Dr. Lindsey Doe: I'm Dr Lindsey Doe, this is Sexplanations. This is Mike Falzone - he has his own channel and a book and he's hilarious, so we're going to talk about boners.

Mike Falzone: Thank you for saying all that stuff. Especially the boner part. 

*laughter*

-- Intro Cut Scene --

Mike Falzone: You know, for certain, that we're not just going to start the video on boner stuff.

Dr. Doe: Really?

Mike Falzone: (*laughing*) I want you...

Dr. Doe: I'm here, I'm like, we're going on boners!

Mike Falzone: I want to talk about your day so badly!

Dr. Doe: Okay, I'm ... he's going to cut it out.

Mike Falzone: Even just the Twitter version!

Dr. Doe: I just got back from three hours in the dungeon, my back is feeling a little raw, and so is my heart.

Mike Falzone: Good. Perfect. What did you want to talk about? First Boners? I dunno. Six? Five? When do you get them for the first time? I remember being in the bathtub.

Dr. Doe: In the womb.

Mike Falzone: Do you really?

Dr. Doe: Mmm-hmm.

Mike Falzone: Oh that's amazing! So probably... maybe I just thought it was a bathtub. The first one I remember, though, was in a bathtub, because it was like a little like a submarine periscope, you know?


Dr. Doe: What is happening here? It was detached from your body?

Mike Falzone: The tip was the periscope! Well, I'm like, you know, like that..

Dr. Doe: You're lying down, and you're getting your boner to like...


Mike Falzone: Sure.

Dr. Doe: (*laughter*)

Mike Falzone: Just my shoulders and my head and my neck are all in the same place, maybe my arms are out of the tub, like on top, but my hips are moving around (*laughing*) and I'm making like motor noises in the water. That was probably it.

Dr. Doe: That's like a great boner story!

Mike Falzone: Okay guys, subscribe for more, make sure to leave your comments down in the comments.

Dr. Doe: Is that your most memorable boner story?

Mike Falzone: Have you had other people who have like... remembered boners, like 96....

Dr. Doe: Well one of my boner stories is that I was hooking up with a guy, and I went to like feel a penis for the very first time as a pubescent person...

Mike Falzone: Sure

Dr. Doe: And there was like...boxers? and then tighty-whiteys, and then the boner?

Mike Falzone: That's too much. Well that's not really - 

Dr. Doe: Well because he was constantly trying to hide it!

Mike Falzone: Oooooh!!!!

Dr. Doe: Because he was getting erections all the time. and he was like compressing it.

Mike Falzone: *laughing* serial erections! I was gonna correct you and say like "oh, this isn't a boner story, it's a underwear story. It's just too many pairs of underwear!" So I remember when I was in like, I want to say 7th Grade, we had... we had gym uniforms. So we had a t-shirt and shorts they had to wear. Did you guys have that?

Dr. Doe: Yep.

Mike Falzone: Am I not supposed to reference Matthew at all? Do they know he's there?

Dr. Doe: *laughing* No, of course!

Mike Falzone: Okay, perfect. Our t-shirts were just like t-shirts, and then our shorts were like really thin like grey, sweatshorts. I've never worn anything like them since. It was like t-shirt material that they fashioned into shorts.

Dr. Doe: Yeah, Yeah. Exactly.

Mike Falzone: Oh, so everyone had the same experience. My God.

Dr. Doe: Well how old are you?

Mike Falzone: I'm 31, I'm going to be 32 this month.

Dr. Doe: I'm 34. So we had the gym shorts and passed them on to you. They were the same ones. Nobody washing them or anything.

Mike Falzone: Extra medium shorts. I never like got a boner in the shorts, that I remember, but you could like see everything, you know? Because they were like thin like they were like wax paper shorts.

Dr. Doe: Do you not wear underwear?

Mike Falzone: No, I totally did, but I didn't wear 17 pairs like your friend! *laughing* So, I remember I would go out into class, and this girl, I don't want to say her name, but was Tiffany Dasouza

Dr Doe: *laughing*

Mike Falzone: She came up to me and she goes "uh... do you have a boner right now?" and those girls were just kind of like getting comfortable talking about boners or "bonniers" as we call them in this house. And so she came up to me and she was like "Do you have a boner right now?" and I was was like "uhhhh... no?" and then her and her friends giggled and like ran away.

Dr. Doe: And you didn't have one?

Mike Falzone: I didn't!

Dr. Doe: That's your boner story.

Mike Falzone: I was like "that's" - yeah! - and I was like bummed out, I was like "no it's much cooler when it's the other way! This is just regular type!" 

Dr. Doe: Quick! Quick!

Mike Falzone: "Do Something!!!" I don't remember like ever being like embarrassed...

Dr. Doe: That's awesome.

Mike Falzone: I don't remember ever like, getting them at weird times. I've probably had them when I shouldn't have had them...

Dr. Doe: Like the funeral boner.

Mike Falzone: Funeral Boner. You guys don't get funeral boners?

Dr. Doe: i haven't been to enough funerals. So any advice to people who get erections? *laughing* Do you have like a smooth move, of like swipe the boner up into your waistband?

Mike Falzone: yeah, it's just a belt... it's just a belt situation.

Dr. Doe: You harness it in place.

Mike Falzone: Harness.... yeah yeah yeah.

Dr. Doe: until it... then it just falls down, naturally?

Mike Falzone: It kind of does! Yeah!

Dr. Doe: Okay.

Mike Falzone: It's like a dead frog.... sliding down a wall. Afterwards. Was that weird?

Dr. Doe: Have you had a massage where you get an erection?

Mike Falzone: No, you know what I'm doing during a massage? Checking in with myself so I don't. So that doesn't happen. Like "this person doesn't want you sexually!" *laughing* "this person is trying to help you relax. you get your stupid mind out of the gutter."

Dr. Doe: You don't just let it go?

Mike Falzone: No man! Isn't that disrespectful?

Dr. Doe: No, I think they assume that you're going to get an erection.

Mike Falzone: Is that real? Is that universal???

Dr. Doe: They might even think like they're not doing a good job if you don't!

Mike Falzone: That can't possibly be true.

Dr. Doe: if any of you are massage therapists, please let us know.

Mike Falzone: Please! Yes! Hundred percent!

Dr. Doe: Erections?

Mike Falzone: That can't possibly be true.

Dr. Doe: You getting a massage, and then just because you're relaxed and feeling good and someone's touching you, you get an erection because you're, you know... equipped!

Mike Falzone: And you think that's old hat for them? You think like Day One, like "Okay Samantha, people are gonna get "bonniers!" when you touch them!"

Dr. Doe: Oh yeah. Yes. Yeah.

Mike Falzone: I would be... I would love to know the answer to that.

Dr. Doe: Definitely. Okay! If you have any erection questions, leave them for Mike and I in the comments!

Mike Falzone: Yeah.

Dr. Doe: Stay Curious!

Mike Falzone: Both experts. *laughter*

-- Outtakes --

Mike Falzone: You're my favorite person that I've met today. Without question. I got coffee earlier, and I said hello to a security guard, and you blew him out of the water.

Dr. Doe: *laughing*

Mike Falzone: Welcome back to Sexplanations, uh, I'm your host Matthew Gaydos, with me today is.. 

Dr. Doe: Lindsey Doe!

Mike Falzone: Lindsey, why don't you tell me and the rest of the internet about your day today. If this is their first video, it's their last one for sure.

Dr. Doe: *laughing*