Dr. Lindsey Doe: I'm Dr. Lindsey Doe, and this is Sexplanations.

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Recently, I received a lot of questions about transgender sex and relationships. Since I'm a cisgender person, I've asked people who can speak from their own experiences of being trans to help me with the answers. First, terminology.

cisgender refers to when the gender assigned at birth is correct.

transgender is when it's incorrect.

A transboy or transman is typically someone born with a vulva, marked as female on their birth certificate, who identifies as male.

A transgirl or transwoman is someone born with a penis, marked as male, who identifies as female. 

Dysphoria refers to dissatisfaction, depression, anxiety and irritability - in this context because parts of one's body don't match up with the concept of one's gender. Which leads to lots of people asking, "How can someone who experiences severe gender dysphoria enjoy sex and masturbation more?"

One way is to decrease the dysphoria. Another way is to increase the enjoyment. The transman I spoke with said that his dysphoria was hardest for him when someone touched his top and having sex with another dude was unbearable because he feared being perceived as less male in comparison. So he pierced his nipples to enjoy top stimulation, and didn't pressure himself to have sex with anyone. That time was for him to explore himself more. I'll add that it's also helpful to focus on non-gendered body parts, like the mouth and anus, In partner play, give more attention to the neck, buttocks, hands, and feet, which are hopefully less dysphoric areas that also happen to have incredible pleasure potential.

"Are there techniques for giving oral sex to a trans or genderqueer person with genitals they wish they didn't have?"

As your partner: "What do you want me to call this? or this? or this?" Here are drawings of reproductive anatomy. I've labeled them based on what tissues are homologous to each other during fetal development. This is erectile tissue, this is a pouch of skin.

Now that you have the language for the parts, here's a video on how to give the ultimate blowjob, and here's one on cunnilingus. Ask your genderqueer friend what kind of oral sex they're into. When your mouth is free you can also do something arousing called "dirty talk".

To a transman you might say, "I love your dick. Fuck my mouth." To a transwoman, "I love making you wet and lapping at your pussy."

How you position your partner is also key, like having transmen stand or sit for their blowjob so that organs that might trigger dysphoria are out of the way. Or asking transwomen to lie legs spread on their stomachs while you eat them out.

"What about using a prosthesis?"

That's up to you and your partner(s) but there's this clever trick I've modified from Jonah Lehrer's experiments with mirror neurons Brain Games Season 1 episode 1. I'm going to describe it in the context of sex with a transman. Put a barrier between the prosthesis or the dildo, and the actual erectile tissue, so that it looks like the cock is theirs. Then, stroke them both at the same time in the same ways. This primes your partner to link the sensations on their genitals to the phallus and vice versa. So now what you do with the prosthesis is really felt in the genitals. 


"What are some other non-surgical, non-hormonal options to help people suffering from gender dysphoria?"

Dressing in the clothes you want to wear! Binders that compress the chest, packers that fill the crotch, padded bras, makeup, hair extensions. Surround yourself with people who support you, talk about your dysphoria more. Tell your friends, partners and lovers, "I'm afraid to have sex," or "this part of my body really triggers bad self-hate", "I feel horny and lonely." Let them hold space for you to accept your reality and determine next steps. Maybe you'll make a YouTube video about it and be there for others who are struggling with their own dysphoria. 

"How do I deal with being trans in a relationship with someone who just wants me to be 'normal'?"

Acton from this video offers, "I guess I would ask what 'normal' means to them and whether or not that means me transitioning or not transitioning. Cuz really, I'm transitioning to become more 'normal' within myself and if that makes them feel uncomfortable then I would really question whether or not I could honestly participate within their boundaries."

I'm going to add that it's also valuable to talk about what each of you has to grieve. Your partner might be grieving unmet relationship expectations, and you might be too. There isn't anything wrong with this, unless you let the expectations go unchecked. That's when they become resentments. If you don't feel able to process this stuff on your own, I strongly encourage reaching out to counselors and therapists who can provide third-party insight, and who may even guide you to a new normal, better than you could have ever imagined. 

Stay Curious.

I'm going to be traveling a lot this fall, and would love to see your curious faces. If you're in, or close to, any of these places, please follow me on Twitter for updates and additions to this list. And a special thanks to Sexplanauts, who make this show possible via Patreon. If you'd like to be a business partner in our efforts to deliver honest comprehensive sex education to the planet, please check out Patreon.com/Sexplanations.


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In partner play you can give more attention to the neck, buttocks, hands, and feet.... which.... these are not my feet.


Eat them out. Eat them out.