Previous: Hank Raps about w00tstock...for real
Next: My YouTube Story is Short



View count:1,257,563
Last sync:2023-01-27 09:00
David Foster Wallace's speech: Esther's guestbook:

In which John Green dispenses advice on first kisses, stalkers, college majors, pet rats, pronouns, and more.

In re. stalking: Some experts argue that restraining orders are ineffective (they are particularly ineffective when laxly enforced) and in fact can be counterproductive. Regardless, experts agree to tell stalkers unambiguously NO and then cease all communication forever.
John: Good Morning Hank it's Friday and if you're wondering why I just suited up it's because I'm gonna give real advice to real Nerdfighters.

Sock Puppet: I'm already in Middle School...

John: Hey congratulations on graduating from fifth grade!

Sock Puppet: ...and I haven't had...

John: You haven't had what? Your first pimple? Your first night home without a babysitter?

Sock Puppet: first kiss...

John: What?

Sock Puppet: ... is something wrong with me?

John: What?!

Sock Puppet: And how do I get it to happen?

John: What!?!

Hank, there were hundred of Nerdfighters from the age of like twelve to the age of like 23 who said "I haven't had my first kiss is there something wrong with me?". Listen there is nothing wrong with any of you at some point you will meet someone you wanna kiss who wants to kiss you and you'll kiss them and it will disappointing and in all probability too tonguey. What is the problem with us? You don't even get to be twelve anymore until your life is incomplete without romantic love.

Sock Puppet: How do I get my mom's pet rat to like me?

John: I don't agree with the premise of your question.

Sock Puppet: I smell everything I touch. Is that weird?

John: No, that's synesthesia!

Sock Puppet: How can I tell my stalker off without hurting him?

John: So we have this habit of over using the word stalker but let me answer this question about real stalkers. Fixation is not the same thing as love and you owe your stalker nothing except for firm boundaries and if he or she fails to obey them a restraining order.

Sock Puppet: My friend created an online persona and pretended she was a boy and I kind of fell for this fake boy and then when I found out he wasn't real I was crushed and I haven't talked to her since and I don't ever want to. Should I?

John: Wow, I mean obviously I'm of the biased opinion that everyone should read "Will Grayson, Will Grayson", the new book I wrote with David Levithan but you, really should.

Sock Puppet: I'm about to graduate from college and I don't know w...

John: Let me cut you off right there. What you need to do is read David Foster Wallace's brilliant commencement speech "This is water" a link to which I have conveniently posted, in my pants.

Sock Puppet: I wanna meet some nerd girls.

John: Ok, first off you probably should try and say that in a less creepy fashion. But if you wanna meet nerd girls, let me recommend book events. Actually for those of you who live near Indianapolis I'm doing an event with E. Lockhart tomorrow, Saturday, at 2pm link in the doobly doo. And for those of you in Australia, New Zealand David Levithan my co author is on tour right now more info in the doobly doo!

Sock Puppet: I'm a high school freshman and I have no clue what to major in in college. I don't know what to do with my life.

John: That's because you're a high school freshmen you're not supposed to know what you wanna do with your life. Now if you were a college junior or something who didn't know what to major in I'd be concerned.

Sock Puppet: I'm a college junior and I just don't know what to major in.

John: Yes, see you I am concerned about. However you are coming to the worst possible person for advice. When I was a junior in college in Kenyon College in Gambier Ohio someone called me and said "You really need to pick a major" and I was like "Can you pick for me?" and the person on the phone said "Well the departments you've taken the most classes in are English and Religious Studies" and I said "Ok then I will double major in those." Honestly I think majors are overrated. I will remind you that Hank Green majored in Biochemistry and yet Hank here we are. You, judging from your video on Wednesday, a rapper. And me, a person who talks to blind sock puppets... in his basement... while wearing a pizza suit.

Sock Puppet: I'm out to a lot of my friends but my parents are incredibly religious and conservative. How do i tell them their son is gay?

John: Well it's your life and you're gonna have to choose when and how to tell them but ultimately all you can do is be honest. But I will say that as far as i'm concerned your being gay is not political or a religious issue. And even if you don't hear this from your parents I think it's important for you to know that there are many deeply religious Christians who believe that being the person who God made you does not and cannot separate you from God's love.

Sock Puppet: My dog eats all my mom's romance novels. How do I get her to stop?

John: Wait a second. Are we trying to get mom to stop buying romance novels or are we trying to get the dog to stop eating them. I can't tell because of your pronouns ambiguous antecedent.

So Hank that's my advice for the day, pay attention to your pronouns, don't worry so much about kissing and read David Foster Wallace. Hank in other news, as you know, one of our favorite Nerdfighters Esther Earl is sick. Hugggsss Esther. We thought it would be nice if on mass we all kind of signed her guest book to say that we're thinking of her and we think that she's awesome. the link to do that is located in my pants.

Hank, thank you for getting Will Wheaton to say hello to me and thank you for your amazingly good rapping. I'll see you on Monday.