Good morning, Hank, it's Tuesday, November 6, 2012, you cannot title a video 'Spicy Summer Camp Story' and then have it be about ACTUAL spices, that's just false advertising. By the way, Hank, this is Susan, she's my zit.

So today, Hank, I'm going to tell an actual spicy summer camp story, complete with frenching, which is what we called kissing with tongue. So, Hank, just as a preface, when I was young, I was told that the difference between kissing like, your friend, and kissing someone you were romantically involved with was the tongue. And then I came to the natural conclusion that the more tongue you used, the more closely romantically linked you were to the person you were licking. As you can imagine, this made me a great kisser, wait, it's Tuesday, November 6, 2012, it's Election Day? Okay, I'm gonna get back to the story, but first, a three part guide in how to vote.

Step one: Wake up at 6:22 in the morning overwhelmed with anxiety, done. Step two, make sure you've done your research, there's a link in the doobly-doo where you can find your polling place and also all the elections in your area. Most people know who they want to vote for like, senator and president, but have you done your school board research? The school board election is arguably the most important one of all 'cause they will decide the central issue of our time, should my novel 'Looking for Alaska' be banned from high school classrooms? It's the only election where I'm truly a one-issue voter, I'm like, what is your stance on banning my book? Step three, once you've woken up at 6:22 in the morning paralyzed with anxiety and done your research, it's time to go vote!

Okay, Hank, so I've arrived at the polling station, I have my little notes to help me remember who I want to vote for, and I'm here with the Yeti, not pictured, how do you feel about voting?

Sarah: I'm excited.

John: You know, ladies couldn't vote until quite recently.

Sarah: (laughs)

John: We didn't trust you with it.

Sarah: That's why I've never wanted to live at any other age but now.

John: Okay, we did it, I vote, I count. Okay, that was fun, back to the frenching, but first, please vote. I speak to you as a former non-voter, please vote, you will never regret it. Okay, so 49 weeks out of the year, I was a massive nerd with cooties and frenching me was seen as like, a social catastrophe, but then three weeks a year, I would go to summer camp, and suddenly, I was in the middle, I wasn't like hot or anything, but I was in the middle! And being in the middle, sometimes people will want to be your girlfriend, and they will maybe even want to french you! French you? French with you? French at you? I don't know, with me as an adolescent, it was more of a french at.

Okay, so not to brag, but over eight years of summer camp, Hank, I kissed six girls, all of them french, not the girls, the kissing. And as you can imagine, since I was someone who wasn't frenching 49 weeks a year and also believed that the way to say 'I like you' was to maximize face-licking, I was really bad at kissing. I was like a cat trying to clean the face of my beloved.

And I should add that I also did not enjoy these kisses, but I thought they were what you were supposed to do, no one ever told me I was bad until one day, I'm at summer camp, it's the last night of summer camp, I'm like 14 years old, I think I was actually older than that, I don't want to tell you how old I actually was. But I'm at a square dance and I'm kissing my girlfriend of like, three days, and a friend comes up to me and he pulls me aside and he said, 'You're joking, right?' and I was like 'Joking about what, having a beautiful girlfriend?' and he was like, 'No, you're joking with that terrible weird thing that you're doing that you think is kissing.' And then I went over to my girlfriend of like, three days and I was like, 'Am I a really terrible kisser?' and she said yes. And then I said, 'Well, how can I be better?' and she showed me and suddenly, kissing got awesome!

So, Hank, the moral of my spicy summer camp story is VOTE!

Hank, I'll see you tomorrow.