John: Okay, so we're having an office hot dog-eating contest.
Rule #1: Contests last 4 minutes.
(2) You must eat both hot dog and buns.
(3) If you have a reversal of fortune -- that is, if you throw up DURING the contest -- you are disqualified.
(4) No interfering with other competitors, and
(5) You cannot give any food to our office dog, Alex.

(Contest Logo)

John: Hi, I'm John Green. I'm the host of "Mental Floss" and "Crash Course." I'm also a Vlogbrother.

Meredith: I'm Meredith, I'm the script supervisor and writer on "Mental Floss" and I'm the script supervisor of "Crash Course."

Mark: Hi, my name's Mark Olsen and I am the editor, director, and villain on "Menopause"--"Mental Floss" for YouTube.

Danica: I'm Danica Johnson.  I'm the associate producer on "Crash Course" and the art director on "Mental Floss."

Stan: Hi, I'm Stan Muller and I produce "Crash Course: Humanities" and also do some work on "Mental Floss" once in a while.

Alex: (spins adorably in chair)

(Contest Logo)

John: I'm not super confident about victory.  I'm technically on paternity leave right now so I just haven't been on my game generally.  I didn't sleep a lot last night, but I'm gonna give it my best.

Meredith: Is there a percentage higher than a hundred?  That is how confident I am.

Mark: My confidence level's pretty low.  Um, I'm aiming for second to last place, so I'm not the loser, but I know that I'm not gonna beat Meredith or Stan...I can--I can beat John.

Danica: My confidence level is incredibly strong.

Stan: My confidence level generally in competitive eating is fairly low, but uh, given the quality of the competition HERE, it's pretty high.

(Contest Logo)

John: My strategy is pretty simple. I know realistically, I am not going to place first in this hot dog-eating contest.  However, the people ahead of me might have a reversal of fortune, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to calmly enjoy some hot dogs and hope for the best. And by "the best," I mean vomiting.

Meredith: Number one most important strategy--I think--is making sure that none of my ex-boyfriends EVER see this video.  Secondly, I believe I can take down John Green--pretty confident about that.  It's really all about keeping pace with Stan and Mark.

Mark: I think the biggest shocker about today is that I needed a strategy.  I was just...planning on...eating them.

Danica: My strategy is simple: slow and steady, and watch these suckers drop.

Stan: My strategy is mainly to rely on the fact that I have, uh, consumed more calories in my life than any other competitor here at "Crash Course."  I also have a little bit of history of competitive eating.  In high school, I participated in a pie-eating contest or two and...won. Mainly relying on my other strategy, which is cheating. (laughs from off-camera) You could turn the pie pan inside-out and all the food would fall out. If I see someone getting ahead of me, I'll do anything to win.

(Contest Logo)

John: We are playing for The Crusher, the Wesley Crusher, um, from the Mental Floss set, for the next year. Whoever wins the hot dog-eating contest will be the proud owner of The Wesley.

Stan: On your marks, get set, GO!

Stan: ohmmm

John: Mhmmm

Meredith: (laughs)

Mark: mmmhmmm... in my mouth.

John (to Danica): I love how you brought a fork and knife.

Meredith: These are cold too.

John: Mhhhmmm

Stan: ohhomm... they really stick to the roof of your mouth.

(Everyone laughs.)

Stan: These whole wheat buns were a mistake.

(+1 Mark)

Meredith: Where's the beer.

John: It's very sticky.

(+1 Stan)

Laughter.

Danica (to John): How's it going, boss?

John: Good... mmm... (swallows) I did one...

(+1 John)

Meredith: (laughs)

Stan: This is my second.

John (to Mark): And you?

Danica: Ohhh

Meredith: This is the hardest thing I've ever done.

John: Mhhhhh, ever?

Meredith: (laughs) I've had an easy life.

John: 2:45 left... Danica's just counting on everyone reversal-ing.

(+1 Mark, +1 Stan)

Danica: I'm pacing this meal out... if nothing else.

Stan: (mumbles)

Meredith: (laughs)

Mark: This whole wheat was a mistake.

Stan nods.

Meredith: Not even kidding. I mean, you guys have an advantage 'cause you're--

John (to Meredith): Is that one?

Meredith: Yeah.

John: Oh my God, you're done, you're finished.

Meredith: You're even more jealous.

(+1 Meredith)

Meredith: How many is that?

John: This is my third.

Stan: Mm-yeah

(+1 John)

John: Mmmhm, mmmhmm, I overstuffed. 

Stan: Mhmm, liquid, liquid.

Meredith and Danica laugh.

Stan (to Mark): Is that four?

John: Four?!

Mark nods.

Meredith: (laughs)

(+1 Stan)

Danica: I knew it.

John: That's your fourth hot dog?

Danica: I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

John: Aw man, I don't know what to do. I'm panicking.

Meredith: Eat it!

John: Canadians!

Meredith: Canadians can't win -- 4th of July!

Stan: (laughs)

John: This is like when Kobayashi took over the real hot dog-eating contest.

Danica: Slim Shady.

John: 90 seconds left... uph! I thought he was going to do it.

Meredith: (laughs)

Mark: It's getting hot in here guys... We'll have to take the afternoon off.

Laughter.

John: I mean realistically...

Mark: Mental Floss is now a... 

John: Mmmhm, mmhm... I gotta slow down. I've got to slow down for my health. I got a daughter to take care of.

Stan: (laughs)

Meredith: That's what this is about, health?

(+1 Stan)

Danica (to Stan): How you doing? How you doing down there, Stan?

John: Stan just ate half a hot dog.

Danica: It's a-- (shakes head)

Meredith: I'm feeling so much shame right now, I can't even bear it.

John: Hush, eat your hot dog! I thought you wanted to win. Winners don't feel shame.

Meredith: (laughs)

Stan: Quiet!

(+1 Mark)

John: Mark, how did you do that? Guys, twenty seconds, go.

(+1 John)

Meredith: I can't breathe.

(+1 Meredith)

(Music building, Danica starts throwing her hot dogs on the floor, John and Meredith are laughing)

John: I can't do it anymore... Oh man... mmhmm.

(+1 Stan)

--BUZZER--

Danica: Done!

(Logo)

John: Let's start with Stan. 

Stan: Okay. Five down.

John: Fully five?

Stan: Yeah, I started with seven.

John: Did you come from behind suddenly at the end? 'Cause Mark was like...

Stan: You've got to have more than one bite.

Mark: I dunno. I only had six on my plate.

Stan: Yeah, okay. 

Mark: So you...

Stan: Yeah.

Meredith: I still kinda hungry (starts eating again)

Everyone laughs.

John (to Meredith): You ate three and a half hot dogs... Four and a half? Two and a half hot dog-- TWO AND A HALF?! Aw man, you talk a big game. Oh how the mighty have fallen... Danica cheated. I ate three... four? I don't feel well... I think I only ate three and a half. That's fine 'cause I think I started with six. I do not feel good. That is not a good feeling right now... Mark ate...

Mark: Almost five.

John: Almost five. (To Stan) Now are you confidant that you finished your fifth before the time went off?

Mark: I think I want a dog.

Stan: Mmmm...

Meredith (to Mark): Pun!

John: It was close. We're going to have to go to the video tape evidence before we declare a winner of The Crusher.

(Contest Logo)

John: Having reviewed the video tape it is now my honor and my privilege to award the first annual Crusher to Crash Course producer and director Stan Muller!

Stan: You weren't worth it, Wheaton.

Laughter.

(Fireworks and celebratory music)