Lindsey: Hi, I'm Dr. Lindsey Doe, clinical sexologist and host of this sex-curious show, Sexplanations. Today's episode is sponsored by adamandeve.com - internet-land of sex toys - with a really great deal I'll tell you about at the end.

[intro]

I want to have sex with someone. This person does not want to have sex with me. They said no and gave reasons - not that reasons are necessary. I still want to have sex with this person, I want what I want, and I don't want to be rejected. So, I think of things to say to said-human being so that they'll cooperate with my agenda of getting laid and then, thankfully, I intervene on myself so that I'm not a harassing jerk. Like this:

Alter-Ego Lindsey [AEL]: What about saying, "It will feel so good." [buzzer] 

L: The retort - Lindsey, they said "no." There are many things in this world that feel good. This person does some of those things. They're not rejecting you because they don't want to feel good or have fun or get off.

AEL: Okay, how about I say, "I'll promise you'll like it." [buzzer] 

L: You're gonna say that they'll like you raping them. Even if sex is something that they want physiologically, they don't want it-want it. Not with you, not now. Sure, they could enjoy the pleasure of contact with your little wet spinner body, but manipulating them to get there? [disagreement noise]

AEL: What about, "We've done everything else, what's the difference in having sex?" [buzzer]

L: You don't decide what their boundaries are for them. You don't get to police their body or their decisions. Even if this person has had full-on sex with you, if they don't want you again, right now, then that's a hard "back off." They owe you nothing.

AEL: Maybe a compliment then with a tease - "But I WANT to have sex with you so badly. My crotch is aching for it." [buzzer]

L: Lindsey, go masturbate. Or some squats. Something to really move the blood around from that swollen labia of yours back to your brain. You are a bubbling hot sex cauldron of self-stimulation. Wildly fuck yourself.

AEL: What about a really quick - "Okay, can you just explain why you don't want to have sex with me?" [buzzer]

L: Linds, it's none of your business. You're spectacularly curious, so I know this rejection thing is confusing, but it's still not your business to know. Plus, they gave you a reason for not having sex with you, and when you ask for more of an explanation, it's like you're saying that you don't agree with or accept their response.

AEL: "I may not be available for you by the time you change your mind." [buzzer]

L: Now you're making threats? You must really be struggling with this. It's like if this person doesn't want to get between your legs you question everything you know about yourself. [slow zoom-in] "Maybe you're not actually desirable. Maybe you're not actually fuckable, you're not good enough to get laid, they're turned off by you, they're waiting for someone better, no one is ever going to want you."

AEL: "This is really messing with my self esteem." [buzzer]

L: Don't say that either if you can help it. It's like shaming their choice to say "no." No one is entitled to another person's body. As much as you like to think sex is a basic need, it is not. You can exist without it, people have vibrant lives without set, and many have found ways to not base their self-worth on whether or not someone is sexually drawn to them.

AEL: Okay, okay! I'll stop. But can I tell them that I'm gonna stop? Like, "You already know that I want to have sex with you so I'm not going to bring it up anymore because I don't want to harass you about it." [buzzer]

L: I know you want to add all these caveats like, "You just tell me when and if you're ready," like you're some sort of hero and they owe you a reward or an apology like, "Sorry for asking for it so much," making yourself a victim so that they feel badly and give you the sex. Stay quiet, sit with yourself and the experience of not getting everything. Rejection is a really common event in life. ALL THE TIME people get rejected - sexually rejected - and they survive.

AEL: "Fine." [buzzer]

L: Frustrated language, even non-verbals, are kind of aggressive. You're suggesting that the other person did something wrong and that they owe it to you to make it better - fix it and fuck you. This isn't fair or cool. Sit with your feelings for a moment; what comes up?

AEL: Anger, disappointment, relief, fear, sadness, anxiety, shame, embarrassment, silliness, hope, despair. It hurts, like PHYSICAL pain.

L: Yes. A Universe of Michigan study found the secondary somatosensory cortex and the dorsal posterior insula in the brain responds the same way for physical pain as they do for rejection. As in, burning skin and thinking about past rejections so that future possibility of rejection are mind-twins - they light up the same in your brain! Which means when someone says, "No, thank you" to my sexual invitation, it's helpful to treat myself like I got cut open. I need to slow down and chill out and ask for help. Nurture my wound with good nutrition, lots of water, rest, and time. And acetaminophen!

[slide] A 2010 study by Dewall and colleagues found that acetaminophen/paracetamol (Tylenol) - they relieve pain from rejection! Follow the instructions on the bottle.

Even though I love that there's a way to curb the pain, I don't want any of us to obliterate the feelings or die. Pain actually has a purpose. Three different studies across the last three decades propose it evolved as a survival mechanism to keep us connected - an adaptation so if someone or a whole group excludes you, the pain of that rejection would motivate you to do what you could to get a different result so that you'd never have to be without a cave and cuddles or life-sustaining support.

Less likely to die in modern society, but some people still experience debilitating "Rejection Sensitivity", or "Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria" which negatively affects daily living. It HURTS. And it really deserves attention. Therapy. Almost 100% of people with ADHD have it, and a third of them reported that it's the worst part of their disorder. RSD can mean sudden rage, feeling suicidal, and a phobia of being rejected in the future. According to The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people who are high in Rejection Sensitivity are also more likely to invest excessive time, money, and effort into overturning a rejection.

AEL: You don't want me? [buzzer] You can have my house. [buzzer] Here's my credit card. [buzzer] Want a blow job? [buzzer] I got new lingerie! [buzzer] You're so pretty. [buzzer]

L: Pretty dangerous. Really - get professional help. For me, I try to direct my approval-seeking energy into myself and those who I know want it. Just because someone doesn't want to have sex with me doesn't mean I can't cook a thoughtful dinner and crush my friends at card games! I'm way more attractive to myself and others when I'm able to pivot toward abundance - this world gives me a lot - rather than scarcity - begging for your crotch like genitals are in short supply. I'm gonna come. How? That will be revealed. I may not be able to control getting rejected or my obsession with trying to fix it, but I can stay curious.

AEL: [holding/reading a box with a dildo] YOU want me, and you're not gonna reject me. "Hollywood Hottie - 10 powerful functions, intense power-boost feature, pure silicone, USB rechargeable, waterproof!" Oh, yes. Open up. [takes toy out, rubs on hand and face] Beautiful creamsicle tongue, lap up, - oh gosh - lather, lather, lap, lap, lap, lap, lap, lap, lap. [holds up lingerie] And you, crotchless panties. Right? Your turn, come to me. Like this. [puts accompanying bra on over clothes] It's happening, right now. These cute little princess sleeves. There we go. She's so cute, you so cute!

Adamandeve.com has so many playthings for you to get it on with. With partners they're great, if you're alone - great, feeling down, angry, lonely, horny. Go to their website, shop for your crotch, use the discount code "Doe" - my last name - for 50% off an eligible item and free shipping on the whole order to the US or Canada.

[outro]

[blooper]
Just because that [gibberish]. ... Again, please.