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In which John reviews AFI's top movies of all time. And Sarah makes a surprise appearance! The Wimbly Womblys play Brentford.

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  Introduction


Hello and welcome to Hankgames without Hank! My name is John Green. I'm the manager of the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys, today taking on Brentford, once-mighty Brentford. Now they've got a guy with grey hair in their starting line up. Um, Brentford used to be one of the uh- I- and I think are again, sort of a... Hot team in world football, but um, here they are with a goal keeper named Button. Uh, taking on the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys.

You just saw Callum Kennedy's hideous, horrible, unforgivable hair. Meredith likes it. And uh, you also saw John Green's beautiful, beautiful ginger puff. Um, used to be John Bennet, but then he married John Green and he became John Green.

Today Meredith is going to tell me the top AFI movies of all time and I'm going to tell you what I thought of them, if i saw them, which I probably didn't.


Quick preface here, I like bad movies. Um and I know- it's a character flaw and I want to apologize to like proper film fans out there. Oh, these handshakes, they're so much better than they were in FIFA 13. Um, I want to apologize to proper film fans, including Meredith. As you can see there we're top of the league, we're top of the league, AFC Wimbledon, top of the league.

Um, but yeah, I mean you gotta say we are not favorites to go up this season, - it's our first season in league one, can we really achieve back-to-back promotions? It's looking good at the moment, but um, you know... We haven't- it hasn't been nearly as easy as last year. Um, so Meredith, I know you were a film major - I want to apologize to you in advance for all- the- my total ignorance when it comes to proper, good movies. 


When I met Josh Boone, the director of The Fault in Our Stars movie, he asked me what my favorite movie was and I said my favorite movie is Harvey which is I- I think is a justifiable choice although it's not really a filmy kind of film - it was a play before it was a movie, and then I said that my second favorite movie was Die Hard 4 and he was so horrified.

Now my second favorite movie isn't Die Hard 4, but it is one of my favorite movies. I think that it's an important film and certainly in American history, but also in world cinema. Um, you know, it really, it brought something new, uh, to- what, what is going on? That guy just dribbled for seventeen minutes.

Um, it brought something new to uh, to film that we hadn't seen before. It was, it was like Gravity, but instead of being sort of a special effects revolution it was a revolution, um , in the character, uh played by Bruce Willis whose name I forget because, you know, we all know that he's just Bruce Willis. Oh God, what are we doing against Brentford! Oh, for the love of everything holy!

 The top movie of all time


(2:18) Meredith what was the top movie of all time? Citizen Kane. I have seen that movie, and I think that it is good. Um, I don't know that it's the top movie of all time. For one thing, it- inexplicably it's filmed in black and white. Uh, for another thing, as far as I can tell, it had very few action sequences, and what action sequences there were felt a little- I mean, it just, I felt like there was a little bit lacking in the special effects.

That said, definitely a good movie, nicely written, um, nicely shot, all that stuff. Oh what a beautiful, penetrating, pass, AND IT'S FRANK- Francombstein. What in the actual eff?! Francombstein, Francombstein. I was all ready to  do the Monster Mash song, Francombstein. I guess he was on his weaker left foot.

 The 2nd best movie of all time


(3:01) Meredith, whats the second best movie of all time? The Godfather? Great movie, not as good as Harvey, but a great movie. The Godfather and The Godfather Part II if you kinda like, watch them as one movie, I've done that before on days when I'm sick or sad or whatever...

Two things I like to do on days when I'm sick or sad. I like to watch The Godfather and The Godfather Part II, and I like to watch the 2005 Champions League Final in which Liverpool came from three-nil down, uh, to beat Milan in what- probably, probably the greatest two and a half hours of football in human history.

Um... In- during- during the half-time, when we were three-nil down, um, in Istanbul, uh, against the greatest team in the world... We were- you know, Liverpool were overwhelming- overwhelming underdogs in that game, but then they were three-nil down, so you go from being overwhelming underdogs to being overwhelming underdogs who are losing three to nothing, which in soccer, as you guys know as Wimbly Wombly supporters, is basically a bajillion.

And um... During half-time, the- sorry, I know this was supposed to be about movies Meredith, I'll get back there. During half-time, the crowd sang You'll Never Walk Alone, which is the Liverpool anthem, um, so loud that uh, in the tunnel beneath the stadium, Rafa Benitez, our manager at the time, could not deliver his team talk. All they could hear was tens of thousands of people together collectively singing this song. Um, that, that Liverpool players and the club itself- that being part of that club meant that you'd never walk alone, and Steven Gerrard, our captain, still the cap- oh, my God.

What a gorgeous pass! Ohhhh! Is it my birthday?! Kiss the ground! Hells Pells! I mean, that goal is all about that pass from ya Bamba. That is one of the great passes of all time, of all- the whole- that looked like Liverpool football club right there. Anyway, Steven Gerrard scored a header to put us back, and within six minutes we scored three goals and then held on to that draw for another gajillion minutes.

Jerzy Dudek then, right before the penalty shoot out, Jamie Carragher, long-time Liverpool lad, came over to our keeper, Jerzy Dudek and said "remember Bruce Grobbelaar in the champions league final in like, the 70s or the 80s, he did that crazy legs thing where he loved his legs all around and scared the opposition?" and even though Jerzy Dudek was in the most important penalty shootout of his life and he'd never done that before in his career, he did it because he remembered the history of the club and he embodied the history of the club and we won the penalty shootout and it was the best! It was the best! And I can relive it whenever I want by watching it on DVD which is one of the greatest gifts that technology has ever given me.

 The 3rd best movie of all time


(5:53) And what is the third best movie of all time? Casablanca? For me, it's just okay. I liked it better when they watched it in When Harry Met Sally, than the actual movie.

Ooooooh! Bald John Green! That's- oh, he has a moustache! He's letting you know that he has a moustache. It's a very beautiful moustache. Ohhh, God- and then his husband hugs him and just takes him down to the ground. They're just two men who love each other, wrestling on the ground. It's beautiful to watch.

 The 4th best movie of all time


(6:20) What's the fourth best movie of all time? Raging Bull? Meredith, I have a confession to make. I've never seen Raging Bull, but I've heard it's great. I'm sorry, I- that's embarrassing.

 The 5th best movie of all time


(6:28) What's the fifth best movie? Singing in the Rain? Fifth best movie of all time? Of all time? Ahead of Die Hard 4?! And Die Hard 1, the movie that made Die Hard 4 possible?! Good lord! Singing in the- it's- it's a good movie, Singing in the Rain... I'd say it's like space balls quality. It's in the space balls category for me, you know... It's funny, it's sweet... It's got some good dancing in it! Fourth best movie of all time?! No. No. Where's Harvey?! How is Harvey not in the top ten?!

 The 6th best movie of all time


(7:05) Alright, go on. What's next? Gone with the Wind? Good movie. Um... Good movie, great- great book adaptation. My second favorite book adaptation of all time, behind To Kill a Mockingbird. Why is To Kill a Mockingbird behind Gone with the Wind? That seems unreasonable to me. I don't like this list at all. Harvey is 25th? To Kill a Mockingbird is 25th? Harvey's not on the list?! Harvey's not on the list? Oh, no one ever brought anything small into a bar.

 The 7th best movie of all time


(7:33) What's next? Lawrence of Arabia? Little long for me. Thought it- thought it- thought it could have been- thought that could have been an 80 minute movie. Instead they made it 9 hours long.

Oh, hey Sarah! You wanna be in today's episode of the Wimbly Womblys? We're reviewing- well, we're already dominating, but we're reviewing the best movies of all time, most of which I haven't seen, and surprisingly, none of which is Die Hard 4. (pause) I am surprised! I feel like you- I feel like when we watched Die Hard 4 together, you just weren't into it enough.

Um, I'm surprised that Singing in the Rain is considered the 4th best movie of all time! It's- it's alright! I think it's good- I mean, it's a good movie but like... No, number two is the Godfather. Uh, Citizen Kane of course. Oh, speaking of Citizen Kane! Rosebud! Oh, God. (laughing) I had that all set-up!

 The 8th best movie of all time


(8:27) What's next? Schindler's List? That's not even one of my top ten Steven Spielberg movies! You have a funny Schindler's List story? Well come tell it- come tell it- you gotta sit- you gotta be really close to the microphone. Hold on, I'll play while you tell your hilarious Schindler's List story.

Sarah: So, um...

John: Closer!

Sarah: I went- I went with my Grandmother, who has now passed, um... But we went to see it in the theater in Rochester in Minnesota, and it's a very serious film and we were sitting there and all of a sudden, my Grandmother passed gas very loudly and audibly (laughing) in the middle of the- in the middle of the film... And it took every- every inch of my being not to just completely lose it, and I was very- it was almost like a coming-of-age moment for me. (John laughs a surprised, high-pitched laugh) To... Um, to hold in the laughter... And I got through it! So, that's my story.

John: Congratulations! Um... Maybe that's- maybe that's why Schindler's List is considered the 8th best movie of all time, because it was so vital in my wife's emotional development! Um... I think it's a good movie- of course it's a good movie, but like... It's better than- it's better than Munich! I- I- I think ET is better than... Yeah, I think- I like ET more, I like, yeah, I don't know. It's a good movie. Not- not for me a top ten movie of all time. But a really good movie. Obviously like, the subject matter is extremely important, but that- for me is not the top ten.

 The 9th best movie of all time


(10:05) What- what else? What's next? What's next? What's next? Vertigo? Great movie! Really good. For me- like, I don't understand why that's not in the top five! For me, that's well ahead of Singing in the Rain. Yes! Yeah, Vertigo's a great movie. It's like a weird- it's great, yeah. Major movie. Important.

 The 10th movie of all time


(10:25) What's next? Wizard of Oz? Uh, for me it's just alright. Um... Yeah, sorry. It was just alright for me. I think it was a little- I think it's a little uh, I think it's like Rocky Horror Picture Show - it's an important movie because of the way that people responded to it, but I don't know. I watch it and then I'm just like "ergh, whatever." I don't know.

Lots- lots of people are upset about that! (laughing) I feel bad! I feel bad, not liking it more! But... I don't know, maybe... I think I've only seen it once or twice, and I was really scared of it, so maybe it's a personal bias coming out of my own- my own fear of tin men.

 The next few best movies of all time


(11:05) Um... What's next? Oh, well keep going! Presumably there are other movies. Oh, come on, Bald John Green! I haven't seen it. I haven't seen City Lights. I'm sorry, I know that makes me a terrible, terrible citizen of the United States. I've not seen City Lights. Wait till we get to the Little Dictator or whatever...

What is next? The Searchers? What- what is that? When did it come out? 1956? John- John Wayne western? No, it sounds like it might have been filmed in- might have been filmed in black and white... Which I just think- it's so anachronistic!

 Star Wars


(11:46) What's- what's next? Star Wars?! Top- top three for me! (laughing) I can't believe... I- yeah. My only issue with that, is that um... Uh, the Empire Strikes Back is so much better than Star Wars! Uh, yeah, the first Star Wars movie is good, but um, in the same way that the first Die Hard movie is good. It mostly- what it made possible was its excellent sequel! Um... In Die Hard's case, Die Hard 4, but in Star Wars' case, uh... Empire Strikes Back. Return of the Jedi for me... Not a good movie.

Um. The new ones (sighs heavily) - it's- (mumbles) -to me, it's a similar problem. There is a narrative problem that we have when we try to make movies about state-building or state-maintaining, um... It just doesn't seem to interest us as much as uh, as much as war and revolution. Um, which is a problem for humans, but like... On a story level, what makes Jar Jar Binks so unfathomably horrible to me is not his way of talking or his really- like, offensively uninteresting dialogue or anything like that...

What bothers me about it is that whole- this very, to me, simplistic attempt to like, reflect something about state-building. I just thought it was not good. Not good. Not- not- I'm just being honest. I liked the special effects. Look, nobody loves Star Wars more than me, but I just thought it was not good.

How was- how have we not had a Star Trek movie yet, and yet we've made it through like, the top twenty movies of all time, supposedly?!

Bald John Green, God he's strong! Oh, he's just a big, strong man! Almost made it.

 The end of the game


(13:30) What's next? Psycho? Great movie! Why isn't that also in the top ten?! What's next? 2001: A Space Odyssey? Never seen it. Never seen it. Sorry! I've heard it's long, and I heard- yeah, I mean... I bet it's gonna look- ooooooooooh! I thought it was girls just wanna have Fundingsrud. I was so excited, but it's Other John Green.

(sings) He's big, he's tough, he has a ginger puff... Other John Green, Other John Green! (talks) Great goal. Great goal! 90th minute for the Wimbly Womblys. Ooooh, we're gonna hold on, Meredith! We're gonna win this game.

We won three-nil, which is what Milan thought they would win by, when Liverpool came back, stunned the world, won the 2005 champions league trophy... Thank you for watching! Another victory for your Wimbly Womblys. Best wishes.