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In which John fulfills his punishment by looking deep into the dark heart of fitness.


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A Bunny
( - -)
((') (')
Good Morning, Hank, and welcome to Fitness for Nerds!

I am your host and nerd, John Green. By the way, you should be doing this. This is your first stretch.

This is not a game of Simon Says - you just do it. You don't have to wait for me to give you some secret code. Feel the burn right there.

Hold it! Alright! Our second the "Teacher!

Please call on me! It's me! I know the answer!

I do! Ah! Call on me, teacher!" You feel it right in there.

You feel that? I know I look good. I know.

So do you. And the other side! "Why don't you call on me? It goes so much faster if you just call on the smart kids!

You only call on the dumb kids! It takes forever to learn anything! Please call on me!" Alright!

Good stretch! Alright, Hank, our final stretch is my middle school move. When I was in middle school, I wasn't content just to say "hello!" - I had to have a move that involved saying hello, and the move was this. *slaps leg and points* "Hello!" It did not turn out to be a great social strategy, but it is an excellent stretch!

So, let's pull it up right there, and over, *points* Hello! Again! Over, *points* Hello!

I'm gonna fall. Okay! That's part of Fitness for Nerds.

Other side! Pull it up, feel that stretch. Feel that stretch.

And over, *points" Hello! Over, strong point! Hello!

Over, hold it this time...till you fall...and, we're done with our stretching. Okay, now we're ready for some real fitness! We're gonna start with English class!

I need you to get big books! I have, from one hand, "Infinite Jest" and a biography of Mark Twain, and for my other hand, the Norton Shakespeare. You get the books down at the sides, and up, yes!

You are Bruce Wayne, except you are Batman because your cape is out! This is the posture for the cape. And you hold it, and you hold you feel your strength?

Do you feel your strength, nerds? I know I feel it! Hold it!

Books are beautiful for reading, and their also beautiful for holding! Hold it! And down.

Okay. Alright, and up again! You are Bruce Wayne!

Yes. You are a billionaire, you are super-strong, and you are going to bring vigilante justice to your entire city. Hold it!

Hold it! I know it hurts a little bit. Hold it!

If it doesn't hurt, your books aren't big enough. Hold it! And down.

Alright! Make sure the books, you got a nice, tight grip on the books. And up!

You're a pillar of strength. Hold it! Hold it!

Keep dancing, friends. Keep dancing. I'm gonna want you to do a lunge.

And down! Ahhhh. And up! I know it hurts. And down.

One more! Up! Other leg.

And down. And up! And back.

And down. Alright. Now we're gonna go to math class.

I'll meet you on the floor. Hands crossed, above your head, and 3. Point 1. 4. 1. 5. 9.

Keep it going! 2. 6. 5. 3. I know, Willy, I'm exercising. 5. 8. Stay with me! 9. 7.

Now we're gonna switch! We're gonna cross right here. It's gonna be a little bit - awww!

Thank you for the licks! Excuse me, I'm trying to get fit! - and 9. 3. 2. 3. 8. 4. 6. 2. 6. Stay strong! 4.

And back! 3. 3. 8. 3. You can do it! 2. 7. 9. 5. And 0!

Ah! You know you have had a lot of sit-ups when you get to the zero, the first zero, in the calculation of pi. Now, if you want a great workout, go to the second zero.

Now, let's move on. Now, you're through school, you're on your way's time to run from the bully! For this portion of the exercise program, I'll need you to have a hardcover book in your pants.

Trust me! It will come in handy later. There you go.

Alright, and run from the bully! Run from the bully! Run from the bully!

Run from the bully! Keep those knees up. Keep those knees up!

Run! He wants your lunch money. You don't wanna give it to him.

That's your lunch money! Your mom gave it to you- ow! You gotta get the book way down in there.

That's an important part of the program. Keep going! Run home to your mommy!

Your mommy is on the other end, and she will protect you! You can do it, my fellow nerds! You can do it!

Keep those legs up. Keep those knees up. Feel the burn!

Oh no, you're slowing down. You're slowing down. You're not as fit as you like.

Oh, he's catching up! He's ca- oh no. Oh no.

Oh no. You're gonna have to fight the bully. Now, when it comes time to confront your bully, I'm not gonna tell you to throw a punch - that wouldn't be very nerdy of you.

Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna dodge! We're gonna dodge!

And dodge! And dodge! You're gonna need to deflect punches.

Dodge, and deflect! Dodge, and deflect! Why is that funny? *laughter* (Ahhh, it's just funny.)Dodge, and deflect!

And dodge, deflect! Dodge, deflect! Nerdfighters don't throw punches!

But we do deflect them! Dodge, deflect! Dodge, deflect!

Dodge, deflect! Dodge, deflect! This isn't just aerobic - it also builds muscle.

And dodge, deflect! And dodge, deflect! Okay!

You've beaten the bully. Congratulations. You have, successfully, dodged and deflected his punches until he got bored and ran away.

He did get in a couple of belly shots - that's why you had the book. It hurt him more than it hurt you. Alright nerds, we're near the end of our day, and therefore, near the end of our fitness workout.

What do we love to do in the evening after our homework is done? A lot of us like to read, but others of us like to play video games. So, this is the video game section.

Let's start with a warm up! The "It's-a me, Mario!" It's-a me, Mario! It's-a me, Mario!

It's-a me, Mario! I'm dizzy. Let's move on.

And up! Up! Down!

Down! And left! And right!

And left! And right! And B!

And A! Start! Up!

Up! Down! Down!

And left! And right! And B!

And A! And Start! Up!

Up! Down! Down!

Left! Right! Left!

Right! B! A!

Start. Up! Up!

Down! Down! Left!

Right! Left! Right!

B! A! Start!

For those of you born after 1985, this is called the Konami Code. And up! Up!

Down! Down! Left!

Right! Left! Right!

B! A! Start!

Willy's my workout partner. You're doing great today, my friend. I love your energy.

You never seem to get tired! Okay, three more Konami Codes! Up!

Up! Down! Down!

Left! Right! Left!

Right! B! A!

Start! Up! Up!

Down! Down! Left!

Right! Left! Right!

B! A! Start!

Big one! Up! Up!

Down! Down! Left!

Right! Left! Right!

B! A! Start!

You did it! I'm proud of you! Oh, I'm suffering.

Nerdfighters, you've done a great job today getting fit with your fitness master, John Green. I want you to breathe deeply...and out... Just let all the stress of the day out with your big breaths.

I want you to forget about the fact that you're wearing aqua leggings and argyle socks and purple lady-shorts. I want you to forget about the fact that you're wearing a sweatshirt that was made for a girl, that has cut-off arms, and says "Keep Dancing." I want you to let it all go. And what will come instead is peace and deep, sustaining, nerdiness.

Best wishes, my friends. DFTBA. *Heavy Breathing*