Lizzie: As you may be able to tell, I was at a party last night. Specifically, the party thrown by Bing Lee, who was manipulated into doing so by my deceptively deceptive baby sister, Lydia.

And, well, I have to admit, the party was pretty fun . . . and pretty crazy. It wasn't crazy in the keg stand, "Woo, I've got a beer!" type of way, but more in the private caterers, swan ice sculptures, "And, I'm sorry, what exactly is osso buco?" type of way. It was both awesome and kind of sensory overload. And I think I lost my favorite necklace.

But, through all the craziness, the biggest thing to note is not what was left at Bing Lee's, but whom.

My name is Lizzie Bennet and Jane didn't come home last night.

[intro plays]

Lizzie: I know what you're thinking. "Looks like somebody may have gotten Bing-ed last night." But seriously? No. No, no, no. All of you, get your dirty minds out of the gutter. This is Jane Bennet we're talking about here. If they weren't Bing-ing, what were they doing all night? Well, I'm going to tell you.

Charlotte: Wait, wait. Uhh, how are you doing a reenactment of something that you didn't even witness? 

Lizzie: Are we not lifelong scholars of the many moods of Jane Bennet? Your words.

Charlotte: I, I mean, how do you know that they didn't, uh . . .

Lizzie: Bing?

Charlotte: Okay, really? That needs to stop. Oh . . .

Charlotte as Bing: So, did you enjoy the party tonight?

Lizzie as Jane: Oh yes, especially the ice sculptures. Swans are so beautiful.

Charlotte as Bing: They are the second-most beautiful creatures I have ever laid my eyes upon. 

Lizzie as Jane: [shy laugh]

Charlotte as Bing: But, splendid! I am happy that you're happy. You're happy, right?

Lizzie as Jane: Oh, very much so. Everything is so perfect and wonderful. It's as if the clouds parted for the stars. Don't they seem especially bright? 

Charlotte as Bing: The stars are brighter every night that you stand beneath them. 

Lizzie as Jane: [happy sigh]

Lizzie: Not in the script!

Charlotte: But that's totally what he did, right?

Lizzie: I don't know, I wasn't there!

Yeah, that was probably no more than 80% accurate. Okay, 50. But seriously, I got a text from Jane this morning: "Stayed up all night with Bing. Just talked. It was so perfect. Having breakfast with him. Details later. Smiley-face."

Aren't they so cute? I can't wait to hear all about it later. But you know what this means, right? Staying up all night and just talking, that is literally, in Jane's words [imitating Jane], "Perfect." Only the deepest love should lead to marriage. Seriously, remember that.

Which is probably why Jane will live in a mansion and I will end up a spinster. Oh my god, I'm gonna lose Jane. I mean, I'm not gonna lose her, but she's gonna leave me and go live with Bing. 

And then Caroline will make her eat only organic produce! At least she won't be forcing down green bean gelatin, am I right? Okay, I'm overreacting! The situation could obviously be a lot worse.

[door opens]

Lydia: What up, sis? Hey, are you okay? I heard yelling and general Lizzie's-freaking-out-over-something-ridiculous noises. 

Lizzie: Just contemplating the loss of my beloved sister to her 2.5 adorable babies and macrobiotic sister-in-law.

Lydia: Well you'll always still have me, right?! [laughs]

Lizzie: Oh, lucky me, I get to keep the boy crazy, completely irresponsible substance abuser.

Lydia: Yeah, anyway, just want to see how you're doing after last night. Didn't we have so much fun?

Lizzie: Yes, that was fun.

Lydia: And aren't you glad that I made Mr. Bing Lee throw that totally awesome party?

Lizzie: I'll admit despite your calculated manipulation that it was probably for the best. 

Lydia: And aren't you so happy that Jane got Bing-ed last night?

Lizzie: Okay, yeah, that does need to stop.

Lydia: So no regrets, right?

Lizzie: Actually, I do have one.

Lydia: I bet I know how to make it better.

Lizzie: I am totally going to regret this, huh?

Lydia: Nope, you're gonna love it. Hold out your hand. You left it in Caroline's bathroom.

Lizzie: Thank you.

Lydia: You're very welcome, Lizzie Bennet.

Lizzie: What have you done with my baby sister?

Lydia: I love you, sis . . . What? Don't you want more viewers?