Hello and welcome for the last time to the npower League 1 because Swindon are going up! Remember that red and white confetti from last game that was very confusing because all of our players were sad and all of the Doncaster players were happy? That's because that meant that Doncaster was gonna finish second which meant they were gonna get promoted to the Championship, but we still won! We won the cup! We limped to the finish pathetically with nary a win in our last seven games. We won the cup!

Anyway, as you can see the County Ground is packed today with Swindon supporters to celebrate the end of our first season in FIFA 13. It's been up, it's been down, it's been up, and then lately it's been down again. I want to kind of do a recap of the season, go over some of the guys, what they've been up to.

William Wordsworth plays for... Meredith, I'd like to acquire William Wordsworth, can you write that down please. He's one of the great 19th century poets and he has a little bit of a beard which, mmm. I don't like his slicked back hair but I love that sort of, like, five day beard, you know? It's just perfect. You don't want any more than that though. Then you get into Wheezy Waiter territory.

We won the cup! It's been a hard end for the Swoodilypoopers, it's been a rough landing. Not the way you want to go into the Championship. I mean, next season we're gonna be facing, you know, teams that just a season ago were in the Premier League so it's gonna be a very different league than we've been in. That said, I think that we're ready. I do wish that we'd had a little more, you know, that we'd kind of won in style, that tends to be what I like. I'm not really a substance person, I'm more of a style person.

Oh! Almost went through. We just, we really... I believe that we need to end the season with a win, mostly because of the abundant humiliations of ending the season with seven consecutive draws or losses. So, I mean, we did have some talks after the game, like the guys were pretty upset with me for not even knowing that we'd already won League 1 and you know, fair on them for that.

Come on! THERE WE GO, YES! We're back!
'Bald John Green, John Green,
Upon his moustache we're keen,
He gives it all for the team,
Bald John Green, John Green.'

That was beautiful. That was an old school Swindon Town Swoodilypooper goal, like FIFA 11 stuff right there. Run to the corner, cross it in to the middle, let your target man be his beautiful self. That's just, that's what I love about the Swoodilypoopers. When we're working, that's what we look like. Everything about it was beautiful and it looks like, hopefully we're gonna be able to end this season on a high note. I'm gonna go into attacking mode because I want to score 74 goals.

So, you know, it's been... Hard times are what ultimately reveal character, at least that's the cliché in sports. I also think good times sometimes reveal character. Like, if you're a jerk then when things are going really well then you're kind of even more of a jerk.

Come on! To your husband! OHOHO!
'John Greens, John Greens,
Bald and Other John Greens,
They're the best forwards that
Swindon Town has ever seen!'

What a great pass to his husband and then just cool as the other side of the pillow. This is Swoodilypooper football ladies and gentlemen. Oh yes. He's a finisher.

So, you know, I do think that it said something about, that there was something, you know. The team wasn't where we needed it to be, too many people wanting too much playing time, wanting too much money, not, you know, caring about their own careers more than the crest. We saw way too much of that here at the end of the season, I think. And that's, you know, that's an important lesson for us, that we need to have the guys around us who live and breath Swindon and for whom Swindon is, yeah. Like they dream of playing for Swindon in the Champions League. They don't dream of playing for Real Madrid or Barcelona, they dream of Swindon being there and they dream of being the people who get Swindon there. And that's what my talks have focused on now that we've secured promotion and everything. Let's make sure that you guys aren't inadequately ambitious, like, I'm not kidding about this. I want big, big things for this club. I don't even want it to be like FIFA 11, like, I want us to go all the way to European glory. You know, we've never really, that's the stuff we've never won.

And, you know, it was a good season in a lot of ways, like, I think I had to learn the game, the guys had to learn to play together. We had to learn who are our stars gonna be. I think Andy Rooney, although he emerged as a star, he's on loan to Swindon so we might lose him which is gonna be tough. I love him, I love gingers and he is one so that's gonna be a hard loss. Green Eggs and Foderingham emerged as a star, there's no question about that. Probably arguably the greatest keeper in the history of Swindon Town, certainly up there with Fat Lucas and he's gonna hopefully be signed to a long term contract. I know he's excited to go to the Championship. I think We call him Bob has emerged as a star and a Swindon kind of guy, although it was an interesting argument that was had between he and Leroy Williamson. But I think that there's more than one way to approach the game, there's more than one way to care about the game and more than one way to be a professional footballer so I think he's probably a big part of our future as well. Guys like Shepard Ferry who's on the ball right now, Fireball Wilson Groberts, I mean I think Fireball Wilson Groberts has played with tremendous heart all season long and I think he deserves to be on the pitch next season.

Come on! Oh, you just almost got a goal! Speaking of which, yeah I really believe in him.

So I think some of those, a lot of those guys will be back, some of them won't. I mean, some of these guys are on loan so, you know, we can't keep them, but I think hopefully...

OHO! Take a bow son! Yes, and then get hugged. Just let him sidle up to you and give you that weird Christian side hug celebration that they do in FIFA. Oh, this is Swoodilypooper football. We're on pace to win six-nil. Where were these goals? Where have these goals been? I don't have an answer. It's great to see, I hope we can get Bald John Green... That's not a foul! I was just kinda trying to just, you know, just see how it went. I don't know. Just, you know. Look at this. Gah, we're back in the game! We had to score, we had to restart with an old school Swoodilypooper goal and then, yes. Yes. I knew if we put back on the red of passion and joy that we would be winners and we are going to win this game. But will we win it by six goals, only time will tell.

So when I look at the future of the FIFA 13 Swoodilypoopers I feel really, really confident. I think we've got some stars. I think Mionel Richie is, you know, he has that special something. He's gonna be part of Swoodilypooper lore for years to come.

Oh! Get a goal! Get a goal! Oh!
'We call him Bob,
We call him Bob,
His name is Väyrynen (garbled)
But we call him Bob.'

Great goal. Look at this, four-nil Swoodilypoopers, pouring it on, it's the only word for it. Oh, this is just gorgeous. Gorgeous. I love everything about this. This is what I've been waiting for and I know this is what the supporters have been waiting for too. What a final game to the season it is for Swindon where they just, you know, it's just showing all of our talents, all the things that we could do next season in the Championship. This is great. This is wonderful. There you go. Yeah, how about a little pass. Oh, what a nice ball! No, that wasn't good.

I'm gonna try to make some substitutions here, just make sure nobody gets, you don't want anyone to get hurt at the end of the season, you know. Actually, everybody seems to be in pretty good shape. But, you know, you want Fitz Hall on the field at the end, I think. Archibald-Henville, I don't know if he has a future at the Swoodilypoopers. The guys played great, I certainly have no issues with his play. I like him, he's a likeable character. Yeah, and then Leroy Williamson, I think there's no doubt that Leroy Williamson is going to factor in to our plans for the future. So, you know, things are good. I don't know what our big needs are. We don't currently have a right midfielder so that might be a useful thing to acquire. But I don't really know what we're missing.

My agent, Jodi Reamer, is calling. I don't even think she knows who the Swoodilypoopers are but she's about to find out. Hi, I'm playing Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers, can I call you back in a little bit? Alright, hold on. Bye-bye. I don't know what that's about. With Jodi it can either be really good news or really bad news. It could be like "Guess what, you're book is going to be published in Vietnam" or it could be like "Guess what, we have an important issue that you have to deal with and it's going to be boring and time consuming and not that fun and you won't make any money at the end of it".

OH! Aww. Oh, Merrick Maric! Merrick Maric! He was within inches! That was my fault, actually. If I'd shot with Merrick Maric when I should have, I think that ball would have gone in. And, I mean, what an end that would have been to our season. To have Merrick Maric, to have 42 seconds of silence to celebrate a Merrick Maric goal. Oh! Good save. Alright, Fitz Hall, come on up son. Let's see what we can get done. That's not a bad, I don't dislike that. It's a little deep. It was a little too deep in the end. Yeah, I feel, oh. I don't know. I feel like we've got potential and that's really...

OH!
'He's big, he's tall,
He's also short and small
One Size Fitz Hall,
One Size Fitz Hall!
He's big, he's tall,
He's also short and small,
One Size Fitz Hall!

Ah! This is the best game ever! Oh, we have suffered mightily for forty days and forty nights but we come to the Promised Land. The League 1 championship, a five-nil victory, a goal for Fitz Hall, what else do you want from this beautiful, unblemished world in which we live. Oh. Oh, it's so beautiful. It's so beautiful. Oh, I just love it.

Oh, I tried to make a turn there. Tried to make a turn there, it didn't happen. But you know what? Let's just go all out attacking, let's just, I don't want to humiliate our opponents but I do want to humiliate our opponents, actually, because this is, we've just been so desperate for... Oh oh. Oh oh. Oh oh. Green Eggs and Foderingham. Don't worry, he's always back there. He's always taken care of us. Oh, he's like the brother I never had. Don't tell Hank I said that. There's John Green on the ball. John Green. Yes. Yes.

OHO! What are you talk...

(Silence)

Selectively mute Merrick Maric, a hero to all of us who love Swindon. This is a guy who just, I mean, he just gives it all every single time. He's a tiny little guy, I mean, he's our Messi. I just love him. And he almost never scores. When he does, to celebrate his goals we give him 42 seconds of silence and oh. It's amazing to hear the County Ground go completely quiet like that. It's just, it's just beautiful.

This is the game we've been waiting for all season. I'm sorry that you, Henderson and Rose, that you had to be up against this. It must have been brutal but, you know, you've just met the greatest team in the history of League 1 on our greatest day. And that's not your fault, man, it could have happened to anybody. There was nobody in this league who was gonna be able to compete with us.

Oh, this is great. This is just, I mean, goals from John Green, John Green, Merrick Maric, Fitz Hall. Are you even kidding me? I mean, this is the Swoodilypooper, it's almost like I'm living a dream, you know. I can't believe that my life is this good. Oh! Bald John Green wanted one more, he wanted his hat-trick. That's the thing in life is that you can't help but think, like 'Oh, well, I mean this was great but it could be a little bit better'.

Oh, like for instance if John Green scored in the 90th minute! Are you kidding me! I promise you, I have not changed the skill level! How come I couldn't score and now I can score seven!? Oh, John Green and John Green, both scoring two goals apiece for a total goal tally among John Greens of four goals. Just phenomenal. Phenomenal stuff from John Green, John Green and, not to brag, but manager John Green as well I think has had a heck of a good game. Heck of a good game. Why don't you go get another one? No, that was enough. Seven is enough.

Congratulations to the 2013 Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers. Goals form John Green, John Green, John Green, We call him Bob, One Size Fitz Hall, Merrick Maric, silent but deadly, and, of course, John Green. What a game. Seven-nil Swindon versus Colchester. Something, a day that Swoodilypooper fans will remember for all of our years. DFTBA, I will see next season. Best wishes.