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Join Aankia (Hank Green), Kiliel (Alison Haislip), Lemley (Laura Bailey), and S’Lethkk (Yuri Lowenthal) in the first installment of Titansgrave: Ashes of Valkana!

Under the recommendation of Gurlock the Beer Baron, the party ventures off to Nestora, where they find themselves swept up in a festival of sorts called the Battle of the Boasts. Adventure, excitement, and free beer await our heroes, but the good times only last for so long…

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Cast
Game Master: Wil Wheaton
Aankia: Hank Green
Lemley: Laura Bailey
S’lethkk: Yuri Lowenthal
Kiliel: Alison Haislip

Crew
Executive Producers: Wil Wheaton, Felicia Day
Director/Producer: Adam Lawson
Head Of Production: Ryan Copple
Storyline Writers: Wil Wheaton, Ryan Wheaton
Chapter Writer: Leonard Balsera
Editor: Steve Grubel
Animator: Andrew Jewell
Illustration Art Directors: Adam Lawson, Stéphane Richards, KJ Kallio
Opening Intro Voice Over By: Troy Baker
Opening Intro Illustrations By: Scribble Pad Studios, James Paick, Joy Lee, Shawn Kim, Stéphane Richards, KJ Kallio, Alejandro Magnozz, Michael Pedro, Soren Zaragoza, Laura Sava, Gunship Revolution, Evan Lee, Serg Souleiman
Hero Character Illustrations By: Rayden Chen, Hendry Iwanaga, Nick Gan, Raquel Cornejo, Jan Wessbecher, Roman Kupriyanov, Hugh Pindur
Chapter One Illustrations By: James Paick, KJ Kallio, Tony Foti, Alejandro Magnozz, Rock-He Kim
Library Music Provided By: 5 Alarm Music & iLicenseMusic
RPG Music/Sound Design Loops By: Wes Otis & Platemailgames.com

The Love Theme From Titansgrave (Valkana, O’ Valkana) By: Louie Schultz and Adam Lasus

Associate Producers: Chris Pramas, Nicole Lindroos
Game Publisher: Green Ronin Publishing

Cinematographer: Dallas Sterling
Camera Operators: Yvonne Chue, Tony Oberstar, Zach Voytas, Pat Flatery
Media Manager: Chris Willett
Stills: Erica Praise
Sound Mixer: Bobby Fisk
Sound Utility: Joanne Wu

Chief Lighting Technician: Team Bashett
Lighting Techs: Jerry White, Zak Hindle, Shane Reilly, David Connan, Matthew Brown
Production Designer: Geoff Flint
Art Director: Drew Wootten
Asst. Art Director: Vanesa Wilkey Escobar
Construction Coordinator: Freddy Palaez
Carpenter/Set Dresser: Cody Recker
Carpenters: Emiliano Rios, Jakob Bokulich, Mudavahnu “Moody” Mushonga
Set Dresser: Virginia Claire Boutwell
Swing: Todd Super
Shopper: Melissa Low
Scenic: Jennifer Preston, Ed Kotero

Wardrobe Stylist: Kristin Ingram
Costumer: Kristin Pielech
Make Up: Christina Waltz
Hair: Georgette Sweet
Additional Hair/Make Up: Lexx Staats

Production Manager: Ashley Krick
Production Assistants: Jason Adams, Melissa DeVarney, Kevin Szemis, Matthew Middleton
Craft Service: Nick Schreiber

Post Production Supervisor: James Deuling
Additional Animation: Adam Lima
Assistant Editing: Nicole Tang
Post Production Sound Mixer: Sabi Tulok

 Intro (00:00)


Wil Wheaton: Hello and welcome to Titansgrave: The Ashes of Valkana. This is our first true full episode of the series and I really hope you all watch our introduction into the world of Valkana in episode 0. If you haven't watched that episode by now, you really kind of should because it's gonna make it possible for you to enjoy this show to the fullest. Now look, I know that I'm not the boss of you so for those of you who don't want to watch the episode 0 that we all worked very hard on to make for you, I'm gonna go over some of the essentials just to make sure you're not lost. If you did watch episode 0, you can skip ahead to... here ish. Hey, isn't internet TV and post-production graphics neat!

 Basic gameplay(0:54)


OK all you non episode 0 watching rebels. I'm the game master for this series. of host, referee, and occasional adversary or ally. As I work together with the players to tell our story this season, I'll be facilitating their actions with the world of Valkana and everyone in it. I will present them with challenges and events that we can tests and they'll have to roll dice to help determine the outcome of those tests. Each of the characters has different strengths and weaknesses that will influence things as well. Some of them are good at punching things, and others are good at hiding from things. This is all gonna make sense, I promise.

Also, there is a unique mechanic in the fantasy age system that we're going to us to run this game and you need to know about it because the players talk about it a lot. It's called the stunt mechanic. The way it works is when anyone rolls doubles on any two of their three dice, they get a stunt bonus and that lets them do extra actions that are always cool and helpful.

Let's meet our heroes.

 The Heroes (2:05)


They are traveling through Valkana as a group of street performers. They all know and live and work together, but each of them has their own goals and skills.

Hank Green's character Aankia is a female Saurian rogue with a little robot pal named Jeremy. She's pretty hand with a blaster and Jeremy is pretty good at scouting around.

Alison Haislip is playing a half dwarf half elf archer named Kiliel. She is searching for her real dwarven father, as well as rare artifacts to bring back to her elven parents' store. When she isn't firing arrows, she loves to make and thrown bombs.

Laura Bailey is playing as Lemley Z, a young human warrior who wields a blade that she has named Dr. Lobotomy. She accidentally killed her adopted Saurian parents and blew off her own arm and leg in an explosion, so she's now partially robotic and fully guilt-ridden.

Yuri Lowenthal is S’Lethkk Dormor (?), a half elf, half Saurian mage. He was given powers by a mysterious entity while locked in a church as a child, and he's searching for his full Orc brother.

Again, if you haven't seen episode 0, I highly recommend it because it delves deeper into each character and it explores their secrets, too. I really hope that you will watch it or have watched it, but either way, it's time to begin episode one of Titansgrave: The Ashes of Valkana.

 Narration (3:53)


Narrator: Eons before Valkana bore her own name, she bore witness to beings not of this realm. These ancients planted the seeds of life on Valkana, and as that life grew, and civilizations formed, their thirst for supremacy blossomed into war. Gifted with an unmatched intellect, the Saurian empire built mighty war machines, and claimed dominion on Valkana, until the heavens themselves fell upon them.

Valkana was plunged into darkness and a thousand years of war. In this crucible, great heroes were forged, and together they extinguished the flames of battle. A new civilization was built on the ruins of the old, a peaceful world of magic and science, but the forces of chaos are patient and not easily contained.

Left to fester, ancient evils threatened to emerge and unleash mayhem upon the world. And so, to face them, new heroes must arise from the Ashes of Valkana.

 The setting (5:15)


Wil: We're going to explore what is in between the covers of this book. You've already had many adventures over the course of the past few months.

Yuri: We have, haven't we.

Wil: and overall, things are looking pretty good for you. The job you did in Malroth Village a couple of weeks ago turned out to be a cakewalk. Turns out that they actually did need your help. No one thought that a cyborg janitor would put 'people' on the list f things it needed to clean. (Alison laughs) It also produced a treasure for you of unusual providence.

A magical sphere, perfectly smooth except for traces of strange, spiralling symbols engraved on its surface. The sages in Malroth couldn't help identify it. The locals in Malroth have made up for this small disappointment by throwing a massive party in your honor.

Alison: Yeeeah.

Wil: You had a chance to meet someone who loves his job almost as much as you do. His name is Gurlock, AKA Uncle Beer,

Alison: Uncle Beer.

Wil: AKA, The Beer Barron. The Beer Barron unloaded a cask of his brown special reserve when he found out you were local heroes, and he gifted it to the tavern. You partied with him for seven hours or so, as far as you can remember

Yuri: That's a light night for us, but...

Wil: He mentioned at one point that he actually is from the city-state of Nestora. He recommended a fine establishment on the outskirts of Nestora, should you be traveling that way, a place called the Pegasus Roadhouse. He bade you tell Winifred, the bar manager, that Gurlock sent you and then he promised you that she would "hook you up"

(they laugh)

Alison: hah. Quote.

Wil: He also recommended that when you get to Nestora, you look for a sage who specializes in the research of off magical gadgets, and her name is Farkiyah (?), in case the sphere remains a mystery when you get there. This evening, as you cross into the outskirts of Nestora, along the Fantangle trade road, you see the Pegasus, you remember Gurlock's recommendation, the promise of free beer, and so you head toward the Pegasus Roadhouse.

 Gameplay starts, Pegasus Roadhouse (7:48)


So you arrive to the Pegasus. It's full of people, it is an exciting night and tell me what you would like to do as you arrive at the doorway.

Alison: Ask for Winifred.

Yuri: Winifred.

Laura: Straight up.

Hank: I was gonna ask for a beer.

Yuri: She's gonna hook us up.

Alison: Winifred's gonna hook us up.

(?)

Yuri: But if we ask for Winifred it might be free.

Hank: It might be free beer. You're right. You're right.

Wil: Behind the bar is a fellow called Tane and, like it's just packed with people and there is, where the center of the tavern is, a bunch of tables have been cleared off to make way for what's become a dance floor, there's a small group of minstrel's playing and singing songs, and you can sort of see on the wall behind Tane a whole bunch of different casks of ale, but you notice that a lot of them bear Gurlock's name. There's the brown special reserve, the warrior's stout, the iron ale, the sunshine lager, and the toasted wheat.

Hank: These things sound like real things. Are they going to be real things in our world?

Wil: Possibly.

Hank: This isn't quite fair.

Yuri: don't tease me with false beer.

Wil: Everything is on the house today because it is a local holiday. Gurlock himself is coming today to deliver a very small batch, very rare beer that is only tapped at the Pegasus, it is called The Old Chaotic Neutral. (hank giggles)

Laura: That's awesome.

Wil: SO uh, you can approach the bar and uh, there's Tane and he says "What can I get ya?"

Alison: Is Winifred in?

Wil: "Aw, she's around. Busy day, busy day. Battle of the boasts, busy day."

Many: Battle of the what?

Yuri: What's that? We're new.

Hank: We're from out of town.

Wil: "Battle of the boasts! We recount the tales of the chaos wars and everyone shares a story of how they fought in the wars and helped push the prophet Dhawan out of our realm. Oh, gonna be a good night, gonna be a good night. Drink up! Drink up!" He turns back and he pulls four beers and brings them out and slams them out on the table in front of you.

Hank: I'll just be like "We didn't order a specific kind of beer, sir."

Wil: CHEERS!

All: CHEERS!

Wil: He toasts you and he goes back and you hear him call out "Winnie! There's some folk here ta see ya!" and then you here out from back there (high pitched) "busy night! Busy night!"

(they laugh)

Hank: He just calls us folk.

Wil: So what would you all like to do?

Hank: Can I go to the dance floor?

Wil: You sure can.

Hank: OK, I'm going to go to the dance floor and I'm going to make a dexterity check for awesome.

Wil: Yeah, go ahead, make it!

Yuri: I don't think you even have to roll for that. I'd just give it to you.

Hank: Yeah, OK, I got a plus three modifier, so I got 5, 6, 7, 8.

Wil: So you go out to the dance floor and as you walk from the bar to the dance floor, people are smiling at you, they're waving,

Yuri: I love this place.

Wil: Everybody's sort of like cheersing you with their tankards and their ales and things and this is a party. They love it. And as you step onto the dance floor, the mistrals sort of effortlessly segue into this traditional Saurian dance song. It sounds an awful lot like what we would know as early 80's Grandmaster Flash. And you jump onto the dance floor and then as you drop in to go for a pretty good windmill, you kick up your tankard and as it sloshes over, spin around and catch it in your mouth.

Alison: Wooooah.

Laura: What.

Hank: I only got a 13.

Wil: And a s the tankard is dropping down, Jeremy jumps up and grabs it and then holds it for you on the side of the dance floor.

Hank: Yeah, OK. This is basically a routine that we used to do.

Others: Yes.

Wil: And the audience loves you. The people there are loving you. What do you guys doing?

Laura: Watching. (they laugh)

Yuri: We've seen it all before with him. Her.

Hank: Thank you.

Yuri: Jeremy, I was referring to Jeremy first, and then Aankia.

Alison: I'm keeping my eyes peeled because I'm practicing my pick-pocketing skills and since this is a crowded room of drunk people, I'm thinking this might be some easy practice time.

Wil: Yeah, sure OK. So you sort of break away a little bit from the crowd and I'd like you to go ahead and make a dexterity test, and add your modifiers and things.

Alison: OK, so that's 10, 14, 16.

Wil: Alright. So, you sort of like slide up next to a fellow and he's sort of like teetering back and forth, he's really distracted by Aankia dancing and stuff.

Hank: This is what we do.

Wil: What you notice is that he sort of has a small purse and as he's watching at it, you do your thievery magic and that pouch is no longer on his belt and is now in your little hand.

Yuri: She does have little hands.

Alison: I know. Tiny hands.

Wil: Yep and uh, it has eight little gold coins in it.

Alison: Whoo! Eight gold coins.

Wil: That's pretty nice. What are you guys doing?

Yuri: I tell Lemley that I'm gonna go over to see if I can talk to Winifred and let her know that Gurlock sent us.

Wil: OK, great. You see this like heavily sweating, washing things and she's sort of muttering to herself "busy night, busy night" (they laugh) And she looks back and she says "Tane's at the bar! He can get you beers! Busy night, busy night." and then is going.

Hank: Winifred's very helpful.

Yuri: Can I just say "Winifred, Gurlock sent us"

Wil: And she stops and turns around and she goes "Gurlock! Uncle Beer! Oh, my boy!" and she comes up and she smothers you

Yuri: Gross

Wil: In a hug. She says "So, how do you know Gurlock?"

Yuri: We know the Beer Barron, he took a liking to-- he loves our show! He's a big fan.

Wil: "Your show!?"

Yuri: We're traveling performers and we have a variety of different shows, they can be tailored to whatever sort of event you have. For example if you've got a local history that you'd like to you know, spin one of our stories around, we could basically tell any story.

Hank: And she can hear the cheers.

Yuri: Yeah, for example, cast your eyes on Aankia, she's already won over your patrons on the dance floor.

Wil: So her eyes twinkle and she says "We'll see how you fare in the battle of the boasts."

Yuri: You can count on it.

Wil: And she turns back around and goes back to work. What are you doing?

Laura: I'm uh... tapping my fingers on the bar, head in hand, looking around.

Wil: Your cyber-fingers?

Laura: Yeah.

Yuri: Clicky clicky.

Laura: Definitely cyber-fingers.

Wil: Click click thunk thunk. Click click thunk thunk. Click whir click.

Laura: I look over at this kinda big drunk guy next to me, nod my head at him, turn back at Tane, ask for another beer.

(Hank laughs)

Wil: Tane serves you up another beer and the big guy next to you goes (slurred) "You know we been here since the Chaos Wars"

Laura: I'd heard that, you're pretty old then, huh?

(Hank laughs)

Wil: "I wasn't here, little one, the bar's been here. We're Gurlock's home pub. (loud whisper) And tonight the Chaotic Neutral's gonna be tapped, don't say anything."

Laura: (whispers) I won't say a word.

Wil: and he burps, super burps kind of like a fishy burp in your face.

Laura: Oh! Nice one, I burp back.

Wil: Alright!

Yuri: Yeah she does.

Wil: So he smacks the bar and he goes "I like you! I'm Adeck!"

Laura: uuhhh, I'm Lem!

Wil: And you crack--

Laura: Bash my thing--

Wil: Smash you things together and he throws it back and he's like "SUUUEEEGH!" And he falls down and hits his head on the thing.

Laura: Pat his head.

Yuri: Hold his hair back.

Hank: Making friends.

 The announcement (16:08)


Wil: So suddenly a very reedy (?) lanky elf with very very long silvery white hair, she's wrapped in this gorgeous multicolored silks. She stands up and she takes the stage, and she holds her hands up and the place falls instantly silent.

Alison: Whoa.

Wil: And she says--

Hank: Except for Lem burps.

Laura: Yeah. I burp again.

(Hank laughs)

Wil: So you burp again, and--

Yuri: (whispering) God dammit Lem!

Wil: So Tane taps you on the shoulder and goes.

Yuri: Oh shit.

Laura: (whispers) Sorry.

Wil: "As part of the night's entertainment, we will offer you the chance to aid us in the spinning of a grand tale: The legend of Lady Vadya (?) and the Warlord." The place explodes into cheers, you thought they were cheering for you. They were being polite. They are beside themselves. She waves her hands and gets them all to sort of settle back down and "I've heard tell that on this night, we are graced with friends of our beloved Beer Barron. Is that so?"

Alison: What did you get us into?

Wil: Somebody in the back, like underneath a thing from a table, underneath sort of a balcony, goes "Whooo!"

Yuri: I say "Yes, we are friends of Gurlock and are so excited that you love his beer so much."

Wil: As you speak, the crowd just parts, like Moses and the Red Sea, and you hear the sort of like, rhythmic tapping of feet and staves and swords on things.

Alison/Laura (? ~18:00): do this now?

Hank: We have worked out a thing

Wil: And she smiles at you and she says, "Travelers, we have told the legend many times at the Pegasus. We've seen the same would-be storytellers time and again. Perhaps tonight, you would regale us with a tale of something new." How many of you have history? Anyone have history, lore, knowledge?

Yuri: Yes, I have three. Historical lore and research.

Wil: OK, let's see how much about this you know. Go ahead and make a test. Roll that and tell me what you get with your modifier.

Hank: I thought we were just gonna tell... like make up a story, be like "well, there was a--"

Laura: You need new dice. He's got the worst dice.

Alison: Oooooooh. You need a double.

Hank: Eugh, that doesn't...

Alison: So four.

Wil: I mean you should all make this roll on account of somebody can't roll dice.

Alison: Well, he got a nine. What are we adding, our intelligence?

Wil: Uh, this is an intelligence roll, yeah.

Hank: I got a 10.

Laura: I got 11.

Alison: Uh, 9, 11, 13.

Wil: Alright, I'm gonna go ahead and presume that you guys have talked about this stuff, your colossal failure notwithstanding.

Yuri: Sure.

Wil: You know that what happens is the retell the legends and the put themselves into the legends.

Alison: Oh.

Wil: The goal of this is to tell the most outrageous, bombastic, and inspiring story about how you were involved in this particular battle in the war and what you're going to be doing tonight is retelling the legend of the lady Vadya (?). And it is her story that you'll be telling. So, one of the minstrels stands with his arms crossed. He sort of plays the part of the warlord. This elf, whose name is Feyra, enters stage right, approaches the man, and she bows towards him. The minstrels begin to play sort of like low drum beats and little bits of flute and someone's playing like a keytar and there's a little bit of what sounds like a chord synthesizer.

"My lord," she intones, "we bid you join us in the most worthy of claims, the destruction of the Prophet Dhawan, who's evil has blanketed the world in terror." At the mention of the prophet Dhawan, the entire crowd starts booing and catcalling and yeah,

Yuri: Except for that one guy who's like "Whooo!" just everything is woo with him.

Wil: The warlord frowns and shakes his head and says "The prophet wreaks no havoc on my lands, and she has survived the weight of all nations pressing at her door. What makes you believe that you will triumph against her when all others have failed."

Feyra looks at him and says "Do you not know me, my lord? I am lady Vadya, the only one fit to wield the Fellhammer, anointed heir to the Crown of Kass!" She paces a circle around him as she speaks. "It was I who prevented the siege of Locklorne Woods, it was I who returned the Scrolls of Portent to the Temple of the Golden Serpent to prevent an untold calamity."

Hank: You did do that.

Wil: The crowd's starting to cheer, the crowd's getting excited, she waits for them to quiet down, "And," she says, looking pointedly at each of you, "I am but one of many companions whose legends speak boldly as mine. My first companion, come forward. Tell the warlord of your brightest deeds." She reaches out to you--

Laura: Aw man!

Wil: And she pulls you out, forward. So uh, please, tell us what Lemley tells the crowd.

Laura: You do not know me? I am Lady Lemley. Why I (laughs) I put out the fires in the glass forest. (cheers) I did it with one magic device. (cheers) It was a box that contained a single crystal.

Wil: The warlord gasps and he 'spaceworks' a box. Was it this box, m'lady?

(Hank laughing)

Laura: It was! It was this box! And inside of it... what did I say it was?

Yuri: Crystal.

Laura: It's a crystal!

Wil: OK and as you pull the crystal out, everyone goes (gasp) and they shirk back.

Laura: This crystal only works for the one person that knows how to use it. And of course, that's me! (they laugh) This crystal--

Wil: The guy at the back goes "uuuuse it!"

Laura: You want me to use it?

Wil: "use it!"

Laura: You want me to use it!?

Wil: A little hobbit comes sort of waddling up, and he's pretending to be like, starting fires, and he's like "I'm setting a forest on fire! I'm setting a forest on fire! I carry the prophet with me."

Laura: I need a real fire.

(pause)

Alison: Oh yeah, oh yeah! I'm gonna throw a fire potion!

Hank: You're gonna burn the frickin' inn down.

Laura: Oh wait, don't 'cause, I don't actually have a crystal that works. Just kidding.

Hank: Can somebody do fake fire, can we do a fake fire?

Yuri: I can do effects.

Alison: We're show-people.

Laura: Oh yeah, do effects, with fire.

Wil: Alright, roll to see how good the effect is.

Yuri: Do I have to? It's gonna be terrible.

Laura: Roll good, it's gonna be the best fake fire ever.

Alison: Fake fire.

Yuri: OK (? 23:55) Go.

Hank: (uncertain noises) That's good fake fire.

Laura: And you got doubles.

Yuri: 12 and I got doubles.

Wil: OK, and I'm gonna let you use a role playing stunt. Yeah, you know what, tell me what you want to do and I'm gonna let you do a five point stunt.

Yuri: So you signal to me, you're like "oh no the fire!" He's starting the fire and then I create what looks to be a fire actually coming out of what the hobbit's, you know, faking fire.

Wil: Yeah, yeah.

Yuri: And he freaks out, and then everybody starts to freak out and I let the fire spread throughout the--

Hank: But it's cool to the touch, so everyone starts to be pleasantly enjoying--

Alison: It doesn't actually burn anything

Laura: yes

Yuri: Exactly, so everybody starts to freak out like "oh no! There's only one fire exit and we're all gonna die," but they're all like "AAAAH" and then they love it, they can tell that it's part of your story.

Laura: Have no fear my compatriots! Is that a real word? I don't know! I'll put out the fire. And with that, I flare it in my hand, it does nothing, 'cause I suck at magic.

Alison: But I throw a new potion that I had make, and when you fake throw the potion, and I throw the potion, bubbles explode everywhere.

Hank: Bubbles!

Wil: Bubbles.

Alison: And we have a foam party.

Hank and others: Foam party!!!!

Laura: Party in the Pegasus!

Wil: Alright, now they're really cheering, and they bow to each other, the music starts up again, the little hobbit guy is now running around with this fake fire in his hands and like, acting it.

Hank: His name is Jeff by the way. Jeff the little hobbit.

 Keg-E (25:30)


Wil: Jeff the hobbit. (they laugh) As all this is happening, you hear this great calamity at the front door of the Pegasus. And the door slams open and you sort of-- it's kind of like when you're at a party and a fight happens waaaay on the other side of the room and that wave of "uh-oh" starts to work its way back. Like the music starts to fall and then you just hear "WHOOooo" (fades) (they laugh)

Alison: That guy.

Wil: And what comes in, a robot has just kicked in the door and sort of burst into the room. And it is this sort of like anthropomorphic metal beer keg and everybody at the Pegasus knows this robot. From behind the bar, Tane shouts, "KEG-E!"

Alison: Oh, Keg-E.

Hank: Keggy.

Wil: And Keg-E says, "White hawks! White hawk bandit blocking the road. Gurlock's caravan's held up in Durlane's Pass! They attacked us!"

Hank: The beer!

Laura: The beer!

Yuri: We have to rescue the beer.

Laura: We have to rescue Beer Barron.

Alison: yeah.

Yuri: I mean Gurlock, we have to rescue Gurlock.

Alison: Do we have to save KEG-E? How hurt is Keg-E?

Wil: Does anyone have cunning engineering?

Yuri: No, but you can fix mechanical--

Hank: I--I fix a robot...

Wil: Yeah, why don't you make an intelligence roll.

Hank: OH MY GOD are you even kidding me?

Alison: What.

Laura: Tell me it's triple sixes.

Alison: We are saving Keg-E and the whole world!

Hank: (laughing) Triple sixes.

Alison: Dude you can stunt this up.

Wil: Why don't you narrate for us how you fixed Keg-E.

Hank: Uhm, "Move aside!" and I do it with a little bit of a flourish so that I sort of spin in the air. Just for effect.

Wil: Yeah, why wouldn't you?

Hank: And before I land I have both of my throwing daggers out and I have already spotted what's wrong with Keg-E and it takes me like 155 seconds and then he does a back flip.

Wil: Yeah. So years later, someone comes into the Pegasus who is offering help cleaning the lines and shaping up the kegs. The new owner says "Sit down, I'm gonna tell you a legend that you will never believe but I know it was true because I was hare the night it happened" and recounts the story of how the Saurian somersaulted, after breakdancing for everyone, somersaulted through the crowd like it wasn't even there, and fixed the Beer Barron's Keg-E. At which point, the guy, who was basically there to kind of scam them, is like "oh, I have to leave" and walks out.

Yuri: That's the power of a well-told tale.

Wil: Keg-E has been completely repaired, Keg-E now says "We must hurry. The caravan is under attack. Come with me now."

Laura: Lead the way Keg-E

Alison: Save the beer!

Wil: (laughs) Alright. Keg-E heads out ahead of you, and I presume that you all enthusiastically follow.

Alison: Yes! Save the beer.

Wil: Alright. So this is-- there's also, you know, there's a guy there.

Laura: Yeah, he's cool.

Yuri: But the Beer.

Laura: He's got a beard, he's awesome.

 Saving Gurlock (28:48)


Wil: Fair enough. So the road in front of the Pegasus tavern is actually the road that eventually makes itself down to Nestora. There's a large, well-traveled road, but at points it cuts through some low hills and there's a small mountain range and that's where you find yourself at Durlane's Pass. OK, so what you see is this caravan is six linked platforms that are all kind of connected together.

Laura: And das where the beer is.

Wil: Yes, that's where the beer is.

Yuri: Guys, we gotta save the beer.

Wil: And Keg-E who is with you says "We've gotta save the caravan, guys."

Hank: Agreed Keg-E!

Laura: And we leap over and charge in.

Hank: Uh, no that's not what I'm gonna do.

Laura: I'm gonna leap over and charge into battle.

Wil: Uh, terrific, Lemley.

Laura: Yes.

Wil: This is what you see in front of you. There are eight bandits running up toward you guys,
Hank: WHOA!

Yuri: We're toast.

Laura: We got this.

Yuri: I mean we got this.

Wil: The caravan takes up most of the road. On the side of the caravan you've got the Beer Barron and his two henchmen, and just beyond them the bandits are charging forward.

Laura: Oh, OK.

Wil: I would like you all please to roll initiative. What would you like to do?

Laura: I run up and leap up onto the platform that the Beer Barron is on,

Wil: OK.

Laura: and say "To The Chaotic Neutral!"

Hank: yeah.

Wil: OLD CHAOTIC NEUTRAL!

Laura: and I shoot the biggest bandit I can find.

Wil: Great, so make a ranged attack roll.

Laura: OK. One I only roll one for this?

Wil: No no, for your attack roll, so roll three dice and then add your dexterity modifier.

Laura: Eleven! Did it hit?

Wil: That blew up a whole lot of rock and dirt...

Laura: Sweet!

(Others groan)

Wil: And uh, the beer that was leaking into that dirt is now foaming all over the ground.

Laura: Nice.

Wil: S'Lethkk.

Yuri: I move into position...

Wil: Yep

Yuri: And I unleash... the storm's fury.

Wil: OK

Yuri: With shock blast, I can effect enemies in a six yard by six yard area.

Wil: Yep, that covers the bandits.

Yuri: OK. It'll be a one D6+ will power penetrating damage.

Wil: Great, go!

Yuri: So that's seven, so I don't think I have enough uh...

Wil: Yeah, so make sure you mark off your spell points.

Laura: awwwww

Wil: And then think about what you did. (they laugh)

Alison: I would like to get to the top of the rubble and then pick off faraway dudes with my longbow.

Wil: OK. Make an attack roll and then add your--

Yuri: Oh! Better than me!

Alison: And doubles.

Wil: You actually managed to find a joint in the armor, and you sink an arrow right into this one guy. You hear the guy go "AAAAARGH!"

Alison: Nailed it.

(Laura laughs)

Wil: Aankia.

Hank: Yeah, we beat all of their initiative. We got to totally take the initiative the entire battle.

Yuri: And I used it so well.

Laura: me too.

Yuri: High five!

Hank: 15.

Wil: OK, terrific. uh, why don't you go ahead see how much damage your blaster does.

Hank: I can do my pinpoint attack which is my dex against their dex, if I get that I can roll two die?

Wil: mhmm. What's your dexterity bonus?

Hank: Ah, that's a good question. Three.

Wil: Yes.

Hank: Alright, two.

Wil: Yeah.

Hank: Plus 12. Twelve damage!

Wil: Fantastic. OK, so now the bandits are like "all we're trying to do is rob this caravan you @#*$." These are--

Hank: Well maybe they should just go on their merry way.

Wil: So one of the bandits comes running up and is gonna take a swing at the Beer Barron.

(many groan)

Hank: UH! We didn't move fast enough.

Wil: So the Beer Barron's Guard gets in the way.

Hank: OK.

Wil: And the next guy does the same thing and gets stopped, and then the next guy.

Yuri: Must be paid pretty well then.

Wil: And then another guy comes up, runs and jumps up on the platform next to you.

Laura: Say what.

Wil: And it turns out all the exercise of running up there made him not particularly dexterous (they laugh)

Hank: He's had a little too much to drink.

Wil: Yeah, you notice that one of the bandits is sort of chanting...

Laura: Oh no.

Wil: And he claps his hand together aaaand... a fireball comes flying out of his hands and it explodes over you and you and the Barron and his henchmen, and it does six points but armor can slow it down.

Alison: Why can't you cast spells like this dude. (they laugh)

Yuri: I tried.

Wil: Lemley.

Laura: (pshiing) Doctor Lobotomy is out and ready to attack.

Wil: Would you say that he has an appointment with Dr. Lobotomy?

Yuri: (laughing) Yes.

Laura: I would, actually.

Wil: Yeah alright, great, let's find out what Dr. Lobotomy's insurance bill's gonna be.

Yuri: The doctor is in--

Laura: The doctor

Yuri: YOUR HEAD!

(they laugh)

Laura: Not very much, but it is doubles. Four plus two is six.

Wil: OK great, and how many stunt points do you have?

Laura: Oh, I didn't get any stunt points. I know, I misled you.

Hank: Good try though.

Wil: Alright, great. What about that guy S'Lethkk?

Laura: That could work, that could work!

Alison: Might work. Eleven.

Yuri: It totally works...

Alison: Plus what?

Yuri: Is it intelligence bonus or no?

Wil: Then just add intelligence.

Yuri: OK. So yes, so I do hit. (they cheer) 'Cause I needed a 13 and I got a... thirteen I think or something like that.

Laura: You got fourteen.

Other: Fourteen.

Wil: Fantastic. A shower of electricity sort of like arcs out from you fingertips and then it comes down around these three guys and just wraps them in this like (? 34:05) blue electricity stuff.

Hank: (? 34:10) the face you make while you do this.

Yuri: OK. The face I make goes like this.

Wil: Nice. Kiliel.

Alison: That magic casting bandit is mine.

Wil: Yeah, OK.

Alison: Do I reload and then use my longbow?

Hank: Yeah.

Wil: You can reload it and you don't need to move, he's within your range, you can reload and attack, yeah.

Alison: Great, that's exactly what I'm gonna do, and I want to pinpoint attack him, too.

Wil: OK, what's your dexterity?

Alison: Four.

Wil: Great, OK, yeah, you got that. You got him.

Hank: As long as you hit.

Alison: Yeah.

Yuri: She's going to, I can feel it. (Laura groans) You should just never listen to me and I should never open my mouth.

Alison: That's a six... so ten.

Wil: The uhm, ten. So it sails over his head.

Aankia: Six.

Wil: Yeah you did. (they cheer)

Alison: Awww, doubles!

Wil: You squeeze two quick shots off on your blaster, and it blows the cowl back off the mage's head

Hank: Right and you can see his face now and he's super not good looking.

Wil: Yeah, he's really not great.

Hank: He had a hard time in high school. And we're so good-looking...

Laura: All of us.

Wil: These bandits are not as mocking and taunting as they were a little bit ago...

Hank: It's the bleeding.. and partially on fire.

Wil: So one of the guys is sort of engaged with you up there, so he is definitely gonna hit you. And oh dear...

Hank: Why are you so worried, Wil?

Wil: Because he rolled a six point stunt

Laura: Oh no.

Wil: What I would like you all to do is roll two dice...

Alison: All of us?

Wil: Yeah, and just tell me if any of you roll doubles.

Hank: No.

Alison: Yes.

Yuri: Yes, I rolled doubles.

Wil: You both rolled doubles?

Both: Yeah

Wil: So this guy pulls up his mace and he hits you for five, which I bet doesn't get through your armor.

Laura: It doesn't.

Wil: OK, and he just keeps spinning the mace around and he just crashes it into the caravan that he's on top of, breaking of a pope that begins like blasting...

Laura: NO!

Hank: Why is he doing this?

Wil: coolant or refrigerant away, one of the kegs falls off,

Hank: This isn't satisfying anyone's needs!

Wil: And now the mage...

Alison: $&@* this dude.

Hank: I just shot him in the fricking face

Wil: I know, you sure did, which is why he's targeting you with a firebolt.

Hank: Not like I've never been hit with a firebolt before.

Wil: Yeah, OK, so you get hit for 7 points of fire damage.

Hank: Owe.

Yuri: Stop drop and roll, stop drop and roll!

Wil: That will not go through your armor if you have armor.

Hank: I have four armor.

Wil: OK, so you take three blanks.

So we're back, Lemley, what're you gonna do?

Laura: I want to take this guy that just was an idiot and jacked up the caravan, and I want to punch him in the face and knock him off the caravan.

Wil: Go for it.

Laura: Thirteen?

Wil: Yeah, you nail him.

Laura: Sweet!

Wil: So why don't you narrate for us how you just (Laura cackles)

Alison: YESSSSS!

Hank: Yes.

Wil: wasted this guy.

Laura: I didn't use my sword 'cause I want him to go straight off the side into the barrels

Hank: Sort of whack him with the edge of your sword.

Laura: Yeah, I whack him like that.

Wil: Yeah

Laura and he falls and like (acts like she's being electrocuted)

Alison: I am going to throw one of my firebomb potions at them.

Hank: Nice.

Wil: Yeah, sure. (Alison aggressively rolls the dice) They are engulfed in flame and just fall screaming and writhing and burning and dead to the ground. (they cheer)

Hank: Pork!

Wil: OK, what would you like to do?

Hank: I'm gonna shoot my blaster at the mage again.

Wil: Yeah, go for it.

Yuri: (? 37:38)

Hank: Oh I aim first. Twelve. (they laugh)

Wil: I don't recall you saying that, but I'll allow it on account of it's your first combat encounter.

Yuri: (mimicking Wil) "I'll allow it 'cause I'm drunk.

Wil: Twelve hits.

Hank: Yeah!

Alison: Whoooo!

Wil: So you like exhale and squeeze of a shot in between the heartbeats like you were taught to do. This blaster bolt of energy hits the mage, blowing the mage's arm completely off.

Yuri: Try to cast spells without an arm, bitch!

Alison: Whaaat

Wil: So there's one bandit left. He swings his mace at you-- really?

Hank: You just rolling bad today?

Wil: Today. (they laugh) He swings his mace around and you just hear him go "...Wheaton!" (they laugh) What would you like to do?

Laura: Well, I want to attack him.

Wil: Yeah, I'm pretty sure you do.

Laura: I want to like...

Hank: Lobottom. Lobotomized.

Laura: Straight up.

Wil: Go for it, good luck.

Laura: Oooohohoho yes!

Yuri: Yeah you did!

Laura: And I got doubles!

Alison: Fourteen.

Wil: You're gonna have a hard time removing the head from your-- from Doctor Lobotomy. You come right up under the jaw and take the head straight off.

Hank: (laughs) oh, it comes off.

Wil: Yeah, and this guy falls down. Right around this time, Keg-E comes up.

Alison and Laura: Keg-E!

Wil: Keg-E says "The day is saved! The caravan is saved! and uh..."

Hank: Most importantly

All: The beer is saved!

Wil: Your buddy the Beer Barron says "Thank you. If you hadn't come by, not only would my shipment have been ruined, but we would not have been able to celebrate with..." And he turns and he like pushes some buttons that reveal a secret hidden space and he pulls out a small keg and Keg-E goes "Old Chaotic Neutraaaaaal!" (they cheer) The caravan is righted, you return to the Old Pegasus road house where the Beer Barron insists on personally tapping the keg of Old Chaotic Neutral and he pours out a glass for each one of you and a small thimble full for Jeremy (awww's) And he says "You have saved the beer. Truly you are heroes this day."

Laura: (? 40:00)

Yuri: We are!

Wil: and as the mistral's begin to play another song, this one sounds an awful lot like Herbie Hancock's Rock It, and everyone rejoices. He says as you finish up "This is a time for rejoicing, but it is also a time for us to remember the fallen" And Jeremy walks out with his little thimble full of Old Chaotic Neutral and he pours it out on the dance floor.

Hank: Damn, Jeremy!

Wil: And he looks up at you and he gives you a little robot wink because he's a showman.

Hank: Yeah he is.

Wil: And that is the end of Chapter One.

(they cheer)

Yuri: Jeremy's OG.

(endscreen)