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Last sync:2023-01-27 16:30
In which john explains how to tie a tie, how to kiss, how to lose weight fast, how to get pregnant, how to solve a rubix cube (SIC), how to get a girl to like you, how to make it in America, how to train your dragon, how to make a web site, and how to write your resume. In three minutes and fifteen seconds.


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A Bunny
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((') (')
Good morning, Hank.

It's Friday of How-To Week. I've gotta go to Chicago today but on my way I'm going to answer the top 10 search queries on Google beginning with the words "how to". Okay, first "how to tie a tie." But before we talk about how to tie a tie [John holds up hanger of ties], we gotta talk about which tie you're gonna tie.

In order to do that, Hank, you have to ask yourself a question, "Is it Christmas?" If so, you're gonna wanna go with your Christmas tie. And if not, you're still gonna want to go with your Christmas tie because we don't actually know when Jesus was born. [John changes shirts] Okay, Hank, so once you've chosen a suitably understated dress shirt for your tie. Make sure the little guy is shorter than the big guy, but the big guy over the little guy, but the big guy under the little guy, pull the big guy around--keep the fingers right here please-- and then up [John breathes heavily] and under.

And then right now, this is where, this is where the magic happens, Hank. You've gotta find a way to put the big guy right there, in the hole--I know, that's what she said--then you pull down, shape it, shape it with the fingers, tug. And.

Now I am ready [snap, clap] to learn how to kiss. [John in a car] You wanna know how to kiss? Alright, first thing you need to do is get a hair cut because you're not Tony Danza [picture of Tony Danza] and this isn't "Who's the Boss?". [John with a haircut] So, Hank, broadly speaking there are 3 approaches to kissing. There's the fish [John puckers lips].

There's the slightly stupid person [John makes face]. And then there's the snake that dislocates its jaw and eats its prey whole [John noms camera]. Mm.

I fogged up the camera with my joke. Here's how to kiss. Don't be the snake.

Hank, that would argue that ideally you wanna be situated somewhere between the fish and the stupid person. Alright, what's next? "how to lose weight fast." Well, I've found it's helpful when someone puts [picture of John Pizza shirt] your face on this T-shirt. Hank, in the last year I've lost 30 pounds on a very simple color-coded diet. [pictures of foods] I eat less brown stuff and more green stuff.

Next, "how to get pregnant." Ya kno- I don't know. For something that fourteen-year-olds do all the time, it sure is hard for a lot of people. But remember that 90% of couples conceive within their first year of trying.

So just keep bangin' away at it. Wait, that pronoun has an ambiguous antecedent. What do I need to keep banging away at?

The problem of the being difficult to co-- NEXT TOPIC! "how to solve a Rubik's cube." [John in front of a field] Fine, but before we solve a Rubik's cube, we need to learn how to spell "Rubik's cube." It's not R-U-B-I-X. It's R-U-B-I-K-'-S. It is the cube belonging to Rubik.

Specifically Ernõ Rubik, the Hungarian architecture professor who invented Rubik's cube. Fortunately this topic has been covered on YouTube. [linked picture of a Rubik's cube] Click on the cube an it'll take you to a video explaining in great detail how to solve a RubiK'S cube. Onward. "how to get a girl to like you." I have two recommendations for how to get girls to like you.

Number 1: you can turn into a sneezy panda. Or Number 2: you can click on my face [link on John's face] right now to be taken to a video where I talk about that very topic. Okay, what's next. "how to make it in America" is a show on HBO. "how to train your dragon." What you gotta realize is that the way you imagine your enemy is often the way your enemy imagines you.

Also, they like fish. Just FYI. "how to make a website." Hank, you already did that. That's what led to How-To Week. [link on John's face] Click on my face to be taken to Hank's video about how to make a website. [John on a street in front of a shop] And lastly, "how to write a resume." Hank, I haven't done that in many years but I have two tips.

One: keep it to a page. And two: don't lie. [John walking down street] So that's how to do the top 10 things that people wanna know how to do on Google. Hank, I'll see you on Monday.