Lindsey: Over the years, I've worked with many people who have desired a different situation with their orgasms than what they've had.  They've wanted to have them sooner or later, more of them or less, lots of people who've wanted to change the reality of their sexualities, and I've helped them. 

(Sexplanations Intro)

Now when I say helped them, it's to relate to their sexualities.  Changing their sexualities is secondary work that is usually unnecessary.  Take, for example, rapid ejaculation.  Coming within 30 seconds to a minute of contact.  The clients I work with really struggle with this, they feel inadequate, they can't get their penis inside a person before it erupts.  Sometimes maybe if you thrust, but not always enough to please a partner.  They're brave talking with me about how quickly it happens, but embarrassed talking with parents, even shy to meet new people fearing that it's going to be humiliating the next time. 

There are techniques which can slow these people down, but before I get there, I'm determined to ask 'why'.  Why do they need to slow down?  Why should they feel humiliated, inadequate, ashamed of their unique sexual expression, really, why?  As I've said in this episode, ejaculation is a method used by many species to share male gametes with female gametes.  Ejaculating rapidly or otherwise does this, it moves male gametes to female gametes.  In fact, close to 1/3 of all males experience this so-called premature, early, rapid ejaculation.  It seems to me like a strategy to come quick rather than failure to last long.  So, high five?

In her article, "No, honey, it really is okay," Dr. Debby Herbenick brings it back to sex education.  "Young men and women who fail to learn about human sexuality (whether from parents or teachers) grow into adults who still don't know anything about human sexuality...they likely won't know how to make sense of their own or their partner's sexual pleasure or whether they are sexually "normal"."  If 1/3 of the population is experiencing ejaculation like this, it IS normal. 

Okay, so if that's the case, maybe it's the sexual satisfaction we're hung up on?  Well, if their partners are being fed the same messages about inadequacy, then, yes.  If society says "he comes, then it's done", yeah, there will probably be disappointment, but let me be your sexologist.  When he comes, all sorts of things can happen.  Hands, mouth, toys, cuddling, a nap and another round, the limitation is not in the time of anyone's orgasm, it's in the use of your imagination.  I mean, this person who experiences rapid ejaculation can hold off on arousal, give pleasure to this person, make sure that they're satisfied, and then have their rapid ejaculation. 

The reality of sexuality is that when surveyed, the partners of people who experience rapid ejaculation were very mildly distressed by it.  Their concern was mostly a result of the concerns their partner had.  Timing really mostly didn't matter.  Remember my clients, the people disappointed they couldn't last longer?  I hope you've gathered that the disappointment, not the length of time, is their problem.  Disappointment is a result of having expectations.  For a suggestion, become aware of your expectations.  Are you expecting yourself to have someone else's sexuality?  Are you expecting yourself to go for a certain time or event?  Why?  There's plenty of time to answer these questions, you know, 'cause you already came.  Second suggestion, expect what has happened rather than what you would liked to have happened, here, I'll model it for you.  "Alright, I'm going to come as soon as my penis gets wet, ready, go, mmm."  If you're the partner of someone who comes quickly, maybe it's the realization that you're going to feel annoyed.  Go back to the first suggestion to identify why you have these feelings you do, then accept them.  Third suggestion, if you still want to alter your body's sexual experience in a specific way, you can play around with these tricks.

Race yourself.  To get control of your ejaculation in the other direction instead of trying to slow down, try to control your ejaculation by speeding it up.  Act more dominant in your relationship.  Oddly enough, many sexologists have noticed rapid ejaculation is present in men with domineering mothers.  Balance your power dynamics.  Practice the stop-start technique.  Start arousal, stop mid-level excitement, let the excitement diminish, then start again.  Pay attention to your sexual response cycle.  This video describes the cues to watch for.  You could also do the squeeze technique.  Squeezing the penis just below the head, just before ejaculation.  Hopefully by knowing your sexual response cycle, you'll know when this is.  Many people have found the most success with coming prior to partner sex, be it minutes, hours, or days depending on your body's turnaround time.  Desensitizers.  Specially made creams wrapped in condoms can slow excitement, too.  Just, yes, wear a condom, not only because it can aid in desensitizing, but also because you probably don't want to get the cream in or on your partner's body.  And also, condoms for many other reasons.  Lastly, and maybe all along, work with a sexologist.  Having space without judgment, some of my clients have made their own realizations like how, as children, their rushed, shameful efforts to masturbate before being caught may have contributed to their fast acting fun as adults. 

Whether it's pressure to come when you want to, ejaculate like someone else, or know how to fix it, relieve the pressure.  Celebrate your quick draw.  And stay curious!  If you have some monies, please go to this site and support us.  If you want to chat about sexy things, FaceTumWitter is where we're at, and if you want Sexplanations schwag, bing!  Suddenly, I have a penis!