Good morning John. Last night, as we must do in this day and age, I was Googling. I don't even remember what I was searching for but as you (I'm sure) know, Google nowadays actually attempts to guess what you want to know before you finish telling it what you want to know. Because apparently we're so lazy that we'd rather not move our fingers any more than necessary. It's a clever little trick and I imagine that it works basically by figuring out what other people have searched for that start with the same letters as what you are searching for. Which is I guess, convenient-ish. But more than the value is convenient, I think the real value is it's ability to uh, help us peer into the soul of mankind.

So let's say we start out with “is”. Lots of Google queries must begin with the letters “I S” and then space. And here we have “is Facebook down?” which is probably something people search a lot when Facebook goes down. But the second most common question starting with “is” asked to Google is “is lady gaga a man?”. I'll just go ahead and answer that one for everyone. No. No, Lady Gaga is not a man.

And then we have the beginning of a trend that we will see a lot in Google auto-complete, “Is Daniel Tosh gay?", "Is Justin Bieber gay?", Is Nate Berkus gay?” I don't even know who Nate Berkus is!

But to peer deeper into our nation's psyche, you can type “Is my” and find out what people are curious about concerning their possessions. Including, “Is my husband gay?", "Is my boyfriend gay?", "Is my mac 64 bit” which is actually a legitimate normal Google question why aren't they all like that. “Is my license suspended?” - which is a question you should really know the answer to and “Is my house haunted?”. Which... I am amazed. I, I am, I am just amazed. And then go deeper, just type a random letter, “is my d-", "Is my dog pregnant?", "Is my dog sick?", "Is my dog dying?", "Is my dog gay?” Yes, your dog is– yeah actually your dog is probably bisexu– actually your dog is probably omni-sexual. Your dog has probably had sex with pillows, your dog is probably ejaculating on the arm of a couch right now. Wow, our hangups. We have them.

And then I had a bit of inspiration, and I had to go ahead and type in, “Is John Green-” and John, I know you want to know what the world wants to know about you. “Is John Green married?”. Yes. “Is John Green gay?". Is John Green gay? Why does everybody want to know if everybody's gay?

Let me just go ahead and answer all of these questions for you. We have yes, no, yes, yes, no. John Green is not dead. So of course now that I know what people want to know about you, I had to figure out what people want to know about me. And... Piece of a rooster fartknocker mother of poo. No one cares about what Hank Green is. So let me ask you guys a favor, could you go uh, Google “Is Hank Green awesome?”. Maybe if enough people do it, it will auto-complete. I find this exploration fascinating, particularly our obsession with the sexual orientation of other people. And I am looking forward to delving deeper into our nations psyche using the tool of Google Auto-complete.

And of course finally, I had to ask Google what people are asking about Google. One letter into it we're already asking if Google is making us stupid, but we're also asking “Is god real?” and “Is gonorrhea curable?”. But go ahead and type in “is Google ga-” and you will find out that fewer people are asking if Google is gaining a monopoly on the world’s information, than are asking whether Google is gay. John, Google is a genderless website that hopefully, has never had a thought. Much less a feeling of romantic longing. And thus we can all assume that Google... is not gay.

John, I will see you on Monday.

Some various news, I just did a collab for you with HorribleFiction and you can click to watch it here. The winners for the Project For Awesome Raffle have been announced and you have been contacted if you won. If you haven't been contacted, you win at giving money to charity. Thank you. I hope you all have a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very Happy New Year.