Good morning John, it's Tuesday. I don't know what day it is, but I'm wearin' short sleeves, 'cause I'm in Florida. The tiny chickens have all but fled my system. Now they're only taking residence currently in my larynx, so I'm a little bit (cough cough). But other than that I'm feeling quite well, thank goodness.

That's not what I want to talk about today, because apparently the president of PETA recently rewrote her will. And I was fascinated to read all of the different things that she put in her will. For example, she would like the "meat" of her body to be used as meat. Mmm, PETA man meat. Frankly, I think that this is a fine idea. And not only that, she wants her hide to be used in purses, she wants her legs to be used in umbrella stands, and she wants to send her eye to the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency so that they know that she's watching them.

I mean... I am in favor of PETA's mission. And as you know, I love meat. I love corn dogs. (Smells corn dog) Ohh, that's good. But John, I wanna tell you something about this corn dog: there's no meat in it. And I don't know what it's gonna taste like. But I'm gonna try it, because I am a hundred percent in favor of PETA's cause. I want people to eat less meat. (Takes bite of corn dog.) Oh, mmm, that's actually pretty good. I wouldn't call it a corn dog, but yeah, that's surprisingly good, especially that I cooked in the microwave, not deep fried, which is how they should be cooked. Also there is 67% less fat in a fake corn dog than a real corn dog, so I can eat like three of them. Which I probably will do. I kind of feel like this needs mayonnaise. Katherine, can you get me some mayonnaise? (Pours Miracle Whip on corn dog.) Mmm, mmm, ahh. Well, I suggest Morningstar Corn Dogs to all of you and they're not paying me to say that.

John, meat is bad. And I'm sorry to bring that news to you because I know that you love meat the same way that I do. Sometimes you even like blending it all together... with soda pop ...and drinking it. But John, 80% of the agricultural land in America is used to feed food. 80% of corn, 90% of soy, 70% of wheat goes directly into the mouths of the things that will go into our mouths. And 50% of the water in America is used to water food that is fed to food. Oh, man. It's so dramatically inefficient. And especially now that I know that these vegetarian corn dogs are so delicious.

But I think that PETA's problem is you create no-meat eaters and 100% meat eaters, and then you get like 5% of the people eating no meat and 95% of the people eating exactly as much meat as they always ate. This is not what we need. We need 50% of the people or 100% of the people eating 20% or 50% less meat. I've been thinking recently that America needs some new non-profit organizations like the Coalition to Never Allow Beverley Hills Chihuahua to Be the Only Option for an In-Flight Movie. Or the Coalition for a Logarithmic Age Scale so that you have more birthdays when you're younger, when you like birthdays, and fewer birthdays when you're older, when you don't want to think about 'em. I think that we need a Coalition of Meat Eaters For Eating Less Meat. I'm never gonna give up corn dogs completely. But I can do less! I can eat fewer hamburgers and steaks and chicken sandwiches and all of these things that I don't love the way that I love corn dogs. And we can all cut back on the things that we don't really love and that we don't really need, and it will do the world a tremendous amount of good - without really hurting us at all! It isn't about saving cute and cuddly animals, it's about saving the freaking planet. It takes 60 gallons of water to make a pound of potatoes. It takes 12,000 gallons of water to make a pound of beef. And we don't have that water to spare. We don't have the energy to spare; we don't have the food to spare to support the meat eating of America. Especially when there are delicious alternatives. (Takes a bite of corn dog.)

John, you'll see me tomorrow.