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Hank's Severed Hands of Star Wars video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDlqwbMCBg4

In which John proves his nerdiness by reciting the final utterances of every dead American President (except for the few whose last words are unknown).


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A Bunny
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Good morning, Hank. It's Sunday. So, your video about the thirteen severed hands of Star Wars kind of blew my mind with its brilliance. By the way, Nerdfighters, if you haven't seen it, you should. Link in the thingy. And when I was watching you showcase your masterful knowledge of the Star Wars universe, I started to think like, "I don't even know half of the severed hands of Star Wars. Maybe I'm not even a nerd!" Well, Hank, as you can imagine, the thought that I wasn't a nerd was duly horrifying. But, then I remembered that I have memorized all the known last words of American presidents. ahh mmm
  1. George Washington: "Tis well."
  2. John Adams: "It is the glorious 4th of July. It is a great day. It is a good day." And then he fell asleep and he woke up later and said "Thomas Jefferson still survives." Which wasn't true.
  3. Thomas Jefferson had died earlier that same day, July 4th, 1826. His last words were, "Is it the fourth?" Actually, those weren't his last words. Those would have been great last words but then he said "I resign my spirit to God and my daughter to my country." At which point his daughter was presumably like "Dude. You don't own me. You can't resign me to anybody. I mean, like, jeez, Dad. Do you believe that human beings can own other human beings? Oh, right. You do."
  4. James Madison: "I always talk better lying down."
  5. James Monroe, speaking about James Madison: "I regret that I should ever leave this world without again beholding him."
  6. John Quincy Adams: "This is the last of the earth. I am content."
  7. Andrew Jackson: "Be good, children. All of you. And strive to be ready when the change comes." No mention of which change.
  8. Martin van Buren: "There is but one reliance."
  9. William Henry Harrison: "I wish that you could understand the true principles of government. I ask them to be carried out. I ask nothing more."
  10. John Tyler: "Doctor, I am going. Perhaps it is best."
  11. James K. Polk, whose last words would be good last words for me, too: "I love you, Sarah. I love you for all eternity."
  12. Zachary Taylor: "I regret nothing, but I am sorry that I'm about to leave my friends."
  13. The under appreciated Millard Fillmore, after drinking a spoonful of soup, famously said, "the nourishment is palatable."
  14. Franklin Pierce, tragically unknown.
  15. James Buchanan, seemingly aware of the fact that history would judge him one of the worst presidents ever said "I shall carry to my grave the consciousness that at least I meant well for my country. Oh, Lord God, as thou wilt."
  16. Abraham Lincoln said, "Either it doesn't really matter, or they won't think anything of it." as he was trying to convince his wife that they shouldn't be embarrassed about holding hands in public.
  17. Andrew Johnson: "I need no doctor. I can overcome my own trouble." Or not.
  18. Ulysses S. Grant: "Water."
  19. Rutherford B. Hayes: "I know I am going: where Lucy is."
  20. James Garfield: "Swain, can you stop this. Oh, Swain." Swain was Garfield's chief of staff, but it occurs to me that Swain would be a pretty good substitute for "dang." Like, "oh, swain! I stubbed my toe!"
  21. Chester A. Arthur, unknown.
  22. Grover Cleveland: "I have tried so hard to do right."
  23. Benjamin Harrison: "Doctor, my lungs!"
  24. When William McKinley's wife said, "I want to go, too," McKinley answered, "We are all going."
  25. Teddy Roosevelt: "Put out the light."
  26. William Howard Taft's last words were unknown.
  27. But Woodrow Wilson's were "I am a broken piece of machinery. When the machine is broken, I am ready."
  28. Warren Harding: "That's good. Go on. Read some more."
  29. Calvin Coolidge: "Good morning, Robert." So off topic, but Calvin Coolidge was famous for never saying anything, and one time this woman comes up to him and she says "So my friend bet me that I couldn't get more than two words out of you," at which point Calvin Coolidge says "You lose."
  30. Herbert Hoover: "Levi Strauss was one of my best friends."
  31. Franklin Roosevelt: "I have a terrific pain in my head."
  32. Harry Truman, unknown.
  33. Dwight Eisenhower: "I'm ready to go, God. Take me."
  34. John F. Kennedy, after being told that Dallas loved him, said "That's very obvious."
  35. Lyndon Johnson's last words were, "Send Mike immediately."
Neither Nixon nor Reagan's last words were recorded. All other presidents are currently alive. I did it, Hank! You'll see me on Tuesday!