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In which John talks about what would happen if he won the lottery. The Wimbly Womblys play West Ham.

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Hello and welcome to Hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green, I'm the manager of the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys who are at the moment on the cusp of an annus mirabilis. Um, I've been thinking about songs, Meredith. What do you think of this one? It's to the tune of Copacabana. "It's our annus, mirabilis!" Huh? She doesn't know Copacabana. I'm an old person who is forced to glimpse the abyss of death that awaits me. Thanks Meredith.

Today we are taking on West Ham United. Rosianna's beloved West Ham United. Rosianna, my friend, one of the earliest readers of Looking for Alaska. Also, my producing partner, um, assistant. She plays many roles in our lives. Not just mine but also Meredith's and everyone who's life she touches because she's so competent and great. Don't you agree? We're all hardcore Rosianna fans around here. 

That said, we're going to destroy West Ham United! We're going to make them cry. Their captain, Mark Noble, is going to pee himself from being upset. We're in 6th place! But as you can see we're only 2 points behind 4th! It's going to be a tight, tight, tight, TIGHT race with 8 games to go. Um, what were we just talking about, Meredith? 

Oh! What would happen if I won the lottery. Um, yeah, so I'm going to talk about how my life would change if I won the lottery. Meredith, do you ever watch any of these TV programs, like I won the lottery? The reality show where people won the lottery and you see what happened in their lives. A lot of times it got worse, sometimes it got better, but they always bought really, really ugly art?

Like the one thing that you can always count on is that they commissioned a $20,000 portrait of themselves and their dog, um, that hangs above the mantle, and you're like "Man, I could've made you that portrait for 5 bucks." Uh... yeah so um... I don't play the lottery for the record. It's a, uh, it's a tax- OH! Oh, Bald John Green you've gotta get that on frame! 

I feel like Bald John Green is trying to do a little bit too much right now, Meredith, because he knows- it still hasn't been decided which John Green is going to retire to take care of JJ full time at the end of the season. But, like, I just feel like they're both trying to do so, so much to make the, um, to make the Wimbly Wombly fans happy.

And they just- everybody wants to see them kiss the badge one more time. And I feel that way too, but you've gotta, you know, we're playing for a lot right now. This is not a time for ceremony. This is a time for trying to win some soccer games. Umm! Not good.

So, uh, I mean first off I kind of did win the lottery. It's essentially random when a book becomes as successful as The Fault in Our Stars. There are far better books that never become successful and there are bad books that become incredibly successful. It's not completely random obviously- John Green to John Green! Oh! See, not as fast as they used to be, but still all the passion that you could ask for. He went face first into that goalie. 

Um, so they were offside because they were naughty. That's naughty. You know, like I'm very much aware of the fact that like The Fault in Our Stars didn't become so successful because it was better than any book that year. Or because, um, of anything else that was really in my control. There was a confluence of factors and I'd like to think that I had something to do with some of them, but- Oh! OH!

God, John Green wants to score so bad... um, but you know, it is also- it's, it's basically winning the lottery. And, uh, you know I don't know, maybe I should talk frankly about how my life changed and how it didn't. I mean people who win the lottery- when we watch those lottery shows you often see that, like, people who win the lottery, their lives become way worse because like, people start asking them for money and they start feeling like they've gotta give money to their friends, and yadda yadda yadda. 

I never really had any of that 'cause my friends are cool and, I don't know, they never really understood what I did and most of them were more successful than me anyway and they thought I was, like uh, you know, they were supportive of me but in the way you're supportive and also a little bit bemused. So it was none of that stuff.

Um, I mean certainly like I felt a set of responsibilities that I didn't feel before, you know? Like way more people asked me for signed books and many of those people were people who I really wanted to sign books for because they were living with cancer or because, uh, it was part of their Make-a-Wish or whatever. So I guess, like, that's wonderful stuff and, like, work that I feel so lucky to be able to do. And honestly, like, the thing that I probably enjoy most about my job other than playing FIFA. 

But like, that kind of thing definitely increased, but again I feel lucky that I like that stuff and sort of, you know, enjoy it and really feel like my- in a selfish way, like my life is enriched by it. Um... and then, you know, the other thing that changed was that there was a lot of scrutiny. And I guess that's probably the same if you win the real lottery. Maybe it's more local scrutiny than like national scrutiny. 

But you know, like, if I suddenly said something on my Tumblr like Entertainment Weekly might report it. And I wasn't used to that idea that my Tumblr could be like a news outlet. I always thought of my Tumblr, you know, as a Tumblr. It's a place where you say things that maybe you later regret and then apologize for instead of a place where you make, like, capital O official statements about your feeling about capital I important things. 

Um, not playing great against West Ham here. A little bit of a concern. Uh, we don't want to break up our annus mirabilis, um... due to West Ham United. Great punch from Seb Brown. He came way out and just said "I am the strongest man in this town" and I always appreciate that about Seb. Something I've always liked about him. 

Um, yeah. And then, you know, obviously, like, our lives changed a lot financially and that allowed- Bald John Green he's just a big person! That wasn't a foul, that's just something that happens when you're a big guy. Uh, um... you know, and for- I mean, Sarah, Sarah- you know, I'm lucky to be married to Sarah and she, you know, I think has kept the values of our family in the same place that they always were.

And that's to be, you know, focused on the stuff that, uh, that we've decided to focus our lives on. You know, stuff like the, uh, empowerment of women, especially in less developed nations where they may have less access to things like bank accounts and, uh, and education. And that's, that's a big focus of our family and then global health and poverty particularly among, uh, children and families so that we can, you know, lessen the... massive gulf between wealthy countries and poor ones. And also between wealth and poverty within countries.

So, you know, it has allowed us to do a lot more of that stuff to support, um, organizations that we really care about to, um... and because I have a bigger platform now to, to be able to talk about that stuff to more people. So that's, that's a way that my life has definitely changed. Like, that's... but again, that's a great way. The only way that it's been worse is, like, people coming by the house and stuff or visiting us against- uninvited. Which I guess isn't a visit. 

Oh no! Disaster! Diamé! Our annus mirabilis is suddenly an annus suck-a-bulis! Oh no! Meredith we've gotta focus. Do you feel like we haven't been focused? 'Cause I've been talking about myself, the most interesting person in the world to me. That's the problem. I've been a narcissist. God that sucked. Alright, let's do better. Let's do better! Um... oh bad pass... bad, bad, BAD. Uh this is not the kind of game you have if you want to finish in the top 4! 

So, um, yeah I guess like people coming by the house, the sort of like, overall feeling of intense scrutiny, I don't really, as I've said before, I don't want to sound ungrateful but I am extremely uncomfortable with a lot of the things that accompany... celebrity, or like celebritiness. But I also feel like I can't really say no to a lot of those things.

Like, I feel like I can't say no to, like, being on television and stuff, especially when the movies are about to come out. Because I'm proud of the movies, I'm really proud of Paper Towns, I'm really proud of the people who made it. Uh... and I don't want to disappoint them and I want, I want to give this awesome thing that they made every opportunity to succeed and part of that is me having to sort of, you know, do this stuff. 

And sometimes it can be fun! Like definitely there's some stuff that's just amazingly fun and I'm like "This is ridiculous! How did I ever get to do this?" but some stuff it's just not me. Like, you know, you know- yeah it's just not something that I feel like I'm good at or comfortable with or anything like that. So, um... yeah! That's the, that's the only way that, that life has been worse. 

Um... as far as- like the other thing that I always thought I would do when I won the lottery is I always thought I would retire? Like I've always talked about retiring and dreamed of retiring. I have a lot of, uh, I've got, like, a retirement clock on my computer and everything and I've always been, you know, I've always been pretty like, focused on retirement saving and stuff, even when I was in my 20's. 

That is a great ball! That's a great ball and it's Bald John Green and he can't get there! OH! It's so disappointing! We've gotta make substitutions, don't you think Meredith? Who are we bringing out and who are we bringing in? Yeah. You're the assistant coach, this is what you do. What do you think?

Alright, the Gaulden Child, he's coming out, I totally agree with you by the way. It's time. Hells Pells? Or, uh... sss- yeah probably, or Correa? Correa, okay. And then anything else? You think we shou- it's time for the Green's to go. You know, they do tire more quickly than they used to. There's no doubt about it. So, bring on Dicko and Deeney? Alright, those are our 3 substitutions! Dicko, Deeney and Correa!

We've got 20 minutes to try to bring a turn around to this game. It's been a brutal first 70 minutes. I would take a draw at this point because the main thing about the annus mirabilis is that we've only lost one game. And it was a game that was part of a home and away, uh, and we ended up winning it.

So... oh, Oh! Ahhh! The Gaulden Child, you're right Meredith he's having a bad game! There's no two ways about it. He's struggled in general lately. I think he's going through an awkward phase. You know, for me it was in middle school. For him it's when he's 13, um... but yeah, it's always different.

Did you have an awkward phase, Meredith? She says her whole life was an awkward phase. You don't seem awkward at all now. You're put together, you're professional, you're a grown up... you don't have like- The main thing about the awkward phase for me it's when your ears are way out of whack with the rest of your head.  And your ears are completely proportional, I would never say any... Oh yeah that's true. They're covered, I don't even know what's going on back there. It could be weird, you might be right.

Alright, pass the ball... yeah and turn! You gotta be stronger than that buddy! Ahhh! Alright let's make our 3 substitutions and hope for the best from this corner kick. But yeah I always thought that I would quit working and it turns out that I love- I'm in an incredibly fortunate position to love what I do. And to love the people I work with and to want to keep working with them.

And, um, I have not desire- Oh! He's a little bit hurt. I have no desire really ever to stop. Um, I love collaborating with my brother, I love making stuff with the people who work here- Ooooozéia! Ozéia! Oh, oh, Ozéia! 85th minute, a crucial moment- Meredith watch this shot!

How did that even go in? It went through 74 people! Oh! It's one of the greatest goals in the history of the Wimbly Womblys and it's scored by a defender! What the frick just happened? Ozéia! Ozéia! "Ozéia, Ozéia"- oh that's the same as Shakira. "Hips don't lie. Ozéia, Ozéia." Alright let's go for the win. Let's go for the win! Let's go for the win!

That's what stands- what's- a draw is, a draw continues, allows our annus mirabilis to continue. A win puts us in the driver's seat for the top 4. And, uh, with just 7 games remaining that's huge. Come on... that's not a bad ball! That's not bad! It's not bad! Uh, can we pull that back for a foul? No? Okay, that's not bad though. I don't dislike that- cut back, pass, nope. Better passing buddy!

They're clogging up the passing lanes, they're desperate! They want that draw! They need that draw. Ohh! Yes, no. Ahhhhh! I mean how could I ever quit being a Wimbly Wombly, no matter how many lotteries I won. This is just in my blood, it's who I am. I love this club! Owned by it's fans.

Coming back from one - nil down to preserve the 2017 annus mirabilis. Still haven't lost a game that we didn't immediately revenge. Okay, it's not the 3 points that we needed, but it's 1 point, that's better than none. So congratulations to the Wimbly Womblys, hopefully that put us a little closer to the top 4. I'll let you know next game. Thanks for watching, you guys are the best. Best wishes.