Good morning Hank, it's Thursday August 16th which means that I only have eight days left to be young. Hank, today I'm rocking the Albino Squirrel Preservation Society coming to you out of Texas.

Everyone knows that albino squirrels are the nerds of squirreldom so it falls to us to protect them.

I've got a lot of hair. It's almost like I'm making up for not having hair somewhere else.

Hank, before we get to the end of my punishment I'd like to do a kind of two part retro edition of Brotherhood 2.0.

Retro Item Number One: The Brotherhood 2.0 Book Club is back! That's right Hank, after months of delay I am finally reading Deep Economy by Bill McKibben. Review to come shortly but so far I like it.

Retro Item Number Two: The Evil Baby Orphanage. Hank, the Evil Baby Orphanage is like Evil Baby Rasputin: no matter how hard you try, you can't kill it! Just a little joke for all the Russian History nerdfighters.

Hank, I don't know if you know this but yesterday was the anniversary of the death of noted Evil Lady Baby Queen Ranavalona. Hank, I don't want to brag, but I just said "noted Evil Lady Baby" really really well. This news came to my attention via Secret Sisters Katie and Liz who made Queen Ranavalona a wonderful Happy Deathday cake!

Hank, I haven't had a lot of time to think about the Evil Baby Orphanage in the last couple of months because I've been doing nothing but working on 'Paper Towns', but Hank, I want you to know that I still think the Evil Baby Orphanage has tremendous potential as some kind of creative project and I think that the nerdfighters are doing a great job in My Pants of talking about it.

On to my punishment!

Hank, in order for you to understand the difficulty involved in me licking a cat, I have created this helpful diagram. Over here you will see people in the world you own a cat. Over here you will see people I know and here you will see people in Indianapolis. Does that say "people" or "poople"? (laughs)

As you can see, Hank, there are some people in Indianapolis who I know, and there are some people in Indianapolis who own cats and there are some people I know who own cats, but there is no-one I know in Indianapolis who owns a cat. And therein lies the dilemma.

Fortunately for us, Hank, there is a fourth circle: nerdfighters! There are nerdfighters who live in Indianapolis, there are nerdfighters who own cats and there are nerdfighters I know! It's the ultimate circle! So thanks to the generosity of nerdfighter Maire, or Mary (M-A-I-R-E? I don't know). That nerdfighter, who is of course made of awesome, hooked me up with some people in Indianapolis who have a cat named Toby, which I am going to go lick this afternoon.

Hank, I think it says something about the great people of the city of Indianapolis that perfect strangers like Jen and Dave would welcome me into their home and let me lick their cat.

Hank that's Toby. And here are Toby's wonderful owners!

[Jen] Hi Hank!
[Dave] Hey Hank!
[Jen, holding cat] Maybe on the head.
[John] Maybe on the head he won't notice. Alright Toby. This is nothing personal. [licks] Okay.
[Jen?] Wanna get a tongue shot?
[John] Yeah. A cat has been licked, Hank, and my punishment is finished, and I'll see you tomorrow.

Anyway Hank, I'm extremely grateful to all the nerdfighters in Indianapolis who offered to help me to find a way to lick a cat because my back up plan was to go to PetSmart and be like, "hey, do you mind if I look at that kitten?" and then they'd give it to me me and I'd be like [licks] and then I'd run!