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| View count: | 5,436 |
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| Comments: | 2 |
| Duration: | 37:03 |
| Uploaded: | 2019-08-30 |
| Last sync: | 2020-08-22 10:00 |
Should I call this strange number back? What have I missed on the pod? Why are your faves your faves? Don't you need more than lemons for lemonade? How do I get the money out of this coin bank? Should I get bangs? Should I change my email address? Why do I get the urge to get my life together in the middle of the night? How do I make time pass in my stories? What is with that baseball song? John Green and Hank Green yell at clouds and give advice!
If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at hankandjohn@gmail.com.
Join us for monthly livestreams and an exclusive weekly podcast at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn.
Follow us on Twitter! twitter.com/dearhankandjohn
If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at hankandjohn@gmail.com.
Join us for monthly livestreams and an exclusive weekly podcast at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn.
Follow us on Twitter! twitter.com/dearhankandjohn
Introduction
[Intro Music]
Hank: Hello, and welcome to Dear Hank and John!
John: Or, as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank.
H: It's a podcast where two brothers enthusiastically answer your questions and give you dubious advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John—
J: Yeah?
H: We talked a little bit about ghost roommates on the pod in the past
J: Sure
H: And, we actually got an email from somebody who had a ghost roommate.
J: I recall
H: Hundred percent had a ghost roommate. She said it took her a while to figure it out for sure, but she was suspicious from the moment her roommate walked through the door.
[John laughing]
J: You're on fire! That's your second consecutive laugh out loud dad joke.
H: Alright, I'm working harder now.
J: Oh, Hank, I'm so sick.
H: I know you're very sick. I'm sorry.
J: Uh, I've been very unwell, but I'm here making the podcast because it's usually my only chance to spend an hour with you. And, I do really, really like you.
H: Thanks.
J: And so, here I am. I would've tweeted this week. I would've tweeted "I am very grateful to Andrew Luck for all he's done for our community, and I can't wait to see what he does next."
H: Yeah.
J: Andrew Luck, the quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts, retired a couple of days ago. He's 29, and he's put his body through a lot. And, he felt like it was the right time to retire. And, I got to say, I have so much adoration for that decision, and I'm, I'm just really grateful for everything that he's done for Indianapolis in the many years that he's been here.
H: I am sorry that I cannot participate so much in the, in the feelings around this thing, but what I will say is that you can't actually retire when you're 29. I imagine he will do some other things.
J: Oh, he's going to do lots of other things, because he's such a fascinating, intellectually curious person. They shouldn't call it retirement. They should call it, like, I'm transitioning to another career.
H: Yeah. Yeah, also they should also be like, I'm going to stop doing the most physically punishing job anyone could possibly imagine. I saw people celebrating Andrew Luck on Twitter this week. One of the tweets I saw was a compilation of him getting sacked, and then congratulating the people who sacked him.
(02:00) to (04:00)
J: Yeah, where he would always be like, "good hit, bud."
H: It was really great. He was like, "that was a good hit, big boy!"
[Laughing]
J: Yeah.
H: Well, hopefully, this episode will be coming out in linear order, because we've had to do a little bit of podcast pre-recording, because you're going on to sabbatical, which sounds amazing.
J: Yes, I'm taking six weeks away from most work, so that during those six weeks, I can focus on writing. Hopefully, writing some fiction, but definitely writing some Anthropecene Reviewed. And, that means that we've had to pre-record a little bit of Dear Hank and John. We've also got some live shows coming out. Hank's going to have a guest host or two. Sarah made the point to me last night that basically I just did six weeks of work in the last six weeks on top of the regular work.
H: Yeah.
J: Uh, because, yeah, I've pre-recorded most everything. So, you won't really miss me or notice that I'm gone, hopefully. But, I will be gone.
H: Ok.
Question 1
J: Hank, let's answer some questions from our listeners, beginning with this one from Erin, who writes, "Yesterday, while driving, I received a call from an 800 number. I decided to answer—" What?
H: That's wild!
J: That's like the—
H: Living on the edge.
J: —boldest power move of 2019.
H: Yeah.
J: "I was a little curious, because I thought it was a law that spam had to come from a number that looked suspiciously like mine."
[Laughing]
H: Yup.
J: It is close to a law.
H: Yeah.
J: "I said hello, and a recorded mail voice greeted me with only one word: why."
H: Why?
J: "The voice seemed to then get cut-off, and then the call terminated."
H: Oh.
J: "I've been thinking about it ever since."
H: I bet!
J: "Should I call this number back? What are the potential risks and rewards here? Erin, the side of caution?"
[Laughing]
Yes, Erin, you should err on the side of caution for sure here.
H: Which you already did not do, simply by answering the phone. I don't know what's going to happen when I answer a telemarketer phone call, but, like, it can't be good. It's like going to a website, right, where you might get a virus. Is that how it works?
(04:00) to (06:00)
J: It's definitely going to be a not a great use of your time or the telemarketer's time.
H: Yeah.
J: And... And so I'm— What I'm trying to do is just maximize efficiency on behalf of everyone. The telemarketer is trying to reach a potential customer, which I am not and so, I'd rather not take the call at all. But, what fascinates me about this is the possibility, which I'll admit is a faint possibility, that someone has created a telemarketing campaign that is not designed to sell things, but is instead designed to ask one simple question: why?
H: Well, I think, maybe it's a public service, because we're all asking ourselves why all the time.
J: Exactly.
H: Maybe some computer, somewhere, can take over that responsibility, and I can stop asking why all the time. And instead, concentrate on watching Charlotte's Web.
J: Yeah, and I was thinking it's probably inexpensive to set up one of these call centers—
H: Apparently, yeah.
J: —that just forces people to listen to your phone calls. Like, it can't be that expensive, because, you know, how much money are they making? And, it gave me an idea, Hank, which is maybe we should set up a call center where, instead of trying to sell people things, it's just a recorded voice that reads you a poem or tells you that you're doing great or offers you an unwanted fortune cookie fortune.
H: I like it. I like it. Or, it could tell them about Journey to the Microcosmos, our new YouTube channel, or Vlogbrothers, or Dear Hank and John, or any of our other for-profit enterprises.
J: No, that's telemarketing.
H: This is telemarketing.
J: What you've invented already exists.
[Hank laughing]
Way to find a way to monetize my great, non-monetary idea.
H: Uh, gosh, got to turn it off sometimes.
J: I know, I was thinking wouldn't it be great, because it is so stressful to get those 1-800 calls or the possible fraud calls. And, wouldn't it be great if just one time, on the other end of the line was a caring person who just wanted to read you a little bit of Dr. Suess.
(06:00) to (08:00)
H: Just wanted to be an advocate for something that doesn't have advocates, and say, like, "hey, you know, tap water's fine." Like—
J: Oh, god. That's a great idea. I love that.
H: John will pay. John will pay for this random thing to exist.
J: Just— Just call random people and say, "You know what's—" Yeah, somebody needs— I desperately need someone to call me and be like "your tap water's great. It's good."
H: It's great. It's delicious. You need to— You really need to stop drinking stuff out of plastic bottles, because that's— somebody's got to make those bottles. They ain't coming for free.
J: I actually, Hank, in the last two weeks, I have done proper exposure-response therapy, which is like this OCD-kind of therapy to get myself to drink tap water, and it has worked and I'm never going back. Because, I'm worried that if I stop drinking tap water again I'm going to get stuck in the cycle again. And, I'll tell you what, the tap water is great!
H: That's great! I'm glad to hear it.
J: It's really good.
H: Yeah. Alright.
J: Yeah, tap water is great. And, I got a soda-making machine so that I can add the bubbles to my own water, and I can finally part ways with my most expensive monthly expense, which is La Croix.
[Hank laughing]
Question 2
H: Well, somebody's got to put another nail in the La Croix coffin.
[John laughing]
This next question comes from Maddie who asks, "Dear Hank and John, I recently got back to listening to the podcast after a very long time away. Can I get a quick update on what I missed? Thanks so much, Maddie"
Well, first, we're doing name-specific sign offs, now.
J: Right. You got to work incredibly hard these days to get a good name-specific sign off. Like, the quality of name-specific sign offs has gone way up, Maddie. Like, for you I would suggest, for instance—
H: My dad likes to golf, so I'm going to caddie with my daddy, Maddie.
J: Yeah, that would put you in the bottom 50% of the name-specific sign offs we get, but it's better than thanks so much, Maddie.
(08:00) to (10:00)
H: Oh, I think I worked really hard on that, and it was great.
J: For 12 seconds... The other thing you've missed, Maddie, is that Hank and I's podcast empire has expanded pretty dramatically.
H: Oh, sure. And then, the rest of what you missed, I'm not going to tell you about because we need you to listen to those episodes. We need you to go ahead and download them and listen to them. I'm not going to tell you about the 17 turkeys that talked to the person at FSU. No, you're going to have to find out about that by yourself.
J: The secret snake, the crow that became someone's friend. All of these are waiting for you in the 160 hours of content you must consume in order to say that you like us.
H: Is that how it works?
Question 3
J: Alright, Hank. We got another question. This one comes from Alisha, who writes, "Dear John and Hank, my three-year-old daughter, Parker, and I listen to the pod while I do housework, and she has a question. Hank, why is Mars your favorite planet? John, what is your favorite planet? Parker's favorite is Saturn, because of its rings. Attached is a video of her saying what her favorite thing about the pod is. Planets and preschoolers, Alisha."
Hank, I don't know if you got to see the attached video—
H: I haven't.
J: —but, it is literally the cutest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. And, I would just like to play a portion of it for you.
H: Ok.
J: This is Parker.
Alisha: Do you like Dear Hank and John?
Parker: Yes!
A: What's your favorite part of Dear Hank and John?
P: [Gibberish]
J: She said, "uh, the Mars, and" ...
P: [Gibberish] potty water
J: And then, "drinking potty water" Well, Parker, have I got good news for you, because this episode is the potty water spectacular!
H: Ok, it's the potty water spectacular. Also, I'm sorry about my joke about monkeys and cherries on the last podcast.
J: Ah...
H: For the kids in the audience.
J: Ancient history.
H: It probably will be ok.
J: So, here's— here's— here's a crazy thing about drinking potty water, Parker: Don't do it.
H: [singing] Don't drink potty water, doot, doot, doot. It's not a million dollar idea.
J: Oh, it's such a good way to get sick, Parker. And then, you get all barf-y. That's not fun.
H: Nope.
J: Potty water is for dogs to drink and for humans to try not to touch, period.
(10:00) to (12:00)
H: Yeah, yeah, it's to put— it's to put potty things into.
J: That's right.
H: Yeah, pee-pee and poop go in there. That's it.
J: Just the pee-pee and poop. Parker, thank you so much. Anyway, this is our new podcast: Dear Hank and John, for three-year-olds only. Hank, why is Mars your favorite planet?
H: It's the easiest one to do a lot of research on. It is the most Earth-like of the planets that isn't Earth. It's got basically the same length of day. It's got not too dramatically similar gravity. It's got water. It's got rocks. You can not— You won't boil alive. It's got a ground. Ground is very important, where you can stand. A lot of the planets don't have that. And, it just feel like— it feel like the sort of door, I mean, you know, in terms of planets, the door to the future of space exploration. You know, it's like our first step. I agree that Saturn is probably the most beautiful of the planets, though.
J: So, I'm going to disagree with Parker and with you.
H: Oh.
J: Saturn is not the most beautiful of the planets, nor is Mars.
H: Ok.
J: The most beautiful planet—
H: Oh.
J: —is Earth.
H: Uh, I mean... I agree that Earth is the most beautiful planet.
J: Earth is the best planet, Parker. Saturn is cool—
H: Yeah.
J: —literally. Very, very cold out there. Earth, uh. Look at the weather, Parker. Look outside at the weather! Look at all the stuff that's happening. You want to— you want to get your mind blown, Parker? You see all those trees out there when you look outside? Those are made out of air!
H: Yeah.
J: Those trees took air and turned them into themselves.
H: It's true.
J: Earth, man. What a planet!
H: Yeah, Earth makes me hungry just thinking about it. It's got all the food.
J: That is the, uh... That is the ultimate problem with humans.
[Laughing]
We look at Earth, and we think [together]: mmm, that tree looks delicious. Think I'll cut it down.
Question 4
H: Speaking of, John, this next question is about tree parts—
J: Great.
H:—and comes from Liz, who asks, "Dear Hank and John, if life doesn't also give you sugar water and ice, won't your lemonade be bad? Just wondering. Lemons and Lions, Liz."
I have a lot of problems with this aphorism, that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
J: Yeah, it may be the worst aphorism.
H: My, like, first problem with it is that, like, lemons are great. When life gives you a saleable product—
J: (laughs)
H: —that like, people want and buy, lemons are good.
J: Right.
H: They're like, people work very hard to create them with the help of trees.
J: I've personally spent the last two years - and this is true - making three lemons.
H: (laughs)
J: It is hard work to make a lemon.
H: Yeah, yeah.
J: If life gave me lemons I would be so grateful because my flipping lemon trees don't give me lemons.
H: And then there's of course the other problem which is that like, when life gives you lemons it didn't also give you a bunch of sugar. And you can't make lemonade without a bunch of sugar.
J: Right. There's the problem with lemons just being a bad example of what you're trying to say, but the bigger problem is with the metaphor itself, which is supposed to be, like, when things are terrible, take the terrible thing that happened to you and turn it into something delicious. But you can't do that if you aren't also given the ingredients to turn it into something delicious.
H: Uh-huh.
J: And like, some suffering, in fact I think a lot of suffering, just sucks.
H: Yeah.
J: And like, maybe there's meaning that you can find in it, maybe there's connection you can find in it, and I, and I hope that there is, but like, it still sucks. And I feel like to minimize it by saying like, "Oh, no, like, every bad thing that happens is just, like, lemonade waiting to happen.
H: Yeah! No.
J: I feel like, I feel like that's just not true and like, it diminishes how difficult it is when things go bad.
(14:00) to (16:00)
H: Yeah. Like, if life gives you a bunch of dog poop. You can't make dog poop-ade.
J: I bet you could.
H: I guess you could make dog poop-ade.
J: Parker, are you listening?
H: But like, now you've got dog poop-ade, which is not better! Like put a bunch of water and sugar in dog poop. It's exactly as bad as it was before, maybe worse.
J: Uh, I mean it's - it's gonna taste better. But I agree with you that all the underlying problems of eating dog poop-ade or drinking it would still be there. And also, my stomach is turning.
H: Yeah, it's like a bunch of kids with dog poop-ade stands on the side of the road. Parker do not - this is not a good idea!
J: (laughs) I mean, you've had a lot of bad business ideas Hank, but that might be the worst.
H: (laughs)
J: "Come to my dog poop-ade stand, it's a metaphor for what suffering is really like! You'll love it - don't drink it - it's a dollar."
H: Wait, which reminds me - (singing) It's time for a million dollar idea! Another million dollar idea. This person put it on the internet so it's probably not a million dollar idea. (stops singing) It's from Brandon, who says, "Million dollar idea: Venmo for tithing." Isn't that just Venmo? Can't you - can you Venmo a church?
J: I'm sure that you can.
H: Yeah!
J: That's not a - first off, that's not a million dollar idea because who's gonna make money from it? Only Venmo, and I feel like they're already making a bunch of that money.
H: Right? Well, I imagine that the church would make money, maybe it would increase the amount of tithing happening. The problem is, do you have to put like, a big, like, QR code on the side of the pulpit? Because that's a little gauche.
J: I mean, I have to say that I've always found the whole process of like, stopping church for 20 minutes to raise money for the church, a little weird.
H: (laughs) I mean, it makes sense to me.
J: But I also understand that you know, like, that's a big part of what churches do.
(16:00) to (18:00)
J: And Hank, as you know, we are very inspired by the idea of tithing -
H: Mhmm.
J: - because it's a percentage. Instead of, like, rich people being able to say, like, "Oh I gave a million dollars to charity this year, I'm so fancy, name a building after me."
H: Mhmm.
J: By making it a percentage, you're saying, like, well it's not really about whether it's it's a million dollars. It's really about whether or not you gave in a way -
H: Right.
J: - that was impactful for you and in a way that reflected, you know, the ways that you've benefited from all of the structures that have built up around you.
H: Yeah.
J: So we believe in tithing, and we call it secular tithing. Anyway, I uh, I think Venmo is great.
H: (laughs) Yeah!
J: But I think somebody already invented that, is the problem.
H: Yeah, I bet there's already a thing that exists. So I'm gonna go ahead and put it out there that this is a zero dollar idea.
J: It's a little bit like if you said, "Well, Uber - but for getting rides home from the airport."
H: Yeah. (laughs)
Question 5
H: This next question comes from Nora, who asks, "Dear Hank and John: I collect coin banks. Usually a souvenir. Recently, I went to Mexico and I acquired a small cat-shaped coin bank."
J: Usually?!
H: I don't know, sometimes I acquire them as weapons.
J: (laughs)
H: "This is a small cat shaped coin bank. But this, and all the other banks I found in Mexico, lacked the hole in the bottom where the cork would go so you could retrieve your money. Instead, the bank just has the slot in the top and no way to get the money out. What am I supposed to do with it? Penny for your thoughts, Nora." Nora, this is how all piggy banks used to be!
J: Yes!
H: This is the idea of the piggy bank! You have to put your money somewhere where you can't get it! And if you need to get it, you have to need it bad enough that you will destroy something beautiful.
J: That is it! You, you build the piggy bank until the piggy bank is full.
H: Yeah!
J: And you decide, "I guess it's worth it to crush my piggy bank forever - "
H: Yeah!
J: " - so that I could have this money."
(18:00) to (20:00)
H: In Mexico, they are still doing it the traditional way.
J: I didn't even know about the piggy bank, with the removable cork in the bottom -
H: Yeah.
J: - until I was at least 25 years old.
H: I got a piggy bank with a removable cork in the bottom and I was like, this is a bunch of BS! Has the world gotten so soft that now, we can no longer destroy a ceramic object because we need money?
J: Wow, we've really got an old-man-yells-at-cloud situation going right now.
H: I really did, yeah, like -
J: Hank Green saying, "Millennials are so soft that they won't break open their own piggy banks."
H: Yeah. "No, you can't break a piggy bank. It's dangerous. There will be shards. Ceramic shards. They'll be sharp!"
J: This is the worst hot take.
H: (laughs)
J: Not since the last time I was on Twitter have I seen a hot take this misguided.
H: Oh, I'm gonna tweet it right now.
J: Oh, God.
H: The sizzling hot take.
J: It's sizzling.
H: You youth!
J: People may not like it, and they may not retweet it, but a lot of them are gonna reply to it, and then people will just be a little more outraged and annoyed and unhappy than they were 45 seconds ago -
H: Right.
J: - and the Amazon will still be burning.
H: This is the hill I will die on, apparently.
J: You have picked both the smallest and the dumbest hill of all.
H: (laughing) This podcast, obviously, is brought to you by really dumb, really small hills.
J: (laughs)
H: They're everywhere and they have so many defenders! Be one!
J: It really is kind of the defining feature of our podcast. Today's podcast is also brought to you by tap water! Tap water. Delicious and in, almost all cases, safe.
H: And also, this podcast is brought to you by dog poop-ade!
J: Ugh.
H: Dog poop-ade! Not good, and in all cases, not safe!
J: And lastly, today's podcast is brought to you by Sarah and John's lemon tree. Sarah and John's lemon tree: Producing two to three lemons -
H: (laughs)
J: - per two to three years, for six years.
H: Oh boy.
(20:00) to (22:00)
J: All right. This next question comes from Emma, who writes, "Dear John and Hank, should I get bangs? I like the idea of bangs, but I'm not sure if I want the commitment of bangs. Thanks, Emma.
H: Hmm. I understand.
J: Y'all gotta work on your name-specific sign-offs.
H: First of all, I just love the word "bang" and I love that it's also a hairstyle. And I've looked it up, John, because of course I did, and it appears to be, uh, because of the abruptness of the bang.
J: Oh!
H: Like, immediately without delay - bang off.
J: Yeah.
H: Um, and so -
J: Right.
H: you just - you bang - they're just like, bang! That's like, the hair is, like, I'm here, and then bang! I'm not here anymore. Boom.
J: (laughs) Yeah!
H: We could have called them "booms," but we didn't. We called them "bangs," which is better!
J: Yeah!
H: I love it.
J: Language does a pretty good job most of the time. So when Sarah and I met, we were in high school. And we did not know each other. But Sarah had bangs in high school, and they were super cute bangs. And then flash forward like, uh, 10 years. We meet in Chicago, we fall in love - she doesn't have bangs. And then at some point she says, I think I maybe want to get bangs again. She got bangs, they were awesome. Did a great job of framing her face.
H: Okay.
J: And then like two years ago she was like, I don't think I want bangs anymore. And so she grew out her bangs, and now she doesn't have bangs, and it still looks great. All of which is to say, it's gonna look great!
H: (laughs) Yeah, I mean, I will say that in the transition periods, between bangs and no bangs, there is that period where Katherine is unhappy because it's, it's hard to control.
J: Right.
H: You need more hairpins, I think. Uh, not that I'm super up - we are probably not the right people to be asking. You should have asked Dear Katherine and Sarah -
J: We are the perfect people to be asking!
H: Uh...
J: I've had bangs my whole life.
H: (laughs) It's true. But the, uh, the easy switch is from no bangs to bangs. That's immediate. It's so immediate that you might even call it bang!
J: (laughs) That's true. The switch from bangs to no bangs, there should be a different word for it.
H: Yeah, it's called "slooomng."
(22:00) to (24:00)
J: Oh, that's good. I like that.
H: It's the slowest possible word you could imagine. Apparently the word "bang" was first used for horses.
J: Oh?
H: When you would cut their tails short, that was called a "bang tail."
J: Bang!
Question 6
J: All right, Hank. This next question comes from Laura, who writes, "Dear John and Hank, I made this email address, iheartbooks536, when I was 12."
H: (laughs)
J: "I loved it, but now it's pretty embarrassing to, you know, tell a bank teller my contact information. I'm an adult woman at this point and changing my email address would be a large undertaking. Do I change it? I heart books, Laura."
H: Look Laura, my guess is that you still like books. And 536, according to the Science magazine was the worst year to be alive.
J: (laughs)
H: So stick with it.
J: (still laughing) No, there's no, no. Something like 44000 BC was the worst year to be alive.
H: (laughs) Apparently medieval historian Michael McCormick believes that the worst year to be alive was 536.
J: Listen, I'm sure it was horrible.
H: (laughs)
J: There's no way it was worse than, like, 45000 BC.
H: Yeah.
J: But that, that's not what we're here to talk about Hank. We're here to talk about iheartbooks536, and whether it's an acceptable email address. The truth is, Laura, it could have been so much worse.
H: Yes.
J: Like, if you think about most 12 year olds.
H: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
J: "iheartbooks536" is probably in the top one percent of email addresses.
H: Yeah, but, like all those people with worse email addresses, changed them because they were like, "This is terrible, I have to change it."
J: It is. You're right.
H: But "iheartbooks536" it was good enough to hold on to--
J: Right.
H: --so now you're in a predicament.
J: Hank, do you remember our email addresses were just like a random string of numbers at compuserve.com?
H: Yeah.
J: But you remember your first, like, username that would have been your email address?
H: Uh...yeah. I also remember my first email address and I'm not telling anyone it.
J: It's that embarrassing.
H: It's that embarrassing, and also if you Google it you find old stuff I've written which I do not--
J: Oh God, that's the nightmare.
H: --want the world to know about. Yeah.
J: No.
(24:00) to (26:00)
J: Alright, I'm not sharing mine either. Now that you've - nope.
H: (laughs)
J: Great. Mine was also embarrassing, and I'm also not sharing it.
H: I've got--
J: Oh, God. Now I'm gonna Google myself. Hold on, I'm so scared. I gotta put it in quotes.
H: I've got great news. One of my first ones does not have anything on the internet. So I can tell you that it was S-R-S-P-A-N-K-Y-G. Sir Spanky G.
J: Oh God. Uh, my, mine is on the internet. And I'm not sharing it. And also, I feel like I might have a panic attack.
H: (laughs)
J: Not totally kidding.
H: Oof! Boy, the internet.
J: All of which is to say, Laura, that it is time to change your email address. I know it's a lot of work but it almost allows you to become like a new person! So you're not going to be iheartbooks536 anymore, you're going to be iheartbooks1991.
H: Which was (laughs) a much better year than 536.
J: That's going to be great.
H: Yeah.
J: That was a way better year than 536.
H: Yeah, no Icelandic volcanos dropping the global temperature.
Question 7
H:This next question comes from Geraldine, who asks, "Dear Hank and John, why do I get the random urge to get my life together in the middle of the night? This always happens."
J: (laughs)
H: "And I wonder, why is it at that time? Pumpkins and penguins, Geraldine." I'm so right with you on this.
J: Me too.
H: Like I wake up at like, two in the morning or right as I'm going to sleep and I'm like, should I do stuff? I can't imagine it's anything but brain chemistry, and I can't do it anymore because now I have to wake up at a specific time because there's a person who depends on me to live.
J: Yeah, that's what stopped me from doing it. It used to be that if that if I got that feeling at like 11:30 at night, I would be like--
H: Mhmm.
J: --all right, well, we'll see how this goes.
H: I guess that's when I'm doing that.
J: It didn't go that well most of the time.
H: Mhmm.
J: A lot of times, especially late at night, I am connecting ideas, that feel deeply connected to me.
H: Yeah.
J: And then when I try to write them in the next, the next day or whatever, I'm like, oh yeah. Well I guess that's not really there.
(26:00) to (28:00)
H: I agree. But a couple times, it has happened for me in like two different ways. One way, is like, my inspiration is like, oh my God, my office is such a mess, and I feel like doing something about it. And that--it's not going to be a bad idea in the morning to clean my office. And then also in the second way where like sometimes it really is a good idea and like it was worth getting out of bed at two in the morning and like writing all that stuff down.
J: Oh yeah, I have one glaring example of that. Which is that after more than a year of not having an ending to The Fault in Our Stars and writing a million different endings, each more ludicrous than the last--
H: Mhmm.
J: --I was falling asleep one night and my eyes shot wide open, and I said, this is not hard. He left her a letter.
H: Right.
J: And Sarah was like, what? And I was like--
H: "Bye!"
J: This is not hard! Why did I make this hard?
H: Yeah.
J: And that was it. I was done!
H: (laughs)
J: Like, I mean, there was the small matter of, you know, writing it.
H: Yup.
J: Yeah. You don't get those moments very often in life and when you do, they are so, like, neurologically addictive that I have been seeking a moment like that--
H: (laughs)
J: --for the last seven years, every day.
H: Yeah.
J: It wasn't even like a clever or difficult thing.
H: (laughing) Yeah!
J: It's just like, it hadn't occurred to me!
Question 8
H: Well, John, here is a question from Maya that is about writing. Maya asks, "Dear Hank and John, I'm writing a book right now and I keep getting stuck on one issue. How do I make time pass in my stories? I don't always just want to be like, 'The next Monday,' or 'Three days later,' but if I don't put in time markers like those, it feels like everything happens in one day or some vague amount of time. How do I create the feeling of time passing? The fabric of space and time is unraveling, Maya."
J: This question reminds me of something my mentor Eileen Cooper told me once, which is that the hardest thing to do in a novel is get a character from one room to another.
(28:00) to (30:00)
H: Yeah.
J: When you start to think about, like, the mechanics of--
H: (laughs)
J: --how do you walk them there? What's the door? You could just, you could get overwhelmed very quickly.
H: Mhmm.
J: I actually think that "Three days later" or "The next Monday" are often really good time markers after a space break or the beginning of a chapter. Just to say like, hey, this is when this is occurring.
H: Right. And it doesn't, like, people aren't going to be reading your book with a calendar in front of them being like, "I gotta make sure everything lines up," but making sure everything lines up does make it feel more logical. And when people read, like, two weeks later, they put themselves in the mind space of two weeks later. And there are really creative and interesting ways that some writers have done this. And like, they have used tremendous craft and like it's worth doing for them. But sometimes it's not worth doing, and sometimes it's just like, "Two weeks later," which is all I do. I'm just like, "For the first three months I did this, and then I did this." It's sort of like, give an idea of what happened in those three months.
J: Yeah, I think that's actually where most of the craft comes in, is that there are certain ways to say, for instance, over the next three months, comma, I did this, and this, and thi,s and to write about it in a way where you can feel the arc of those three months very quickly. And when it's done, well, that's usually how I see it get done.
H: And like, if I know more about what happened during that time that's not necessary to the story. No reason to say it out loud.
J: Yes. And indeed, if you don't say it out loud, you don't know it. Because all that exists is the text.
H: Oh boy.
J: Just wanted to get that in there.
H: (laughs)
Question 9
H: Tyler asks, "Dear Hank and John, I recently had the song, Take Me Out At the Ball Game stuck in my head when the line "I don't care if we ever get back" came up. I began to wonder, what does that even mean? Not a roofer, not a gardener, but a, Tyler."
(30:00) to (32:00)
J: Now, that's a sign off.
H: There it is, there it is!
J: So, here are the lyrics of Take Me Out to the Ball Game, which, for those of you who are not Americans--
H: (laughs)
J: --you've probably never heard before.
H: Yeah.
J: It's played during the 7th inning stretch, because baseball games are so long--
H: (laughs)
J: --that it's necessary to have a mandated stretch period--
H: Where you get up and move around.
J: --so you don't get deep vein thrombosis. And the, the middle chorus of the song is the only one that's ever sung. And it is: "Take me out to the ball game, take me out to the crowd, buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack. I don't care if I never get back."
H: Okay.
J: Or according to some people, "I don't care if I ever get back. Let me root, root, root for the home team. If they don't win, it's a shame. For it's one, two, three strikes you're out, at the old ball game. I think we're referring to, never get back, to the place from which I came. My house or my apartment.
H: Right. Yeah, we're gonna go to the ball game and it's, they're gonna be tied in the ninth inning and in baseball you just keep playing when that happens.
J: Yeah.
H: And so, they're just never going to not be tied at the end of the inning and I will never get back.
J: Right. There was once a baseball game that lasted 17 days. Why not a baseball game that lasted for 500 years?
H: Was there actually a baseball game that lasted 17 days?
J: No, I was just trying to sneak in a fake fact.
(laughter)
H: The longest professional baseball game was 33 innings and it lasted eight hours. But just for clarity, that's not usually how it goes.
J: No. Usually they last nine innings and eight hours.
H: (laughs)
J: But yeah, it's about spending the rest of your life at the ball game and how desirable a thing that would be...for some people.
H: Do you know what the score of that 33-inning baseball game was?
J: Six to four?
H: It was three to two.
(laughter)
H: The only way that could possibly be worse is if it was zero to one.
J: Oh that's just excruciating.
(32:00) to (34:00)
J: The real heroes were the people in the stands.
H: (laughs) I mean, what people?
J: (laughs)
H: It was four o'clock in the morning! Oh God.
J: That does sound horrible.
H: Yeah, I bet the people at that baseball game in 1981 were no longer singing, "I don't care if we never get back," they were like, "It turns out I care!"
J: (laughs)
H: Oh, God.
News From Mars & AFC Wimbledon
J: Well, Hank, speaking of sports, it's time for the all-important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. I would love to deliver some really great AFC Wimbledon news.
H: Gosh, it's stressful.
J: And in a way I have...well, if not good news, at least news. Which is that after losing three of our first four league games 2-to-1, we went to Sunderland and we lost 3-to-1. So, that's...a nice turn of events.
H: (laughs)
J: In almost all of these games we have been winning before we ended up losing.
H: Yeah.
J: Or in the case of a single game, tying.
H: Mhmm.
J: So, now, after four league games, AFC Wimbledon have just the one point.
H: (pity laughs)
J: Which is not great. Despite the fact that we have just the one point, we are somehow still out of the relegation zone.
H: You are scoring goals, which is good!
J: Yes, we have a variety of goal scores. We have not been as dependent on Joe Pigott this year. Kwesi Appiah has scored a few goals and has looked pretty good, actually. It just, you know, the truth is in every game, even the ones where we've been ahead, we've been behind in the sense of having the least possession, the fewest shots, the fewest passes, low pass accuracy. Pretty much by any measure, it's not going great.
H: Mmkay.
(34:00) to (36:00)
J: And that is, I don't know. It's a real concern for me. And I'm, I'm worried. It's the most worried I have been--
H: Since last season.
J: --in August.
(laughter)
J: No!
H: Oh okay.
J: It's the most worried I've been in August in like five years.
H: Okay.
J: Now, I've definitely been this worried in April.
H: (laughs) It's a bad start.
J: I've been this worried every April. But this is the, this is early to be this worried.
H: Yeah.
J: So we'll see. We'll see if we can turn it around.
H: Well, in Mars news, John, a rock rolled across the surface of Mars for about three feet. It's a rock the size of a golf ball, and it rolled across the surface of Mars when the NASA InSight spacecraft landed. And uh, so like the thrusters pushed it a little bit. We've taken a picture of this rock now, and because it is the rock that has rolled the farthest because of a of a spacecraft landing, that we know of anyway, we have named that stone and Robert Downey Jr. went on stage at the Rose Bowl as the opening announcement during a Rolling Stones concert to announce that this rock had been named in honor of The Rolling Stones. It's named "Rolling Stones Rock"--
J: (laughs)
H: --it is a stone that rolled, but they didn't just name it "The Rolling Stone," they named it "Rolling Stones Rock." Because there's a lot of stuff that goes into how we name rocks on other planets.
J: (still laughing)
H: And, that--
J: And they couldn't, they couldn't call it a stone. I can only imagine the like, NASA meeting where somebody was like, "Hey, we should really name it 'the Rolling Stone,' you know, because the Rolling Stones. And I bet they'd like that." And then somebody else was like, "Well, sure, if it were a stone."
H: (laughs)
J: "But it isn't. It's a rock."
H: (still laughing) I think you're not wrong about how that works. I haven't done a lot of research on how rock naming works, but I don't think that we can call them stones. I think that they have to be called rocks.
J: I would love, love, love to hear from someone who was in that room.
(36:00) to (37:03)
J: But I suspect it's a Hamilton-like situation--
H: Sure.
J: --where we're just never gonna be in that room.
H: Yeah, I don't--yeah. But that's the news from Mars, I guess. That's a rock!
J: I mean, I'm, I'm psyched that a rock, you know, moved on Mars. Even if we know why--
H: (laughs)
J: It's still kind of exciting.
H: Yeah!
J: It's almost like life.
H: Well, John, thank you for making a podcast with me.
[Outro music plays]
J: Thank you! And I actually feel less sick than I did when we started. So your voice has curative properties.
H: Oh, I'm sure that's what it is. If you want to send us questions here at Dear Hank and John, you could do that: hankandjohn@gmail.com. Thank you to everyone who sends in questions, because what kind of podcast would it be without those? This podcast is a co-production of WNYC Studios and Complexly. It's edited by Josef "Tuna" Metesh. It's produced by Rosianna Halse Rojas and Sheridan Gibson. Our head of community and communications is Victoria Bongiorno. The music you're hearing now and at the beginning of the podcast is by the great Gunnarolla. And as they say, in our hometown--
J&H: Don't forget to be awesome.
[Outro music ends]