Lizzie:  Okay...My dear, darling sister Lydia has insisted on throwing her birthday party tonight, and I'll give her this - she doesn't do things by halvesies. Her word. 
Stains in all colors, a small fire out back that was luckily put out before it burned anything more than a small shrub, and someone keeps spiking volleyballs at the garden gnomes. What did a harmless garden gnome ever do to them? I ask you...
I needed a break, so I came in here to my sanctuary.
[glass breaking, Lydia off camera]: Oopsie! It's okay, it's my birthday!

Lizzie:  My name is Lizzie Bennet, and this is - not the bathroom!

[Intro plays]

Lizzie:  I could call my parents, but having them rush home from Uncle Phil's would only result in a lot of yelling, and chances are Lydia would be passed out for it. Better to wait until tomorrow when they can witness the carnage, and Lydia will be sober - and hungover. Besides, my baby sister only turns 21 once. She should have some fun, right? 
[off camera, Lydia:] Dance, boys! Dance for the birthday girl!

Lizzie: Although, her definition of fun differs from mine. Although I prefer peace, quiet and maybe a good book, Lydia needs to be surrounded with large crowds at all times. There are so many people out there, and I don't know any of them - and I have lived in this town my entire life. I think I need more friends. 
[to door] Not the bathroom!

Mary: Oh my God, hide me.

Lizzie: Mary! Totally forgot you were here. Internet, cousin Mary, cousin Mary, internet.

Mary: Yeah, we've met.

Lizzie: Of course. I didn't mean to hijack you into my videos the way Lydia does-

Mary: No, it's okay. I'd rather be hijacked by you right now than her. 

Lizzie: Don't worry. Once we get some cake into her, she'll crash. Oddly enough for her, the sugar counteracts the alcohol and causes a blissful coma. Blissful for the rest of us.

Mary: Okay, but do you know how many people are out there? Aren't you getting worried this thing's getting out of control?

Lizzie: Well, I've got 911 and an emergency cleanup crew on speed dial if necessary, and I can always impersonate my mother and scare off anyone who refuses to leave.
[impersonating] Have you lived up to your name yet, and found a sensible young man to marry? 

Mary: That was scary. Please stop.

Lizzie: I know. Least I already took care of the worst would-be party crasher. 

Mary: Was it that Darcy guy you always talk about? 

Lizzie: No. George Wickham.

Mary: Oh, yeah. He was kind of a douche.

Lizzie. Douche is an adequate term.

[Lydia off camera] No, no, no, stop it! Only boys can enter the wet T-shirt contest!

Mary: So, George isn't coming? This kind of feels like his scene.

Lizzie: No, he most certainly is not. I made sure of that. 

Mary: How?

Lizzie: Would you like to help me with something?

Mary: As long as it's in this room.

[Costume Theater]

Lizzie [as George]: Hey, Lizzie. 

Mary [as Lizzie]: George. What are you doing here? 

Lizzie: Shopping for groceries. As you do. It is so awesome to see you, peach. 

Mary [breaking character]: Oh my God, seriously? He went in for a hug? 

Lizzie: It was more like a grope-hug. A grug. 

Mary: Doesn't he watch your videos?

Lizzie: Apparently not since we stopped seeing each other. But read your next line. There's a format to these things.

Mary: Sorry. [as Lizzie] I thought you were leaving town...again!

Lizzie [as George]: I am soon, but I wouldn't want to miss the chance to see you. You were doing that, uh, intern thing, right? ...Learn anything? 

Mary: Actually, I learned a lot. There were some interesting people there, too. Like Darcy. 

Lizzie: Darcy. Just the mention of his name reminds me of how he hypothetically ruined my life.

Mary: Perhaps, but he has some virtues.

Lizzie: Virtues? Now you think Darcy has virtues?

Mary [breaking character]: Do you think Darcy has virtues? Because, it's like, I don't care, but I just think it would be really interesting if you'd changed your mind about him that much-

Lizzie: Mary, read. 

Mary: Sorry, right. [As Lizzie]: Actually, Darcy's not so bad. He has some more virtues than some I could mention.

Lizzie [as George]: Whoa. Sounds like I have some catching up to do. But you can get me all caught up tonight at your sister's party-

Mary: You are not invited.

Lizzie: But I know some of the volleyball guys-

Mary: No! You are not invited! You can't come tonight! [breaking character] You said I interrupt you there, that was pretty good, right?

Lizzie: That- that was great. Great job, Mary. 

Mary: Was that actually how it happened? Because you were kind of harsh.

Lizzie: I wasn't that harsh, but hopefully that is the last we will ever see of George Wickham.

[Lydia off camera] It's candle time, bitches!

Lizzie: Alright, now we really have to get out there.

Mary: I suppose. Are you sure cake will help? 

Lizzie: Trust me. Cake solves everything.

[Lydia off camera] Oh my God, fire. Lizzie! Fire extinguisher! Lizzie!

[Outro plays]