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 (00:00) to (02:00)

This episode of Sexplanations is sponsored by NordVPN, a virtual private network that encrypts your internet traffic and hides your IP and physical location.  One account covers up to six devices at once.  It works on every major platform and right now, with the Sexplanations special, you can get it for less than $4 a month.  I'll explain more after I talk about your sex problems.  


My name is Dr. Lindsey Doe.  I've been a clinical sexologist for 14 years now.  I have my doctorate in human sexuality.  I've taught at universities, and I've worked with clients in private practice for many years.  This show, Sexplanations, is where I share my knowledge to help a broader audience be better citizens of Earth.  Today, this happens by offering you a way to relate to one another, learning about each other's experiences, and then being able to apply that insight to our own lives. 

I'm going to share some of the messages I've received from you, six scenarios where people have brought up sexual concerns they're struggling with, realities that many of us have or will face some variation of in our lives.  I'll also give short replies in the comments below but here in this video, the education is about the questions.  How do people struggle with sexuality?  How does it work to hold space for their stories, no shame or obsession to fix them?  Ready?  Here we go.

First scenario: I'm a 26 year old woman.  I've never had sex.  I think I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum, very rare for me to experience sexual attraction to people.  I masturbate all the time, though.  I usually masturbate with my underwear on by rubbing my clit from outside my underwear.  It feels great and I usually come in a pretty short amount of time.  Rarely ever masturbate by touching my fingers directly to my clit.  For some reason, it's a lot harder to make that work.  I have to touch myself in just the right way and extremely lightly for it to feel good.  If I don't do it lightly, it's too much sensation and I end up kind of feeling nothing.  I also have to already be in the right mindset.  I do it occasionally but it tends to be more trouble than it's worth.  Is this normal?  I'm concerned because I think that I might eventually want to have sex with someone and this usually involves touching each others' genitals.  I'm worried that it's just not going to feel good or at least be really hard to figure out how to make it feel good, or maybe even hurt.

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Don't most people like being touched?  Is there a way to do it differently to make it feel better or is this just the way that I am?

Scenario two: My partner and I, at the time of three years, discovered that we were both curious to try some polyamory.  We were very careful in setting rules that were both forgiving but set solid boundaries and agreed that if we were going to try it out, we would require a lot of honest communication.  Long story short, it was a disaster.  Basically immediately, it was clear that her interest in having sex with her new partner over-rided any interest in me.  I enjoyed having sex with others but it just wasn't that exciting to me.  My trust was broken repeatedly, all the rules disregarded, and my feelings treated as unimportant.  We did break up about six months ago and I think I've dealt with a lot of the issues around that, but one which continues to bother me is that through both information voluntarily offered by her and additional digging I did to sabotage my well-being, I came to find out that he, her new partner, was not just bigger than me, but significantly so.  I'm about average, five, five and a half inches, and I have never been particularly bothered by that, because it didn't seem to be an issue with her before, but I have a hard time believing after what happened and this only made it worse by me knowing measurements as then I try and remind myself that it isn't the end-all-be-all, but I have numerical evidence to add to the emotional evidence of being in essence cheated on, that I'm inadequate as a person and I can quanitfy that nine and a half inches is much better than five inches.  For the first few months, I couldn't think about sex or watch porn or masturbate without the thought of being completely inadequate overtaking me.  Most of the time, I'm okay nowadays, but occasionally, it still pops up.  I've dealt with much more of the after-effects of essentially being cheated on, although I worry about my ability to trust others going forward.  I still haven't slept with anyone else.  I feel ready to, but I worry that part of my intention is to hope I regain some confidence and comfort with my own sexuality.  Is this something that I'll just have to wait for?  Do you have any videos on this subject?  I'm not sure how to gain confidence without exterior validation, which I expect to be ultimately inadequate anyway.

Scenario three: We've been married for fifteen years.  

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For the first two, we had sex practically every day.  In the past 13, I can count the times on my hands and they always end up me having fun but not climaxing and him being frustrated and not climaxing because he wasn't in the mood but did it to please me anyway.  He now has the desire to have sex with me more and now I don't want to.  I think it's a negative reinforcement issue, but I don't know how or even if I want to fix the issue, because I don't want to be let down again.

Scenario 4: I have recently been thinking about seeing a therapist.  In my early years, I had a lot of great sex with many fun partners.  I'm now 47 and have not had sex in eight years.  I've had bad luck with women and long-term relationships.  I went through a horrible divorce eight years ago and lost everything.  I feel like I don't trust women.  I'm also scared to be sexual with women because of the #MeToo movement.  I've recently had a few makeout sessions with girls but when it comes to having sex, I  have had this weird luck with these girls have had horrible smelling pussies and it has stopped me from breaking the eight year drought.  I also feel like I have lost my confidence and have body image problems, probably due to many toxic females I have fallen for, and I have been rejected through the act of them cheating on me.  Do you have any advice or connections in my area that could help me?

Scenario 5: I have some questions about a recent sexual partner whose genitals looked different from what I'm used to.  He/him is a cisgender straight man.  When his penis is flaccid, it isn't visible.  When he is erect, his penis may be three or four inches and maybe is girthy as a large sharpie.  I'm a cisgender woman, she/her, and I am not entirely sure how to navigate future sexual encounters as I don't want to make him feel self-conscious or inadvertedly hurt his feelings while still needing to address that I am ignorant of how to navigate sexual encounters with someone who's not only overweight but is also much less endowed than I have experience with.  I also noticed that I couldn't feel either his testes in his scrotum--it looks flat, I guess, and it just felt like empty skin.  Is it possible to have an undescended teste as an adult?  Is there another possible explanation?  Again, this is something I have never encountered, so I'm not sure how to breach a conversation to ask about it and navigate how to pleasure him or find out what feels good for him.

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Scenario 6: I am almost 19 and a flat-chested girl.  Since I started puberty, I have known that I have a natural disadvantage.  I know this from various situations.  I'm not attractive enough for a long-term relationship.  I also know that the issue requires proper therapy, but I wanted to ask you.  How can I deal with the feeling that my romantic life will be affected because of my body without having to think that I'm not a valuable person?  I just want a little advice on how I can start searching for help on my own if that is possible.

Whoo, okay.  Back to Lindsey.  This is me talking.  I receive hundreds of thousands of messages from people about their sex lives, pregnancy scares, assault, insecurities, pain during intercourse, fear that they like something that is whatever, a little too much, a little too weird, fear that they aren't enough, relationship challenges, body image challenges, the full gamut of human sexual dilemmas.  

Having sexual problems is completely normal.  If we start there, accepting that we're not invincible to sexuality, the bliss, the bane, and the bloom of it, then we will find resolve.  Stay curious.

As you may know, I live in Mexico now, a small village in Baja, California (?~7:01) on the seaside of the peninsula.  That means that when I use my computer without a VPN, pages come up in Spanish and research articles are about studies of Mexico.  AirBNBs are listed in pesos, which can be great, it's all great, but there's an easy solution, something to give me back all my comforts, my shows, my English.  NordVPN for 65 pesos a month (or $3.49 per month) gives me access to almost 6,000 servers worldwide so that I can surf the web from the US without being in the US.  Not all VPNs do this, but Nord also secures my connection so that I'm less susceptible to online threats and they support comprehensive sex education.  If you're having an internet dilemma, which is completely normal, you can address it like a computer savvy genius and pay NordVPN to bodyguard your internet access.  Simply go to which supports us, click on the "Get the deal" that gives you 70% off a year's plan, then use the code 'sexplanation' to get an extra month for free.  'N' as in 'Now', 'O' as in 'Orgasm', 'R' as in 'Rimming', 'D' as in 'Dildo', 'V' as in 'Vulva', 'P' as in 'Pubes', 'N' as in 'Nipples' dot com slash sexplanations.

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?: I know.

L: Just gonna--

?: Just flush it.  

L: Dude, let it out.

?: Send it into the camera.

L: Let it out.