*opening music*

Steve Zaragoza: oh hey, speaking of Table Talk, that's what show we're on right now!

Joe Bereta: Hey, hi! I'm Joe Bereta.

Steve: I'm Steve Zaragoza!

Hank Green: We've started rolling already?

Joe: Oh yeah. Knee deep in this, buddy.

Steve: yeah! That's how it works. 

Hank: Oh hi, I'm Hank.

Steve: The episode's halfway over now. *laughing* Guys, we have Hank Green here as our special guest and it's awesome! AH

Joe: AH. Talk about yourself for like 5 seconds. Go.

Hank: My name is Hank Green; I make videos for the Internet; 85 human lifetimes have been spent-

Joe: Shut up. 

Hank: -watching my videos.

Steve: done. 

Joe: You actually get the first one. 

Steve: yeah, jump in.

Joe: That's probably the truth.

Hank: No, I've calculated it.

Joe: Really?

Hank: I've killed 85 humans...with my videos

Joe: With knowledge

Hank: Well, me and my brother, we killed together. 

Joe: You guys have, you guys are a really slow, angry Professor X just melting people's brains.

Hank: Yeah

Steve: your videos are just like the Ring videos, there's just, people die whenever they want, they just take a really long time.

Joe: Just take forever

Steve: alright well I, yeah I think it would be great if you-

Joe: Hank just crawls out of the TV but he's more just stumble-y and clumsy. uh F**

Steve: Where's my glasses? I can't find my glasses. Yeah he's got, there he goes.

Hank: That's not the part you sit on.

Steve: *laughing*

Hank: We're gonna do a question.

Steve: Joe doesn't know how to chair. 

Hank: Hey guys, what's your favorite geometric shape?

Steve: Well you gotta say who he-- who it is. 

Hank: He, oh he asked me--

Steve: I'm sorry, we're assuming you know what this show's all about.

Hank: The questions were for specific people?

Steve: No, no, it's all random. 

Hank: They're all for me.

Steve: Every one's for you. Only answer the ones you want to. In fact, toss out the ones you don't like.

Hank: We already did that before the show started.

Steve: Shh!

Hank: Well, they wanna know what my favorite geometric shape is.

Steve: Uh.

Hank: I'm gonna go with circle. It's boring. Like, I know it's a boring answer, but they're beautiful, circles.

Joe: They kinda, like, make all of our life happen. 

Hank: They are important.

Steve: Isn't it true that circles - like computers can't replicate a perfect circle.

Joe: Is that what you've heard?

Hank: No that's, yeah that's true.

Joe: Is it true?

Steve: It's true.

Hank: I mean, you could have an equation which would replicate a perfect - well, I guess you couldn't.

Steve: It's kinda weird, right?

Hank: Wow, that's a good point.

Steve: Someone needs to write a movie about how the robots like -

Joe: Have you seen the video of the teacher who can do a perfect circle with his arm?

Hank: Yeah, but it's probably not perfect.

Joe: Yeah, but it's like super, it's like the most perfect circle in competition ever.

Hank: Have you seen the episode where they put a peculiar geometric shape into the brain of a Borg and it's so weird that it's gonna kill all the Borg but then they decide not to because Hugh, the Borg, has become self conscious and identifies as an individual?

Steve: Oh, so it would be like murder?

Hank: Yeah.

Steve: Or genocide, really.

Joe: Well we don't put it in one.

Hank: Yeah, the Federation is really angry about this.

(everybody laughs)

Steve: I-I don't know what my favorite shape is, like I get real nervous  when I see corners.

(everybody laughs)

Joe: So uh, sharp corners, or –

Steve: NOOOOOOO! My hands are sweating!

Hank: Like, there's one behind you. All the time.

Steve: I know but it needs to be behind me. I feel better when it's behind me. 

Joe: So we start with a triangle and that's what freaks you out the most.

Steve: Yeah, because it's all – well, 

Joe: Well they're the most straight corners –

Steve: Well, a star. A star?

Hank: Oh it's the sharp corners that you don't like.

Joe: Yeah, is it the inside of the corner or the outside?

Steve: OOOOH both!

Joe: Is it kinda like, "Oh, I could run into one and die" or "I could be stuck in one in time-out for an hour"?

Steve: 'Cause I just, like, I don't know, maybe it's 'cause of the Blair Witch Project, 'cause the guys die up against the corner?

Joe: That movie is crap now, but when I first watched it, it was freaky as all hell.

Steve: I remember thinking--

Joe: The ending--

Steve: The ending--first of all, that movie's great, I don't care what you say, I don't care what anybody says because it's--sometimes what's scarier is what you don't see, and what you create in your own mind. 

Joe: JOSH! JOSH!

Steve: I know, right? So maybe the actors weren't so great, but I will say this: uh... what was I gonna say? Oh my God, I totally spaced.

Joe: I don't know, but we can--

Steve: It's not bad. 

Joe: The ending--just this part. 

Steve: Yeah, you can pan over to him if you want. 

Hank: Is that--I haven't--

Steve: It's terrifying!

Joe: That's it.  That's all you see.

Steve: It's terrifying!

Hank: I haven't seen it.  I decided a long time ago that I prefer not to experience negative emotions.  I like emotions, but the positive ones, and so the negative ones, I sort of like, eh. 

Steve: Interesting.

Hank: The other day, I was thinking about being annoyed, 'cause I was annoyed at the time, and I was like, this is annoying.  What if being annoyed just felt like an orgasm?  I was like, if I had a--

Joe: You would watch SourceFed a lot more. 

Steve: Yeah, and Bieber would be the President.  Can I say something real quick about The Blair Witch Project that I forgot?

Hank: Okay.

Steve: And I remembered?  I was one of those guys that when The Blair Witch Project came out, I was like, but what if it's real? 

Joe: I know.

Hank: No, I remember that, too.

Steve: I was like, but what--'cause remember, it was, like, one of the first--It was the first found footage theatrical film.

Joe: And they were really smart about the marketing, too.

Hank: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah!  And they were like, miss--there was like, a viral marketing thing, sort of, where it was like they had missing posters around LA and--I was--come on, man!  It was really smart!  

Joe: What if?

Steve: Okay, but seriously, what if it was?

Joe: I know, seriously. 

Steve: Forget it.  What's your favorite shape, Joe? You didn't say. Well, I didn't say what my favorite was either.  It's, I mean, [laughs at Hank making the hourglass gesture]  The hourglass.

Joe: I really like vases or vases.  Vasi.

Steve: Well basically--what--wait--

Hank: Vasi.

Steve: But what is considered not a geometric shape? 

Hank: I don't know. 

Joe: Isn't anything that's a shape, a shape?

Steve: 'Cause can't anything--

Hank: Can be defined geometrically.  This shape. 

Steve: This shape. 

Hank: The Steve Zaragozan.

Steve: I like my shape.  A -hedron. 

Joe: No, let's get real about shapes, you guys.

Steve: The Zaragoza -hedron.

Joe: No, no, stop fooling around, you idiots.  I like a robust trapezoid.

Steve: Okay.  Alright. 

Hank: Wow.

Steve: Can you picture it?

Hank: Don't tell your wife that.

Joe: Yeah, I do.  I sleep on the couch a lot. Couch is also a shape.

Steve: I like--hey, I like my wife a lot. MysticSir says, "What's your--"

Hank: Me too.  Shit. 

Steve: Yeah, right.  Jump in, man, it's your turn. MysticSir on reddit says, "What's your best/worst water park memory?" Can I tell you something, guys? 

Hank: Yeah.

Steve: Can I admit something to you guys?

Joe: You've never been to a water park.

Steve: I've never been to a water park.

Hank: Whaaaaaaaaaaaa--

Steve: You know what, it's part of like, I don't wanna get too serious, here--whaaaaaaaaaaaaa [harmonizing]

Joe: Whaaaaaaaaaa [harmonizing]

Hank: That's crazy.

Steve: I know, but like, look, part of is like--

Joe: Never? Once?

Steve: I know, but I don't wanna get too serious, so we're gonna stop as soon as I say it, but it's kind of like fat guy thing--it's a fat guy thing.  Like, I don't wanna go and be shirtless around all these guys.

Hank: Wear a shirt.

Steve: I mean, I know, but then you're like, the fat guy that's wearing a shirt at a water-park.

Hank: I wear a shirt.  I wear a shirt 'cause I'm too pale.

Steve: I mean, okay.  I get it.  But I mean, you could take your shirt off and you wouldn't be like, hehe, guy's got boobs.

Joe: What's your favorite memory of looking at a water-park and going *sigh*?

Steve: It must have been that time when I was super dehydrated, when my parents left me in the car while they were having fun at the water-park, and they didn't even roll the windows down.

Joe: Your dad's just going down slides looking at you.

Steve: And there's like a walkie-talkie in the car, and every once in a while, you hear, "kcht Mijo? Mijo, I'm having a good time, mijo. kcht kcht"

Joe: "Turn on the air conditioner."

Steve: It doesn't work unless the car's on, Dad, you didn't leave me the keys!  "Ohh, the batteries are dying, mijo."

Joe: "Oh, goodbye, I love you so much.  We're having so much fun."

Steve: Wait, we didn't let Hank watch the topic!

Hank: Oh, I don't know what's happening.

Joe: Watch--watch this topic.

Steve: Which one is it?

Hank: That's geometric shape.

Steve: That's geometric shape, okay, this is that. Okay, so-- 

Joe: Ok, yeah. So, you're gonna fold-- Yeah, crumple it up.

Steve: I'm sorry we're getting way ahead of ourselves.

Joe: Crumple it up. 

Steve: What are you doing?

Hank: I don't know.

Joe: You can't expect someone to use a Strens'ms' Topic

Hank: OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!

Joe: Wait a minute, was it a good one?

Steve: Wait a minute, you destroyed a topic. Was it good?

Joe: It's about... Whatever.

Steve: OK. Get it out of there. Maybe we'll read it later. Wait a minute no, you gotta use the button. You use the button. Like place it on the button.

Joe: We should have went through how to use the Strens'ms' Topic. This is gonna go far.

Hank: Frick! Frick!

Steve: I know dude you're doing it real far. I'm just saying. [boing] Whoa! OK.

Hank: I got it.

Steve: OK.

Hank: I got the camera guy.

Steve: I love how like... we didn't explain a thing to Hank

Joe: Nope.

Steve: This is like when an American goes on a Japanese game show and they're like "NEXT UP IS THE THING WHERE YOU DO THIS" and they're like "uhh, I don't know..."

Joe: GO STAND IN THE CORNER!

Steve: yes, exactly. "WE'RE GONNA THROW--"

Joe: You just landed that and we didn't even watch.

Hank: Yes, I did, I made it do a flip!

Joe: Oh, now it's just got all... [all laugh] cracks the table in half...

Steve: Alright, memories of a water park.

Hank: [stuttering] True story, I would buy some goggles or I'd own goggles and when I was like 12 I'd go with my friend and we would search under the pool for money.

Steve: That's cool!

Hank: And we found, probably over the course of the day like 25 bucks, so it was like almost enough to pay for the ticket to the water park.

Joe: That's pretty good!

Steve: That's not bad.

Hank: Once while I was doing this, I looked up and there was a guy and a girl, and they were in tubes next to each other in the wave pool, and he had in her... under... part.

Joe: Oh! Mmmm, water-perv.

Hank: Yeah and I--

Steve: Wow and was she OK with it?

Hank: No, they were both into it and I was like *gasp*

Steve: I found something greater than money! [dying of laughter]

Joe: Hey, you need to go up for air, Hank you're gonna die! You can touch that someday, not--no, Hank.  Hank.  It's not as it's good, but it's not as good as you think--Hank!  You're gonna die!  I don't want this to be my worst water park memory! 

Steve: Why are we talking underwater like that?  Oh my God. Yeah, that would have been pretty excellent.

Hank: No, like, obviously, I still remember it, so it was a fairly important moment in my life.

Joe: Yeah, it's one of those things that just got burnt in.  Whoa.

Steve: Can you imagine, though, you've got a front row seat to that, especially with goggles.

Hank: No, yeah I could like kept-- and yeah. Oh man, it played a roll in many of my, many of my memories.

Joe: You just go up there and just gently put your hand on their tube.

Hank: It's like, how are you doing that?

Joe: It was the best day of her life.

Hank: Yeah, um.

Joe: She was so annoyed that day.

Steve: Yeah, oh!

[Hank laughing]

Joe: I'll leave.

Steve: Joe, do you have a water park thing?

Joe: I worked at a water park for the summer.

Hank: Oh.

Joe: So, I've talked about it before. I'll go through it real quick. I got an eye infection one year, so I got to get an eye patch. So, I was a pirate lifeguard for a while that all the kids ran away from. So, that was fun.

Steve: Oh, no.

Joe: Ah, and then my favorite thing to do during our breaks was go get free ice cream, uh, Snickers ice cream bars, from the concession stand, and then I just ate a bunch.

Steve: Oh, you'd get them for free, because you worked there?

Joe: Mhmm. Yeah.

Steve: That's cool.

Joe: Yup.

Steve: So abuse the system that you probably--

Joe: So, saved a bunch of kids lives, I was a hero--

Steve: Did you save a lot of lives?

Joe: Uh, yeah.

Hank: But, how many lady lifeguards did you make out with?

Joe: Two.

Steve: Oh!

Joe: One in real life.

Steve: Oh.

Joe: The other in a dream.

[Laughing]

Steve: I don't think the dream one counts, bro.

Joe: It was weird, we were underwater, Hank was there, we were looking up at this girl.

Steve: How did parents react when you went, this might turn a little serious, but how do parents react when you do save, like, their kid? Is it like crazy? Do they never leave you alone?

Joe: Well, no, no, because when a parent's kid almost, something bad almost happens to it and they see it, what they do is run up to kid and they scoop them up, and they might go, "Thank you, thank you." And then they run off with their kid to make sure their kid is OK.

Steve: Sure.

Joe: Like, you're forgotten two seconds after it happens

Steve: Yeah.

Joe: And, that's how it should be. They got to make sure their kid is OK.

Steve: You never got a Christmas card with a hundred dollar bill in it or anything like that?

Joe: No.

Hank: You saved a child.

Joe: A couple children, yup.

Steve: It's kind of worth a little more money, huh?

Hank: Yeah. I feel like how much is that kid gonna earn in his life?

Joe: I don't know.

Hank: That's how-- Like, at least half of it.

Steve: Like a percentage should go to Joe, shouldn't it?

Joe: There's like a fifty-fifty chance that I saved a murderer.

[Laughing]

Hank: Cause half of humans--

Joe: Murder

Hank: --are murderers.

Joe: That's a statistic. 

Steve: That is a real statistic

Joe: I watched a vlog-- I watched a Vlogbrothers video on it. It was like a CrashCourse.

Steve: Oh my god. Oh my god. Alright, we gotta fire at it.

Joe: So, he owes me fifty percent of his murders.

Steve: I was gonna say, like he, if, if, they have, they have to give you some of their income now if you saved their life.

Joe: Is that how it works?

Steve: Oh, yeah.

Joe: Oh. I was saved once. I fell off a dock, uh, in a Montana lake.

Steve: I'm sorry, Elijah. Listen--

Joe: He was actually angry on that one. I think I saw that flash, man.

Hank: I think he was mostly scared. He was like, it's gonna hit me, ah!

[Laughing]

Steve: Is the GoPro set up now?  We're gonna definitely see these things now, I think this is the first time we've ever had it set up. 

Joe: Are you bleeding?

Steve: Elijah. Where is it, is under the table?  It's under the table.

Joe: That's pretty cool.  Alright.

Steve: Facing this direction for some reason.

Hank: This question is from @notquiteizzy and it's for me.  "With so many successful projects under way--"

Joe: So many?

Hank: That's all I wanted to say. 

Joe: Crumple that up and shoot it.

Hank: "What's one thing that you want to do but haven't yet?"  I think this goes for all of us.  We have the capability of doing many interesting things because of our excellent audiences and communities.

Joe: We've talked about--this question comes up, like, once every four or five Table Talks, it always does, and overwhelmingly for a lot of us, it's travel.  I haven't been outside of North America, so I'd like to.

Hank: Never?

Joe: No.  I've been to Canada a bunch of times, I've never crossed into Mexico.

Steve: Where do you wanna go?  Where's the first place--?

Joe: Anywhere.  I wanna see the world. 

Hank: Mexico's also North America.

Joe: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'm just saying, that's the extent.  I haven't been to Southern North America. Um, so yeah that's, I've, that's been very limited. I've seen a lot of the US, but I want to see, I want to see the world.

Steve: OK.

Joe: I feel like rounds it out just by going.

Steve: You want to go to Europe first? Like, there's gotta be a first destination for you.

Joe: I really want to see Patagonia.

Hank: Oh, yeah.

Steve: Really? That's cool.

Hank: You don't want to go some place where, like, you'll have a ton of fans, and they'll be adoring and they'll be like "Thank you for coming to my place?"

Steve: Well, Patagonia.

Joe: I mean, we have a huge audience in Patagonia if you look at the analytics, which I do. The Patagonia audience is very robust.

Steve: Let's cut to a clip.

Hank: A robust trapezoid

[Laughing]

Joe: I literally want to see it. Like, I can't think of any-- there's like, scary countries that I don't want to go to in the Middle East 'cause I don't--

Hank: Yeah

Joe: --and some of Asia, that probably doesn't interest me as much as other places. But, uh, yeah. Anywhere and everywhere. I want to go to Antarctica. I just want to go see that damn base.

Steve: Yeah. You want to see where they, where "The Thing" happened?

Joe: Yeah.

Steve: That documentary?

Joe: Mhmm.

[Laughing]

Steve: Where they filmed "The Thing".

Joe: Yeah with that guy, like Kurt Russell.

Steve: Uh huh.

Joe: Uh huh.

Steve: And that alien that god knows where it is now.

Joe: Have you not seen "The Thing," Hank?! Oh!

Steve: He chooses not to see things that make him feel--

Joe: But, that's not scary.

Steve: Oh, man.

Joe: It's just awesome. You would love it. You should see "The Thing."

Steve: We got to have a movie night, and watch the thing with you.

Joe: Do you want to come over?

Steve: Want to come over to mine and Joe's house?

Hank: Yeah. You guys live together?

[Laughing]

Hank: Where do I have to--

Joe: That's where, that's where we took this photo. That's our bedroom.

Hank: Aw.

Joe: Got those flowers from our garden.

Steve: Mhmm

Hank: Did you, like lick his ear right after that? It looks like you did.

Joe: I'm going in for it right there.

Steve: He is, he's about to.

Hank: Um, I want to write a book.

Joe: That's a good one.

Hank: Yeah.

Joe: Do you feel there's a little bit of pressure with your brother? Does that, does the hinder you?

Hank: Uh, I feel, I feel like there's a huge, uh, pile of opportunity with my brother. I feel like people would just like give me a book deal, 'cause they're like, oh you're John Green's brother.

Joe: But does that hinder, like do you--

Hank: Nah

Joe: It doesn't scare you at all?

Hank: No, no, the only thing that hinders me--

Joe: Do you want to crush your brother?

Hank: Um, I mean... like

[Laughing]

Hank: In a dog pile? Like--

Steve: No crush him, like

Hank: I mean, like--

Joe: Hank Green wants to crush John Green with dogs. You heard it here on Table Talk live.

Hank: Like the steamroller, when you're on a bed and you're like, "Steamroller!"

Joe: Oh, god.

Hank: Like that? Like, that would be fun.

Steve: I think Joe enjoyed that. 

Hank: John and I are not competitive in that way.  Only over women. 

Joe: Did you just Table Topic yourself?

Steve: You totally did.  That should be a point.  A negative point. 'Cause it went the other way.

Hank: Alright.

Joe: Here we go.

Hank: Ah, one, two, ah!  That went better than I expected. 

Joe: That would be cool, do you know what you would write about?

Hank: I wanna write a book, a non-fiction book about animal sex.

Joe: That could be fun.

Hank: About the different ways that organisms on Earth make other organisms on Earth, because man, it's crazy.

Steve: It's messed up.

Hank: Cool stuff, but I don't know.  Who has time?  I--books--the thing about writing a book is that it takes, like, a year. 

Steve: Yeah, I don't even have time to read a book.

Hank: Making a YouTube video is like, a half hour. 

Steve: Yeah. Do read a lot? Do you try to read?

Hank: Oh, I read a lot.

Steve: 'Cause reading-- 'Cause I don't have time to read.

Hank: Yeah, yeah I read like between midnight and two a.m. every day.

Steve: That's good. Gotta have time to do that.

Joe: What time do you get out of bed?

Hank: Like, ten, nine. I know.

Joe: You're still in college.

[Laughing]

Hank: Basically.

Steve: I don't know what I want to do, man. I want to be on a, on a TV show or movie with the Muppets.

Hank: Yeah.

Joe: Aw man you hate Elliott right now, huh?

Steve: Yeah, I don't want to talk about it.

[Laughing]

Joe: Elliott got to interview Kermit.

Hank: Yeah, I saw.

Steve: I haven't even talked to him about it at all.

Joe: Really?

Steve: Like we texted each other about other things. Like, I don't, I don't even want him to mention. If he mentions it, I'm going to delete his phone number.

[Laughing]

Steve: I don't want to talk to him about it. But, no, I want to be in some production.

Joe: You got to interview or be in something with just one, who's your choice?

Steve: With one muppet?

Joe: One muppet.

Steve: Oh, wow. I can choose any muppet?

Hank: Mhmm.

Joe: Well, I thought you would be a little more disappointed, as opposed to doing something with all the muppets.

Steve: You know what? I'd love to do some-- I mean...

Joe: I'm gonna, I'm gon-- Can we guess?

Steve: So, only one?

Joe: Yeah.

Steve: I can't do like an Electric Mayhem duet or something?

Joe: No, just one. Can we guess? Can he have a guess, and I have a guess?

Steve: Yeah, you guys can guess, but I... I may surprise you.

Joe: I think it's-- I think it's Gonzo.

Steve: You're close.

Joe: Gonzo's brother?

Hank: Fozzie?

Steve: It's not Fozzie, either. Gonzo's brother, you got it.

[Laughing]

Steve: Jonzo

[Laughing]

Joe: If they don't make that muppet, they have to.

Steve: They need to.

Joe: Oh my god. Jonzo.

Steve: He's just like a lazy jerk. He's just--

Joe: He works at an office job.

[Laughing]

Steve: I was thinking he would be voiced by, uh, Zach Galifianakis.

Joe: He's actually married to a chicken.

Hank: Yeah.

Steve: Like he has the voice, or he has like the life that Gonzo wants. Yeah.

Hank: He's like gonna-- yeah.

Steve: I would wanna do something with Rowlf. Rowlf the Dog, the piano player.

Hank: Oh, yeah.

Joe: Oh, that would be fun. You could still do singing and stuff.

Steve: Sing a song, yeah. 'Cause I'd get the singing out, I'd have the fun out, a little vaudevillian type comedy going.

Hank: Mhmm. Yeah.

Steve: I love my Rowlf, man.

Joe: I think he gets a little forgotten. He was my favorite when I was a kid.

Steve: Dude, he's so good with those floppy ears that flop around, and that song in the Muppet Movie that he does with Kermit.

Joe: Yeah and I watched muppet movies all the time.

Steve: [Imitating Rowlf] I hope that something better come along.

Joe: That was pretty good.

Hank: Wow.

Steve: Really?

Hank: Yeah.

Steve: Eh.

Hank: That would be really fun to have you guys talk to each other in Rowlf voice.

Steve: In Rowlf-isms?

Hank: Mhmm.

Steve: Yeah, I could have like doggy ears, and we could have like a fun dog themed. There are so many dog puns! Huh?

Hank: There's lots of dog puns.

Steve: So many dog puns!

Joe: You could go forever, right?

Steve: Just think about all the pun--paws--puns. 

Joe: Huh?

Hank: Pause.

Joe: That wasn't even a good one, it wasn't even close.

Steve: Nope, it sure wasn't. It sure wasn't.

Steve: Think about all the awkward pauses. 

Joe: You know, Steve, I like your comedy, but I'm really tired of the kibbles and bits.

Steve: [giggles] Joe, that last comment made me really hot under the collar.

Joe: Reminds me of the time I ran over a dog.

Steve: Wait a minute.  Is it your turn?  It's your turn to pull another topic, or did I pull one?

Hank: I pulled the last one.

Joe: No, I haven't done one yet, this is the last one.

Steve: Oh, Joe hasn't done one.

Joe: Last one.  "What was your favorite way to mess with your siblings when you were kids?" from @McReese00

Hank: Uhh, I would punch him in the face.

Joe: You would not!

Hank: No, I would.

Joe: Really?

Hank: Because he was older and smarter and more clever and like, and in every way, more power than me.

Joe: You were just an angry--

Hank: So the only recourse I had was physical violence.

Steve: But wouldn't he get you back?

Hank: I was bigger than him from like age eight on.

Steve: Oooooooooh. Damn it.

Hank: I just put on more weight than my brother.

Joe: Angry Hank.

Hank: So, and also, he was sort of a bit of a--where--you gonna try to hit the lens?

Steve: Yeah, that's what--that's the goal.  Is to try to hit the lens.

All: Ohhh.

Steve: Wow, he hit the battery pack.

Joe: Frick.

Hank: You're pretty good at this.

Joe: Frick!

Steve: What, did you really punch him, huh?  Did you get in trouble for that?

Hank: Yeah, I only punched him a few times, but I did.

Steve: Like in the face?

Hank: Yeah.  I think I have a scar.

Steve: Did you ever get into like, serious--

Joe: It feels weird.

Hank: --from his braces.

Joe: Punching people feels weird.

Steve: I've never punched anyone in the face.  Never.

Hank: Oh wow.  I punched a few people in the face. 

Steve: Like, I hope I don't get to.  I don't wanna.

Joe: Whoa, wait a minute, you've punched non-John people in the face?

Hank: Yeah.

Joe: Whoa.  That's what I'm interested in.

Steve: What do you mean?  You've gotten into some fights?

Hank: You guys have never punched people in the face?

Steve: No, I've--

Joe: I don't think people would expect you to have punched people.

Steve: Can I tell you guys something?

Hank: What?  I was bullied.

Joe: But you fought back.

Hank: Yeah, eventually.

Steve: Oh man, so you were smart. 

Joe: [laughs] He was angry.

Steve: I didn't--I never got into any serious altercations.

Hank: I punched a camp counselor in the face when I was at Boy Scout Camp, because he was literally, like, taking part in the bullying of me.

Steve: Dude, what a badass.

Hank: Like, I was in a circle, and the kids would push me back and forth between like, five or six other kids, and they just pushed me around and then I-- 

Joe: Camp counselor was like--

Hank: and then he was doing it. And I was like "the next person I hit I'm just gonna punch them in the fucking face.

Steve: Wow!

Hank: Is it OK to curse on this show.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Joe: Oh yeah, fucking go to town.

Hank: So then I ended up-- and I was like facing him and I was like pfft. And then he fucking judo kicked me. Like 20 [Hank's phone beeps] Oh.

Joe: It's OK.

Hank: Like 20 feet

Steve: That was the sound effect of him judo kicking you.

Hank: [mimics the beeping] Yeah. And then

Steve: And that was Steve Jobs.

Hank: And then I like ran away, ran to my tent--

Joe: So you didn't go back after that?

Hank: No, no, no.

Steve: What happened?

Hank: Well I did like have another couple weeks of boy scout camp but.

Steve: Well so you stayed in the camp?

Hank: Yeah.

Steve: Were there repercussions?

Hank: No, he came to my tent and apologized.

Steve: Was it sincere?

Joe: He better have!

Hank: I think he--I think he was.

Joe: He said, "I'm really sorry, I don't want a lawsuit."

Hank: I also, at that Boy Scout camp, I got a mole ripped off while getting pushed around.

Steve: No shit.

Joe: We just went to a dark place.  Boy Scouts--

Steve: Did you do anything in retaliation for that?

Hank: No, but I was like, I went to the doctor and I was like, they ripped my mole off, and they were like, that's not possible, you'd be bleeding like crazy, and I was like, see the blood? 

Joe: I'm horribly bleeding like crazy.

Steve: As you can see.

Hank: It's like, you can't just rip a mole off, it's just not gonna fall off, and I was like, yeah, I know.  A piece of my skin got ripped off by a child. 

Steve: Oh my God.

Joe: And then you punched the doctor.

Hank: I did not have a good time.

Steve: Man, I, well okay, so my brother's older than me, by three years, uh, so he-- I could never, ever, get into an altercation with him, ever. It was always just like, maybe I annoyed him with, like, stupidity or like, wanting to hang out with him and his older friends. but--

Hank: Wouldn't it be awkward if annoyance felt like orgasm and then your little brother annoyed you? It'd be so ugly.

Joe: Mom! Tommy won't stop annoying me! 

Hank: And then your mom--

Joe: No I don't want him to stop!

Steve: Exactly, it's like, "Mom! Tell Steve to come and annoy me more!"

Hank: Yeah, and then your mom is annoyed by you. Like, god! And then she's like, "Goddammit."

Steve: This movie exists in a world somewhere. 

Joe: Guys, thanks for watching Table Talk. I hope it was real annoying for you.

Steve: Wait, wait. And in that moment, grandma and grandpa come over.

Joe: Nope!

Steve: And they're like, "Who's? Is someone annoyed in here?" Alright, I can't.

Joe: We need to talk about your son, he keeps annoying the dog. 

Steve: Ohhh no... I can't! I can't. 

Joe: No, no. Say your names, we gotta get out of this. 

Steve: Alright! Go ahead!

Hank: I'm Hank Green.

Joe: I'm Joe Bereta.

Steve: And I'm Steve Zaragoza, thank you for watching Table Talk, uh, if you want to submit more topics for the bowl, use the hashtag TableTalk on twitter or on r/sourcefed on reddit.

Joe: Hank, where can they find you?

Steve: Yeah. 

Hank: I'm on youtube.com/scishow and youtube.com/crashcourse and youtube.com/vlogbrothers.

Steve: And is there anything you want to promote, anything coming up?

Hank: Yeah! Uh, subscribe to those things.

Joe: Ok.

Hank: There's links in the description.

Steve: Perfect, perfect. And probably annotations you can click on and all that stuff.

Hank: And possibly that too. 

Joe: Yeah.

Steve: Alright, cool.

Joe: We're drunk, see ya guys later.

Steve: I can't handle this, I can't. Oh Hank, Hank stop annoying me! Stop! Please don't. 

Joe: Annoy me slower.

[Outro song]