen Klopp style of Swedish women's national team coach. Don't let them pass you by like that. That's the problem with pressing, we've just seen it. We've just seen it now three times. Oh, that woman is talented but we are better. Do not call a foul there. Get up Thiney, you're fine. Oh, you're not even hurt. You just got a little Charlie horse, you'll be OK.

What's the next question? The name of the Amsterdam hotel where Gus and Hazel stay? It's also the name of the hotel where I stayed on my first trip to Amsterdam many, many years ago. I called it the Hotel de Filosoof but it is actually called the Hotel de Filosoof (fillosoaf) because too Os in Dutch mean hard, hard O, hard O. So Hotel de Filo, Filo, Filo... Filosoof (fil-o-soaf). Yay! Even with my pronunciation Meredith got there. I did it, guys. I know the hotel from The Fault In Our Stars. I didn't... Again, I don't think this is the hardest John Green quiz ever, you know? Alright, OK. Alright. Alright. So far I'm killing it.

Pudge's real name in, in Looking for Alaska? Well his real name... First name? Last name? Both? Both. Alright. His first name is Miles, as in to go before I sleep from the Robert Frost poem. His last name is Halter, H-a-l-t-e-r as in halt her which is the thing that he does not do. I know. (Laughs) She just said correct and I was like "Yes. No, I am aware". I mean now I feel like I'm actually quite knowledgeable in the field of my own books.

Oh, this is a potential disaster. Everything worked out better than expected. Yes, you should apologize to your teammates for that one. Alright guys, we need focus commitment. No! Anything but that! Oh God. Meredith, it almost fell apart. Le Sommer with a brilliant press, Gegenpressing style which is what I like to see. They're definitely pressing far up the pitch, but doesn't that mean that if I can just get it into midfield that we'll have some space or are they playing with more people than we are. Go! Run-run-run-run-run-run-run-run-run-run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Keep running! Never give in! Oh! Sweden! We are up against a superior opponent in terms of speed and strength, but we have something that they don't have. Meredith, are you familiar with it? It's called heart. It's what fuels all hope and in the end it's what fuels all football both literally and figuratively.

What's my next question, Meredith? Ooh. What type of vitamin bar is Lacey forced to eat? I may miss this one. Is it multiple choice? Oh thank God! It's multiple choice! Is it called... Wait. I'll try first before I know the multiple choice. Is it called a GoFast bar? OK. That's my guess then. GoFast bar. Yay! Barely! I almost missed one, guys! It took me a second 'cause that's not in the movie, you know. And, like, I had to live in the world of the movie for a while so I forget what's in the book. Oh boy, GoFast bars. They were an extremely important part of the plot of Paper Towns. I've always loved nutrition bars, but particularly at that point in my life. I put on 50 pounds in one year. I went from being very skinny to being, you know, sort of, like, appropriately weighted. I went from being underweight to being appropriately weighted largely with the help of nutrition bars which were supposed, I understand are supposed to be meal supplements but in my case were sort of, you know, sort of the first and third courses of every breakfast, lunch, and dinner I ate for a year.

Alright. So what is, what is the next question? What type of minivan does Q get for graduation? Hshh! Oh boy! I mean, I don't remember. What type... Is it a... Ah. I mean... Huh? Like Honda? What are the options? Oh God! Nooooooooooooo! No! No! No! Oh God. Sorry, what happened, Meredith? What's going on?

Is it a Honda? Let me tell you, let me tell you the truth. It is a Honda in the movie. I do not remember what it is in the book. It's not right. I missed a question on the hardest John Green quiz ever. God darn it. And I gave up a goal at the same time! This has been a terrible minute for me! I wanna go back in time and relive this minute. Is it Chrysler? It's not a Chrysler. What is it? A Ford Minivan!? Well that was, that was an interesting choice that I made. Alright. Alright, I'll tell you what, I'm rewriting Paper Towns and putting a Honda Minivan in there and that's the end of it. Alright. I wonder if Honda paid for that? Probably not. But maybe they donated the minivans. There was, like, six of them. I wanted to buy one actually on the last day of the shoot but Sarah told me that I could not buy a 13 year old minivan and then drive around town in it and be, like, "Look at me in the Paper Towns minivan everybody!" And I was like "I don't know, they seem quite reliable." But she was like "They have cloth seats. I hate cloth seats with children". That's true, children do puke on everything, so it's easier with the leather seats just to...

Ooh boy. This is.... We are getting pelted by France. This is, this is an anxious, strange, and overwhelming time. I don't know what to say. We're either gonna play the United States of Brazil in the final if we can get there. But Meredith, we need to think long and hard about what's going wrong with these, with this team. We've got Samuelsson exhausted, so that's one problem. But I mean, I really think we just, we need to go out there and score a goal. We need to lean on Jakobsson and Lotta Schelin which is the right amount of Schelin. We just need to go score a goal, we need to go score a goal, girls. OK? You understand?

It's a pretty straight forward half time talk. I want us to score a goal and not give any more up and then we'll see what happens in extra time. We can win this game in extra time but we've got to get there. That's nice. That is much less nice. But it opened up space there. It actually turned out to be pretty smart! Oh! Ah! I liked that shot, though. I liked that whole set up of just, you know, let's not try... Let's just keep possession oriented football. Like, let's not try to be the team that's... There. There. No! I was fouled! Oh, there's been an injustice.

Meredith, what's the next question. Judge Judy. What TV show is Hassan obsessed with? Judge Judy. That was a shout out to my real life friend Hassan who is obsessed with Judge Judy. But I also thought it was, like, a nice metaphor for, like, Hassan's, like, interest in fairness and, like, feeling, like, really kind of, like, personally offended when the world is not fair because that is sort of, like, the attraction of Judge Judy, I think, or part of it, that, like, she rights the wrongs.

Get there! Get there! For your country! Oh! Oh, that was frustrating, Meredith. Turn. To the middle please, yes. Shoot. You're strong enough! Oh! Dang it! Oh, this is tense times. Very, very tense times. Next question. Oh! It's in the goal! It's in the goal! It's in the goal! They listened to my half time talk! I said to score and Jakobsson was like "Oh, we're supposed to score"! And then sure enough, oh, she finds the hole and it's beautiful finish into the corner!

"Swede Caroline! Bum-bum-bum. Who'd believe we'd ever score?"

What a, what a... How do you say "Go Sweden"? Go Sverige! I'm never gonna learn that, I'm always gonna rely on Google Translate. Alright. What's the next question? Now I'm into it.

The game show Colin appeared on? I am going to need my multiple choices, please. Kids Say the Darndest Things, no. KrainalKidz, I think yes. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire: Kids, no. Smarty-Pants, I think no, although that is a Katherines reference. I think it's KranialKidz. Yay! I'm still in this one. I can't believe I missed one question about my own fricking books. Alright, what's next?

Peter Van Houten's daughter's name? Oh wow. Oh geez. I remember picking it for a particular reason and if I could remember the particular reason I could probably remember the name but I'm gonna need the mul-Anna! Anna. Incorrect! Yeah, I know! But isn't that, isn't... Didn't he name the girl after the girl? She isn't mentioned by name! Come on! That's unfair! That's cheating! Oh, wow. The reason that's cheating is because I'm pretty sure her name is Anna. I, well you could say I would know but if it's not in the book, it's not in the book. Books belong to their readers. Authors can't come in and add stuff to the text in retrospect just to get answers right on BuzzFeed quizzes, so fine. I've missed two questions.

Oh man, that's frustrating. Oh God. You know, you know what, Meredith? It would be ideal to just win this game instead of having to go to extra time and... That's what I'm screaming at the Swedish women on the sidelines. I'm screaming "We've gotta win the game! We've gotta win the game! Guys! Guys! Score! For your country! For Sverige!" Oh God. By the way, that's my, that's my panicked voice if you weren't familiar with it. Come on, come on, come on. No goals. No goals. Anything but a goal. Make her, make her, make her run wide! Get there! Yes! Get there! Yes! We pass it out of the back like Swedish women do. Yes. No! What just happened!? Did you see that!? Like, it was, I was magically pulled backwards because I was gonna be on the ball and a breakaway and the FIFA physics didn't like it.

Oh no, I overran, I over-corrected as I so often do. Oh France! France! I over-correct again! France! Oh, pass it out of the back. Go-go-go-go-go-go-go! Counter attack! Gegenpressing! Go! Go! Go! Go. I don't really know what Gegenpressing means. I think at this point that's clear. Go! Go-go-go-go-go! Go! Go! Get there! One time! Pass it. On your, on your... Why did you dribble the ball out of bounds! Sorry, that was an overreaction. Sorry, it's the World Cup semi-finals and I'm having trouble staying appropriately calm. Oh God. OK. Stay attacking, stay attacking. Focus. Stay attacking. Focus. Yes. Push them. Push them. That's Gegenpressing. Alright. Ah, gdgdgah. Yes. Go. See, you've still got people, we've still got people committed up top. Alright, alright. And go. Yes. Yes. Yes, you beat her, you beat her. Now cross it in to your friend and compatriot! Ohoh! We needed a stronger cross! Needed that to go to the back post.

Meredith, are there any other questions? What breakfast establishment in Let it Snow? Waffle House. The only breakfast establishment in Let it Snow so far as I know. Oh, I made a pun, I mean I made a, I made a rhyme. I didn't make a pun, I made a rhyme. I don't know the difference between them, really.

It's the 88th minute, Meredith. It's time to throw on the best of the best and the worst of the worst. Alright. Who do we have to bring in here? We have Diaz in right midfield, in exchange for Asllani. She's a step down in quality put a step up in pace. We've got Dahlkvist! Who's Dahlkvist coming on for? I don't know, I don't think it's time yet. I think maybe in extra time. I do think, though, that it's time to bring in Schough. You'll remember that she was very good to us last time. Jakobsson is tired and she's done her duty by scoring a goal. Or did she? I don't remember. Point being those are the two substitutions I'm making and I'm saving the third substitution for extra time if it comes. Alright. Jakobsson, you did great. You're a good person. I'm proud of you and I am grateful to you for your hard work. Same with Asllani. You guys are great. However, now I need Diaz and Schough to come up and just play fantastically. Look me in the eyes 22, look me in the eyes. I want you to be a winner. Today is the day to be a winner. Alright, let's do this thing.

Oh, that was really bad. That was really bad. That was really... They're really onto my pass it out of the back trick. Oh God. Oh God. Huh! OK. You know what, I'm not even mad. I'm not even mad. I'm focused. Not even mad, I'm focused. Ultra-attacking. All out attack, that's what we're doing. All out attack. Everybody, everybody... Nobody does an attack. Go. Stay, keep the ball in bounds. That's a foul! OK, great, perfect. That's what we needed. OK. Get the, bring the ball back. Bring the ball back. Focus, focus. Why!? Why not a better ball!?

Oh, it all comes to an end for the Swedish women. It's stunning, it's sickening. It happened all at once. I'm so sorry, Sweden. Some day, maybe next year, maybe next year we'll come back and try again. I feel, I'm just sick to my stomach. This is worse, far worse than not knowing the name of Peter Van Houten's daughter. This is just... Oh God. Oh, it's unbearable. I'm so sorry. I apologize to my friends, my family, the entire nation of... Meredith, how do I say "Go Sweden" again? The entire nation of Sverige. I'm so sorry. I... You trusted me to bring your nation to glory and all I brought it to was the semi-finals. Maybe next year. Best wishes.