Link: You killed him with your big--

Hank: Did I kill him? I think your story killed him.

[Intro]

Hank: That was a really brief curious case.

[Link laughing]

Link: He got so old and young at the same time.

Rhett: What are the chances that you would have the big hands when that happened?

Link: A hundred percent, cause he won. Welcome to Good Mythical More. Uh, congratulations.

[High fives]

Hank: It's--

Rhett: I'm gonna be over here-- I'm going to be reading Girls' Life.

Hank: I got to tell you guys a little, a story, a little secret about myself.

Link: OK. Does it involve taking a breast friend forever quiz?

Rhett: A breast friend?

Hank: [Laughing] Breast friend.

Rhett: That's your mom, man.

Link: That's what BFF stands for, right?

Hank: You're breast fr-fend forever.

Link: OK, I said that.

Hank: Did it happen.

Link: Yeah.

Hank: My hands are so warm.

Rhett: [Laughs] Do you wanna de-hand?

Hank: Can I take them off?

Rhett: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hank: Ah, so-- uh oh. Oh no. Help me!

Link: Scream. Scream loudly.

Hank: Ha! Ah! Hu! Ah.

Link: What were you going to say? You're gonna say..

Hank: That's what I was gonna tell ya.

Link: Oh.

Hank: About my damp hands.

Link: Oh. Damp hands, but you can take those with you.

Hank: Alright, thank you.

Link: You can use them when you're flying back to Montana to like hail a plane.

Hank: [Laughs] That'll be, that'll be better than just normal hands.

Rhett: OK.

Hank: And, I'm sure I'll get lots of friends.

Rhett: Uh, you guys wanna take a quick quiz?

[Hank sniffles]

Hank: Sure.

Link: My understanding is that these amazing magazines, which I read all the time, are chock-full of quizzes which help you ascertain what type of person you are, and, therefore, what type of action you should take. In this case, related to what?

Rhett: Uh, are you too harsh with your BFFs?

Link: Oh.

Rhett: Now--

Hank: Can you have multiple BFFs?

Link: Nope.

Hank: I think there's a problem with that, with that acronym.

Rhett: Yeah, they need to take that "s" away.

Hank: Take that "s" off, cause you can't have a best--

Link: No.

Hank: You can't have, have two best friends. There's a best and then there's a second best.

Rhett: That's true.

Link: Right, but I have one, you have one, and Rhett has one.

Hank: OK. I'm there with you.

Rhett: Oh, yeah. When three people are taking the quiz at the same time it applies.

Hank: Suddenly makes more sense. Alright tell me what my--

Rhett: Well, first let's just start with, ah, is your brother your best friend?

Hank: I'd say my wife is my best friend,

Rhett: Oh!

Rhett and Link: [together] Good answer.

Link: She happens to be in the room. John is not, so makes sense.

Hank: Well, I mean...

Rhett: OK, ah.

Hank: But, should we, well should we--

Rhett: Well, for the purpose of this

Hank: We should say John.

Rhett: OK.

Hank: OK.

Rhett: Alright.

Hank: Alright.

Rhett: You're vintage shopping with your BFF--

Hank: Me and John went vintage shopping? Like, to an antique mall? We're antiquing?

Rhett: --and she tries on some Jordache jeans that are, eek, just way to tight.

Link: Eek!

Hank: OK, I've, ah, I've refined my though about where we are, me and John for a big emp-- store full of like, ah, old mirrors to now we're at a Goodwill.

Rhett: Yeah, yeah. Jordache's there.

Hank: [Laughing] OK.

Link: Jordache jeans, OK.

Rhett: When she asks how they look, you say... A, painted on. Just kidding, love you. 

Hank: Wait, what? OK.

Link: I've said that before.

Rhett: B, hmm, they're cute, but maybe you should try to find a pair one size up.

Hank: Oh.

Rhett: A little honest.

Link: Mmm.

Hank: I don't know. I don't know about that.

Rhett: Or, C, well how do you think--

Hank and Rhett: [Together] how do you think they look?

Hank: Yeah.

Rhett: Or, how do you think they look?

Hank: How do you, how do you think they look? Right, yeah.

Link: Or, how do you think they look? Or...

Hank: Do they have eyes? How do they see? How do pants see, Becky? I'm so confused. How do they see things?

Link: Wait, Becky's my BFF, not yours. Uh--

Rhett: I'm going, I'm gonna my answer. I think that I would just, I would turn it back on them.

Hank: Yeah, I'd turn it back, back on John. I'd say, I'd say--

Rhett: On Link. I'd turn it back on Link.

Hank: Yeah, oh hey, Link, how do you think they look? I mean, I might be brutally honest with John. Well, I don't think it's any of those. It'd probably be like, I think probably you should not be wearing young women's Jordache jeans.

Rhett: So, you think you would be honest?

Link: Why not?

Hank: Yeah.

Link: I mean, I wore women's jeans for, there was a stint before the men's jeans got tight enough to my liking.

Rhett: He did. He wore women's jeans for at least three years.

Hank: Mmm.

Rhett: Go back in the videos and you'll f-- you'll notice. Uh...

Link: They're not any tighter than the men's jeans that I wear now, so I was just fashioned forward.

Rhett: Well, they are shaped, they are shaped differently.

Hank: I'm gonna take, when we get up and walk, when you walk me out, I'm gonna be taking an extra long look at like your shape.

Link: You know, that's fine.

Hank: Your body shape. I don't-- yeah, just so you know.

Rhett: Link--

Link: While you're at it smell my hands.

Hank: My smell like, like, oh. OK, what do they smell like.

Link: I'm gonna say, A, they look painted on, girl.

Hank: JK, I love you.

Link: Just kidding, I love you.

Hank: Sure, we'll give him that one. We don't care why.

Link: I'll just get-- that's my playful answer. That's fine.

Rhett: OK, alright man.

Hank: We do have to finish this eventually. Smell my hands. What do you, what do you think that is?

Rhett: They smell like the inside of rubber hands, man. That's what.

Link: Yeah.

Hank: Oh, right. I forgot about the hands.

Rhett: Yeah.

Hank: How could I forget about the hands?

Link: They have an off gas.

Rhett: You and your squad are all chipping in to throw a surprise b-day party for your friend, Aaliyah.

Hank: Mhmm.

Rhett: As the bash approaches, your bud, Kayla, confesses she can't cover her share. Now what?

Link: Moocher!

Rhett: A, email everyone that due to Kayla's last minute lack of funds, the party is going to be scaled way back.

Hank: Way, way back!

Rhett: Lunch in the caf anyone?

Hank: Oh, no!

Link: Smarty pants

Rhett: The caf is short for cafeteria.

Hank: Yeah. Go ahead and blame Kayla's, like something she cannot control. Great, good one. Oof.

Link: That's-- that's hazing.

Rhett: B, casually mention that things are getting expensive, and suggest DIY pizzas at your house instead of a super spread at Aaliyah's favorite "nigiri" bar. Nigiri?

Hank: Nigiri. Your girl... slices

Rhett: Your girl likes slices almost as much as salmon, anyway.

Hank: What?

Link: Is that a choice?

Hank: Pizza! Pizza. I thought there were slices of raw salmon. I was very confused.

Rhett: No, that's all part of the same thing. It's basically says suggest your own house.

Hank: Right, yeah.

Rhett: C, empty your bank account to cover Kayla's portion of the bash. So much for those end of season sale booties you wanted.

Hank: Well I do have to say, I'm a 34 year old man. So, I think emptying my bank account to cover this particular evening--

Link: Is--

Rhett: Not smart.

Hank: --would be really difficult. Like, it would be a really big party. I mean, it would be a good party.

Rhett: Um, email... I'm definitely--

Link: I'm, I'm going to go with, I'm going to go with C, cover the cost.

Hank: Right, well I, I, if I'm considering--

Rhett: Really?

Link: But, not empty my bank account.

Hank: Right, yeah. Just cover, don't em--

Link: I'm not gonna-- Oh, you can't cover it? Well, let me throw a bash bash!

Hank: Yeah, we're going to rent a cruise ship!

Rhett: I'm going with B on this one.

Link: I can't go full a cruise ship, for the record.

Hank: I'm going to go with B, too. Well the thing is, if this is my brother and he's telling me he can't afford to cover his part of the-- he wrote this really popular book that has done well.

Rhett: Yeah, yeah.

Hank: So, I feel like he's just lying to me.

Rhett: Right.

Hank: So, I'm gonna go ahead and bad mouth him. I'm going to go with A.

Rhett: Oh, you're going to go with A.

Hank: Yeah.

Rhett: Get it together.

Hank: I'm gonna say, well I'm not going to say exactly what the text of this, but I'm going to tell everybody that John's being a bit of a-- stin-stingy there.

Link: Stinge-monster.

Rhett: Yeah, because he's not named Kayla, is one of the reasons there.

Hank: It's true. True fact about John.

Rhett: Your babe, Corinne, asks you to help her prep for an American history--

Hank: My babe?

Rhett: I think that's what girls call each other as like friends now.

Hank: Oh, babe?

Rhett: Babe.

Hank: Sure, OK. I'm in.

Rhett: Weird. --asks you to help her prep for an American history presentation, which she launches into the reason which U.S. entered World War 2, you can tell she's struggling. Um, Pearl Harbor, like.

Hank: What's your move?

Rhett: What's your move?

Hank: Well, I would suggest to her CrashCourse American History.

Rhett: [Laughing] OK.

Hank: YouTube.com/CrashCourse

Link: A little self-promotion goes a long way.

Rhett: A, you're going to rip the notes out of her hand mid-sentence, and whip out a red pen. Once you made the proper changes, you'll perform the speech as it should be read, then you'll just-- then she just has to follow your lead.

Hank: Wow.

Rhett: So, you're just going to step in, and take over. B, you're going to listen all the way through, then suggest a few changes she should make. Finally, mention how much you love TED Talks so she gets a better sense of how an A plus speech should sound.

Hank: Alright, that's, that's a probably, OK. I mean, I would have--

Link: It's not pretentious.

Hank: I would have suggested CrashCourse, but TED Talks are fine, too.

Rhett: And then C, give her a standing "o," it's not your job to critique her take on history--

Hank: Pshh

Rhett: ---and, uh, she clearly needs support.

Hank: Pshh. Pshh. You gotta help that girl out. You can't let people coast through life.

Rhett: I don't like to do work though in general. I like to point people to internet videos.

Hank: Right, no, yeah.

Rhett: So, B. I'm all over B.

Link: Yeah.

Hank: Emailing people internet videos is pretty much my job.

Link: B for me, too. Gotta stick with that.

Rhett: Yeah.

Hank: Alright, we're all, we're all on that one.

Rhett: Your girls--

Hank: Uh huh.

Link: Hey.

Rhett: --have been your valentine since, oh, the beginning of time, but this year you finally have a BF, that's a boyfriend.

Hank: I feel bad. I feel like we're mocking children.

Rhett: And secretly want to skip out on your traditional heart's day sleepover.

Hank: Oh, yeah.

Rhett: OK, they've been doing that for years. They've been having sleepovers.

Hank: Right on, on Valentines Day.

Rhett: Now you got of BF. How do you break the news that you're bailing for a boy?

Hank: Mm. Drama.

Rhett: You're gonna send a snap of the ironically sweet teddy bear and hilarious card you got him, hope they take a hint? Are you gonna B, meet for lattes to casually mention that your guy asked you to a February fourteenth dinner? If they don't lose it on you, you tell them that you already said yes, duh!

Hank: Mhmm

Rhett: Or, C, ew--

Hank and Rhett: [together] You still have no clue.

Hank: You just don't know what to do. I like that one of the options is I just don't know. I don't know, it's hard to be a human. I like they're letting that be an option. Both of these, I think that this is a bunch of really great, uh, sort of constructive advice. I, I like number one, you send a snap about that sweet teddy bear that he sent you and then, and then you're like, oh see how, you know.

Rhett: You just see if they take a hint.

Hank: Right, you know, you give them, give them all information necessary to let them know why you're making this difficult decision.

Rhett: I like lattes.

Hank: I also like drinks.

Rhett: And, I, so, I'm gonna do that just because lattes were an option.

Hank: Where'd you get your shoes? I feel like that's a question that Becky would ask Kayla.

Rhett: [Laughs] Really?

Hank: Isn't Becky one of them? No.

Link: Is that an answer? Cause I'm choosing that one.

Hank: Just, where'd you get those--

Link: Change the subject to shoes.

Rhett: OK Link, I'm going to put you down for you have no clue, because you haven't spoken.

Link: Right.

Hank: Well...

Rhett: Final question.

Link: Well, I think you should just be direct.

Rhett: Final question.

Link: I have a boyfriend now. It's Valentines Day.

Hank: Grow up, girls.

Link: You don't need me anyway.

Hank: And, I wouldn't --I, I, would send them the snap. I mean, you don't want to use any other social media platform for that. You want to use Snapchat.

Link: No, it's got to be temporary.

Hank: Yeah.

Rhett: And finally, you're related to-- not you're related to, wow.

Hank: You are, you are related to your boyfriend, Zach. It's very, very confusing.

Rhett: Warning! You're slated to join your best guy friend, Zach, and his family for a ski weekend over winter break. As you two are hammering out details, he mentions his hot but horrible cousin, Chase!

Hank: Ah, Chase.

Link: Chase is hot but horrible.

Hank: Ah, he's so hot.

Rhett: --is tagging along. What do you do? A, announce that if Chase is in, you're out faster than he can carve down a black diamond.

Rhett and Hank: [Together] You hate Chase.

Hank: How do you feel about Chase?

Link: I can't read along with you guys from over here. I feel so excluded.

Hank: I think you like him. I think you must like Chase, cause you didn't say it.

Link: Well, he's hot but annoying, right?

Rhett: He's horrible, in fact.

Link: He's horrible.

Hank: He's horrible.

Link: How's that even possible? When you're hot, how could you be horrible?

Rhett: B, you say nothing. You don't have to stick with him 24-7. Or, C, ask your mom to call Zach's mom, and say that she's pulling the plug on you going. Too expensive, too many boys? What ever you have to do to get out. Thanks, Mom.

Hank: Oh, you're gonna-- So, B is just like ghost it.

Link: This is so tough.

Hank: And, just be like, I, I'm not going to reply to that.

Link: So glad I don't know a hot but horrible Chase.

Hank: You know, I think I, I think I would try and convey why I think Chase is so awful. Like, what did Chase do that's so, so bad? Like you gotta, you got to let friend know. Like, you can't just this guy, Zach--

Rhett: That's not an option.

Hank: --coast along and think Chase is this good guy when he's done all this bad stuff. You gotta let him know.

Rhett: You just have to, you have to back out, you have to put it on your mom, or you have to go. Those are your two questions.

Hank: I'm gonna put it on my mom.

Rhett: OK.

Link: It is interesting how none of the options are just say what you think.

Hank: Yeah.

Link: They're all like this--

Hank: Yeah, just make--

Link: --Clandestine...

Hank: --make sure you lie a bunch to your BFFs.

Link: Right.

Rhett: I, I think I would just say nothing, because I, I can deal with people and I like skiing.

Link: Is there an I--

Hank: Wait, you would go?

Rhett: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to not ski cause of Chase. I don't care how horrible or hot he is.

Hank: Is that, you don't have to--

Link: Right.

Hank: Oh, OK. So, that's the go option. I was confused about, I thought that option was just like, reply not at all, do not ever engage with Zach again, because you want to avoid the Chase situation.

Rhett: The only one, B is the only one that lets you still ski.

Hank: OK

Link: Yeah, yeah. I want to ski.

Rhett: So far I've gotten, uh, TED Talks, lattes, and a ski trip.

Link: And skiing?

Rhett: Yup.

Link: What's A again?

Rhett: Uh, you say, "if Chase is in, I'm out."

Link: Mm, hardliner. That's me.

Rhett: OK.

Link: Alright, so let's get some results

Hank: I don't know how bad, I mean Chase is, Chase is

Link: He's horrible. He's horrible.

Hank: Is horrible, but I don't know how horrible.

Rhett: OK, Link, uh, you are mostly A's.

Link: Horrible

Rhett: Mostly A's which means you are brutally honest.

Link: Yes.

Hank: Mm.

Rhett: OK. Uh, Hank, you were mostly... let's see. An A, you were B, you were a C...

[Hank guffaws]

Rhett: Woah. A. Oh, Hank, you had two As. More than anything else. You're also brutally honest.

Hank: I feel it.

Rhett: Then I am C, B, B, B, B. I am almost all Bs. I am delicately direct.

Hank: Uh, good. Good.

Link: And no one, no one.

[Hank burps]

Link: Woah

[Rhett laughs]

Link: That was pretty direct. None of us were overly understated.

Rhett: No, no.

Hank: No.

Rhett: That was mostly Cs.

Hank: No you wouldn't want to be so, so understated. I was the last one there, because I wanted my mom to handle it for me.

Rhett: [Laughs] Do people take these quizzes, and then they're like, OK, I'm, I'm doing something different now?

Link: Just like we're about to do. Yes.

Hank: Maybe, yeah. You got to define yourself as a young person. You got to figure out who you are. You're not just, you're not just who you are. You are building yourself.

Rhett: I'm what? Am I this girl? 

Link: You're what magazines label you.

Rhett: Am I this girl?

Hank: I don't think so.

Link: Alright.

Hank: Well... actually there is a resemblance.

Link: Yeah. To me probably.

Rhett: Does it look like I'm here now?

Hank: Actually, it does look a little more like Link. There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh huh.

Rhett: Wow, Link.

Hank: If you were a lady, if you were like a 16 year old girl, that might be what you look like. Ha ha! Nice face. I liked it.

[Outro music]