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In which John finally discusses the unsolved mystery of his childhood miniature Dachshund Red Green, his Nintendo Entertainment System, and Hank's possible involvement in an unspeakable poop-related crime.


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A Bunny
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Boy as views go, that one's not bad. Good Morning Hank, it's Friday and I'm in Bellingham, Washington at a literature conference.

So Hank, over the weekend there's going to be a Question Tuesday video, not on Tuesday. Nerdfighters, please be leaving your questions in comments. But today Hank, I want to ask you a question. (Turns around) I was walking backwards.

Hank we've been making videos back and forth for more than three years and in all that time we have never once discussed Red Green and I'm starting to wonder whether maybe that's because, you are guilty of a terrible crime.

Now Hank the preface to this story is that when I was a kid, I had a best friend - Nintendo Entertainment System. Nintendo and I went everywhere together - which is to say that I never left the house. Hank there was nothing in life that made me happier than when I would press that NES power button and hear those fateful words. "Blades Of Steel". Still sends a shiver down my spine. And of course, we also had a dog, a miniature Dachshund named Red Green, who hated me. By the way Hank, if you are wondering, I'm on my way to a book store to try and secretly sign some of my books. Now Hank as you probably remember the original Nintendo Entertainment System had a plastic flap which you opened and then removed a game cartridge or put one in. And sometimes at the end of a long day of playing "Zelda" and "Mario" and "Double Dribble" and "Blades of Steel", I would remove that last game cartridge and because I was not as good a friend to Nintendo as Nintendo was to me, I would leave that plastic flap open.

Now Hank, there can be no question that in his life Red Green did many terrible things. He enjoyed biting children, he would pee on my bedroom carpet whilst staring me in the eyes.

Oh look, I'm a staff pick!

But Hank: in our family, Red Green is most famous for what I discovered one summer morning, when I woke up, dragged myself to the living room and went to go play Nintendo. You see Hank, Red Green had pooped in my best friend - the Nintendo. I don't mean he pooped on the Nintendo. I mean he pooped in the Nintendo. I had left the plastic flap open over night and when I went to put "Blades Of Steel" in the machine, I discovered Red poop. Well the poop wasn't actually red, it was brown, but it was from Red.

Now Hank the list of suspects for the crime is really limited to our family and Red himself, because it happened overnight and the doors were locked. Now I know I didn't do it because I loved that Nintendo more than I loved my own... I'll just say it... brother. Mom or Dad is certainly a possibility but I think they liked the Nintendo. It minimized the amount of time I was annoying them. Plus its just hard to imagine either of our parents picking up dog poop and inserting it into a Nintendo.
Inexplicable gazebo.
So far as I can tell, this leaves two possibilities. One, you put the poop in the Nintendo or two, in the middle of the night, Red Green awoke in a fit of violent jealousy, backed up to the Nintendo, placing his bum against its opening and proceeded to projectile poop into the Nintendo. Unfortunately Hank, because I know just how nefarious a dog Red Green was, I cannot discount that possibility. This means if we were playing clue then I would know the murder weapon and the location - it was Red Green's poop in the Nintendo - but even after all these years, I still do not know the murderer.

Hank, I think enough time has passed for you to answer the question honestly. Did you put Red Green's poop in the Nintendo or was Red Green some kind of pooping genius? Hank, I expect your answer on Monday.