Hank: Hello and welcome to Hank and John play FIFA 11. I'm Germany, the white people, and John is the Netherlands, the orange people.
John: And, uh...
Hank: Oh, he just stole the ball from me.
John: The game is tied at 1.
Hank: We're halfway through a game.
John: We're in the beginning of the second half, and...
Hank: We're so...they run so fast. Their little legs are so fast...
John: And Holland is about to shock the world. Wouldn't actually be that big of a surprise.
Hank: No, yeah.
John: These are evenly matched clubs.
Hank: It's...ah, I think that Germany's a little better.
John: No, I completely disagree. OH NO!
Hank: Oh, you're so bad at soccer! Oh my god!
John: OH NO! It's still a breakaway.
Hank: Gotta get that.
John: You could hardly have done worse.
Hank: I know, really, I...
John: I'm, I mean...
Hank: I'm not sure what happened.
John: All of Germany is mourning in humiliation.
Hank: Oh! Now even more so. Okay. Don't do your beautiful cross. No beautiful crosses.
John: Oh, that wasn't very good. That wasn't very good.
Hank: Oh, what are you, what? What what what?
John: Come on, that's got to be a foul.
Hank: Nah.
John: That many people touching me? Feels like a foul.
Hank: I mean...there's too many! No touching!
John: Touched by two.
Hank: Oh, stop touching...stop with the touching. Ah. Two people, the double teaming, you just can't get around.
John: You see Maureen's new meme is called, we're talking about Maureen Johnson, my friend and fellow author, her new meme is a "questionable purchase or bad band name?" And the first one was "cheap milk." It is such a bad purchase. Like, talk about something I want to pay full price for. Definitely, I want to pay every dime that milk costs.
Hank: Oh! Did that go off your goalie, or was that just a bad shot?
John: I think it was a bad...oh, it went off my goalie. Oh no, corner kicks, you always score off of corner kicks. Now I'm terrified.
Hank: Get up there boys, get up there! They're my boys. I call them boys.
John: Come on.
Hank: You gotta get it back into the white! Oh man. So much harder when you're not using A.
John: Oh, here we go. Just gotta get a great cross in. Which is admittedly not my specialty.
Hank: Nope! No. Oh, keep going, though.
John: I lost it, I lost it.
Hank: I didn't realize when my man stopped running, it was because...
John: The ball was not catch-able.
Hank: Yes. Oh, oh...Rochberger (?). People have funny names. Oh, go get the ball!
John: So do you, you're named after a color. Maybe you should...
Hank: What's wrong with being named after a color? It's a long-storied tradition. There's blues and browns and blacks...and greens.
John: There's also yellows.
Hank: Yellows?
John: There's some purples.
Hank: I've never met a purple.
John: I know some purples.
Hank: That's gotta be a foul.
John: Yeah, they gave you the advantage.
Hank: Oh, come on! Get it to the man! Get it to the...
John: Oh, it's beautiful...
Hank: Oh, it's never gonna work. Never gonna work.
John: It never works. That's the problem.
Hank: OHH!
John: Oh, I was so close to success.
Hank: That was a scary moment for me.
John: I was so close to an epic goal. Uhm, the only goal...
Hank: GET IT UP TO HIM, GET IT UP TO HIM, YOU'RE ONSIDES, YOU'RE ONSIDES...GAH GEH...HOLD ON TO THE BALL YOU SLOW-PANTS. Agh. Man. I just gave myself blood pressure.
John: You just gave yourself blood pressure?
Hank: I did.
John: I'm glad, because it's much better than the alternative, which is no blood pressure.
Hank: Can feel my, can feel my blood pressures.
John: Ogh, I am getting really...I feel like you have 100% of the possession, and my boys are just running around chasing you. And that's not good. Agh! Thank you Lord.
Hank: Just slammed your goalie in the chest.
John: Thank you. What?
Hank: What's happening? What? Hey? Ho? Hey ho? Hey ho. This team has got to go.
John: For dissent?
Hank: Hey hey. What's happening? I don't know what happened. Do I get a penalty kick?
John: No. But you do get a corner kick, and you always score from corner kicks.
Hank: Oh, come on. I should...I don't get a freakin...that's ridiculous! I was in, I was shooting and you got a foul. I should get...
John: No, I think that it was for dissent or something. Oh, how did you miss that?
Hank: I don't know! It's cuz I didn't, like, mash B, so it's like...
John: I am just hanging on by the skin of my teeth.
Hank: I don't know. My team's a little better than yours. Uh oh. This is bad. Nope it's not. It's fine.
John: He's fouled! He's fouled on the edge of the box.
Hank: Was he in the box?
John: No.
Hank: Alright. This is fine. You're not gonna score on this. No chance.
John: I literally don't know how, you're right, so...
Hank: Oh, I can shift my little guys...wow, wow!
John: Good save there, by the keeper.
Hank: The peeper? You call him a peeper?
John: Keeper, Hank, keeper.
Hank: We should call them peepers.
John: No, peepers don't have any place in this game.
Hank: That was in!
John: That was a save.
Hank: Yeah.
John: Okay.
Hank: You always score on corners.
John: Not really. Ah!
Hank: Alright, boys. Oh, there was...I didn't know if I had another guy up there. I did. Uh oh. Uh oh.
John: Oh, Wesley Sneijder!
Hank: Wesley Snipes-er!
John: Wesley Sneijder never...Snipes-er. (Laughing).
Hank: No?
John: He's in jail for tax evasion. It's funny because he's in prison.
Hank: It's funny because he's in prison. It's funny because...he's not related to soccer. He's mostly good at vampire-killing.
John: Oh, Wesley Snipesters!
Hank: How do you know which guy it is?
John: Uh...it's just from the way they run. Does that make me too much of a soccer fan? I don't know, I messed up Fernando Torres yesterday.
Hank: Boys, oh, oh...!
John: OHHH! Great save.
Hank: You gotta get on that. Come on.
John: Great save boys.
Hank: That's just gotta be a goal, guys.
John: It's just a great save. Great save. That's all it is, Hank. You can't...oh, boy, that was not a good pass. You can't do anything about great keeping.
Hank: Grr. I could shoot better. I mean, soccer players make that goal every time.
John: Yeah, I think that you're probably not waiting the shot right or something...
Hank: Or aiming in the right direction.
John: Or aiming in the right direction or whatever. We don't really know how to score...which is evidenced
Hank: Yeah, which is why we've stopped defending, and still have a 1-1 game.
John: Oh, come on. This is frustrating. I mean, you definitely outplayed me in this game. I'm happy to admit it. But, uh, I'd still like to win.
Hank: Uh! Still! What was that?
John: Unnecessary slide tackle.
Hank: I was trying to block the ball.
John: Beautiful unnecessary slide tackle.
Hank: It would have been great if had got past your goalie and then I blocked it.
John: (laughing) That would have been awesome. That would have been a quintessential Hank and John play FIFA moment.
Hank: Ooh! Hajijijij...(gibberish)
John: Right at the death, right at the death!!
Hank: No! What was that cross?
John: Right as the game was gonna end. Great save...
Hank: Oh, come on!
John: Wow. That would have been a great goal.
Hank: That was a horrible, horrible bunch of boohickey.
John: Can we stop that?
Hank: I don't know what that is. I don't know how I did that. I don't know what happened. Boohickey. That was a...thank you.
(John laughs loudly)
Hank: I HIT THE WRONG BUTTON! OH MY GOD I HIT X.
John: My whole life flashed before my eyes. You turned off your controller for the millionth time.
Hank: Why does that keep happening?
John: Can you please turn your controller on?
Hank: My batteries aren't in it right.
John: Oh, yeah, right, or maybe you're just throwing it around like a crazy person. (Assorted laughter). Could be either.
Hank: That's never happened to me before.
(Announcer: That could have been a really awkward moment.)
Hank: Really awkward moment.
John: Really awkward moment.
Hank: This is another awkward...oh, come on! That's gotta be a foul.
John: It is a foul.
Hank: But you got me before I got in the goal box.
John: Ah, geez. This is nerve-wracking. There's nothing I can do except hope that you don't make it.
Hank: Oh, that was the idea! That was the idea, and it was a good one. Oh, I thought I was controlling the other guy, I had that guy just run out of bounds. He just ran behind the goal. Completely useless. Also completely useless. This strategy does not work, John.
John: Well, none of my other strategies work either, to be fair, so, it's not like I'm making some kind of bold decision.

John: Okay, that's the end.
Hank: Uh, no it's not, we get to play PKs now.
(John groans).
Hank: Or overtime.
John: We get to play overtime and then possibly PKs. So are we gonna do a third video?
Hank: No, I think we should do the overtime in this one.
John: We're gonna keep going.
Hank: We're gonna keep going.

John: We're gonna keep going. Here we are in overtime.
Hank: Here it is. Overtime time.
John: That means there's 30 minutes of extra time. If no one scores, that means penalty kicks, the dreaded penalty kicks. No one wants it to go to penalties.
Hank: Oh! Why did you stop moving, you dork monger?
John: OH NO, I HAD IT! I just, I unnecessarily jigged and jogged.
Hank: Ooh. Apparently the ball went off you, though. Get up there! Get...yes! Yes. Nicely done sir, keeping possession, you're so good at soccer.
John: Oh, shnargazboozga.
Hank: That was not as good.
John: That was an unnecessary slide tackle.
Hank: Oh yeah.
John: That was a necessary slide tackle.
Hank: Yeah, that was good. I don't do it very often, you'll notice. But when there's a good...WHAT?
John: Oh, almost! He was in with a chance! 
Hank: Where's the ball? Oh my god.
John: Oh man.
Hank: It got a lot more crowded on this field, I don't know what's going on.
John: Can I get some...
Hank: Oh, that was a horrible horrible cross, you had such a great chance!
John: Oh no. Feeling very anxious all of a sudden.
Hank: Get in the box. Get in the box and shoot it. Oh. I make the fellas say...ohhh Bo. Pick it up.
John: What's that song?
Hank: Bo Burnham.
John: Oh. I like Bo Burnham. He's a nice kid.
Hank: He seems like a pretty cool guy.
John: Oh no! Agh.
Hank: Ooh. Ah. Ooh. Ah. Eeh. Ah. No. Get that.
John: Good pass. Good pass.
Hank: It is a good pass. You're right. It was a good pass. But then I knocked it right into your guy's...
John: Now you get a corner.
Hank: Now I get a corner, I always score on corners.
John: You do. You have scored 100% of your goals this game on corners.
Hank: Oh, that was too hard. That was too hard. Get it in there! Off the top of the goal.
John: That wasn't too hard. That was nice.
Hank: Ugh. Well, it wasn't going in.
John: Alright. Three minutes left in this period of overtime. Then we're...
Hank: And when he says minutes, he means FIFA minutes.
John: Like, 40 seconds.
Hank: Oh, that was such a good chance. Get back there...come on, come on...oh, they're so...you're so...you're everywhere. Why are there so many of your guys?
John: It's the Dutch. They play total football. Have I mentioned that?
Hank: They play TOTAL football. Total. Total Brand Oatmeal.
(Laughter)
John: OH NO!
Hank: Thread the little needle.
John: Such...I mean, I am playing so poorly.
Hank: My guys are so tired now.

John: Alright, so...
Hank: They're so tired...they're barely even moving.
John: Well, we haven't even made any substitutions. 

John: So, alright, we're going to the second half of extra time. And, somebody's gonna score, or we're going to penalties, which, I have to say, strongly favors team Green, and Green I mean orange. Hank, of course, has never made a penalty...
Hank: I've made one!
John: ...in the history of FIFA.
Hank: I've made one.
John: Uh, no...
Hank: I did! I made one, and then you made two.
John: Oh, and then I made two. You're right. Okay. So Hank has made one penalty, I've made two. So...
Hank: You've made three.
John: Right, but there was a strong advantage there for me.
Hank: But I'm not getting any better, it feels like.
John: Yeah, it also feels like I'm not getting any better at the game, generally.
Hank: It does feel that way.
John: I wouldn't say that I'm improving at all. I had to do it!
Hank: Off your nuts. Right off your nuts.
John: I had to do it, I had to take it in the nuts, and I did it, because that's why you do when you play for a team.
Hank: Oh, well done sir! You knew exactly what I was doing and you...
John: Well, there was only one guy.
Hank: And you made it not happen. That's really annoying, I didn't like it. Ahhh, it's off me.
John: This is frustrating.
Hank: It's fine.
John: Okay.
Hank: You're mine...you're not mine. I changed my mind about you being mine.
John: OH NO!
Hank: Never mind, I was right about you being mine! Sorry.
(John groans, disappointed)
Hank: Get it up to that guy...that was not the guy I meant. No, that was also not the guy I meant. Everybody's turning around.
John: Get...GOSH! Frustrating. Sorry. This probably isn't very fun to watch...
Hank: Did you see that? Did you see that?
John: Just mutual frustration.
Hank: Did you see that beautiful pass?
John: We're not entertaining because we're too frustrated.
Hank: THERE'S NOBODY HERE! Now there's people here. There's lots of people here. GET THE GOAL IN THE GOAL. Get the goal in the goal! It's fine, it's very entertaining.
John: I don't think it is entertaining.
Hank: We're hilarious in brotherly love (sound of punching)
John: OW! Ow. God, that really hurt.
Hank: Did it really? Did you have, like, a shot?
John: Yes, that's why I hit you back.
Hank: Do you have like a shot there?
John: No, it's just mostly that it's bad form. And plus, we just arm-wrestled earlier, so I'm a little sore there.
(Hank laughs)
John: Come on! This is ridiculous. Alright, last minute. Finally, we're just gonna go to penalties.
(Hank groans)
John: Just like we always do. It's so predictable.
Hank: AWW MAN. Passing. Come on.
John: OR ARE WE?
Hank: OH MY GOD NO NO NO NO
John: OH NO! OH THAT'S THE WORST! Off the post!
Hank: Get it down the field! Down the field!
John: Off the post!

Hank: Oh my God.
John: Oh man, what a way to end the game!
Hank: I thought that was hilarious.
John: Alright, now we're gonna have penalties. It's going to penalties.
Hank: Oh no. This is a long video now.
John: Let's just get this over with.
Hank: Get it over with.
John and Hank: Okay.

Hank: Is that you? That's you.
John: Van Persie's first.
Hank: I don't even know how to control the goalie either!
John: I missed, if that makes you feel any better. Oh no, I'm in. I'm in.
Hank: No you didn't miss. You didn't miss. That was not a...I don't know how to control the freakin goalie!
John: You use this. To move.
Hank: That's what I've done!
John: Hank, please stop turning that off!
Hank: I don't, it's broken! It's like, these things are designed for, like, bombs to go off!
John: Are they really?
Hank: Yeah, man, because people, like, treat them horribly.
John: Alright.
Hank: I hit B.
John: Yeah, I don't know why we weren't seeing your little...
Hank: My little thing wasn't on. My little thing wasn't on.
John: Well, sorry. I don't know what to say.
Hank: John doesn't see it as a dramatic injustice. But, like, to make him, like, jump in a direction? Oh, okay, so I just, like, walk over, like...
John: I don't know, I guess there's probably a way to make him jump, maybe one of these guys?
Hank: Maybe one of those guys. Alright, I've got my thing this time, that's good. Oh, that was too much. That was too hot.
John and Hank: Nope.
John: Perfect. I just wasn't standing in the right place. Oh, Dirk Kuyt, the greatest player in the world.
Hank: Oh, the greatest player in the world hit it right at the goalie's face. I could have not moved my hand.
John: Yeahhhh...this is not going particularly well for Holland right now.
Hank: Oh, God, you gotta get it further over. How...ugh.
John: We don't know, Hank.
Hank: We don't know.
John: We're not good enough at the game to be able to answer that question.
Hank: Alright. And you're going, and I'm going to go this way. I went right.
John: You were right, you guessed right. You probably glanced down at my fingers.
Hank: I didn't! I did not look at your fingers.
John: Alright.
Hank: Alright. Oh, way way too hard. And also no direction. Straight down the middle.
John: I mean, this is definitely a significant improvement.
Hank: Is it?
John: Over, well, we made a penalty.
Hank: Yeah. It's hilarious...
John: I don't know how I'm not making these.
Hank: He's just like scooching over...
John: Anyway, I...
Hank: My controller hasn't started vibrating yet, so I know it's not a big deal...
John: My controller's vibrating, so this is a big deal.
Hank: Oh, big deal for you.
John: I have to make this save, or I lose.
Hank: I know. I pushed over so hard!
John: Saved. Saved.
Hank: I pushed all the way over and I held it there.
John: Alright, we gotta keep going. Hank!
Hank: You can't be mad at me, this is not my fault.
John: Well, let's switch controllers, and we'll find out if it's your fault.
Hank: Well, no, cuz then we're switching teams!
John: Oh yeah. Well, I'm all for that right now.
(Announcer: And the keeper's the hero here!)
Hank: The keeper's the hero here!
John: I mean, you gotta just guess right, I guess. Like...
Hank: Yeah, I think that it's much about guessing right. Or left. Alright.
John: Okay.
Hank: Play the game now.
John: Will this be Hank's first win?
Hank: Again, way too hard.
John: Wow.
Hank: And again, like, no lateral movement. Oh, you tried to fake me! And then you're so sad about it! The faking was intense.
John: That was not good. I don't know how I did that, and I don't want to do it again.
Hank: Is that still too hard...? No, that is a goal!
John: You win!
Hank: That is a goal!
John: Germany wins in a cowardly penalty shoot-out.
Hank: Oh, look at our little guys, they're so happy.
John: Thank you for coming and watching HankGames. Sorry that we could not provide a more entertaining spectacle.
Hank: You will not see us, and we will not see you, but you will hear us next time on Hank and John play FIFA! I'm maybe am gonna figure out what's wrong with his controller, and John is going to get better at the game, and then we are going to come back and play more games.
John: Bye.
Hank: Bye.

Holland: Van Persie (23')
Ger: Mertesacker (34')

Penalties:
Holland: O X X X X (van Persie)
Ger: X O X X X O(Schweinsteiger, Friedrich)