Good morning Hank, it's Sunday January 31st. Are you ready for some football? Or, in lieu of that, are you ready for some commercials starring monkeys? God I love monkey commercials.

(Intro)

Oh but before I start the video an important note to Nerdfighters who live in or around Chicago who are over the age of 21. (Sorry underage Nerdfighters I'll make it up to you.) I'm gonna be part of Mark Bazer's live talk show at the Hideout on Friday February 6th at 6:30. It's 5 bucks it's gonna be awesome. It's an awesome bar. It's gonna be a great time, lots of cool guests, and Mark is a genius. (More info in the sidebar.)

And now to the Super Bowl.

Hank on this most sacred day of secular America I'm not going to talk about the moral dubiousness of paying men to participate in a sport that is statistically will shorten their lives by 15 years. Nor am I going to talk about the weird collective mental illness from which Americans suffer that causes them to want to watch corporations sell them goods and services. No Hank today I want to talk about the football team that is trying today to win their first ever Super Bowl: the Arizona Cardinals. The CARDINALS?! Hank, I haven't heard a nickname that lame since the English Premier League's Bolton Wanderer's.

-"You guys want to play some soccer?"
-"Um, yeah kinda. But I also just wanna walk around aimlessly."

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Something just occurred to me. Is it the Cardinals? (picture of Cardinal the bird) Or is it Cardinals? (Picture of cardinal in the Catholic Church) Oh it's the bird, yeah, that's disappointing.

Hank, the Cardinals have the longest current championship drought in the National Football League. I'm not going to say that's because they're are the only team in the league to have a vegetarian bird as their mascot, but if they do lose Super Bowl XLIII, they need to think long and hard about getting a new, more awesome mascot. And you will be surprised to learn that I have some suggestions!

One: Ninjas! They're fast, they're tough, they're deadly, and I think the "Ask a Ninja" guy would be open to being their mascot. Two: The Arizona Mother-in-laws. Or Three: maybe you want a team name that celebrates tenacity, that reminds your opponents that they can't stop you, they can only hope to contain you. Like the "Arizona Herpes." Or "Herpy zer zees." Or "Herpy zees." Or "Herp herpezzes."

Now I gotta call Brotherhood 2.0 resident mathematician and linguist, Daniel Biss. "Hey, in your professional opinion what is the plural of herpes? Is it like "herpezes" or "herpezes" or (chuckles). Well then if herpes is the plural then what is the singular? (chuckles) Herpum. So your could be the "Arizona Herpums."

And my final recommendation, number four: is the "Arizona blood-drinking, silver-haired virgins. Hank I really feel like for all the NFL's success, it is almost failed to completely penetrate the Twilight fan demographic. Hank as you can see here in this professionally produced Venn diagram, there is very limited overlap between NFL fans and Twilighters. In fact the only place where those circles touch is ME!

By the way Hank when I was trying to confirm that Edward Cullen was a virgin, I Googled "is Edward Cullen a virgin?" I mean I know that repeatedly in the first three Twilight books it talks about how he has never been with a girl, but given the astonishing variety of sentient beings in the world of Twilight that doesn't answer my question. But anyway you know how when you type something into Google it suggests what you might mean. Well Hank the most common question that begins with "is Edward Cullen" is "is Edward Cullen real?"

(Grabs hair in disgust) NO! NO! He is NOT REAL! He is not real and he is not possible!

Hank I predict that entirely due to mascot superiority the Steelers will win by 6. I'll see you on Tuesday!

(blows spit bubble out of mouth and raises arms in victory)