Good morning, John. 

Isn't this a fun, weird way to start a Vlogbrothers video that has nothing at all to do with the fact that I'm having really intense back pain? 

So, if ever you injure your back, and then you have to get on three flights to get home, and then two of those flights are delayed, so you're in airports, or on airplanes, for like 22 hours, I just say opt out of the whole thing. Enter stasis like a caterpillar, and don't. 

 So, you will be, maybe, unsurprised to hear that I go hard sometimes, and I can feel, like, invincible in those moments when I'm going hard. And in many ways, in those moments, I feel almost non-physical, you know, because a lot of my work is non-physical. My abilities extend into, not just the machine in front of me, but into the communications network of the internet, and I am extended there like I'm living there. I have, in many ways, in my life, felt like I live more online than I do in a physical space. I think this is problematic in a number of ways.

But if there's anything that makes you realize that you do, in fact, inhabit a physical space, it is pain. And there isn't really any way out, except to just keep existing as I heal. 

It took me a long time to realize that that back pain was, in fact, an injury that you have to heal from rather than, like—if I could only, like, crack my neck in the right way, everything would go back to normal. What just entered my mouth? Did I imagine that? I- I don't know where it is. Someone's calling me on the phone. And I don't know where my phone is. 

Katherine texted me. She says, "I'm getting coffee, do you want anything? Bone broth or a salad, something from the bakery or a Xanax?" She's a good woman.

And of course, I have set myself up in two different ways to sort of, like, deny this. Like, one, I have agreed to do a lot of things that if they don't get done now will have to get done in the future and that will impact other things that I have agreed to get done. But then there's also just the self-conception that I have. You know, I like my job, but I also, like... Like I've missed plenty of Vlogbrothers videos, but specifically during chemo I never missed a Vlogbrothers video. In part because I wasn't feeling so bad that I couldn't do it, I allowed myself that grace. But because—I don't even know exactly how to say this.

I want to do these things if I can, one, because it like, allows me to be creative and say, like, hey, if I was gonna make a video today, what would make that tolerable. And this is not a bit. This is way better than it would be if I were sitting. And I have to do some other sitting stuff today, so this is like, a break time, when I'm lying on the ground and that's making me feel better. This isn't just, "I can't do anything but lay down," this is "Well, here's a time when I was gonna be laying down anyway and I might as well be making a Vlogbrothers video during it." 

But also, I just don't mind, like, showing that my physical body and the difficulties with it that we all have is part of my experience. And I don't wanna, you know, I wouldn't wanna hide that. I don't think posting on the community tab and being like, "I'm not making a video today" would be hiding it. But like, a weird part of the Vlogbrothers channel is that it's two guys being humans. We don't require that we never miss a day anymore or we get punished. We don't do that anymore. 

But there's something about that contraint, when we had it, it's saying, "Look, you're gonna see things we normally wouldn't make if you're just trying to have a YouTube video that's out there to like, make money and get views." So that constraint, like, one, it gives me a sense of, you know, "How do I solve this problem and make this thing in a way that is in line with what I am capable of right now?" And two, it says, "Hey, we're just guys trying to do a thing." And so I wanted to do this from the floor. And now the question is, can I edit the video, and perhaps I can't. And if it doesn't work, then I simply will not do it.

But perhaps I can. And in that case a video will go up today. But regardless, I got some floor time, and that's been good, and I needed that. I also, if you can tell, have a cold. So just insult to injury there. But I have confidence that I will feel better eventually. This is not the first time this has happened to me. But it's pretty bad. It's a shoulder thing, actually, it's not spinal, it is a muscle, like a pinched nerve or muscle thing going on, and I just have to heal. You know? And it's just a injury that I shall heal from, and it will be unpleasant the whole time. And that will be in my physical body in my physical world. 

So I'm feeling a little betrayed, but look, I'm also feeling grateful, 'cause it's a good body, and me and this body have done many great things together. Including, I will say, all of this internet stuff. Couldn't have done it without you, body. I know that sometimes I say, "Hey, you aren't part of this." And I deny your existence. But you real. 'Cause I know that I don't always treat you well. And then look. You come back and you're like, "And thus we must pay." And thus I am paying.

John, see you on Tuesday.