Wil Wheaton: Previously on Titansgrave: The Ashes Of Valkana

After Malroth Village was saved, a mysterious orb was received, and a new friend was made-Girlock, the Beer Baron. During a celebration at the Pegasus Roadhouse...

Hank: I'm going to go to the dance floor and I'm going to make a dexterity check for awesome.

W: The Beer Baron's robot, Keggy, had bad news.

Keggy: Whitehawks! Whitehawk bandits blocking the road!

Laura: The beer!

W: Our heroes saved the beer, and the Baron, from the Whitehawk bandits, and returned to the Pegasus for another round, on the house.

Narrator: Eons before Valkana bore her own name, she bore witness to beings not of this realm. These ancients planted the seeds of life on Valkana, and as that life grew, and civilizations formed, their thirst for supremacy blossomed into war. Gifted with an unmatched intellect, the Saurian empire built mighty war machines, and claimed dominion on Valkana, until the heavens themselves fell upon them.

Valkana was plunged into darkness and a thousand years of war. In this crucible, great heroes were forged, and together they extinguished the flames of battle. A new civilization was built on the ruins of the old, a peaceful world of magic and science, but the forces of chaos are patient and not easily contained.

Left to fester, ancient evils threatened to emerge and unleash mayhem upon the world. And so, to face them, new heroes must arise from the Ashes of Valkana.

W: You've returned yourselves to the Pegasus Roadhouse, where you have had a mighty celebration.  As the evening draws on, uh, you notice that the, the Baron- somethings gnawing at him.

Hank: Is it the fact that a bunch of his friends have just been murdered?

W: As a matter of fact, it is.

H: Oh!

L: Oh, dammit...

W: He tells you that the Pegagsus Roadhouse is his last stop on this year's deliveries, as it always is. Um, and he needs to get the carriage back to his estate in the suburbs of Nestora.  And his estate is called Brewcore.

Alison: Brewcore.

Yuri: Of course it is. Awesome.

H: Yeah that's a genre of music that I would like to be invented.

Y: Yes!

W: Haha, I'm a huge fan of Brewcore.  Who are some of the artists that work in the Brewcore genre?

Y: Hopps-along Cassidy

H: Hooooo! That is awful.

W: Well, well done.

Y: Thank you, thank you.

W: Speaking of all of that... he says to you, "I need to get the caravan back to Brewcore."  And he says to you that, you know, most of his guards were slain in that attack, and the road back to Nestora is not gonna be particularly friendly.

L: How much you gonna pay us?

A: Yeah.

Y: Oh snap.

W: Of course he'll pay you in, in gold, and he promises you a celebration...

Y: (Whispers) And beer

W: At Brewcore,

H: And beer

W: That will make every celebration you've seen before seem like but the frothy head on a keg of beer before the actual ale is delivered.

H: See he's promising us a sum of money but...

Y: I don't know, I can celebrate quite a bit.

L: And beer, gold and beer.

H: Gold and beer.  I feel like offering me a party in reward for the service of, of

Y: Putting our lives at risk

H: Yeah, putting our lives, it's a little like uh, offering an actor a raise by giving his character a promotion on the starship.

Everyone: Oh.

W: The Baron doesn't know what you're talking about, but I do. The Baron is confused, and he says, "Well, as you can see, a great deal of damage has been done to my caravan and it will be costly to repair it, and, um...

H: I can repair things, by the way, if you'd just like to hire me to do that as well. We're a little hard up for cash sir.

W: Perhaps I could offer you five gold each for taking this journey with me.

H: Sir we could make more sticking around here and picking pockets.

A: I'm pretty good at that. I mean... no, I'm not.

L: I mean, we like you Baron

Y: I mean, I'm not a criminal!

L: You're beer is delicious, but we gots to pay our bills.

W: The Baron genuinely likes you guys.  So what the Baron does, is the Baron sort of sways the crowd.

H: Oh, that's a good call.

W: And the Baron says, "My friends, this may be my last delivery." And this gasp goes through the crowd, they're so sad.

H: Fine! Fine!

Y: We'll do it!

A: Five gold and a party!

Y: It's our last offer.

W: Five gold and a party.

L: Oh wait, can I make one more request?

W: Yes.

L: Can I mount this bandit skull to the front of your caravan?

W: I'll help you do it myself.

A: Yes.

Y: Yaaay!

H: The skull is still on your arm.

L: It's still on my arm.

H: We've been here for like two and a half hours, like-

Y: Drinking...

H: Drinking, it's just like

A: Whatever.

H: It's stuck!

W: All right, you accept, the crowd cheers you again,

L: All right.

W: And the Baron says to you, "I am truly grateful." And he's sincere. So he says, uh, "We will set out first thing in the morning, does that all sound amenable to you?"

A: Yes.

L: Dandy.

Y: That sounds damn amenable.

W: All right. So, you head off, you head off down the road toward Nestora. It's a bright, sunny day. The road is quiet, there's a light breeze.

Everyone: Oh.

W: The Baron doesn't know what you're talking about, but I do. The Baron is confused, and he says, "Well, as you can see, a great deal of damage has been done to my caravan and it will be costly to repair it, and, um...

H: I can repair things, by the way, if you'd just like to hire me to do that as well. We're a little hard up for cash sir.

W: Perhaps I could offer you five gold each for taking this journey with me.

H: Sir we could make more sticking around here and picking pockets.

A: I'm pretty good at that. I mean... no, I'm not.

L: I mean, we like you Baron

Y: I mean, I'm not a criminal!

L: You're beer is delicious, but we gots to pay our bills.

W: The Baron genuinely likes you guys.  So what the Baron does, is the Baron sort of sways the crowd.

H: Oh, that's a good call.

W: And the Baron says, "My friends, this may be my last delivery." And this gasp goes through the crowd, they're so sad.

H: Fine! Fine!

Y: We'll do it!

A: Five gold and a party!

Y: It's our last offer.

W: Five gold and a party.

L: Oh wait, can I make one more request?

W: Yes.

L: Can I mount this bandit skull to the front of your caravan?

W: I'll help you do it myself.

A: Yes.

Y: Yaaay!

H: The skull is still on your arm.

L: It's still on my arm.

H: We've been here for like two and a half hours, like-

Y: Drinking...

H: Drinking, it's just like

A: Whatever.

H: It's stuck!

W: All right, you accept, the crowd cheers you again,

L: All right.

W: And the Baron says to you, "I am truly grateful." And he's sincere. So he says, uh, "We will set out first thing in the morning, does that all sound amenable to you?"

A: Yes.

L: Dandy.

Y: That sounds damn amenable.

W: All right. So, you head off, you head off down the road toward Nestora. It's a bright, sunny day. The road is quiet, there's a light breeze.

Y: "How much is the toll?" I ask.

A: Yeah

W:" How much you got?"

Y: Oh, see that's-

H: That's not double toll, that's how much we've got.

Y: That's not the right answer, that's not fair.

A: While this conversation is happening...

H: Good call.

A: I try to sneak into the little tollbooth.

W: uh, huh

A:And I'll just steal our toll.

W: Go 'head and make yourself a stealth roll.

A: All right.

W: And tell me what your stealth is.

Y: Yeah you did.

A: Okay, 18.

H: Oh!

W: Well, he can't see you.

L: Sweet!

A: Aw, nice.

Y: Do we have any beer left or did we leave it all at, uh

W: You got beer left.

Y: Would he take some beer, and...

W: "Holsik likes beer. Holsik can't afford it."

L: I'm feeling really guilty here, man.

W: "Yeah well you should."

Y: See you know that- what makes your troubles go away

L: Beer!

Y: Beer that you can't afford.

W: All right make a, go ahead make a communication, uh- You can use, uh- this is definitely gonna be persuasion. Make a skill test there.

L: Hey! Hey!

Y: A 13 plus- 15. Not bad. I think by trying to downplay the fact that she wrecked his shop

L: Hehe hehe. Oh, it's so funny.

Y: Right. We can fight about things that have happened in the past.

W: "Okay."

Y: But think about what you're- Oh no! I mean, that's not an option! Or we can look at it as an experience that we've all shared and, hey, isn't your life really better now?

L: Now that you can get drunk on this free beer?

Y: Yeah.

W: (manically laughs) No!

Y: Shit!

H,A,&L: Awww.

H: He had a good roll?

W: I'll taste your beer.

L: Yeeeaaah.

Y: All right.

W: He, uh, turns around and head over to his little tollbooth.

A: Oh, guys!

H: We have a cup for ya right here!

L: NO, we have a cup!

W: To get his cup...

L: We have a cup! Oh look, Holsik, we have a cup for you!

W: Uh

L: I already poured it, in this cup right here.

Y: Right here.

W: All right, so go ahead and make yourself another communication roll.

L: 14.

W: What he hears is, uh, we'll pour it for you in a cup of gold.

H: He misheard you?

W: So he turns around, and comes back and he's like, (nods)

L: Oh!

W: "All right."

L: Okay. Here you go.

W: All right so he grabs it and takes a, takes a, takes a good, hearty, hearty swig of it. (takes a drink)

H: It's the good stuff right?

Y: Like that? Just like that?

W: And the dwarf, Holsik, says uh, "I'll take a keg."  And the beer baron unhooks a thing and rolls it off, and uh, and gives it to him. And Holsik turns around, and he punches some things. Make another stealth roll.

H: (?) make me nervous.

A: 15.

W: 13, uh 15 is enough. I got super stealth bonuses.

W: So he turns around, doesn't see you at all, and just grabs that mug. And he hits a couple of buttons and the gate arm goes up.

L: Sweet!

H: Have you found any cash yet?

A: Have I found any cash yet?

W: There's a little box.

L: Oooh.

W: A little box that, uh that looks like a lock box.

L: We're just ruining this guy.

Y: I know, it's like when we're no ruining his business, we're...

W: Inside this lock box is, uh, a piece of tape, and a dead bird.

L: Oh, he's got no money...

A: I'll take it!

L: Aw. man!

W: All right, so he uh, he waves you through, and as he goes by, he looks at you (Laura) with his one eye and he says, "This ain't over."

L: Hey wait, what was that thing I wrecked?

(character history)

W: One of the relics that you smashed was like a religious significance to someone.

(Back to game)

L: Okay.

H: Like, as an apology, apologize.

L: Apologectically, what was that thing I wrecked?

H: That's not quite what I meant.

W: "It was me heart and dreams, pinkie."

L: I don't know what to do.

Y: Well, at least you still got that dead bird and that piece of tape!  And then we all (?)

H: Like, run as fast as we can.

W: So the day goes on, and you sort of reach the uh, this road continues to go up, and it gets really, really windy.  And the wind is like whipping up and it's threatening to knock some of the kegs off.

W: So one of you, whoever's the strongest, should probably go make a strength test, uh, with a might focus if anyone has it to try and stop those kegs from falling off.

L: So I guess I'll do it. Okay. What do I, I just go ohhoooh.

H: Ooh.

L: Oh no nn no no, Okay. 9, 10, 11, 12?

W: Okay, you grab hold of it, and you're just too little.

L: Noooo.

W: Yeah. And then six kegs go

L: Six kegs!

Y: Noooo!

W: And they go bouncing off and they roll off.

H: We could have given that to the dwarf, he would have been so happy!

A: Ugh.

W: You could have, that's right. That uh, the bird smells really, really bad.

A: The bird you guys.

H: How's the tape smell?

W: Like dead bird.

A: They've been living in that box together for a long time.

W: So you arrive at Brewcore. The baron says, "Thank you for getting us through without there being any troubles with Holsik the dwarf."

H: Wait the party.

Y: Party and five gold.

W: "And I'm gonna give you five gold and a party."

A & H: Five gold and a party!

L: Five gold each.

W: So, does someone have a historical lore?

Y: I have historical lore. And research.

W: Go ahead and make a historical lore test.

Y: 17.

A: 17.

W: So, you know this place is, is ancient. Very important people have lived here throughout history, and this was an, actually like an old Sarian governer's mansion. And he was a brutal Sarian, guy.

L: Bad guy.

W: He was, he was, yeah. He was a bad guy. The baron doesn't know any of this. The baron just knows that this is a big nifty house that he loves.

Y: Mhm, right.

W: He introduces you to his, uh, sort of like steward of the house. Her name is Lassata.

A: Lassata.

W: She is, Lassata is-

Y: (?)

W: Lassata is a very stern, old Sarian woman with a cybernetic eye.

W (cont.): She looks at you and she's like, "Ah, Morn's friends."

H: We don't-- we don't know him that well, honestly.

W: Yeah. He takes you into his personal tap room and he says, "I beg of you, help yourselves to the finest beers in the manor."

H: We are gonna get--

L: Best beer!

A: Party!

Y: (?)

H: --crunked.

W: As he leads you to this room, okay, he points out an artifact to you. It's on a pedestal. What is it?

L: It's shaped kind of like a jar. There's a lid to it. I don't know what's inside of it but it's a purple color and there are like these weird flower-y sort of engravings on it.

W: Mhm.

Y: It's a Six-Demon Jar.

L: What? You know what it is?

Y: Well, we do now.

H: Maybe you should've made it like a Two-Demon Jar, just for safety.

All: (laugh)

W: And he says, "It's protected by a magical containment field,--"

L: Oh good.

W: "--do not worry."

Y: Okay.

W: Then he walks you down a hallway. There's a tapestry on the wall. What's on that tapestry?

Y: It shows the people who sort of overthrew that Saurian overlord lived there, and so there's a tapestry of, that shows the great battle.

W: And what's beautiful about that is it is Orcs and humans and other Saurians and dwarfs and elves all rising up.

Y: Yeah.

W: When you walk in you see a keg of ale that you never thought you would ever see. You've heard about it, you cannot believe that this is actually here. And what's that keg called?

A: It's the.. the..

H: Grandma's Sweat.

A: Stout.

L: (laughs)

A: Sweat Stout.

H: Grandma's Sweat Stout.

W: Grandma's Sweat Stout, yeah.

L: Yum.

A: Yeah.

W: The baron sees you guys eyeing the Grandma's Sweat Stout and he says, "Ah yes, my new friends, the legends are true," and he pulls out the special Grandma's Sweat Stout glasses and he pours you each one of these mugs of Grandma's Sweat Stout... and I would like you all to make a constitution drinking test.

L: Ah man.

A: Oh boy.

W: Let's see how you handle the party.

L: Is it really, like, a drinking focus?

H: 11.

W: Uh huh. How are you doing?

Y: 6.

H: Wow, you're terrible at this.

Y: Such a lightweight.

L: I'm at 10.

W: As it turns out, you guys are wrecked.

A: Yes.

W: You are drunk like freshmen.

H: Yeah, thanks for my 5 gold and my party.

Y: I've never been so happy to cock up a roll, as I have (?)

W: You have never been so loaded in your life.

L: (groans)

W: And as the evening unfolds, the baron comes up to you drunkards and he says--

A: (drunkenly) I'm wasted.

All: (laugh)

A: (drunkenly) What's it like being tall?

All: (laugh)

W: The baron thinks that's amazing, like the baron loves that. But honestly, Lassata's being kind of a (-bleeped-) about everything, so--

A: What is up that woman's ass?

W: --so you decide to either deliberately offend her, or play a practical joke on her.

A (simultaneously): I will play a practical joke on that woman.

L (simultaneously): Practical joke!

W: Yeah, I thought you might.

A: Every day.

L: (?) drunken joke.

W: Yeah, I thought you might choose to do that. Does it involve a bird and some tape?

Y: You KNOW it does!

A: Aw that's exactly why I stole it!

All: (laugh)

Y: I knew this was gonna happen!

A: You guys all judged me. I knew. And I sneak up behind her.

W: Yeah.

L: (whispered) (?)

A: And I tape the bird--

Y: (shushing sounds) (whispered) Be quiet! Don't mess it... don't mess up..

A: (whispered) I tape the bird to her butt! And then we call her Bird Butt!

Y: Kiliel, that is the funniest thing I have ever seen.

W: Okay, having successfully done this, the baron says... he sort of toasts you guys during dinner...

H: We smell the bird?

W: Yes, a little. You can smell the bird. Yeah and the baron actually looks over at Lassata and he says, "Lassata, are you feeling unwell?"

All: (laugh)

W: And Lassata says, "I'm feeling fine, unlike some people here."

A: I feel awesome, Lassata. I don't know what you're talkin' about.

W: You have an amazing, amazing evening. Lassata never finds out. As she escorts you, each one of you, to your bedrooms--

Y: Giggling and snickering.

W: --she says to you, "Perhaps you should wash, because you stink like a dead bird."

All: (laugh)

A: Bird Butt!

Y: And I say, "The one who smelt it dealt it."

W: And you sleep the sleep of the very drunk.

A: (snores)

W: Morning comes, you feel as if the caravan itself has rolled entirely over your heads, and you come down for breakfast and the baron welcomes you to breakfast. And he-- and the baron looks great, and he actually passes around these little elixirs and he says, "You all look like you could use a little bit of the old baron's Kick It Up."

A: Yes.

L: I immediately down it.

W: Great, your hangover is gone.

L: Sweet!

H: (?)

W: So as you are eating breakfast, you smell Lassata before she enters the room.

H: She's still got bird butt?

W: She's still got bird butt.

L: Oh man, she did not shower this morning.

H: She didn't change her clothes?

A: (?) change?

W: Listen, maybe don't judge what cybernetic Saurians choose to do with their evenings.

H: (gasping laugh)

W: And she has with her a middle-aged dwarf.

H: Uh oh.

A: Dad?

All: (laugh)

W: The dwarf is a middle-aged woman...

A: Oh that's not...

W: ...who's not your dad, but she's in bad shape. She's got a lot of blood on her. You can tell by looking at her that not all that blood is her, and she says, "Baron, there are intruders in the brewery. Small, swift, lots of teeth..."

H: Dachshunds? Are they dachshunds?

W: They're not, they're not dachshunds.

L: Long-haired dachshunds.

W: She says, "There are workers trapped in the brew house."

L: (whispered) What?

W: And the Beer Baron says, "My friends, the brew house is all I have and my best guards were killed in the caravan attack. Will you help me once again?"

H: Five gold.

A: Five gold and a party!

W: The Baron says, "I will give you five gold and party."

H: Another party. Can I get some more of that Grandma's Sweat?

W: And another party, and he turns to you and he says, "Plus, two travelling growlers of Grandma's Sweat Stout."

W: How much could I pawn those for, is my first question.

Y: Gear up, let's go!

L: Let's do it!

W: You agree to the task?

All: Yeah.

W: So you head down toward the brew house.

H: Are we singing a jaunty hiking song?

A: No, we're screaming--

Y: (sing-song) Five gold and a party!

H and Y: Five gold and a party!

W: You make your way down to the brew house. Now this is a massive operation. There are silos with grains and huge freezers full of hops. And you can see that it is sort of put together with this wonderful mix of magic and technology, much like Valkana herself. Keggy rushes up to this mosaic along one wall that sort of looks like a combination of monitors and readouts, and he looks at it and he says, "Fermentation vat is operating within normal parameters. Mill 4 is in trouble. The ventilation systems in Mill 4 are offline."

L: They must've come in through the vents.

W: I would like you to make a perception tracking test.

H: Oh wow.

A: Oh gosh, that was terrible Alison.

L: 9

Y: Um, uh... 14.

A: 10

H: Uh, just awful.

L: (?)

W: All right so, you see that there is a trail of blood that is both dwarven and something else that leads down a passageway, and from there you can hear a hissing and some sort of guttural strange sounds.

Y: Can we see them or is it too dark down that passageway?

W: You know it's well-lit all the way down and then what you see is sort of a haze around a doorway, and above the doorway it says Mill 4.

Y: You guys we gotta (?)

H: So we think that they're all down there, they're not in like multiple places?

Y: I think they might be concentrated in Mill 4.

A: Yeah.

L: (?)

H: I leave Jeremy here to scout upstairs though.

W: You get to this doorway and as you get to the doorway, what you see are these giant grain mill units. Three of the four are, you can see that they're operating normally. The fourth one has been just torn open and there are a bunch of things kind of on the bottom. There's a couple of workers that are up at that gash and they're trying to sort of close that gash up. And you see that there are a number of corpses. There are these claw and bite marks all over them, and one of them is very badly charred.

L: Oh no.

W: You're in the front what would you like to do?

L: I guess I just run in 'cause I'm best hand-to-hand anyway, so I'm gonna run in and try to jump in front of the mill that's got... that the people are trying to fix.

W: Everybody go ahead please and roll initiative. So, here's what happens.