Good morning, John!
 
In my last video, I said that the order of the alphabet is older that any word in our language. And that's kind of true; no word is spelled or pronounced the way it was back then, but there are some words that stretch back a really long time, like before written language — before agriculture, even.
 
We can tell because they show up in languages that haven't been related for a really long time.
 
And one of those hyper-conserved words that appears in Norse and Slavik and Sanskrit and Greek is the word "fart."
 
Fart is one of the oldest words in the English language, and that is just one of the 14 facts that I'm gonna tell you about farts today!
 
Why?
 
Because I'm the master of my own destiny, and I get to do what I want.
 
Fart Fact #2
Benjamin Franklin's Fart Proudly
 
Benjamin Franklin wrote a letter to the Royal Society called "Fart Proudly."
In the letter, he calls on them to create a kind of X Prize, to give a reward to a scientist who can make farts smell not just non-smelly, but good.
 
Fart Fact #3
It Could Be Worse!
 
More than 99% of the gas in your farts is actually odorless.
Farts are mainly composed of carbon dioxide, hydrogen, sometimes nitrogen and oxygen and methane.
 
Fart Fact #4
Sometimes Methane?!
 
Yes, only sometimes methane!
About half of people don't have methane in their farts! Whether or not you do depends on the kind of organisms that live in your intestines... it's weird.
 
Fart Fact #5
...But Odorless?
 
Methane has no smell!
Methane is also called natural gas; we use it a lot in our houses. Now, before it's sent to our houses, an odor is added to it. If there's a leak, you want to be able to smell it before it explodes and everything dies.
The chemical most commonly used for this is tert-Butylthiol, which is a sulfur-containing compound. Sulfur compounds are notoriously stinky.
 
Fart Fact #6
The Skunk Junk In Your Trunk
 
And yes, sulfur compounds are the things that make farts stinky. So that one percent contains stuff like hydrogen sulfide, which is TERRIBLY SMELLY because it's very toxic and we want to know if it's around.
 
Fart Fact #7
Franklin's Dream Realized!
 
There are now actually medicines that you can take that bind to sulfur compounds so your farts don't smell as bad.
 
Fart Fact #8
Bovine Butt Burps
 
Now, people don't always fart methane, but cows, they do, right?
NO, I mean, maybe a little bit, but cows DO contribute a massive amount of methane to the atmosphere where it is a potent greenhouse gas, which is a problem.
But the vast majority of that gas is not released from the back end, but from the front. In burps.
 
Fart Fact #9
Cinematic Toots
 
It wasn't until 1974's Blazing Saddles that the first audible fart was heard in a movie theater. Well, in a movie. Probably there were people that farted in movie theaters.
 
Fart Fact #10
Literary Egg Laying
 
The first written fart joke though: ih— bvwoo-eh-uhh.
James Joyce, Shakespeare, Dante, Chaucer, Arabian Nights: all contain fart jokes.
 
Fart Fact #11
The Prime Hiney Whine
 
The earliest joke in history (that we have a record of) is a fart joke.
I'm taking some liberties here as a translator, but basically, here's the joke:
Only one thing of all things has not yet happened: the young lady ne'er farted in her new husband's lap. In the 4,000 years since that joke was written, it's -- ah, my guess is that's happened.
 
Fart Fart #12
The Fartomaniac
 
Some people are able to actually take air into their rectum intentionally.
And that is the trick behind Le Pétomane, who was a 19th century performer who was able to play the melodies of popular songs with his butt.
He performed for princes and kings and for Sigmund Freud, but he was not the first flatulist. 
Augustine recorded being entertained by one such person in the 5th century.
 
Fart Fact #13
Farty Tarty!
 
Excuse me a moment. I must prepare.
(blows loud raspberry into his arm)
Call that blowin' a raspberry.
Why?
Because in British rhyming slang, "farts" were "raspberry tarts."
 
Fart Fact #14
A Mighty Wind
 
The average person farts over ten times per day, about a liter of total gas in volume. Since around 25% of that gas is hydrogen, it would take two million people's farts over a full year to fill up the Hindenburg with hydrogen. I DID THE MATH MYSELF.
 
John, I'll see you on Tuesday.