Hank: Hello, and welcome to Games With Hank, I--[chokes] [laughter, off-camera]

[BEEP]

I'm Hank. This is games with me. Uh, we're gonna play the Stanley Parable again.

[BEEP]

Alright here we are in my office! I'm not gonna do the office. I know that there's an office ending; I'm not gonna do it, it sounds...kinda boring.

[In the game in the background] Jeff: All his co-workers were gone. Clearly.

Hank: All my co-workers were gone. What could it mean?

Jeff: Stanley decided to go to the meeting room. Perhaps he had simply missed a memo.

Hank: I didn't make that decision at all, you're a liar! I didn't decide that.

I love admiring the Employee Lounge.

Jeff: The Lounge was grand, majestic, perhaps too-.

Hank: I wish I could jump.

Jeff: Eager to get back to business, Stanley took the first open door on his left.

[advertisement begins to play] Ad: You get used to pet odors in your car. You think it smells fine, but your passengers smell this [ding].

Hank: There's an advertisement playing on my stupid computer! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.  Unacceptable, advertisement playing for Febreeze during my Stanley Parable video! Unacceptable! That's the most angry I've ever been playing a video game.

Jeff: Stanley was so bad at following directions, it's incredible he wasn't fired years ago.

Hank: Fart, fart, fart.

[singing] Take me to the river and drop me in the water! Doo dee doot.

[during the singing] Jeff: Look Stanley, I think perhaps we've gotten off on the wrong foot here. [unintelligible] I realize that investing your trust in someone else can be difficult, but the fact is that the story has been about--

Hank: Wheeeeee!

Jeff: Wha--Really!?

Hank: Really!

Jeff: I was in the middle of something, do you have zero consideration for others?

Hank: Eh!

Jeff: Were you that convinced that I want something bad to happen to you?

Hank: Danger, danger everywhere. Not a drop to drink.

Jeff: I don't know how to convince you of this but I really do want to help you. To show you something beautiful.

Hank: Stop being such a Jeff, Jeff.

Jeff: Look, let me prove it. Let me prove that I'm on your side.

Hank: OK.

Jeff: Give me a chance.

Hank: Uh-huh!
 
Jeff: Now listen carefully, this is important - Stanley walked through the red door.

Hank: Doo doo doooooo-- nooo I don't think so Jeff! I don't think so.

Jeff: Perhaps you misunderstood me.

Hank: I didn't.

Jeff: Stanley walked through the red door.
Hank [simultaneously]: Through the blue door.

Jeff: I still don't think we're communicating properly. Stanley walked through the red door.

[over the top of Jeff] Hank: And then I've heard, if I do this the blue door is there is...

Jeff: Alright fine, go ahead Stanley. 

Hank: Hah, that's right. I'm in a blue door.

Jeff: You want to know so badly what's out there, you want to find out what lies at the end of this road you've chosen, well don't let me stop you. 

Hank: Yah! Eh! Oooh!

Jeff: You see? There's nothing here.

Hank: Well there's...

Jeff: I haven't even finished building this section of the map, because you were never supposed to be here in the first place. 

Hank: Huh.

Jeff: Broken rooms, exposed developer textures. Is this what you wanted?

Hank: [chuckling] Exposed develo... wall!

Jeff: Is it worth ruining the entire story I had written out specifically for you? Do you not think I put a lot of time into that?

Hank: Man.

Jeff: Because I did. And in the end it was all for nothing. 

Hank: Who d'ya think you're my mom?

Jeff: Because this is what you wanted to see. Help me here Stanley, help elucidate these strange and unknowable desires of yours. What would have made this game better, what did you want to see? Vehicles?

Hank: Yes!

Jeff: Skill trees?

Hank: Sure!

Jeff: Work with me, you've given me absolutely nothing so far. 

Hank: Well... some horror experience just like [hand movement] jump scares? Jump scare me. Jump scare me Jeff!

[underneath Hank] Jeff: Tell you what - let me take a stab at a new design and you can give me some feedback. There we go! A third option.

[Hank laughs]

Jeff: This already feels leaps ahead of where we were before. Go ahead Stanley, take it for a spin.

Hank: Well, I guess I should go through there I kinda wanna go through one of these doors though. Oh no, no, don't give me no choice! Oh, ok, it took me there.

Jeff: OK, I'm going to stop you there. Now, tell me about your experience with this new version. Would you say that the game benefited from allowing you more choices? Feel free to be honest, I'm looking for some real critical feedback here. 

Hank: I'm gonna go with two.

Jeff: Oh well, now this is useful. You didn't like it, but you didn't totally hate it either. You endured it, perhaps is the correct term. 

Hank: [laughing] Maybe? Maybe.

Jeff: It didn't cause you excruciating pain.

Hank: [to camera] True!

Jeff: Big steps we've made here today Stanley! Here, based on the data from your previous play-through, I've compiled a new version. And to be perfectly candid --

Hank: Take me there Jeff! 

Jeff: -- I think I've knocked it out of the park with this one. 

Hank: Ok.

Jeff: Let's take a look.

Hank: Do it!

I'm gonna go through this door this time. Whoooo knows.

Jeff: Now, would you say that competitive leader board helped you feel--

Hank: I didn't--

Jeff: --motivated to keep walking through doors? Again, honest answers please.

Hank: I didn't see a-- I missed it. [sputtering] I don't know what you're talking about. I should probably be going... uh,yeah. Average. 

Jeff: I nearly forgot, I've got a prototype of a new game I've been working on, and now would be a lovely opportunity--

Hank: Ok

Jeff: --to give it some play testing. You wouldn't mind taking a look at it would you? Perfect. 

[over Jeff] Hank: I feel like I maybe missed something by not going through the orange door. So I should go through the orange door. Ok. 

Jeff: Let me boot it up. 

Hank: Oh boot it up baby! Boot it, b-boot it up. Boot it boot boot. 

Jeff: In this game, the baby crawls left, towards danger. You click the button to move him back to the right--

Hank: Oh.

Jeff: --and if he reaches the fire, you fail.

Hank: Ok. 

Jeff: It's a very meaningful game, all about the desperation and tedium of endlessly confronting the demands of family life. 

Hank: Baby!

Jeff: I think the art world will really take notice. 

[Hank laughs]

Jeff: But of course, the message of the game only becomes clear once you've been playing for about four hours. So why don't you give it four hours of play, to make sure it's effective. Be sure to keep notes on your experience. 

Hank: Oh, he goes fast! You go fast baby! Face cams back! Oh baby. Baby! I didn't think you'd move so fast baby! I hate the noises you make. All of the noises involved in this game are terrible! 

None of this is good. No. No. Oh god, stop making that noise. Alright, alright, alright, alright, I can't do this one handed. I'm gonna kill the baby. Baby you have to die. 

Ah, it's hard, it's hard to let a baby die, but this is gonna have to happen. Sorry baby! Yeah, oh yeah, fiery baby.

Jeff: You heartless bastard! Did you do it because you hate babies or purely to spite me?

Hank: Well...

Jeff: Because if it's the latter i don't know what to do--

Hank: A little o' both. 

Jeff: --I'm completely out of ideas. I can't think of a single thing that might improve the experience for you - I'm not even going to try. I'm out, I'm out, I'm done.

Hank: Oh.

Jeff: Its over. 

Hank: Aww.

Jeff: Thank you for playing, your input was extremely valuable. 

Hank: Poor Jeff.

Jeff: Oh hey since my game was so awful, why don't we play someone else's game. Just to ease the pain. Let's see...what do we have here?

Hank: Dig it up. Dig it out. Got some source codes lying around in your...butt file?

[underneath Hank] Jeff: [hums a tune to himself] Yes, this seems like it'll work. Let's give it a shot. 

Hank: Hey! I've been here before. Why can't I jump?

Jeff: Well, Stanley, is this any better? At last, the one thing you've always desired - a game I had absolutely nothing to do with. 

[Hank laughs]

Jeff: But is it enough? Tell me that Stanley. 

Hank: I can't--

Jeff: [sinisterly] Will it ever be enough? 

Hank: I can't leave.

Jeff: Well I'll say this - I'm done making things for you. 

Hank: I can't leave.

Jeff: From now on I will only create to fulfill--

Hank: I'm stuck. 

Jeff: --a greater artistic purpose. Watch this Stanley, I'm going to build a house.

Hank: I'm stuck. Where? 

Jeff: [hums a tune] 

[over Jeff] Hank: Oh I...where are you? I...over here? 

Jeff: [singing] This will go here! No--

Hank: No

Jeff: Here! 

Hank: Yeah! 

Jeff: And then... [continues humming and singing random noises] 

Hank: Minecraft it! That's a little house, Jeff. Not very good at Minecraft. 

[underneath Hank] Jeff: Let's see what does it need, ah, yes of course, and just to finish it all off - yes!

Hank: Awww.

Jeff: [happily] Its complete. 

Hank: You like doors!

Jeff: I made this Stanley. Look at it. Gaze upon my work of art--

Hank: [makes triumphant chorus noise] Ahhhh!

Jeff: --and feel ashamed at your own inadequecy. 

Hank: Well I can't actually affect the game. 

Jeff: Ahh, but you've only seen it from the outside. You've only gotten half the experience, please step inside, and make yourself comfortable. 

Hank: I tried to go inside. I can't. I can't get in there - oh I can. Oh good. 

Jeff: Isn't it grand? Isn't it perfect?

Hank: Yeah!

Jeff: It could only be better if - wait. That's it. We must rebuild it out of diamond. 

Hank: Sure! 

Jeff:  Diamond everything. 

Hank: Right. Gonna take a lot of mining.

Jeff: Yes, yes, yes, come on Stanley, we have to go mining!

Hank: Oh thanks, you've let me out. Where am I going? We're going mining! There gonna be creepers down here? This is super weird, I am-- 

Jeff: Oh my, it looks like it's going to get a bit dark. Have you brought a light?

Hank: Uhhhh I have my iPhone. Does that count? Mushrooms, gold.

Jeff: Oh no no no no no, this is far more open-ended than I had in mind. I'm looking for something more narrow and linear. Something that makes you feel utterly irrelevant. 

[Hank laughs]

Jeff: This won't do at all, one out of five.

Hank: Ooh!

Jeff: Even the diamonds couldn't save this one. Okay, new game. 

Hank: [laughs] Oh, Jeff. You're not comfortable with anything. 

[music begins to play]

Yeah! [sings] Ba da ba ba ba ba dup. [talking] I bet you--

Jeff: [laughs] Yes! I don't even know what this game is but I looove it. You, trapped in a glass box with no way out, listening to me talk - oh, it's inspired. I couldn't have done it any better myself. What is this game supposed to be? I can't figure it out. OK, now I'm curious. Let's go find out what the hell this is. 

Hank: Ok, how do I get out of here though? Hello? Whats happening? Did I just walk out - oh I just walked out. Ok good. Everything's fine. I just walked out. 

Give me a portal gun! And everything will be ok. 

Jeff: Ooooh, it's a puzzle! 

Hank: Yes, it's a puzzle!

Jeff: Critical thinking Stanley. You're forte. 

Hank: Ye-he-he-heah, yeah, yeah, I-- I-- I've been here. 

Jeff: Genius.

Hank: Yeah!

Jeff: No actually you know what--

Hank: Oh! Aaah ha - I would be totally happy to play Portal right now. 

Jeff: --I think that's plenty. I really don't care much to see you stumble through any more of these games. And I highly doubt you're any wiser for the experience. Which is why rather continue to waste my time I'm just going to leave you here. You can pretend you've beaten the ga--

Hank: That's right! Got the awesome legs. I got the awesome legs. This is weird. Why is it on the ground? Hello? Why didn't you give me a portal gun though, because that, that woulda been something. Hello, hello, hello, hello? This is a little dark.

Woah! Falling again apparently. A lot, of falling a lot. I fell...a lot. That was a lot of fall. Man oh man is this a si-- weird stuff. Where am I? The carpet is a nice cushy sound. Jeff? Jeff? Hello Jeff? Hello? It's so dark! I need to turn my screen up. I can barely see. Jeff? Hello? 

This is where I came from right? Hello? What do I do now? Where am I going? Oh! Ok I just had some time. Just had to-- to wa--

Jeff: I wonder what he found. 

Hank: Noth-- not much.

Jeff: If what he wanted was to be the leading man in his own story, well perhaps he's gotten it. Down in...wherever he is right now. 

Hank: Mah!

Jeff: I wonder if he's happy with his choice. 

Hank: Eh!

Jeff: And if he's learned the heavy cost that comes with it. He'll understand soon what I was trying to tell him; he needs me. 

Hank: Ah!

Jeff: Someone who will wrap everything up at the end. To make sense out of the chaos, and the fear, and the confusion. That's who I am. That is what I mean to this world. Oh yes. 

[over Jeff] Hank: Right. Well...that would be nice. I do want to know where my co-workers are. Where are they?

Jeff: Yes I'll be back there's no other way. Once this ends, after it all comes to a close, then I'll be back. 

Hank: That's flat. That's very flat. 

Jeff: The end will be here soon. Very soon. I can wait. 

Hank: I'm just... staring at the darkness again. Again with the staring at the da-- oh good! The end is never the end...is never the loading never the end. And we're back...with...this...hallway which isn't normal again! Ga-- gadang it! Why do they keep changing things?

Anyway thanks for watching this episode of Hank Green plays the Stanley Parable. You will hear me next time - that's not my outro.

[beep]

Thanks for watching. Uh, next time on the Stanley Parable, we'll try for another ending. Goodbye, and DFTBA.