(WikiWars intro)

Florence: Welcome back to WikiWars. I'm Florence White-

Bob: and I'm Bob Seymour.

Florence: Today we have one of the most highly anticipated battles of the season.

Bob: That's right, Florence. We have John Green from the Vlogbrothers matching up against Andrew Gregory, the defending Gregory champion.

Florence: Both nerds at the top of their game.

Andrew: Andrew Gregory. Swarthmore College. Defending champion. Religion, with a special focus on the anthropology of South Eastern Asia.

John: John Green. Kenyon College. Religious studies. (pause) Also, English literature.

Bob: Well we've got two religion majors and we're about to see who God loves more!

Florence: Let's go to the field where Referee McGee is starting the match.

Referee McGee: Alright boys. Let's have a nice, clean game. Play nice. Play fair. No kicking under the table. You have to get to the other page by using only hyperlinks, Apple F and apple bracket or the back button.

Referee McGee: Alright. 

John: Cheers!

Referee McGee: May the nerdiest man win. (everyone claps) Are you ready for your first match?

John: We're ready.

Referee McGee: The subject for the first page is twerking. Are you both on twerking?

John: I'm on twerking.

Referee McGee: The second page, your destination page, is copper. As in the substance that pennies are made out of.

Bob: And they're off. Now, this may be the first time I've seen a video on a Wikipedia page!

Florence: Very interesting. This could be a real sand trap. John Green clicking away immediately, while Andrew seems to be a little mesmerized by twerking. 

Bob: Many great men have fallen for that very reason. Samson, Oedipus, Anthony Weiner, Robin Thicke...

Florence: And many women too.

Bob: Yes, and as you can see here, it's also one of the biggest exercise crazes of 2013. Along with prancer size, of course.

Florence: Andrew using his extensive language of African minerals to his advantage.

Bob: Yes, you never know when you're going to need to pull the mineral card out of your back-pocket.

Florence: Why, just yesterday, I got out of a speeding ticket by chatting about zinc!

Bob: And now John is in the realm of metal, as well!

Florence: Neck-and-neck. Very exciting!

Bob: Yes. It's as though John is sinking a third three pointer, while Andrew is seeking a field goal.

Florence: I mean I understand your analogy Bob, but they really are inferior sports.

Bob: Haha. You're damn right Florence. That's why WikiWars is America's favorite past-time.

Florence: Now, this is interesting, Bob. They both seem to have hit a plateau around the same time.

Bob: Yes, and is this because of poorly linked articles or simply because of a lack of knowledge about the Kingdom of Luba?

Florence: I do love to scuba down Luba.

Bob: Luba doesn't even exist anymore, Florence. And even if it did, everybody knows that's a grassy marshland.

Florence: Fine.

Bob: Oh! And Andrew misses copper! That may really hurt him later.

Florence: John clearly panicking.

John: "Panic."

Bob: With good reason. Ninety instances of the word metal on this page. I don't see a single hyperlink.

Florence: That's apple effing unlucky!

Bob: Andrew's onto metal. (Florence inhales sharply) Will he make it all the way?

John: Oh, for the love of god.

Andrew: I'm there.

Bob: He will!

Florence: He did!

John: Oh. I am also there.

?: Andrew called "I'm there" before you. 

John: He was there. No, Andrew- Andrew was there before I was.

Andrew: Oh.

?: Valiant. Valiant though.

John: I'll tell you what doesn't link to fucking copper. Metal detector!

Andrew: Do you know what else doesn't link to copper?

John: What?

Andrew: Is the Kingdom of Luba. The pre-colonial central African state. Despite the fact that it's main export was copper. 

(John laughs)

Referee McGee: Your first page will be David Tennant. As in the 10th Doctor Who.

John: Oh, I know who David Tennant is. Thank you though. This bodes well for me.

Andrew: Off sides. Illegal tabs! You got two tabs open. 

Andrew: Oh. I was just um- I was just curious about Lucian Freud. And um- his role in English painting.

Referee McGee: Oh, I didn't know it sold for that much. Your second page will be the 95 theses.

Florence: Andrew will likely take his signature geographic route. Oh yes, he does. Unfortunately he does not realize David Tennant is actually Scottish.

Bob: In a sport in which every second counts, that could really cost him. Now, it looks like John knows that Harry Potter fans write some of the most-thoroughly linked Wikipedia articles,

Florence: You should see the article for Quidditch. It's a beauty to behold.

Bob: (laughs) Oh, I have seen it. In my time announcing, it's come up at least four dozen times.

Florence: Andrew is still on the BBC page. I'm beginning to wonder if he thinks the 95 theses is the prequel to Downton Abbey. 

Bob: Give him a little credit, Florence. And it looks like John is just about three clicks away-

John: There.

Bob: Tremendous!

(everyone ooooh's and claps)

Referee McGee: The two religion majors pitted up against each other. (John laughs)

Andrew: That was- that was- I was crushed.

John: I went through Harry Potter, and I suspected you didn't.

Andrew: No!

John: Yeah that's always- Harry Potter is always the way. Harry Potter to fantasy to supernatural to um- Lutheranism to the 95 theses.

Andrew: That is going to make Lutheran so mad.

Referee McGee: The starting point will be solar power. It's that thing where you get energy from the sun. Your end point - for all the marbles - will be General Custer.

Bob: You can feel the tension in the air. There's just so much weighing on this last round!

Florence: There really is, Bob. John dealt a blow to Andrew's ego in Round 2 by beating him in their shared area of specialty.

Bob: Yes, it was all over so fast. I don't care how much wiki experience you have. That kind of defeat, can really affect your play down the stretch!

Florence: Now, I wonder if John's secondary strategy of carousing might be a factor to consider here as well.

Bob: We did see John walking with a six-pack, and I think five of them went to Andrew! But he seems to be back on his game now! He's in the US while John is stuck in the sciences!

Florence: Oh, if only the page for photovoltaic was written by a Harry Potter fan-boy!

Bob: Andrew's stuck in the citations. This may be a long match!

Florence: And now he's scrolling erratically. I just don't know what to make of this.

Bob: It really isn't like him. Yuengling is a hell of a drug!

Andrew: Oh, golly gosh.

John: I'm nowhere. I'm essentially- I'm essentially- I'm gone!

?: Stay in there, Green!

John: Can someone link to the United States Wikipedia page?!

Bob: Some uncharacteristic conversation on the court.

Florence: Neither player employing a very good poker face.

Bob: I understand the comparison, Florence, but poker is a child's game, and this is a grown-ass sport!

Florence: Why are you yelling, Bob?

Bob: Because I have passion! You should try it some time!

Florence: I have passion, too.

Bob: Why is your hand on my leg? Oh, and John's onto the French and Indian wars!

Florence: Yes, he's virtually tied with Andrew, who's on American Indian wars.

Bob: Yes, but who will come out on top?

Florence: Andrew's searching Custer. Is it there?

Bob: Is it there?

Andrew: I'm there!

Everyone: Ahhhh!

John: Ahhh! (Sarah comforts John)

Andrew: Really get the heart- the heart right up. I got lost in a painting about the declaration of independence. They didn't link to the declaration of independence!

John: -fucking Custer! I was a link away! I just- I panicked!

Andrew: You know what, John? I'm just gonna say that the sense of victory I feel right now... is the lack of sense of victory that Apollo Creed must have felt (John laughs) after the fight - he thought he was Rocky. Because I feel like I've walked away the loser, really.

John: It's been an honor. Yeah, it's great to lose to you. (everyone claps)

(WikiWars flames)

Buddy: Andrew, congratulations on a great match. That last round was really a doozy. You were ahead from the start, sort of let John back into the door... Could you tell us, what was going on in your head at that point?

Andrew: You know, first of all, I just wanna send my utmost thanks to the J W on high - Jimmy Wales. There's a reason he has the greatest head shot on all of Wikipedia, 'cause he's the man, the creator, the founder of Wikipedia. That last match, you know, I thought it'd be easier to get to Indians from the Declaration of Independence, but I got lost in a painting. Sometimes you wanna command F, the command F, you know, really F's you up! I just got lost down in the- the hyperlinks. It's not gonna happen again in the next round.

Buddy: Well, congratulations on your championship! A fantastic match. (shake hands)

Buddy: John, you played an incredible match. How do you feel like- being an away-game, was there a home-field advantage for the Gregory's here tonight?

John: Oh, absolutely. I mean, they have more experience with Wikipedia. They have more experience with their own computers... I didn't feel totally comfortable - my screen was smaller than Andrew's screen. I'm not making excuses - I'm acknowledging facts.

Buddy: Well, the match may have gone Andrew, but you claimed bragging rights in your own area of expertise!

John: That's right. So I feel like uh, where my knowledge shone through, I was clearly the dominant player. It was in the- look, I'm not gonna be able to go to anything from twerking. That's not who I am as a person, that's not who I am as a WikiWars player, so.... I- I'm disappointed I didn't win, but uh, I feel like I did Kenyon College proud tonight.

Buddy: Congratulations on a great match! Back to you, Florence.

Florence: Thanks Buddy. A thrilling conclusion to the battle of the nerds. Thanks for joining us here on Wiki Network.

Bob: And stay tuned next week for the celebrity match-up of Brian Cranston versus Drake. Sponsored by the Kingdom of Luba, grasslands galore! Book your travel today!