Hello and welcome to Hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green. Today the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys are taking on Chesterfield, which is both a cigarette company and, apparently, a football club. That joke, um, comes to you exclusively for our 85-year-old and older viewers who remember when Chesterfields was a cigarette company.

Okay! Today we're taking on Chesterfield, and I am going to make some introductions. I'm gonna introduce you to the rules of this game that we are playing- football, or as Americans call it, soccer. Um, and I'm also introduce you to some of the players, and uh, and I'm gonna introduce you to the nature of our relationship with the actual AFC Wimbledon The relationship between the fictional team that you are watching right now.

But again, you know, what's fictional can still be real- WHO'S TOP OF THE TABLE? We're top of the table! [singing] ♫ We're top of the League, we're top of the Lee-ee-ee-eague, AFC Wimbledon, we're top of the League. ♫ Um... right, but just because it's fictional doesn't mean it's not- it doesn't mean it isn't real. That's a double negative. It's real. That's what I'm saying.

Um, so, I guess, like, let me- I know that there are a lot of new viewers, um, here today, thank you for joining in this crazy project with us, thanks for being part of it. Uh, today by the way we're starting, um, John Green and John Green up front, teammates in life and in love. Behind them, uh, in central midfield, we have S. Moore, or as we like to call him, "Some Moore". And um, and then in, you know, and then we've got the rest of the boys playing. We're still getting to know the players a little bit.

So, um, there are a lot of new viewers, many of whom are new to the sport of football, um, or soccer as Americans call it. Um, so I thought I'd give you a basic overview of the rules. The goal of soccer is to score more points, uh, more goals than your opponent. Um, ideally, they score none and you score lots and lots of them. That is, that is the idea. Um, and then if you win all of the games, then you win the League. And if you win the League, you get to go, uh, up to the next League, which in the case of AFC Wimbledon would be League One. Oh! get there get there get there get there, oh it was messy passing! Pass to Bald John Green, it's beautiful! It's a beautiful finish! Ohhh, get up Bald John Green, that's frustrating.

And then a wild- oh, a wild shot! Then ohhh-h-h-h-h- was almost the greatest goal in Swindon history. I mean, Wimbledon history. Every time I do that I have to pay an extra dollar in sponsorship to AFC Wimbledon. Um, so every time you hear me use the word "Swindon", remind me that I owe AFC Wimbledon a dollar.

Alright, um, so you wanna score more goals than your opponent, um, and that's basically it. There are no other rules. Um, except I guess the most confusing rule in soccer is the offside rule, so I will try to explain that. Um, you, if you are an attacker, like Chesterfield currently is, you cannot have a player who is beyond the last defender unless that player is behind the ball. So, I know this is very confusing, but in practice it's very easy. Basically you're not allowed to cherry-pick. So I can't- here, I'll try to show you, if I, if I can go ahead and not give up a goal here that would be fantastic!

Alright, so I'll try to show you what I'm talking about if I can- oh, yes, we're passing outta the back, as we like to do. Um... so, right now, I can pass to him because there are defenders behind him, but if there weren't defenders behind him it would be illegal to pass to him- what a beautiful move. Do you see your husband making a beautiful run, do you see him, do you see him, do you see him?

YOU SAW HIM! AND HE SCORED! OHHH! And he did the robot. And he did the robot! [singing] ♫ He's biiig... â™« I forgot the words. It's been so long since I sang a song about Bald John Green, because he left for Barcelona. Um... Um, oh: [singing] ♫ He's big, he's brash, he has a brilliant 'stache, Bald John Green, Bald John Green. ♫ I don't know, we might need a better song for Bald John Green, guys.

So, um, that is essentially the offside rule. It's basically to prevent, um, cherry-picking. It's to prevent you just sitting, uh, putting one of your attackers, like, right next to the goal and then just trying to pass to him all the time because it would be a much less interesting game. Um, the... I mean, the only other rules are that, like, you can't, uh, you can't knock people over. Um, you know, you can't tackle people from behind-- I'll show you how that works right now. This kinda tackle; that was illegal. Or it would've been illegal if I'd made contact with the player, as I tried to, but instead I failed.

Oh man, that was such a great goal and oh my gosh, look at this! Look at this! Pass to your husband! Ohh, he's a finisher! OHHH, it's a beauty and look at those two men who love each other dancing around on the ground like children, it's so lovely! Oh, what a great finish. And I unlocked some kind of achievement. As I like to do. This is just a great run. I mean, we are just ripping Chesterfield wide open.

Um... so I don't know, if you have specific questions you can ask them in comments, about the rules of the game, but it's a pretty straightforward game. Um, you want to, you know- yeah, you just wanna score. Um. Uh, the only other thing that is a little bit confusing is the way that, um, the other competitions work. So, in a season, you're simultaneously, in most cases anyway, playing more than one competition. So right now we're in League Two, that's our League, um, and we're gonna play all of our League Two games and hopefully we're gonna win League Two. We're certainly doing a good job of that so far.

And then if we do win League Two, uh, we'll get to go play in League One. But there are other competitions that we're participating in at the same time. So for instance, right now we are also participating in what's called the Capital One Cup, which is a, uh, knockout competition in which you either win or, um, or you go home, basically. Um, and then the winner of that wins a beautiful trophy and also some money, which we sorely need because we are- ah, see I was offside there, now we're gonna get a good glimpse of the offside rule. See, he's beyond, he's beyond the last defender when the ball is passed to him, ergo, he is offside.

Okay. Um... so that's the, um- yes. So that is really the only quote-unquote "complicated" rule in football, but I don't think it's that complicated actually. Um, I mean, there's a bunch of other stuff, like if you get fouled inside the penalty box, then you are awarded what's called a penalty kick, which is a very nice thing to get because it's, you know, a relatively high scoring opportunity-
WILL HE GET HIS HAT TRICK? HE WILL! HE WILL! OH, do the robot again! Oh, it's so beautiful. The pass from Less Is Moore. Oh, I love it, I love it. This is, it's 3 - nil, and we're still in the first half. This is AFC Wimbledon football, ladies and gentlemen. This is how we get it done. We've just had some great finishing.

Um... so, um... yeah, so now I'm gonna talk- I guess those are the major rules of the game. Right? I can't think of anything that I'm missing. So, um, you wanna win those competitions because they give you money but also because you are playing, um, not just for money, and not really for money, you're playing for glory. Um, you know, that's why you play the game, that's why you're involved. That's just such an incredibly ugly Mohawk that it was difficult for me to pay attention and continue talking to you guys.

Um- oh, let's watch some first-half highlights together. So, I think- this almost fell, that almost went in, remember? 'Cause the goalie was just out of position. Um, so, I- yeah, the- I mean, this raises the question, like, what is the point of football? Um, and I think ultimately the point of football is that it's a, like, a community-building activity. But also you seek these great moments of glory and, uh, the real-life Wimbledon FC, um, before they were, uh... you know, moved, um, won the FA Cup in one of, like, the greatest upsets in the history of the game.

And, like, that was good for the team financially, but it was really wonderful because it was just an astonishing, beautiful win. And that's what we're trying to put together here, at, uh, at the Wimbly Womblys, is the kind of team that you can root for and get excited about, and be proud of, when they have these, uh, these wonderful victories.

Um, so, now I wanna introduce you to, uh, the nature of our relationship with the actual AFC Wimbledon. Uh, because it's funny and weird. We, um, we are sponsors of the real-life, actual League Two football club, um, AFC Wimbledon, um, which plays their games in, um, in a stadium. Right now, a stadium in Kingston, I think? It's called- OH NO! Oh, everything worked out better than expected- off the post. Um, and we, um, we haven't worked out the exact nature of the sponsorship yet, but hopefully, I think we are going to be sponsoring their entire, uh, youth academy.

So, professional football teams, um, have youth academies that they are, um, affiliated- like, and so those youth teams are affiliated with the professional club, and in the case of AFC Wimbledon, because it's a team owned and run entirely by its fans- they're gonna say that was a foul. If it's- that's a dirty lie, it was a beautiful leg hug. Um, in the case of AFC Wimbledon, that academy is very important to them and something that they're really just starting to build, you know, build back up after the club was, uh, was disbanded in 2002. So it's really exciting to us, the prospect of being able to be their, um, be the lead sponsor for their youth academy.

And, uh, but we will also, you know, in that, in that, you know, it allows us to kind of, uh, stick within the values of Nerdfighteria. Like, we get to help, uh, kids, basically, we get to help young people, uh, and work closely with them as they're, um, you know, developing skills in football and also hopefully in life, and um, you know, and support, like- yeah, support kids playing the game and stuff. Um, instead of just, you know, professionals. Um, but also then we will get, we will have, like, advertising around the ground and stuff, um, so that when you go to actual Wimbledon games at the actual AFC Wimbledon- um, which you should do. Um, you should totally do that, that would make me so happy. Send me pictures. Um, you'll see our advertisements and stuff.

That's gonna take a while to build up, um, just because we've gotta, you know, we've gotta work out the designs and various other things- many great passes! And then Bald John Green, he's just stronger and faster than his opponents! FOUR GOALS! FOUR GOALS! Show me how you run! Oh! Oh -oh. Is that? Yes! Is that the macarena? I think it might've been. It's great to see. I mean, he's just- you've gotta say at this point that Bald John Green is dominating the game. If anything, I'm a little worried that Other John Green, his husband, is going to be sad.

So, we're, um- yeah, so this is... a 100% of revenue related to the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys, uh, the team that you are watching right now, um, will go toward sponsoring the actual AFC Wimbledon so that we can, um, we can support their academy, and, uh, support the club, and kind of support the idea that it's good to be owned by your fans, and that, um, you know, soccer clubs owned by rich people is not the only way, or even the best way to go. That would've been a great pass if only I had a different formation.

Um, lastly, I wanna introduce you to a couple, just a couple, because we don't have a lot of time, of our new players. Uh, most excitingly, um, playing in central defense, we have Aliza- aka "Lizzie" Bennett. No relation. Um, no relation, of course, to, uh, Other John Green, whose maiden name, before he was married to Bald John Green, was Bennett. But now he is, uh, now he's John Green, um, a Bennett. So, but yes, no relation at all between he and Lizzie Bennett, but I'm excited because we've never had, in all the years that we were Swindon, we never had- I'm gonna go ahead and take out, uh, Bald John Green and Other John Green here in the 83^rd minute.

Just 'cause I don't want anybody to get hurt. I forgot to do that. That's my new big thing, is trying to avoid injuries for the boys, because I hate to see- and the girls. I hate to see, I hate to see people in pain. Um, so we're gonna bring in YaYaYaYa Bamba. And then we're gonna also bring in, uh, Jackie Midson, and... and, um... and Green Eggs and Sheringham.

Um. I think, Meredith, I'm working on a song for Green Eggs and Sheringham, that goes, like, um, uh, that's about, like, how he would score, um- I, initially I wanted it to be like, "He would score with a boat, he would, he would score in a boat, he would score with a goat," but then I realized, like, that could be taken in another way, and that's not cool. So I'm still working. But I'm close, I'm close to something. Um, you know, um. We're working. We're working on that. So... but yeah, Green Eggs and Sheringham is gonna be a really important striker for us.

So I'm really excited about, uh, Aliza "Lizzie" Bennet, um, rockin', uh, rockin' the central back for us, um, because I think, uh, she's gonna be a huge part of our club. But I do wanna make clear that even though all of these players are obviously based on actual AFC Wimbledon players, I want you to if you can divorce yourselves from their reality, [laughing] so that the actual, um, A. Bennett doesn't get mad at me for turning him into, not just a woman, but also a character from a 19^th-century, um, British novel.

Um, so, yeah. I hope we can- and if we can't be, we'll just change the names back or something. Hi, Sarah! Sarah's here. Um, working on The Art Assignment. Um, we're playing AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys. Do you want to, uh, do you want to star in an episode?

All right, um, I have good news, Sarah. WE WON! Four goals, from John Green, John Green, John Green, and then heroically in the 70th minute, John Green. Oh, it's a great day in Swindon. AAAHHH! It's a great day in Wimbledon. Best wishes.