Good morning John.

So when you got a friend or a family member who is sick, it is normal and good to want to do something for those people. And you should. And as I have become one of the people who people want to do things for, I have thoughts on how to do that well, what to do and what to avoid. And also because I am just one person I asked on Twitter, and I got a lotta people, thousands of people, who responded to me to tell me what they've really appreciated and what they haven't. With, of course, the caveat that different people are different and they're gonna want different things. Like I got people saying that they both appreciated and didn't appreciate the same thing.

But here's one thing that I think you should avoid: Asking what you can do. I know it's very tempting, but it almost feels (I don't know if this isn't it) but it almost feels like you're saying that so you can get out of actually doing something because I'm not gonna ask for something from you because that's not how most people do. Also being sick is a lotta work, is a lot of burden already, it's a lotta stress, and now I'm trying to think of things that you can do? That's more work.

What you can and should do is think of what you can do and then ask if that's a good thing. Like "What do you need from me?" feels like a burden, but "What kind of Pringles are your favorite?" That feels like a gift. Now what people need is gonna be very different person-to-person, like sometimes people are gonna be in like a financially difficult spot and in those situations, getting like an expensive gift can actually feel bad because I don't need an expensive gift right now. I need, like, gasoline to get to my doctor's appointment. And so somewhat surprisingly the number one most appreciated thing I heard about on Twitter...was meal delivery gift cards. People also talked about gas cards, rides, and just meals like delivered meals that people made for them. But things to avoid when it comes to making meals for people include:

Not asking what they would like. It's good to ask and be, like, "Would this be good?" because people like different things and also they might have restrictions, both in general but also because of their illness.

Also this is gonna to be context dependent, but cleaning up a casserole dish or tupperware is work that some people might not be able to do right now. I have appreciated it when it comes in a disposable container. Well nobody likes disposable containers, but in this situation, even if you don't want it back, like I'm not gonna throw it away. I'm gonna clean it and I'm gonna be exhausted afterwards. These little aluminum pans are amazing and they sell them at the grocery store.

Now when it comes to more gifty type stuff, obviously you're gonna know your person better than I do, but for me, the things that I have appreciated most are things that imply in their giving that I should be focusing on myself and healing and resting. So yes, blankets, pillows, but also smaller things like bath bombs or soap or tea or lotion. Somebody gave me an oil for my bald head, here's my bald head by the way. I mean I have a fine head shape it turns out, like it's a good head shape, I just have always had hair! I liked it!

Flowers are also nice, but what I will say is I had a lot of flowers in the first week, uh, and so if you want to give flowers here's what maybe you should do is: Schedule on your phone like two months later or three months after you hear about it and then send flowers down. Also there are some flowers, and I didn't know this, but there are some flowers that are, like, mourning flowers. Don't give white lilies to a person who is sick. It's basically saying, like, "I'm thinkin' about your funeral."

You also might know that your person loves something in particular like Turkish delight or Pringles. But when it comes to something that somebody might feel bad ignoring for a while or throwing away, you do want to ask because being sick can change your relationship with food. It can mean that there are periods of time when you can't enjoy food or certain foods that you're not allowed to eat, so always good to ask. But I was really quite shocked by what I heard the most when it came to what people want from other folks when they are sick, and not because I hadn't experienced it. I had experienced the exact same feelings, but I thought I'm a weirdo. But no.

By far the most requested thing the thing that people appreciated the most from other people was: The people. It was just tie-it was just like hanging out, like we want to hang out! Being sick can of course be very stressful, sometimes it can be very time consuming, other times it can be super boring and isolating. There is often not a lot to do, and sometimes I both am bored and do not want to hang out. Like I feel awful and I just want to lay around. But sometimes I feel good and I want a phone call, I want to talk, I want to do something. Not like a hike! Unfortunately. Like I hope I get there, but not a hike. But like, I do wanna hang.

Now one of my favorite things is that you can do some of this stuff together. Like you can sort of contrive to be in your friend or loved one's neighborhood, if they live in your town, and then you'd be like, "Hey, I'm at X coffee shop near your house. Can I get you anything? I'd love to come by and hang out." You're not dropping in unannounced. That-avoid that. Because look, they might be like currently puking. Like you don't wanna knock on a door of a person and you don't know if they would like to see you come by right now. They might be busy. But saying like, "Hey, I'm at the taco shop can I bring you a quesadilla?" and then also letting yourself be a part of the package if they'd like it, is lovely. And like this is a wonderful thing to do for a person who doesn't have an illness. But even better for someone who might be craving a little bit of socialization and a lotta cheese.

People said over and over again they don't want surprise drop-ins, but they do want visits from people, whether that's on the phone at the hospital or at home. And they also said that as their illness progressed, these check-ins and hangouts tend to get further spaced out and less common. And so, with all of this stuff, I think it's important to say, like, in the week that everybody's hearing about the illness for the first time, there's gonna be probably plenty of folks reaching out and-and offering support. But two months in, six months, six years in, there's a lot less of that, and so schedule them.

I am like this and I-I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but I consider everything in my life to be a project, including like my relationship with my son and my wife and my brother. Like I-like all these things are things that I need to to work on, to invest in, to spend time on, and to schedule. Friendships don't happen if they don't get invested in, so put it on the calendar. Do it every two weeks, have a thing that says send this person funny TikToks, or ask them if they want a phone call, or tell them that you want to bring them a coffee.

And as for things to avoid when it comes to this stuff, unless you've been through something pretty similar, I would avoid advice. Now people who have had Hodgkin's lymphoma and they've been through ABVD, which is my chemo regimen, I wanna talk to them about their advice all day and night. Because it's like suck on ice chips during the bleomycin, like, you're not gonna know that tip unless you've been through it. Talking to people who have been through a cancer diagnosis and treatment and, you know, recovery and relapse and all the different things that can happen with cancer, has been great. It's been very helpful.

People who haven't been through it, I just like-I don't know that your advice matters that much to me. That feels like I'm sorry. When I hear from a person who's had my chemo regimen and they say, "You know, weed helped me a lot with the nausea." I'm like, "Oh, ok, thank you. That's-that's interesting to know." When I hear that from somebody who just smokes weed a lot, I don't care!

And one of the scariest things about being sick...is thinking that you might not be doing the right thing for your health. It's so scary and it's har-it's impossible to know a hundred percent, of course, but this is very hard not to obsess over, and hearing from people that you might love or trust that you should be doing or trying something else should be done very carefully, and also it should never be done with the intent to sway someone away from a treatment plan that they have developed with their doctor. And it feels really bad, and I think also is bad, to get a person into a place where they might be questioning their current treatment plan that they have worked out with a person who...knows more about this than you, and that's why they're the doctor of oncology or whatever.

And that was a lot of words for something that you're probably not going to do anyway. Like I just wanted to say it just in case, but it is a thing to avoid. What people mostly want is like the same stuff. They wanna make jokes about their kids, they wanna relive all the grad school fun, they wanna talk about submarine disasters, and they wanna hear what's up with you. Like it's just normal socialization. It can always feel weird when you are socializing with a person who is in a different situation than you. I promise it will get normal immediately once you start to do it. Yeah, that person's in a different situation than you might be used to, but it's just a person. You do not have to treat them like they're a delicate flower. You should not treat them like you're already mourning their loss. You can, but you don't have to talk about their illness and treatment, like they will talk about that the amount that they want to and sometimes they'll want to and sometimes they won't. Trust me, I love to complain about being sick and I would love for you to let me do that. And honestly just remember one of the great joys of life is hanging out with friends and this is just an excuse to hang out with a friend. So just hang out with a friend. Because you're here at this video because you want to help somebody out, this is why you clicked on this, right?

And I'm telling you, once you've had your basic needs fulfilled, what people need more than anything else, regardless of their health, is people. John, I'll see you on Tuesday.