Good morning John,

In the grand tradition of people on the internet assuming that others care about inane detail of their lives, I have decided that, today,I’m going to give you a tour of the inside of my night stand as ultimately this probably says more about me than any home tour or drug store haul video ever could.

First we have my iPad which I use as a slightly more convenient and vaguely futuristic way to look at tweets:I did this more when I had my iPad on the night stand but then my son turned 2 and transformed into a monster that screams for 15 minutes every time he sees an iPad-so now I have to hide it.

Ok, sure.This is just trash?Ooh an Octopus and a dollar.I got these after my eardrums ruptured during a flight because I have a sinus infection but I have not had to use them since so I have no idea if help.

Granny PottyMouth gave me a business card so big it is obviously a postcard.There are actually lots of business cards in the drawer.I like how she’s just sort of vaguely gesturing at a cloud of pink.

Stickers here.This is a bunch of lens cloths that I got from an optometrist fan on tour.I never clean my glasses though because ,as previously mentioned,I am oblivious to everything.More stickers.Oh my God-I’m only two burritos away from a free burrito, I had no idea this was in here .

Oh God,this is the list of people I need to write thank you cards to for helping me with my book in one way or another.Now I’m stressed out just knowing that it exists.Gah-sorry.

This is actually something that should be in here;it’s nice to have a notebook.Here are some notes from my creator track keynote at VidCon Australia last year.

This is a fart noise machine.John,I’m a 39 year old man and I can’t bring myself to throw away a fart noise machine.It doesn’t even have batteries.

Another sticker.I’m pretty sure that this card was supposed to give me access to FX’s streaming platform but I could not be bothered to type in the code.Anybody else want it?Ok,here are some more stickers.Cables.Cables.Cables. Cables.Cables.Cables.Cables.What the frick is this this one for?Pens.Pens.Pens.Pens.Pens.Fancy pen.

And here are two of the most complex and astounding objects created by humans that I threw into a drawer because I was done with them and I couldn’t be bothered to spend 20 minutes finding them new homes-I’m a terrible person.

I have heard that everybody wants a rock to wind a piece of string around so I have one of those.

Oh my God, Gilbert.You might be thinking right now:that’s actually the first enamel pin we’ve found.Don’t worry I keep them all in this Snitch Witches box;everyone should Snitch Witches box for there enamel pins.Look at them all-I don’t have a problem.Hey, if you’re into enamel pins and wanna help some work this community is doing to help decrease world maternal mortality in Sierra Lione, the pin club is open for just 2 more days.$12 a month,free shipping anywhere in the world.

These are the dice I used in Titansgrave.I’m glad I had somewhere to put them,I didn’t lose them.Look at them.Eugh memories.

Oh great a cufflink.I definitely need cuff links and this is a shoe lace?Just getting to the dregs now.These frickin things.Does anybody use these?.The only thing they do is go in frickin drawers.Oh, a lone loose puzzle piece.I’m sure that’s not a problem.

And this-frickin usless metal that my government is too busy being terrible to not get rid of.Cool.Cool.Cool

So what did we have?22 business cards and 1 business postcard,2 flash frives,8 writing utensils,1 D20,two lip balms  and some cold sore medication,a bunch of ear bud replacements and other ear things,6 miscellaneous peripheralls,1 recipe for pot roast,a bunch of actual trash,17 stickers,4 cards to daddy,so many cables,$1 and like 60 cents,like $1,200 of electronics.

So now how’s about we make some actual decisions because I’m not a child.Oh God,that feels so much better,except for,frick ,fine you go back in too.

Again it’s your last chance to sign up for a DFTBA bizarre beasts pin pal club.

John,I’ll see you on Tuesday