This episode of Sexplanations is sponsored by BetterHelp, an accessible and convenient way to get therapy and counseling from licensed professionals.

(Intro)

Lindsey: I'm Dr. Lindsey Doe, clinical sexologist and the host of this sex-curious show, Sexplanations.  With me today is Amp from WattstheSafeword.  Watts the Safeword.  Which is a YouTube channel kind of like the Sexplanations version of kink, or the kink version of Sexplanations

Amp: Sex positivity all around but mostly centered on some sort of kinky related thing.

L: It's incredible.  So I was hoping that because in so many of your episodes, you have a co-host.

A: Yeah.

L: Who you call your daddy.  If you could talk about daddies. 

A: I don't know if you're seen daddy porn or porn that has like, a daddy figure in it.

L: I have not.

A: Okay.  So it's definitely a kink for some people.

L: Yes.

A: Like, my relationship with my daddy, Kristofer, is his name, started as very much like, an open relationship, kind of dating, but we knew that we were gonna have relationships with other people, and he was a mentor in many ways and would give me advice on things, about life or setting up your 401K, you know, just life in general, but also I was sexually attracted to him because he has this kind of rough, muscley kind of goofy guy, and so I really like daddies.  

L: So for me, daddy triggers a neural pathway to my biological father.

A: Sure.

L: What I could call him as a pre-pubescent girl, and your current neurological pathway to daddy is what?

A: My current pathway for daddy is someone who cares about you, who is a mentor in many ways, who you might have a sexual relationship with, not biological relationship, and you care about, because at the end of the day, like, whether we're having sex or not, like, to me, my partner, my daddy, Kristofer, is someone that I care about, who I take care and who also takes care of me.

L: Do those two pathways ever cross?  

A: The dad and the daddy?

L: The, yeah, like, oh my gosh, like, I'm using the word to think about my actual, parental dad in a sexual way?  

A: No.  For me, it's synonymous with Kristofer.  Kristofer is daddy, daddy is Kristofer, and that's my personal, like, nickname for him.  I know people that call their significant other, like, honey or sweetie or sweetheart.  Like, that is my name for him, but daddy is so much more than that.  I tell people that daddy is a mindset, because I think that regardless of your age, regardless of your gender, or your identity, you can identify as a daddy to someone.  I know plenty of female-bodied people that call themselves daddies to someone or they are a daddy in a community sense, and I know plenty of people that are in their 20s that identify as a daddy to someone because they are the mentor or they are somehow dominant with a submissive in some way that makes that dynamic work for them.  Do you have questions now?

L: I have so many questions.  

A: Hit me.  Hit me.  Consentually.

L: When was the first time that you heard daddy as something other than parental figure to a child?

A: Sure.  Probably porn, if I'm being completely honest, probably porn.

L: Oh, okay. 

A: But then after that, like, when I'm out at a bar and I've seen people in like, leather bars, there's lots of daddies around in there, because daddy is an archetype for a lot of gay guys, I find.  Like, having a daddy or having someone who they find to be like, that muscley, dominant, furry, like, dominant person.

L: How did you know when you wanted a daddy?

A: I went on a camping trip once with a bunch of friends.  It was kind of a mixed group of some straight people, some gay people, but there was one couple, and it was a puppy, a human who does puppy play, and his daddy, and their relationship was just so deep, and they had like, this, this, this eye contact that said so much more than what they were actually saying, or like, just little cues or nods or little, like, guttural sounds, and I could see that they had like, their own language going on, but it was just so pure and so loving and so passionate, but they weren't saying anything.

That moment kind of changed how I looked at relationships, how I looked at sex and kink and definitely put this feeling in me that like, I want a daddy.  I want someone who I can take care of, but can also take care of me and we have this, this loving, caring relationship that doesn't need, you know, that we can, we can do certain things and we just know that we're okay and we have like, our own little, like secret language, and we care about each other.

L: The relationship that you have is beautiful and the word that you use is beautiful, too, like, the way that you say it, it sounds so nice.  It really does, and it is one of the .001% of sexuality where I am still like, ohh, that's really hard, calling somebody a daddy or even saying daddy in a sexual way is hard for me, as an aggressive sexologist who loves talking about peoples' kinks and is fascinated by the world out there and the way that we express ourselves and I am still like, ohh.  How does your dad feel about you calling someone your daddy and my skin, it's still not settled there, and I think that a lot of people who aren't exposed to the daddy community often, or hear it for the first time when a young person talks to their partner of any age and is like, daddy, there's a thing, like.  What just happened?

A: It makes you think.  It, you have to think about what was just said, right?  You have to come, you just step back for a second and be like, what?  

L: Did you go through that at all, when started getting into this?

A: Yes, and I remember the first time--

L: You did?

A: Not personally, not for me, but I went through an experience with that with Kristofer, 'cause I remember the first time I asked him if I could call him daddy, and he was like, well, I'm not of that--well, maybe I am of that age, but um, I don't know.  And that was his response, he was like, I, I'm not so sure about that.  I need to think about that, 'cause I think that he had reservations about it, too, but what it ended up being was just that he was not used to that terminology.

Like you, it's something that's a little unsettling if it's a first time being called daddy.  He doesn't have any actual children, so it's something new, but once we kind of got to the paces of our relationship and he saw that it wasn't an incest thing, it wasn't about like, it wasn't even about daddy boy, it was just more that I found it an affectionate term that I could use for him and in that way, it, it made our dynamic loving. 

L: Yeah.  My brain goes to okay, are you gonna be somebody's daddy?

A: Probably, and I'm okay with that.

L: Yeah.

A: Because, and I think it's a little different for like, the gay culture, because daddy is synonymous with an older, more mature partner who is mentoring you in some way, and so that was kind of, that kind of helped to make me okay with the term daddy.  When I was getting sexually active and growing in that community, which is different than your upbringing in sex and your experiences so I understand why there's a reservation there, but there's like, there's--it's an archetype, you know.  In a lot of porn that you can find online, like, the daddy archetype is a thing, and I know this is like, a kink for some people, like a relationship with the neighbor's dad or the neighbor dad type.

L: Yeah.

A: But, and I'm sure that makes you a little uncomfortable still, too, or--

L: Well, there, and--

A: So long as there's consenting age, though, how does that make you feel?

L: How does that--therapy for Dr. Doe.  Even just having this conversation with you and hearing you say daddy 100 times, I am desensitized right now, which is great.

A: Good.

L: Maybe this is all I needed.

A: Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy.

L: Yeah.  When I come on to Sexplanations as a host and I sit down and it's go time, I have the information and I'm sharing it with others and I think in this moment the gift that I'm giving is people watching me learn about sexuality and to say like, that's not a finite process.  It's not like I have all the information in my head and I just share it, but I am constantly in a state of learning about sexuality and hopefully maintain some humility of like, this is something I'm uncomfortable with and I want to become more comfortable.

A: That's okay to be uncomfortable about it.  

L: Yes.

A: Because then we have these kinds of conversations where we say, I hear you, but this is my perspective and this is how I kind of change the terminology in my mind to adhere to the situation that I am looking for, in a way.

L: Gosh.  I am so grateful to have a safe person to talk to about it.  Please check out Amp's channel, WattstheSafeword, and their video that they did, Amp and his daddy on daddies, to learn more about daddies.

A: Say daddy one more time.

L: Daddies.  Yes.  

A&L: Stay curious.  

L: BetterHelp sponsored this episode about my daddy curiosities.  I like them.  They connect people who need counseling with professionals trained to give it.  Choose individual therapy, partner sessions, or help for your family and BetterHelp will match you.  If you're not happy with your counselor, you can switch to someone new.  It's time to break whatever cycle you're in and get the guidance you deserve.  For me and my mental health, BetterHelp is so cool because I can call, write, and/or video chat with my therapist from the Sexplanations road tour.  Accessible and convenient therapy.  Please check out the link in the description below.

(Endscreen)