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In which John is a dirty dirty boy. Hilarious. Support CrashCourse on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/crashcourse
Um... oh, we're recording? Oh god.

Hi, my name is John Green and this is Crash Course World Histo... whoops.

Ow! Hi, my name's, ow! My name's John Green and I'm the host of Crash Course World History and that hurt.

Hi there, my name's John Green. This is champagne in a plastic cup and today we're gonna talk about Egypt as you might have guessed from the hieroglyphics behind me. Pardon me, I'm drunk.

Hi there, my name is John Green. This is Crash Course... you wanna do that again?

Fall of Rome. According... ah, I screwed up.

Hi, I'm John Green, and today's... god, sorry, I missed my line.

[bleep] It doesn't matter.

Hi... I fell.

Ow! Jesus, this is a disaster.

Yay team! Go west! The west is the best! That wasn't very good.

Civilizations are also usually associated with so... socialized government. I wish.

Why river valleys? I don't know, why?

These days you can just bisect a segment of land horizontically... Horizontically? Horizontally.

Next week we will journey... ah, I missed it.

Next week we will journey... mmm, missed it again.

Next week we will journey... here? Dang it, I was really close that time. That one's for th... that one's for the gag reel.

Is that anti-feminist? To never talk about women except when I'm talking about how they're brutal, terrifying, and efficient?

All in the outtakes. Yeah, we have a lady here who says that there's nothing wrong with making fun of ladies, except for when you ignore them.

Ahh, I was so close there. I'm... I'm not... I'm not referencing Mark Twain, me from the past, I'm referencing... I'm not referencing Mar... I'm not referencing Mark Twain, me from the past, I'm referencing... I'm not referencing... I'm not referencing Mark Tw... I'm not referencing Mark Twain, me from the past, I'm referencing... I'm not referencing Mark... I'm not referencing Mark Twain, me from the past, I'm referencing Benjamin Franklin, who was probably himself referencing an... f*** it, that first one was fine.

I remembered in my own high school history class by thinking "hammer of Abi"... I like how I pointed to my head to indicate that I was thinking.

Not our best work.

In short... In short, Roman senate... Well, I don't know what I want to say. Stan, let's... [from back] Cut.

Rome would never again be ruled by a senate and two consuls. I mean, maybe in the future. I don't know... Berlusconi can get the job, God only knows what can happen.

Next week we will... mmm, I gotta start here. Next week we will travel... whoa, that was too fast... Let's just try to get it in one. Next week we will travel... nope.

[from back] We actually gonna shoot it on here?

Oh, that's why! I messed up! Ow.

Oh, that's why! [laughing] God! What is the issue?

[laughing] How much of that can you edit?

Hildegard of Bingen, who wrote all this important liturgical... ah, f*** buttons.

to 322 BCE. That's a period of time that historians call an "long-ass time". No, that wasn't good.

Lavant? Lavahnt? Lavant? Can you Google that ****?

An open letter... *pop* Oh, wow, that whoopee cushion did not work.

Oh, fart jokes. When you fail, you fail dramatically.

What if I forgot my line, though?

But his son, Darius the First, was even greater. He extended Persian control east to our old friend the Indus River, north to our old friend Egypt... that was probably west. It was west.

What am I doing wrong here?

Next week we will travel... nope. Next week we will travel here... ah.

It's a pen! I don't... AAAHHHH! It's a shock pen! Stan!... Really hurt, that wasn't a joke.

AAAHHHH! It's a shock pen! God, Stan!

AAAHHHH! It's a shock pen! God, Stan!

Like, my thumb is weird now.

As open letter... *fart noise* Stan! to Aristophanes... That was pretty great. That was pretty fart-sounding.

Greece was way more than Athens. Greeks lived in a variety of city-states... I don't even know what I'm saying.

That's the least party party blower I have ever heard... That's the worst party ever. [from back] That one's for a wake, maybe. [John] It's a wake blower. All right, please include all that in the, uh, in stuff at the end.
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